Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

How long do you keep a room for the DSC?

228 replies

peacelemon · 29/05/2023 21:15

How long do you keep a room for the DSC? Do you think it would be ok for us to downsize and get a two bed or a 2 bed and a box? We would be able to live somewhere nicer then. We could get pull out sofas for the two DSC?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
Robinni · 30/05/2023 18:09

BSB30 · 30/05/2023 17:36

@Robinni Why is a spare room required if they stay more than 1-2 nights per month? That is a massive waste of a room. OPs step children will be adults at this point so I'm guessing they would be ok sleeping on a sofa bed in the living room for the odd stay here and there. If they stayed over at a friends house they wouldn't have their own room.

Even my 10 year old step son (who stays here probably 12 nights a month - more during the holidays) doesn't have his own room because he doesn't live here and the people who live here need the rooms full time. He has a room at his mums though which is where he lives. I definitely wouldn't be buying a bigger house in the OPs position, especially with the children being adults and meant to be learning to stand on their own 2 feet.

With my own children, when they permanently moved out is when I would use their room for something else. It wouldn't be kept spare indefinitely for them.

@BSB30

They are mid teens, staying once a fortnight and over the holiday periods during the year.

I would think they would need a room for privacy and to be able to study as requirements become more intense.

They won’t be standing on their own two feet until they have finished their education.

Ponderingwindow · 30/05/2023 18:18

Reshuffling rooms as older siblings go to uni is perfectly fine. That doesn’t mean the oldest is without a bed/bedroom, it just means they move to the least desirable room.

all kids, bio and step, need an actual bed until they establish their own household. That doesn’t have to be a private bedroom, but a sofa bed is not comfortable or welcoming.

Original poster
peacelemon · 30/05/2023 18:32

Robinni · 30/05/2023 18:00

@peacelemon Why don’t you talk it through with the kids and find out what their take is on things.

Would they value moving to a smaller property and losing their space if it meant nicer area.

Find out whether they would want to study at Dads and what they would need, how much they want to visit etc and get a clear plan.

You may find them wanting to visit more if they want space from Uni and/or each other. Agree with a pp that Uni is not a straight 35-40 weeks so don’t take it for granted they will disappear into the blue yonder.

Whatever you need to provide depends on current requirements and judgement of how that may change over the next while until they have completed their education.

It might be an idea for you all (bio and step parents) to sit down and work out what the best way is of supporting SC through major school/Uni assessments, while ensuring that the needs of your younger child are also met.

Show quote history

Yes will do. Though there's no way their mum (it's just mum not "bio" mum) will care what happens to our DC

OP posts:
BSB30 · 30/05/2023 18:33

@Robinni I'm sure OP said it wouldn't be something they would do until the children were adults. They would most likely be away at uni and then stay with mum when on holiday and visit dad.

Original poster
peacelemon · 30/05/2023 18:37

There are some real sofa bed snobs around!

OP posts:
BSB30 · 30/05/2023 18:39

peacelemon · 30/05/2023 18:37

There are some real sofa bed snobs around!

I don't get it. Your step children will be adults and they don't even live with you. I don't see anything wrong with a sofa bed.

Original poster
peacelemon · 30/05/2023 18:40

BSB30 · 30/05/2023 18:39

I don't get it. Your step children will be adults and they don't even live with you. I don't see anything wrong with a sofa bed.

Show quote history

Maybe they're remembering uncomfortable sofa beds of yor

OP posts:
Robinni · 30/05/2023 18:54

peacelemon · 30/05/2023 18:32

Yes will do. Though there's no way their mum (it's just mum not "bio" mum) will care what happens to our DC

Show quote history

That’s really unfortunate. I’m sorry she isn’t more supportive considering your child is her children’s sibling.

I hope you’re able to come to some sort of arrangement that’s good for all. An exciting time to be thinking about your little one starting school and the SC big changes too.

Robinni · 30/05/2023 18:59

peacelemon · 30/05/2023 18:40

Maybe they're remembering uncomfortable sofa beds of yor

Show quote history

This is true… my DH had to sleep on the “prison bed” last holiday and had issues on another family trip recently where sofabed was unfit for purpose.

We’re paying for two rooms instead of family rooms in future!!

AxolotlEars · 30/05/2023 19:40

Once they had either left home for uni or after they had finished uni then I would have a room that would be a guest room. I would always try and have a room for guests if possible. It would be my preference not to have a sofa bed and definitely not in the main sitting room. It can be a study too. I am step child but it wasn't until I was an adult. I never had 'my room' after my parents divorced because they moved into new houses. I felt that I always had a place with my mum. I don't think I ever felt that with my dad.

user40643 · 31/05/2023 04:52

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 30/05/2023 09:29

Jesus OP your brave 😀 they are step children so you need to keep a room/shrine available to them FOREVER. In reality, especially if you and DH need to downsize or want to move to a nicer area, then it's when they go to uni.
I think its very sad when you see adults over 18 still sticking to contact schedules. It's failure to thrive and shows a complete lack of independence. Yes, make sure there's a sofa bed for when they come and visit so they can crash but they don't need their own room. They should be seeing mum, you guys, mates etc.

I think its very sad when you see adults over 18 still sticking to contact schedules. It's failure to thrive and shows a complete lack of independence.

Lol what?

Original poster
peacelemon · 31/05/2023 06:31

user40643 · 31/05/2023 04:52

I think its very sad when you see adults over 18 still sticking to contact schedules. It's failure to thrive and shows a complete lack of independence.

Lol what?

Show quote history

you think grown adults should be living with one parent every other weekend because that's what they did as kids?

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 31/05/2023 08:45

@peacelemon maybe they like to split their time with their parents?

If they like spending time with their mum they might like spending time with their dad too. Maybe they want to give the resident parent a break

Original poster
peacelemon · 31/05/2023 09:27

toomuchlaundry · 31/05/2023 08:45

@peacelemon maybe they like to split their time with their parents?

If they like spending time with their mum they might like spending time with their dad too. Maybe they want to give the resident parent a break

Well yes but I don't think at that age it is a "contact schedule" sure pop over and stay for a bit but insisting on sticking to a routine at that age is a bit much.

OP posts:
Floofydawg · 31/05/2023 09:31

toomuchlaundry · 31/05/2023 08:45

@peacelemon maybe they like to split their time with their parents?

If they like spending time with their mum they might like spending time with their dad too. Maybe they want to give the resident parent a break

Maybe they need to grow up and be a bit more independent?

toomuchlaundry · 31/05/2023 09:33

@Floofydawg so are you saying they shouldn’t stay at either parent’s house? What about adult children of non divorced parents are they not independent if they don’t move out at 18?

NosyHamster · 31/05/2023 09:36

toomuchlaundry · 31/05/2023 09:33

@Floofydawg so are you saying they shouldn’t stay at either parent’s house? What about adult children of non divorced parents are they not independent if they don’t move out at 18?

That's not comparable because there aren't two homes to move between

Robinni · 31/05/2023 10:01

I think it depends on what the children/young adults actually do with their lives. Or what the parents are willing to support.

In some families it’s seen that 18 you’re out the door and an adult.

However, it is worth noting that an adult minimum wage is not paid until the age of 23. And that the government will deem parents to be financially responsible for their offspring until the age of 25 when calculating eligibility for student loans.

If they are still in education/training of some description then they are not totally capable of living independently unfunded/supported.

While a strict contact schedule would not be appropriate or enforceable beyond the age of 18.… it would be nice to think that the fathers out there would also be up for financially/emotionally supporting their offspring through a key life stage. And that they would feel they have a place in the home of both parents. Rather than only Mum being responsible.

Dads do need to step up too and not just disappear into the ether at 18.

NosyHamster · 31/05/2023 10:06

@Robinni I agree, but I don't think the OP or their father was planning to turf them out, the point of the thread was asking about offering them alternative space in (for example) a room that's also used as an office, sewing room etc, rather than offering a dedicated, and seldom used, bedroom?

Robinni · 31/05/2023 18:10

NosyHamster · 31/05/2023 10:06

@Robinni I agree, but I don't think the OP or their father was planning to turf them out, the point of the thread was asking about offering them alternative space in (for example) a room that's also used as an office, sewing room etc, rather than offering a dedicated, and seldom used, bedroom?

@NosyHamster

Firstly I did not say OP was going to turf the children out.

My comments were in general about what happens around about this age and it being dictated by what the child/young adult intends to pursue/what the gov dictates in terms of minimum wage/student finance.

I went on further to say about fathers stepping up and not disappearing on their children because a number of people had said that in general kids have “home” at Mums and are mere occasional house guests at Dads - which I think is wrong. I know a lot of respectable fathers who play an equal role in their offspring’s life and it’s unfair to dismiss this and/or to let less involved Dads off the hook.

As for OP, she did not in the initial post “ask about offering them alternative space in (for example) a room that's also used as an office, sewing room”.

She said:

Would be ok for us to downsize and get a two bed or a 2 bed and a box?….We could get pull out sofas for the two DSC?

That isn’t offering them alternative space. That is getting enough space for her family of three and putting 2 sofa beds in the living room or someone else’s bedroom for the SC. Giving them no space whatsoever.

Robinni · 31/05/2023 18:24

By the way I am on OP side here - I think she sounds a SM who is considerate and caring. If she didn’t care she wouldn’t have asked on here as to whether or not the logistics are feasible. She is trying to move to a better area for the benefit of all, and only she and the children/their parents/other SP (if there is one) can work out what the best decision is. As for most people it is hard to get the balance right and compromises need to be made.

user40643 · 01/06/2023 01:24

@peacelemon

you think grown adults should be living with one parent every other weekend because that's what they did as kids?

No. I think grown adults should stay wherever they want and it has no bearing on how independent they are.

What a ridiculous comment

tiredofthisshit21 · 01/06/2023 07:00

user40643 · 01/06/2023 01:24

@peacelemon

you think grown adults should be living with one parent every other weekend because that's what they did as kids?

No. I think grown adults should stay wherever they want and it has no bearing on how independent they are.

What a ridiculous comment

Well to be fair they can't stay wherever they want unless the adult who owns the house is willing and able to accommodate them.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 01/06/2023 07:29

peacelemon · 29/05/2023 22:20

No that's not what I said at all. I was just wondering when it would be ok, so if we moved house and there was like a room that could be an office we could put a pull out bed in there for one of them and a sofa bed in the lounge room for the other. Just otherwise it limits where we can buy for a room that's hardly ever used.

Show quote history

Thank fuck I don't have to worry about step parents with my own child. I'd have something to say if you treated mine like this.

PeterRabbitIsNotHere · 01/06/2023 08:46

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 01/06/2023 07:29

Thank fuck I don't have to worry about step parents with my own child. I'd have something to say if you treated mine like this.

Show quote history

Do you realise what a stupid comment this is? Who actually wants to have step parents in their life? Do you think all women who have children do it with the aim to break up and have someone else marry their husband? I say this as a step parent with the most horrendous experience of dealing with an ex under my belt!

Who do you think you are?