How long do you keep a room for the DSC?

[peacelemon]

How long do you keep a room for the DSC? Do you think it would be ok for us to downsize and get a two bed or a 2 bed and a box? We would be able to live somewhere nicer then. We could get pull out sofas for the two DSC?

Isn’t your place supposed to be their home and not just somewhere to visit? They aren’t guests, they are your partner’s children, so they should always have somewhere dedicated to stay, a proper spare room that is theirs.

The debate on whether it's "their home" or not is largely dictated by how much they actually come over. If it's 50/50, sure they might view both houses as their home, in which case great.

But if they come EOW or, as in this case, even less, it's unlikely that they or anyone else will view it as their home rather than "dad's house". It's high time we stopped acting like that's wrong or taboo. It's just realistic.

@aSofaNearYou some adults still treat their parents’ house as home even if it was 20 years or more since they moved out or indeed never lived there (if parents have moved house).

Not sure why they can’t see their dad’s house as home. I suppose it can depend how they are treated when they are there, rather than the amount of time they were actually there

They can if they want to. My point is many don't and that's ok, it doesn't need to be forced.

@peacelemon
I'm in the middle of doing my 6m old LG bedroom, and guess what it was once the 7 yo dsd bedroom, she will no longer have her own space, why because she has not slept in it in over a year, will only stay if her 16 year old brother stays and stays in the room with him, cause she will never sleep in it again I don't think my daughter should wait any longer to have her own space, they only stay 1 night a fortnight only cause she hates being away from her mum, as soon as she wakes she wants to go home, some people think stepkids should come even before your own kids x

Completely agree.

And @thisisabsolutelyfine – if a ‘proper spare room’ should always be allocated for each child, what age should this reasonably cease? 30, 40, never? Are you never allowed to downsize?

@aSofaNearYou
@NosyHamster

I really disagree, the majority of fathers I know who are doing a decent job of co-parenting move/stay near their children to be involved in their lives and take 50% of the work load.

I know a few exceptions where they have to work away and see the kids seldom but they were a shitty husband and father to begin with.

In actual fact the fathers is their home if the fathers make the effort to see the children, take responsibility and integrate them into their lives.

It can be done, it’s just a lot of men shirk this responsibility - to be fair a lot do this even within marital home deferring responsibility to wives. It is high time they grew a pair.

@NosyHamster

Having a spare room should reasonably cease whenever the child/children in the household are finished with their education and set up in independent life. That can be at 18, or 20s… we all know some older than this at home (but that is not the debate).

I think the issue here is not even providing a proper bed… it’s one thing having a spare room that doubles as an office and another to have SC kip on the sofa.

Then you're not disagreeing, because I specifically said what I was saying didn't generally apply to 50/50 contact. But it is common and likely when they see their dad less.

There are lots of reasons people have the kids less than 50% of the time, and it's not always that they are a shitty parent. Many people are of the opinion that it's better for the kids to have a main base, that viewpoint is not invalid.

@Babyghirl Your DH should be prioritising all of his children equally. If contact is only once a fortnight it is no wonder the little girl wants to go home, she has little opportunity to develop a strong relationship with either of you. Hopefully the situation will improve for you in time.

If she is not staying anymore then it does seem reasonable to make the room available to your little girl.

But would be more appropriate that the 7yo female share with her when she stays (maybe a top bunk that could also be used for your daughters friends sleeping over) than her brother in late teens….

There are lots of reasons people have the kids less than 50% of the time, and it's not always that they are a shitty parent. Many people are of the opinion that it's better for the kids to have a main base, that viewpoint is not invalid.

Yes - and I don't think the quality of parenting is necessarily proportionate to the amount of contact. You can do EOW and still be a very good Dad, just as I'm sure there are some men who do 50/50 very poorly.

I don’t know @NosyHamster having a main base is one thing… but the father doing progressively less, not working on the relationship with his DC and not able to even provide a proper bed… When Mum has to do everything else seems very unbalanced. And unfair on the DC.

As I said…

In actual fact the fathers is their home if the fathers make the effort to see the children, take responsibility and integrate them into their lives.

If I split with my DH, even though I would have the DC more, neither of us would accept a situation where Dads wasn’t home for DC too.

Sorry meant to tag @aSofaNearYou in that last one not @NosyHamster, morphed into same person 😂

If I split with my DH, even though I would have the DC more, neither of us would accept a situation where Dads wasn’t home for DC too.

This is what I am saying - you would not have control over this. If your DC only saw their dad EOW, they might not see dad's as home, even if they enjoy themselves and make themselves as home when they're there, and even if their father makes an effort, and that is fine. I certainly can't imagine viewing somewhere I stayed over once a month as home. This is about how the children view things.

I'm only even saying this in response to all the comments that say that even if they never come over or have reached adulthood, they MUST have a dedicated room as it should be "their home". I just don't find this to be an honest reflection of what relationships are generally like with this level of contact. If they want to stay with dad more or move in and it's an issue, then yes by all means, provide them with a room. But chances are, they will view mum's house at home by default and carry on being there the vast majority if not all of the time, unless they happen to want to go to a uni that is closer to their dad's.

Completely agree @aSofaNearYou, and it's usually people who have no experience of step-parenting who come out with this kind of nonsense.

Yes, definitely!

Do mums and stepdads have a choice over whether their children once they are 18 use their house as the default one to live in and no longer do the contact days at their dads? Many threads on here where stepmums say they would leave if the stepchildren move in permanently, but it doesn't seem stepdads have the same choice, as on this thread most posters are saying over 18s should live with mum as default.

I think this isn't a step thing as a mum I would expect my DC to either be paying money towards their upkeep or making sufficient plans towards independence not living with me until they are middle aged with no job and expecting me to wait on them hand and foot.

Many second marriages mean that mum got the family home as primary care giver in the divorce. This usually means that usually dads end up with women who own their own homes and or out earn their husbands not (just financially but in disposable income.)

So technically mums and step mums have similar amount of power in who can or can't stay in their house. Obviously this is a massive generalisation but a relevant one.

Some step mums would move out if the dsc came to them full time - and by move out ask their dh to move out with DSC, and the same option is for step dads too.

The difference is the bar - for sms is higher aka cleaning, childcare responsibilities than stepdads (same as dads vs mum actually).

It's a joint discussion and one most people discuss before getting married, I did

My dsc have never had own room. We just don't have the funds for a 4 bed house. They share with our dcs. Have done for 9 years so far and never an issue

All step families I know have always shared with their step or half siblings.
My eldest sleeps in their SM office. On a sofa bed has done for as long as i can remember. They've never ever mentioned they dislike dislike it

@candlesflamesandbrooms those are all really good points. I also had that discussion before marriage - we both knew exactly what our conditions were before he moved into my house.

@candlesflamesandbrooms
I think you are right when the DC are involved with education or say saving for a house deposit/wedding/driving lessons/car letting them live home rent free is ok because all of those things lead to independence, otherwise over the age of 18 they should contribute.

I would disagree that Mum always gets the house; anyone I’ve known has sold the family home and had proceeds split equally between them and ex, though the exes do have custody 50:50 and they contributed 50:50 financially towards the houses in first place.

I think it’s a generalisation that the divorced/separated Dad’s always end up with a higher earning woman or one with her own home. Sometimes yes.

Personally, after 6-12 months of a relationship where step parenting was involved I felt completely turned off by the scenario. I didn’t want my future DC to not be prioritised (financially/emotionally) at any point or to have their fathers divided attention. His ex was difficult and she and I would have been diametrically opposed in terms of parenting style, it wouldn’t have worked.
So me, my earning potential and assets went elsewhere. I would imagine a lot of women would do similar.

It can be the case where the woman has to be the primary bread winner thanks to most of partners income going out to children from previous relationship/s. But it’s not normally a happy circumstance and builds resentment.

As before, you tend to find more SMs than SDs as usually the Mum of children is too busy with them post separation particularly if contact is limited to EOW or similar with the Dad.

@Robinni I agree it's a massive generalisation re who gets the family home and it being mum and sm income. Those comments are mainly based off what I have see on here and RL but I realise that the rule doesnt always apply.

Re resentment about money see I out earn my DH by far, and honestly I don't resent him providing for DSC monetary wise but then we have split finances with a few communal bills( I know MN hate split finances with marriage).

I think the problem becomes if you aren't clear on finances and if sm is not actually in a good place finance wise and has shared finances with her dh. It muddies the waters.

The hardest parts of step families usually (and again massive generalisation) is often the adults in the situation- mum dad wider family. Rarely is it the DSC (although I'm sure there are exceptions to this).
It's incredibly hard though regardless.

I maybe one of the lucky ones though although it's massively hard if you have a unreasonable ex in the mix !

@candlesflamesandbrooms I was also referring to the period when the young people are at university, so who they stay with when home from holidays. The consensus on here appears to be mum (and obviously stepdad if there is one).

Many posters on MN are horrified if parents (if mum and dad still together) move/downsize whilst their student offspring are at university so there is no bedroom/'home' for them to come home to. But it seems that it is fine for a dad to do this, as mum will be expected to accommodate them, if parents are separated.

@toomuchlaundry I mean regardless of who downsizes I don't think it matters tbh. I wouldn't judge a mum or a dad for doing it

Mumsnet a weird place and I wouldn't take it as the gospel in terms of what people are allowed to do. I have seen people post on here about being scandised that someone cooked a chicken and didn't make 10 days worth out of one chicken carcass.

That said the I think it matters who owns the house. I have seen a hella of a lot of people saying that step families (with dad and sm) saying they just keep DSC room open to them until they are married in case they feel pushed out.

Personally I think that's ridiculous to do that for dad or mum. But that's obviously only my opinion. I was raised to be fairly independent and moved out fairly young in comparison to my peers so the thought of living with my parents until I'm 30 gives me the suffers tbh.

But different strokes for different folks and in blended families I don't think one rule fits all. And it's better off just doing what works for you and your families.

The same I suppose for nuclear families? Everyone's got their drama, it's just step families tend to have more adults in the mix which ultimately complicates things.

Shivers** ffs