Page 6 | How long do you keep a room for the DSC?

peacelemon · 2023-05-29T20:15:47+00:00

How long do you keep a room for the DSC? Do you think it would be ok for us to downsize and get a two bed or a 2 bed and a box? We would be able to live somewhere nicer then. We could get pull out sofas for the two DSC?

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Robinni · 30/05/2023 10:32

aSofaNearYou · 30/05/2023 10:20

@Robinni The younger children did not make the decision to move, they may even prefer to stay, the decision is being made by the adults as to what is best. I could understand suggesting OP and her DP should give up their room for the SC, but to suggest the other children should give up their one and only bedroom to prove a point to the SC is really, really weird.

It’s not to make a point.

I just don’t see how, if the move goes ahead it is remotely fair.

Moving to a better area/cheaper house benefits the resident child. And disadvantages the SC whereby they are made to feel a visitor in their fathers home rather than part of the family.

The reason I said - in a two bed house scenario - the DC could either share with one of SC or give up room to facilitate them both being in their is you could have two singles in DC but presumably OP and DH have a double bed… (reasoning down to sex differences, space stipulated by OP, and you couldn’t expect two teens/early twenties to be sharing a double bed be that OP’s or the sofabed if they are home at the same time).

It’s difficult to give advice as ages/sexes of children, time/expected time spent there isn’t stated.

Zwicky · 30/05/2023 10:35

When they are 18/19 they have choices

Work - unlikely to live independently until they have savings - most people in this position would still appreciate a room in a parental home.

Apprenticeship - less money than working - will require parental support.

University - Likely to be away approx 35- 40 weeks a year. Will need space in a parental home to fill gaps in accommodation contracts - plus it normal for students to be at “home” at least at Christmas and a big chunk of the summer.

Military - will come home on leave.

I think 22/23 is a reasonable age to not have a bedroom in a parental home unless doing a long university course, but it’s certainly nicer if you can have that safety net for longer. What they don’t “need” is 2 bedrooms in 2 parental homes so a frank and honest conversation about which parent is providing it needs to happen in the knowledge that if one parent doesn’t provide anything then they will probably see their child much less. If you want to see them then you need to facilitate it but they should be mature enough to understand that a smaller room, or one that is also an office is fine to sleep in when you are an adult who isn’t a full time resident. You can’t assume that the mother is the default. Dds friends mum upped sticks and moved abroad to live with a waiter she met on holiday when the girl was 16. I have no idea if her step mum was intending on downsizing when the kid was 18 but I do know that they didn’t. Absolutely nobody expected the mother to do that - completely out of the blue. The mother could become unwell, move abroad, move a Dp with 6 dcs in, run away and join the circus.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 30/05/2023 10:36

NosyHamster · 30/05/2023 10:28

I think its very sad when you see adults over 18 still sticking to contact schedules. It's failure to thrive and shows a complete lack of independence. Yes, make sure there's a sofa bed for when they come and visit so they can crash but they don't need their own room. They should be seeing mum, you guys, mates etc.

@pillsthrillsandbellyache god yes. Both parents and step children can become totally brainwashed by the schedule, ie the Wednesday night visit HAS to take place, come hell or high water, just because the rota says so, no other reason - and no one seems to know how to make it stop. If DSS hadn't gone to uni, he would still be man-childing with us EOW, I'm sure of it. And he's nearly 30.

Very happy you don't have the contact schedule at the grand age of 30 😁. IMO, it is a massive problem in step families and ive seen with my SIL and her family, the resident children have surpassed the step kids in independence and just general adulting. The step kids mum and dad were frantic in trying to ensure the stepkids didn't feel second best. It's biting them on the arse now. SIL moved out a year ago and her ex STILL rings her to see if she will pick stepkids up from work, friends etc. NOPE.

Robinni · 30/05/2023 10:37

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 30/05/2023 10:24

It IS sad when you see adults over the age of 18 sticking rigidly to the contact schedule. They should at the very least have social lives. That's where the issues with step-families come to the fore. People walking on egg shells, mollycoddling to the point where they are treated like infants in adulthood. Children from a 'regular' family would have weekend jobs, see their mates you know 'normal' things. What would be normal at this age (if they have gone to uni) would be ringing dad saying they are coming home and want to come see him and crashing overnight if need be. Even an adult that hasn't gone to uni and is working full time or whatever should be off on a weekend. Not sticking to the same contact schedule from childhood. It does show a lack of independence, I dont know about you but I want my children to grow, have friends, go out on a weekend, experience life. Not be stuck at 10 years old, going to dad's on a Friday and coming home on Sunday. It's odd.

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@pillsthrillsandbellyache

Tbh I think both parents should be taking responsibility for the children and not have Dad taking the easy way out of parenting, but that’s me.

After 18 fair enough they shouldn’t be on a strict schedule. But this idea that Mum’s is home and Dad’s is a place to crash occasionally… can’t get over it. It should be their home equally until they have their own home - he is the father.

aSofaNearYou · 30/05/2023 10:37

@Robinni but again, the resident children are not choosing to move, their parents are. The ways in which it would benefit them are probably invisible to them. They may even be sad to move. Expecting them to share with SC is fine but expecting them to give up their room for them is weird, excessive, and sends a bizarre message.

Robinni · 30/05/2023 10:45

aSofaNearYou · 30/05/2023 10:37

@Robinni but again, the resident children are not choosing to move, their parents are. The ways in which it would benefit them are probably invisible to them. They may even be sad to move. Expecting them to share with SC is fine but expecting them to give up their room for them is weird, excessive, and sends a bizarre message.

@aSofaNearYou

Well what do you do if you have a male and a female SC in their late teens both want to come home at the same time and all you have to offer is a sofabed?!

As I said the lack of detail given makes it difficult to give decent advice.

Whether the DC can see the benefit or not they will be the only one benefitting (more money, possibly better school and prospects, nicer day to day life and happier parents… although again OP hasn’t gone into detail)

Original poster

peacelemon · 30/05/2023 10:45

Robinni · 30/05/2023 09:56

@aSofaNearYou

It’s not a startling attitude to resident children.

The OP is wanting to move to a smaller property in a better area to benefit herself and her own child.

Which takes away the personal space and bed for both SC entirely.

If she were to go this route, then it would make sense for the resident DC to share space or give up a space - for a night or two (I made clear if more than 1-2 nights
a month a spare room would be needed).

I don’t think it’s a great idea to have SC sleeping on a sofabed regularly like a homeless person on housing register.

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Oh that's wound me right up. They did at one point sleep on a sofa bed. Before he met me. And they were happy. They weren't "homeless" but in place where space costs money it was the most sensible option to get them a comfy sofa bed.

OP posts:

Original poster

peacelemon · 30/05/2023 10:46

Robinni · 30/05/2023 10:45

@aSofaNearYou

Well what do you do if you have a male and a female SC in their late teens both want to come home at the same time and all you have to offer is a sofabed?!

As I said the lack of detail given makes it difficult to give decent advice.

Whether the DC can see the benefit or not they will be the only one benefitting (more money, possibly better school and prospects, nicer day to day life and happier parents… although again OP hasn’t gone into detail)

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What detail do you need?

1 shared DC - toddler
2 same sex DSC - both in secondary school
Mum lives considerable distance away in a lovely home In a really nice part of the world.

OP posts:

toomuchlaundry · 30/05/2023 10:53

Who moved away @peacelemon?

TheSnowyOwl · 30/05/2023 10:53

Are you planning on moving much closer to their mum as otherwise I think you will be ending most of the contact, which might be your intention, by no longer having a room for them.

Given you suggest your DH will continue to support his children through university, he might find that there is still a considering outgoing that is used to fund them. There might also be a short crossover duration post university but before being settled in a job and able to be self sufficient.

Floofydawg · 30/05/2023 10:58

Some of these comments are sheer lunacy. Stepkids maintaining contact well into their 20's otherwise they will have no relationship with their father according to some responses.

For the record, I see my 20yo only about every other month as she now lives in another city. We have a great relationship. There are these things called phones, and Facetime, and Whatsapp. Maintaining strict contact schedules for young adults does not encourage them to grow up and be independent in my opinion.

Robinni · 30/05/2023 11:01

peacelemon · 30/05/2023 10:45

Oh that's wound me right up. They did at one point sleep on a sofa bed. Before he met me. And they were happy. They weren't "homeless" but in place where space costs money it was the most sensible option to get them a comfy sofa bed.

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@peacelemon

Your DH was very lucky to be able to do this.

An ex partner of mine, as a condition of him having DC every other weekend HAD to have a bedroom for them.

Until this was achieved he wasn’t allowed overnights.

It was a girl so perhaps that was the difference. But he had an agonising number of months trying to find suitable accomodation.

Original poster

peacelemon · 30/05/2023 11:11

Robinni · 30/05/2023 11:01

@peacelemon

Your DH was very lucky to be able to do this.

An ex partner of mine, as a condition of him having DC every other weekend HAD to have a bedroom for them.

Until this was achieved he wasn’t allowed overnights.

It was a girl so perhaps that was the difference. But he had an agonising number of months trying to find suitable accomodation.

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Who enforced that condition. They had a door. When they were with him it was their room.

OP posts:

Original poster

peacelemon · 30/05/2023 11:12

toomuchlaundry · 30/05/2023 10:53

Who moved away @peacelemon?

She did. He followed but was unable to afford to live very near so is still about an hour away.

OP posts:

Robinni · 30/05/2023 11:14

peacelemon · 30/05/2023 10:46

What detail do you need?

1 shared DC - toddler
2 same sex DSC - both in secondary school
Mum lives considerable distance away in a lovely home In a really nice part of the world.

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@peacelemon

That’s a bit too much of an age gap for your DC to be sharing when the older ones come home.

Not appropriate for SC to be sharing a sofabed, or any bed, at this age. And they are likely to come to stay at similar times when they go to study too.

You need a 3 bed house. Either have two singles in the third bedroom for them. Or the bedroom and a sofa bed elsewhere.

Doesn’t have to be a dedicated space for them but some wardrobe space and room for some bits so they can feel at home.

Original poster

peacelemon · 30/05/2023 11:16

Are you planning on moving much closer to their mum as otherwise I think you will be ending most of the contact, which might be your intention, by no longer having a room for them. no. My intention is that the family including my step children will have a much better quality of life. The step kids will be able to have a night life with less fear of crime. My DC will have access to a better school. Air pollution will be all round less. My eldest hates where we live. We have limited outdoor space. We can't have a pet. All these things add up.

OP posts:

Robinni · 30/05/2023 11:17

peacelemon · 30/05/2023 11:11

Who enforced that condition. They had a door. When they were with him it was their room.

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@peacelemon

The court.

He had to declare homelessness because he couldn’t afford a private 2bed by himself and then took some time to get a housing association property.

As a bystander to the situation it was horrendous.

Original poster

peacelemon · 30/05/2023 11:21

Robinni · 30/05/2023 11:17

@peacelemon

The court.

He had to declare homelessness because he couldn’t afford a private 2bed by himself and then took some time to get a housing association property.

As a bystander to the situation it was horrendous.

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Jeez that's bad

OP posts:

NosyHamster · 30/05/2023 11:32

I think 22/23 is a reasonable age to not have a bedroom in a parental home unless doing a long university course, but it’s certainly nicer if you can have that safety net for longer. What they don’t “need” is 2 bedrooms in 2 parental homes so a frank and honest conversation about which parent is providing it needs to happen in the knowledge that if one parent doesn’t provide anything then they will probably see their child much less. If you want to see them then you need to facilitate it but they should be mature enough to understand that a smaller room, or one that is also an office is fine to sleep in when you are an adult who isn’t a full time resident.

Very good post @Zwicky

aSofaNearYou · 30/05/2023 11:51

The post doesn't have much detail but one detail it does have is that the SC are the same sex.

Regardless, the SC do not need access to a non sofa bed room more than the resident child does. There is zero reason to have them vacate their room to make way for them.

It's fine to say you just don't think they should give up the SC's bedrooms, but suggesting the other child should just give them their room for them is nonsensical, unfair and dismissive towards them.

aSofaNearYou · 30/05/2023 11:52

aSofaNearYou · 30/05/2023 11:51

The post doesn't have much detail but one detail it does have is that the SC are the same sex.

Regardless, the SC do not need access to a non sofa bed room more than the resident child does. There is zero reason to have them vacate their room to make way for them.

It's fine to say you just don't think they should give up the SC's bedrooms, but suggesting the other child should just give them their room for them is nonsensical, unfair and dismissive towards them.

Sorry, meant to tag @Robinni

milkshakebringsallthebuoystotheyard · 30/05/2023 12:02

All the bitter divorcees still wanting to control the narrative of their exs lives, using their child to do so. Non resident children do not need a shrine for life, being brought up knowing they are loved is what matters, not how many bedrooms each they have.

When my SC's are 18, they will have one room between them to stay in, which will double as a guest room, highly unlikely they'll ever stay together and if they do, I'm sure they can share for a night, I'm not having a three bed house with two rooms unusable while my office is in a small corner of the living room to facilitate a once a month over night visit. I slept in with my baby brother until I was 17/stopped sleeping over because I had my own life, prior to that my dad has a flat that I slept on the couch of. I knew no different and I'm not scarred from it.

Original poster

peacelemon · 30/05/2023 12:14

NosyHamster · 30/05/2023 11:32

I think 22/23 is a reasonable age to not have a bedroom in a parental home unless doing a long university course, but it’s certainly nicer if you can have that safety net for longer. What they don’t “need” is 2 bedrooms in 2 parental homes so a frank and honest conversation about which parent is providing it needs to happen in the knowledge that if one parent doesn’t provide anything then they will probably see their child much less. If you want to see them then you need to facilitate it but they should be mature enough to understand that a smaller room, or one that is also an office is fine to sleep in when you are an adult who isn’t a full time resident.

Very good post @Zwicky

Yes that is the sort of thing I needed really

OP posts:

Original poster

peacelemon · 30/05/2023 12:15

aSofaNearYou · 30/05/2023 11:51

The post doesn't have much detail but one detail it does have is that the SC are the same sex.

Regardless, the SC do not need access to a non sofa bed room more than the resident child does. There is zero reason to have them vacate their room to make way for them.

It's fine to say you just don't think they should give up the SC's bedrooms, but suggesting the other child should just give them their room for them is nonsensical, unfair and dismissive towards them.

I was only thinking DC might have to vacate if they both come at the same time and prefer to share with each other than with DC. Due to space.

OP posts:

Robinni · 30/05/2023 12:24

aSofaNearYou · 30/05/2023 11:51

The post doesn't have much detail but one detail it does have is that the SC are the same sex.

Regardless, the SC do not need access to a non sofa bed room more than the resident child does. There is zero reason to have them vacate their room to make way for them.

It's fine to say you just don't think they should give up the SC's bedrooms, but suggesting the other child should just give them their room for them is nonsensical, unfair and dismissive towards them.

@aSofaNearYou so you expect two mid to late teens to be sharing a sofa bed?! When they are trying to cope with major exams in school/Uni and may have different social/study schedules?!

It’s just not remotely practical or fair.

In any event having revealed the age gap is quite substantial it would probably not work for one of the teens to share with the toddler (disrupt their sleep) or for them to go on sofa bed to allow the two SC a single bed each (not safe)….. This is why details matter.

She needs a 3 bed house for the next 5-10yrs.