How long do you keep a room for the DSC?

[peacelemon]

How long do you keep a room for the DSC? Do you think it would be ok for us to downsize and get a two bed or a 2 bed and a box? We would be able to live somewhere nicer then. We could get pull out sofas for the two DSC?

If it were me I would maintain the DC bedroom/s until they are 18, with your DC who is resident the whole time in the biggest child’s bedroom. If the DC are the same sex then you only need one room for them, so 3 rather than 4 bed.

Once they have gone to Uni/college. It depends on how often they intend to stay.

If infrequent/rarely at the same time, would go with the arrangement of having a large two bed (two singles in DC room) with a sofa bed downstairs. Your DC can sofabed it out and let them have use of their room (or share room with same sex child). Your child gives up space or shares room for a night or two being a polite host.

If home a few times a month then you need a spare room, if they are different sexes put a sofa bed downstairs and they can take turns to have use of the spare room. Though they might not come together. You’d have to factor in where they’d study too if they intend to come to you when prepping for exams.

I wouldn’t be in favour of shifting them entirely to a sofa bed at any point as it gives the impression “our child is incredibly important and gets a bed to sleep in, you aren’t really wanted so sleep on the sofa”.

I can understand you wanting to move to a better area for the sake of your DC. And the need to accommodate the SC gets in the way of this goal and you prioritising your child. But, with kindness, you knew what you were getting into, and your DH and yourself can’t negate your responsibility to his children, just because you have gone on to have a child together.

With kindness we aren't negating our responsibility that's why I'm asking the question.
Jeez

If infrequent/rarely at the same time, would go with the arrangement of having a large two bed (two singles in DC room) with a sofa bed downstairs. Your DC can sofabed it out and let them have use of their room (or share room with same sex child). Your child gives up space or shares room for a night or two being a polite host.

I think not 😂 why on earth does the resident child have to be a 'polite host' my god.

Why on Earth should the resident children have to move out of their room so the SC can sleep in it? It seems this is purely being done to prove to the SC that OPs children are not "more important" than them, but I would not use my children as pawns like that. They have the bedroom because they live there, it makes no sense for them to move out of it so SC can use it. SC can use the sofa bed just as much as OPs children are.

Honestly comments like this show a startling attitude towards resident children.

What would you be planning to do once your DC go to uni @peacelemon? Would a spare room then be a free for all, to be used by any adult child returning to visit parents?

OP the reason it's so much easier if you share the context is that without it people have to come up with hypothetical answers to every possible scenario, rather than just discussing the fairness in this one. It makes it harder for responders.

But from what you have shared, I'll assume quality of life for the whole family would go up if you moved and money is right. If a SC stayed regularly I would keep the bedroom until they go to uni, if they didn't stay often (like once a month) then I would downsize now. I don't agree that you have to keep their dedicated room after 18 if that is inconvenient. Yes adult offspring often need putting up, but it doesn't have to be in their old bedroom. A camp bed solution is fine.

Is there any wonder the UK has a housing crisis ...... ?????

@aSofaNearYou

It’s not a startling attitude to resident children.

The OP is wanting to move to a smaller property in a better area to benefit herself and her own child.

Which takes away the personal space and bed for both SC entirely.

If she were to go this route, then it would make sense for the resident DC to share space or give up a space - for a night or two (I made clear if more than 1-2 nights
a month a spare room would be needed).

I don’t think it’s a great idea to have SC sleeping on a sofabed regularly like a homeless person on housing register.

I think its very sad when you see adults over 18 still sticking to contact schedules. It's failure to thrive and shows a complete lack of independence. Yes, make sure there's a sofa bed for when they come and visit so they can crash but they don't need their own room. They should be seeing mum, you guys, mates etc.

Agree with this a million percent.

@NosyHamster hadn’t thought about this, but ever rising divorce rates may be contributing to the problem. With divorcee Dads/Mums needing to keep 2-4 bed properties for themselves even if they only have kids every other wkend…

Topic for another thread.

I disagree.

When you see an 18 yr old from a “regular” family staying at home until finished Uni/mid-late twenties it’s not commonly seen as “failure to thrive”.

Attitudes such as the below are common:
“isn’t it wonderful they’re staying at home to get support while studying”
”ahh they’re saving money to get on the housing ladder, that’s sensible”
”oh they just love their family”

We have several nieces and nephews in early-mid 20s still at home whether studying or not. Their minimum wage is lesser than for over 23, it isn’t feasible for them to move out or for their parents to pay accom elsewhere.

You can’t say one thing for over 18s from homes with no separation and another for those who’ve been unfortunate to be caught up in the middle of a split. It isn’t their fault and to place a greater responsibility on them to mature faster and cope with even more in early adulthood is deeply unfair.

aSofaNearYou · Today 09:49

Why on Earth should the resident children have to move out of their room so the SC can sleep in it? It seems this is purely being done to prove to the SC that OPs children are not "more important" than them, but I would not use my children as pawns like that. They have the bedroom because they live there, it makes no sense for them to move out of it so SC can use it. SC can use the sofa bed just as much as OPs children are.

Honestly comments like this show a startling attitude towards resident children.

@aSofaNearYou and this is yet another example of the 'second children' very literally playing second fiddle to the 'first children.'

Nope. The SC will have lost privacy, personal space and a bed all to benefit the second child - so they can have more financial benefit and live in a nicer area.

The move will not benefit the SC at all and they are not being prioritised. It’s the reverse.

The SC have their own rooms at their mother's. The resident child has their own room at the OP's house. You seriously think the resident child should vacate their ONE bedroom?

Some really weird comments on here.

Just as a now a adult step kid I find it even more baffling v. A lot of people project their issues with blended families on to weird things like rooms or Disney. Frankly I didn't care then and I don't know.

Some of my family members tried to make it a thing, and speak for my emotions but really they were just projecting their own shit into me.

Weird.

Isn't it funny how the RP is happy to have the kids and the associated benefits before 18, but as soon as the kids turn 18 it all becomes the NRP problem and the former RP can just downsize and leave it to the dad in this case?

If mum can't afford a house with a bedroom FOR HER OWN CHILD then there's a bigger issue here.

Why should the mother of a 'child' over 18 get maintenance?

Some really skewed arguments as per on this thread as as usual the step mum is expected to step up and foot at least part of the bill for step adult children.

@Robinni The younger children did not make the decision to move, they may even prefer to stay, the decision is being made by the adults as to what is best. I could understand suggesting OP and her DP should give up their room for the SC, but to suggest the other children should give up their one and only bedroom to prove a point to the SC is really, really weird.

@pillsthrillsandbellyache

I said if 1-2 nights a month they should share (in their room with 2 singles) or vacate (to allow the two SC to not have to sleep in the same sofabed… would be very inappropriate for a boy and girl over 12…. don’t know if they are same sex or not, all a bit vague).

If staying more than 1-2 nights in 30 day period then a spare room is required.

You’re saying it isn’t acceptable for OP’s child to have to give up or share their bed at all to sleep on a sofabed.

How is it then appropriate for the two SC to be relegated to a sofabed for a few weekends a month.

It’s really shitty tbh.

Not having at least one spare room isn’t fair on any of the children.

It IS sad when you see adults over the age of 18 sticking rigidly to the contact schedule. They should at the very least have social lives. That's where the issues with step-families come to the fore. People walking on egg shells, mollycoddling to the point where they are treated like infants in adulthood. Children from a 'regular' family would have weekend jobs, see their mates you know 'normal' things. What would be normal at this age (if they have gone to uni) would be ringing dad saying they are coming home and want to come see him and crashing overnight if need be. Even an adult that hasn't gone to uni and is working full time or whatever should be off on a weekend. Not sticking to the same contact schedule from childhood. It does show a lack of independence, I dont know about you but I want my children to grow, have friends, go out on a weekend, experience life. Not be stuck at 10 years old, going to dad's on a Friday and coming home on Sunday. It's odd.

You look after DC or dsc until they are over say 23 and/or have a home of their own. Deposits are very hard for kids to save. My youngest is just moving out after saving his deposit and he is 27. If his DSD had complained he would be the one going. Luckily DSD and DS get on great together and DSD has been helping DS get his house ready for moving into like new kitchen and new doors on rooms put on, extra electric sockets etc. Throwing them out before they are ready would cause resentment. When you marry someone with children they come as a package deal. My DH has joked marry mother get 3 DSC free.

I think its very sad when you see adults over 18 still sticking to contact schedules. It's failure to thrive and shows a complete lack of independence. Yes, make sure there's a sofa bed for when they come and visit so they can crash but they don't need their own room. They should be seeing mum, you guys, mates etc.

@pillsthrillsandbellyache god yes. Both parents and step children can become totally brainwashed by the schedule, ie the Wednesday night visit HAS to take place, come hell or high water, just because the rota says so, no other reason - and no one seems to know how to make it stop. If DSS hadn't gone to uni, he would still be man-childing with us EOW, I'm sure of it. And he's nearly 30.

@Robinni the clear distinction is stepchildren being ferried between two houses after the age of 18 like a small child. I would think older teens would prefer to have one base to see their friends etc.

A Dad should pay maintenance payments directly to the child if they are 18 and at uni. Until they have finished at uni. He is still their Dad and should want to care for them. Not stop looking after them the first moment he possibly can. He will damage the relationship he has with his kids if he won't help to pay for them at uni. They will see other Dad's paying and think their Dad just doesn't care.

Even though my exh was a bastard to me he did at least pay for our children through uni.

I agree with your last post @pillsthrillsandbellyache - my husband's children were infantilised purely to suit their mother's selfishness. It suited her to palm them off on their father much beyond their 18th birthday both for financial and social reasons.
Unfortunately the children were both lazy and anti-social themselves at that age and therefore went along with it.
Gone are the days when it was normal to be out working at 18 and supporting yourself, at least partly. Where a mother is intent of bashing the father of her children she will use her children at any given opportunity.