New baby and dsc bedroom situation

[missidontknow]

Hey

long time lurker but first post for me today.

I am married to dh and we have one ds together and dh has a 7yo ds from previous marriage. i got caught pregnant by big surprise and am now 22 weeks with our daughter. Very very big shock as I was on the pill :S
we saved hard and bought our 3 bed house before I went on maternity with ds - we decided on having only one child together. So as it stands everyone has their own room - me & dh in the master bedroom, ds and DSS each have their own room with DSS having the smallest room as he only sleeps over once a week mainly due to dh work commitments. This has always been the arrangement between dh and his ex since they separated.

so here lies the problem - i (it seems wrongly) assumed that when our daughter is ready to move into her own room (around 10 months old if we go by what we did with ds) then she will go in the smaller bedroom and DSS will move into ds bedroom. Dh in full agreement of this as we both think that the resident children of opposite sex should each have their own room. Dss has a single bed in his room so I thought we could move that into ds room. This will take away a lot of space from ds and his toys etc but I thought that was the best solution and DSS will always have a proper bed in our house.

it seems however that I have become a wicked stepmother - dh family are barely speaking to me now. They keep making comments along the lines of ‘poor DSS having his bedroom taken away’. And how this new baby will ‘tip things over the edge’. I have been saying to dh for a while now that’s it’s upsetting me that our unborn daughter is somehow resented by them - that’s the impression I’m getting anyway, I don’t know if I’m being over sensitive.

DSS has agreed he will share ds bedroom under two conditions - they have bunk beds and he gets the top, and his PlayStation goes in the bedroom. I have said no to both. Firstly because I don’t like the idea of a 7yo telling us, the adults how it’s going to be, secondly I don’t think bunk beds are appropriate for my ds as he will be exactly 2 years old when our daughter is born and thirdly I refuse for my toddler to have a PlayStation in his room - I think it is totally inappropriate!!

am I in the wrong here? Honest opinions please? I snapped at the weekend when mother in law said ‘things will only be fair when you buy a 4 bed’ so I said ‘are you going to give us the extra thousands It costs for a 4 bed?’ To which she replied ‘you could sell up and rent a 4 bed’
is this the only solution we have honestly??! What do others think? My parents have told me to let ds and dd share a room until they are older then re-evaluate the situation, they think that the age gap between ds and DSS is too big and that I need to keep the peace.
I can’t help feeling like I will be letting my own ds down by making him share a room with his baby sister when there is an empty bedroom 6 nights a week

I think the issues over the bunk bed and the PlayStation show that the two younger children should be the ones sharing for the foreseeable future. You can't expect an older child to feel comfortable in a toddler room. A bunkbed seemed a sensible suggestion.

@missidontknow I am quite surprised by some of the responses.

Having a bedroom unused for 6 nights out of seven seems a little excessive. Particularly when DD is likely to disturb DS’s sleep if they share.

As pp have posted you are looking at roughly 9 months time, so Feb 2024 before you would want to move DD out of your bedroom. Your DS, and DSS, will have grown and changed in that time.

Personally, I would wait till nearer the time and reassess but two boys sharing one night a week seems the pragmatic option. With or without bunk beds.

I think once your Ds is old enough for bunkbeds, you can put both boys together. Till then, baby in with you for a while then in with brother until she grows out of a toddler bed. How old would Dss be by then?

Bunk beds for boys not an issue...the 2 year old in the bottom no problem.
Play station in room no from me.
Boys sharing not an issue
Family attitude stinks. I'd say if you want to give us the difference to buy a 4 bed fine otherwise keep out of it.

Well your comments about “girl toys” etc are banal.

However, that aside, no, it makes no sense to have the bedroom empty six nights a week. There’s a new baby coming and everyone has to bump up. I do think you should leave DSS bedroom as it is until you need to move DD in. Then he will have to go in with DS. If DSS lived with you FT I would agree that DD and DS should share.

Would DH have a word with MIL about how she appears to be “distancing herself “ from you/DD/DS? About her attitude? She’ll deny it but the message should get through.

Of course you put the boys in together. Why on earth would a child who stays over once a week have their own room? Ignore family, it is non of their business for gods sake and why on earth is a 7 year old dictating anything? Stay firm OP. I just cant understand why this has become a discussion with people outside of your home. Its nobodies business! Remember it's YOUR children's home just as much as your DSS's.

Hmm I agree with you on all counts but wouldn't it be easier to have your two little ones share while they're tiny just to make bedtime easier? That's my plan when baby DD is 9 months and DS turns 3, despite having an additional room.

Don't let a 7 year old who spends 1 day in 7 with you make decisions and 100% a play station is a no full stop in his room.

I think bunk beds are the sensible way forward OP.

Why some believe SS should get his own room when he stays once a week? The bedroom would be sat empty for
most of the week! Some people on here are so quick to overcompensate when it comes to SC and jump down the throats of stepmums.

As for the small bedroom lying empty while DSS isn't staying, personally I'd have it as an office and put a few bits in it for him. No reason why the room can't be used the rest of the time even if the two little ones share.

I'd leave it for a bit. Who knows - once the baby is ready to move out of your room you might find both DS and DSS fight over who DOES share.

Personally I’d put both your children in the one room as they are closer in age, I wouldn’t want a 7 year old to share with a 2 year old, especially as a 7 year old will have toys and items that could be potentially dangerous to younger children and I wouldn’t want them to have access to any of that.

I agree that people are often savage towards step parents on here for no reason, logically though it does make more sense for the 2 younger children to share and then for the boys to share when the 2 year old is a bit older. During the week it could be used as a playroom/office or whatever else as has been suggested.

Of course ultimately its up to OP and her DH to decide what to do and really there are no right or wrong answers, but not sure why someone would ask on here if they don't want to hear other viewpoints.

I'd leave step son where he is atm, then youngest two together for a couple of years or so.

This will probably offend a few people on here but there seems to be quite a lot of comments around it being the DSS' home also. And whilst yes it is, it's his home what, 14% of the time? I.e 1 night in 7. His mother's home is his 'primary' home. Therefore it does seem rather ludicrous to have an empty room in the house for 14% of the time especially when you don't have enough bedrooms for everybody. As long as he has his place where he sleeps in the one of the rooms when he's over, I don't really see the issue...

Sometimes we can't win. My partner & I moved 45 mins away from DSD's mum's to be able to afford a 3 bed as I'm currently pregnant as we made the choice we'd rather buy somewhere cheaper where each child has their own room, but we've also had lots of negative comments from people asking why he'd moved so far away (even though it doesn't affect his contact time with his DSD whatsoever). If we stayed put near DSD's mums we could have barely afforded a 2 bed flat and then we'd have comments saying how unfair that was on DSD too....

I think there is no point in worrying about it just yet. You have 4 months until the baby is born. With your son you kept him in with you until 10 months and my experience is that people keep the younger child in with them for longer. (More tired with a second child so do the thing that involves the least moving around at night.)

Your son will be 3 before this happens. He is 1 and a bit right now. The difference between those ages is enormous. Things will be completely different. Work out what is best for the 1 year old, the 3 year old and the 8 year old when you have actually met them. They will surprise you in so many different ways!

In this situation, your son could share with either his brother or sister. Do whatever you think works for you.

We are not a blended family, and I still got some dick comments from extended family about how a third will “ruin everything.” Some people are just dicks.

Congratulations on your surprise pregnancy!

I'd be inclined to shut down all discussion of it with inlaws and DSS now. Just say 'we'll figure it out next year' if they bring it up.

I agree having the two boys share will probably make the most sense when you get to that point. What about one of those bunk bed arrangements where it effectively splits a larger room in two with private spaces (see photo)? And, if your main bedroom is the largest room, could the two boys split that room and you have the room DSS is currently in?

I have read your replies but not the full thread so sorry if I repeat.

As you are over a year off needing to move anything in bedrooms I'd drop it for now.

I wouldn't put the baby and toddler together. You said DS had a bad time teething. My DS is 10 months and wakes at least twice a night. We only put him in his own room recently. It would be a PITA if he was also waking up a toddler sibling!
Also DSS is there 1 night a week. It makes no sense to leave a room unoccupied for 6 other days!

I would possibly think about the bunk beds though. As it would give DS and DSS a lot more floor space.

For a while I shared with 2 sisters and the older one being 7 years older than me.

Your solution is the best option.
Dss is only there one night a week, why on earth would he get a room that stands empty 6 days a week.
Bollocks to the notion that it's his home too, he has a permanent home with his DM and spends one night a week with you.
The resident DC get the rooms, why should you mix sexes of the DC that actually live there to cater to the outside family scewed ideas of what's fair and a DC that's there one night a week.
As for his conditions, that's a hard nope!.
Stick to your guns

DSS being a step child has no bearing on this IMO.

If you already had two boys of your own and your DD was your third child, would they even be questioning it?! It would just be the way that most people would do it.

I see DSS has his own room at his mothers. As such, both DS and DSS will still continue to have their rooms to themselves for a number of days a week. Again, this is better than if you had 3 children living there permanently where two would have to share all the time.

Some people are just bonkers! I really can't see how this is an issue, other that the fact that DSS is PFB of your DH's family!

I think the comments from family are excessive. However, DSS is just a little boy, trying to navigate 2 new siblings in 2/3 years who get to live with his Dad all the time. Now he's being pushed out of his room. Yes, it makes sense not to have a room empty 6 nights a week but I think for the blended family relationships, just try and put yourself in his shoes and see how he could feel pushed out. It's not about what he gets at his mums ("he has a room 6 nights a week so he's fine to share 1 night a week..."), it's important that he feels a valued part of his Dad's family too.

The bunk beds (good suggestion, DSS imo) and playstation are just him trying to have a bit of control over things that he has had no say in. I'd just wait and see how things pan out tbh, reassure DSS he doesn't need to worry, you'll work something out and make sure he's happy with it. In the meantime, save up a bit for bunkbeds, you can always get a second hand one on FB marketplace.

I'd work on a solution where everyone's needs and wants are considered and everyone gets a little bit of what they want and that includes DSS. There are lots of options and I'd probably make it flexible as the children get older eg DD sleeps in a cot in DSS's room that gets moved out into your room for the night DSS stays. Then when DD is out of her cot, she sleeps in DSS's room but goes in with DS or you for the night DSS stays. Then later on, you do something clever with bunkbeds, a stud wall or a large Ikea Kallax unit to make the bigger room into 2?

I’d put the two littles together on the one night a week your stepson stays.
Otherwise your daughter gets the smaller room and I’d decorate it in neutral colors etc. Stepson goes in there when he stays. I’m sorry but a child there once a week doesn’t need a full bedroom empty 6 days a week!

Also anyone with a 2yr old or who actually remembers having one would tell you DO NOT DO BUNK BEDS! My 2yr old would be leaping off the bunk bed and up and down the stairs and it’s an accident waiting to happen.

@herewegoagaiin just saw your suggestion and it’s amazing! You could even add a baby gate to keep the 2yr old away from the access to the high bunk bed and toys they shouldn’t be playing with!

Im sorry, you don't want your two year old to have "girl toys" in his room? What?!

Aside from that, would it work to have DD or DS in with you when DSS is here? If I were your DH I would be really worried that DSS would simply stop coming. Who wants to share with a two year old? He would have no time or space to chill out in the evening if your DS goes to sleep at normal toddler time.