How long do you keep a room for the DSC?

228 replies

peacelemon · 29/05/2023 21:15

How long do you keep a room for the DSC? Do you think it would be ok for us to downsize and get a two bed or a 2 bed and a box? We would be able to live somewhere nicer then. We could get pull out sofas for the two DSC?

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Robinni · 02/06/2023 10:45

candlesflamesandbrooms · 02/06/2023 10:24

@Robinni I agree it's a massive generalisation re who gets the family home and it being mum and sm income. Those comments are mainly based off what I have see on here and RL but I realise that the rule doesnt always apply.

Re resentment about money see I out earn my DH by far, and honestly I don't resent him providing for DSC monetary wise but then we have split finances with a few communal bills( I know MN hate split finances with marriage).

I think the problem becomes if you aren't clear on finances and if sm is not actually in a good place finance wise and has shared finances with her dh. It muddies the waters.

The hardest parts of step families usually (and again massive generalisation) is often the adults in the situation- mum dad wider family. Rarely is it the DSC (although I'm sure there are exceptions to this).
It's incredibly hard though regardless.

I maybe one of the lucky ones though although it's massively hard if you have a unreasonable ex in the mix !

@candlesflamesandbrooms

You are very lucky to be in the position where your DH is able to contribute fully to communal bills - sometimes women are paying the mortgage++ alone because of their DH/DP commitments to their children.

Agree SC are rarely the issue, though they can be used as minions. One of my issues was being called names and disrespecting by the child because the mother was instructing her to do so!!! Some people are awful.

candlesflamesandbrooms · 02/06/2023 10:49

@Robinni I'm very bloody fortunate thank god.

Money has been a hot topic in our household when mum got wind of what I earnt and we had a similar situation to you. Luckily my DSC has asd so can't always been manipulated to what people think which is good but also has challenges.

But I have had to strengthen my boundaries a lot. My one advice to new step families is to not join bloody finances, have a pot for bills etc and the rest is yours. However it won't work for all I do appreciate but it's eased the tension somewhat.

aSofaNearYou · 02/06/2023 11:34

toomuchlaundry · 02/06/2023 10:35

@candlesflamesandbrooms I was also referring to the period when the young people are at university, so who they stay with when home from holidays. The consensus on here appears to be mum (and obviously stepdad if there is one).

Many posters on MN are horrified if parents (if mum and dad still together) move/downsize whilst their student offspring are at university so there is no bedroom/'home' for them to come home to. But it seems that it is fine for a dad to do this, as mum will be expected to accommodate them, if parents are separated.

I think the kind of people who are outraged about that kind of thing are also outraged when it comes to step families. Lots of people wouldn't be outraged either way.

If you're of the school of thought that it is reasonable to start making changes to and limiting what's available to children once they're adults, it only becomes more sensible to be practical to when the child has a bedroom in two houses, rather than just one. That isn't needed. It's not that mum is expected to be the one to keep a room for them, it's just that if that's always been their main residence, chances are that's what they would choose.

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