How long do you keep a room for the DSC?

[peacelemon]

How long do you keep a room for the DSC? Do you think it would be ok for us to downsize and get a two bed or a 2 bed and a box? We would be able to live somewhere nicer then. We could get pull out sofas for the two DSC?

@Robinni are you the OP's stepkids mum by any chance? You do seem to be trying to call a lot of shots.

Are you for real or you just being goady?

@Robinni I wouldn't see late teens of the same sex sharing a double bed one night a month as a problem, no. And certainly not if they were uni age.

@Robinni
But this idea that Mum’s is home and Dad’s is a place to crash occasionally
It is this way for most kids, they spend the majority of time at mums; where they go to school, where their friends are, they don't have that at their dads.

The OP doesn't need a 3 bed house for the next 5-10 years or need to worry about 'contact' for an 18 year old at uni. If mum wants to keep their bedrooms for them at her house thats up to her. OP and her DH need to figure out what is best for ALL of the children in their family amd if moving to a smaller house in a nicer area to access safe outdoor space and schools for the youngest then that's what needs to be done. Dad can meet up with them in uni town, they can stay over when they are back at home but there doesn't need to be any sort of schedule. They are not small children. Its what happens with adult children who have separate homes and mainly reside with mum. If you have raised secure, healthy kids it will be a seamless transition and no well rounded 18 year old should feel 2nd best 🙄they surely will understand that the smaller child's needs are greater. Unless they have being raised to view it as a competition. Which would be wrong.

@HerMammy

I know it is the way it is stereotypically depicted on the television… But Dads should be stepping up more. I would fight for sole custody if my ex wouldn’t even provide a bed for them to sleep in when there.

I’ll leave it there. OP has enough to think about and I’m sure will make a decision in best interests of all the children taking all into account.

I think at 18 when they leave for uni is far too early.

I'd say you should have a spare room for them until at least 22.

You don't get 'custody' after the age of 18. They're adults.

@Floofydawg

The children in question are mid teens.

The Op has a toddler and wants to move to be in a better area for starting school.

This impacts them when they are still children and at a point where they are coming up towards taking GCSEs and A levels.

It’s interesting looking at this from a different angle- all the mum’s on here (MN more generally I mean- rather than this thread specifically) agonising about shared custody and weekends away from their kids. It feels a lot like in this case that provision ends abruptly at 18 in terms of housing and all along it would have been more honest to accept that mum’s was the ‘real home’, rather than any facade over having two homes. It’s clear that at 18 that’s very much the case, and there’s a freedom there for the dad (presumably, as whilst he’s not the one posting it doesn’t sound like he’ll be disagreeing with the OP) that the mum won’t have- we’d do better to accept that kids need one primary base, and that the other home is for visiting, in whatever form that takes.

I think the reality is that mum's home is "home" and dad's is for visiting for a lot of kids, it's just not fashionable to admit it on here.

Yeah and I don't blame her one bit @Robinni. Why the hell shouldn't she want the best school for her own child? The teens will naturally start coming less as they build their own lives and want to see their friends more. It's what happens in the real world.

Anyway, I thought you were out?

This is absolutely true, however you tend to get slated on MN if you have this opinion. I don't think many kids think of themselves as having two homes, they live with Mum and visit Dad.

At a lot of unis the holidays are almost as long as the termtime , so they won't be 'hardly ever there '

@aSofaNearYou and @NosyHamster agreed and I think it’d be fairer all round to just admit this and plan accordingly. Pretending it’s two ‘homes’ as many ppl do and then pulling this disappearing act as the clock strikes midnight on the 18th birthday just strikes me as disingenuous.

They wouldn't share one sofa bed. But yes this is the sort of info I need. I don't have a teen at uni and it was a long time since I was one.

Thank you. OK so it seems like a wait and see how they get on at uni approach. Thank you all.

But I don't think many people do anything drastic on the 18th birthday? DSS turned 18 before Christmas and didn't start uni til the following September, that's when the gradual change started to happen - as indeed it should.

I certainly find this as my DSC have got older. They refer to "home" as their mum's and dad's is dad's. It's not meant with any negativity and they know this place is their home- they treat it like their home. But their main friends, life etc is at mums. I think this is especially true when distance is involved

OP, I think you have had some very unkind comments on here and some bizarre assumptions. There's nothing wrong with thinking ahead.

I'm a single parent with two teenagers living in a two bed house; I sleep in the sitting room. This is livable but not ideal and I do think forward about when my eldest will be away enough of the time for me to take her room. That doesn't mean I don't love her and want her here.

Incidentally, she also has her own room at her dad's but the reality is that at 17 she rarely stays over there anymore - her mates and social life are here. Their relationship is as strong as ever, but he tends to come and see her here rather than have her stay over. I think this is entirely normal and we should stop expecting otherwise.

@Robinni Why is a spare room required if they stay more than 1-2 nights per month? That is a massive waste of a room. OPs step children will be adults at this point so I'm guessing they would be ok sleeping on a sofa bed in the living room for the odd stay here and there. If they stayed over at a friends house they wouldn't have their own room.

Even my 10 year old step son (who stays here probably 12 nights a month - more during the holidays) doesn't have his own room because he doesn't live here and the people who live here need the rooms full time. He has a room at his mums though which is where he lives. I definitely wouldn't be buying a bigger house in the OPs position, especially with the children being adults and meant to be learning to stand on their own 2 feet.

With my own children, when they permanently moved out is when I would use their room for something else. It wouldn't be kept spare indefinitely for them.

@Bibbetybobbity

I think this is a bit of a cop out.

All the friends I know, where the split has been civil, the parents have continued to co-parent, with both basing themselves near to the DC school/friends. A lot spend 3 days in Mum’s, 4 days in Dad’s, then swap for the following week. Or do one week in Mum’s, one week in Dad’s alternately. Both parents have put in an effort to make both houses “home”.

The only instances I’ve known this not to happen is where the father worked abroad (and came to visit with the children in former home), or where there was a huge fall out in the split with the wife/gf having some grievance or other leading to unequal custody.

@Floofydawg
Sorry I meant I had more to say but was drawing the line.

Don’t blame her at all either. She should want the best for her child.

But also be able to accommodate visits from the other children. (Small guest room that could double as office)

There aren’t that many 2 bed family homes with gardens out there anyway.

@peacelemon Why don’t you talk it through with the kids and find out what their take is on things.

Would they value moving to a smaller property and losing their space if it meant nicer area.

Find out whether they would want to study at Dads and what they would need, how much they want to visit etc and get a clear plan.

You may find them wanting to visit more if they want space from Uni and/or each other. Agree with a pp that Uni is not a straight 35-40 weeks so don’t take it for granted they will disappear into the blue yonder.

Whatever you need to provide depends on current requirements and judgement of how that may change over the next while until they have completed their education.

It might be an idea for you all (bio and step parents) to sit down and work out what the best way is of supporting SC through major school/Uni assessments, while ensuring that the needs of your younger child are also met.

i had friends at uni who had been chucked out of their bedrooms when they left as they had numerous younger siblings who needed their own rooms to study etc.
They had to go home and sleep in siblings bedrooms on blow ups and things. This is in their main home!