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Step-parenting

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Original poster

New baby and dsc bedroom situation

194 replies

missidontknow · 23/05/2023 13:41

Hey

long time lurker but first post for me today.

I am married to dh and we have one ds together and dh has a 7yo ds from previous marriage. i got caught pregnant by big surprise and am now 22 weeks with our daughter. Very very big shock as I was on the pill :S
we saved hard and bought our 3 bed house before I went on maternity with ds - we decided on having only one child together. So as it stands everyone has their own room - me & dh in the master bedroom, ds and DSS each have their own room with DSS having the smallest room as he only sleeps over once a week mainly due to dh work commitments. This has always been the arrangement between dh and his ex since they separated.

so here lies the problem - i (it seems wrongly) assumed that when our daughter is ready to move into her own room (around 10 months old if we go by what we did with ds) then she will go in the smaller bedroom and DSS will move into ds bedroom. Dh in full agreement of this as we both think that the resident children of opposite sex should each have their own room. Dss has a single bed in his room so I thought we could move that into ds room. This will take away a lot of space from ds and his toys etc but I thought that was the best solution and DSS will always have a proper bed in our house.

it seems however that I have become a wicked stepmother - dh family are barely speaking to me now. They keep making comments along the lines of ‘poor DSS having his bedroom taken away’. And how this new baby will ‘tip things over the edge’. I have been saying to dh for a while now that’s it’s upsetting me that our unborn daughter is somehow resented by them - that’s the impression I’m getting anyway, I don’t know if I’m being over sensitive.

DSS has agreed he will share ds bedroom under two conditions - they have bunk beds and he gets the top, and his PlayStation goes in the bedroom. I have said no to both. Firstly because I don’t like the idea of a 7yo telling us, the adults how it’s going to be, secondly I don’t think bunk beds are appropriate for my ds as he will be exactly 2 years old when our daughter is born and thirdly I refuse for my toddler to have a PlayStation in his room - I think it is totally inappropriate!!

am I in the wrong here? Honest opinions please? I snapped at the weekend when mother in law said ‘things will only be fair when you buy a 4 bed’ so I said ‘are you going to give us the extra thousands It costs for a 4 bed?’ To which she replied ‘you could sell up and rent a 4 bed’
is this the only solution we have honestly??! What do others think? My parents have told me to let ds and dd share a room until they are older then re-evaluate the situation, they think that the age gap between ds and DSS is too big and that I need to keep the peace.
I can’t help feeling like I will be letting my own ds down by making him share a room with his baby sister when there is an empty bedroom 6 nights a week

OP posts:
marshmallowmatcha · 23/05/2023 19:13

Right anyone on his side who is speaking negatively about your unborn child doesn't get to see you or any of your children. DH can take step kids to see them if that's his choice but you need to protect your kids from this shitshow where they are made to feel like they don't matter.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 23/05/2023 19:26

It’s a bit sad that the OP, a presumably young woman, is perpetuating the gender stereotyping of ‘boy toys’ (blue, dinosaur) and ‘girl toys’ (pink, dolls, prams). Toys are toys. Colours are colours. It’s also a shame that she’s ‘sad’ one child would be surrounded by the ‘wrong’ toys.

Anyway, that aside, you’re not unreasonable to expect your SS to share when he comes to stay. But I think you may need to look into the bunk beds.

TheOrigRights · 23/05/2023 20:10

herewegoagaiin · 23/05/2023 16:32

I agree having the two boys share will probably make the most sense when you get to that point. What about one of those bunk bed arrangements where it effectively splits a larger room in two with private spaces (see photo)? And, if your main bedroom is the largest room, could the two boys split that room and you have the room DSS is currently in?

Blimey, with a room that size you'd be better off just putting a wall down the middle.

ModestMoon · 23/05/2023 20:42

aSofaNearYou · 23/05/2023 18:00

But this happens in nuclear families all the time. A five year age gap is hardly unheard of.

Show quote history

In nuclear families the child doesn't have a whole other entire home that he spends most of his time in. This will make DSS feel like a guest and eventual he will stop staring overnight. A child whose parents are still together does not have this option. This would be my concern as the dad. Also, of it were a nuclear family, I'd say keep the little ones in a room together for a few years. It's only because DSS is only there one night that this option doesn't work.

Godlovesall26 · 23/05/2023 20:46

FartSock5000 · 23/05/2023 15:28

@missidontknow pick your battles.

Learn to say "we'll see..." instead of no.

Tell DSS that he WILL be moing in with DS but that is exciting because it means he will get to help choose how their new shared room is decorated and when DS is a bit older you'll get them bunk beds. Make it sound like a fun thing rather than telling him no straight away.

If he wants a place to pay PS games, could you set up a den for him and his Dad to have a place to do that?

Unless you try harder to include him, he will resent being pushed aside for your kids and this will lead to more hassle and behavoural issues.

Blend better now and make him feel part of your family and not like he's an outsider. That is his home too and you should have realised his needs would be a priority when he came as a package deal with his Dad.

Im not saying bow down to a 7 year old but you can listen to what he is asking for and deflect that over excitement to get him to focus on the here and now.

Moving rooms won't be for another year or 2 anyway so arguing now is pointless.

Honestly I agree with this post.

I would have seen it as a huge positive that DSS is actually envisioning practical solutions ie envisioning sharing, so very soon, and have very quickly jumped onboard that train.

Just tell him you’ve thought about it, his idea was good, but it’s so far away you can’t predict or promise, so if other good ideas like that come up keep the coming, but really let’s not worry about this for now, we’ll have plenty of time to discuss, and with this great creativity you already have I’m sure we’ll do great !

In the meantime if you have a spare corner in the living room or wherever that could be set up as a den as PP suggested for his toys and PlayStation, explaining the safety issue being the sole reason, maybe mentioning it in passing if he has decorations ideas for it. Emphasize he’ll get to redecorate his own space in the room, whenever the time comes, etc.

Getting him used to the idea of a new (screaming) baby instead might help, try to get him excited for the now, not anxious about whatever happens in over a year.

Godlovesall26 · 23/05/2023 20:54

Godlovesall26 · 23/05/2023 20:46

Honestly I agree with this post.

I would have seen it as a huge positive that DSS is actually envisioning practical solutions ie envisioning sharing, so very soon, and have very quickly jumped onboard that train.

Just tell him you’ve thought about it, his idea was good, but it’s so far away you can’t predict or promise, so if other good ideas like that come up keep the coming, but really let’s not worry about this for now, we’ll have plenty of time to discuss, and with this great creativity you already have I’m sure we’ll do great !

In the meantime if you have a spare corner in the living room or wherever that could be set up as a den as PP suggested for his toys and PlayStation, explaining the safety issue being the sole reason, maybe mentioning it in passing if he has decorations ideas for it. Emphasize he’ll get to redecorate his own space in the room, whenever the time comes, etc.

Getting him used to the idea of a new (screaming) baby instead might help, try to get him excited for the now, not anxious about whatever happens in over a year.

Show quote history

Having his own clear play den bang visible to anyone in the living room can also be a way of indirectly making him feel secure he’s definitely a member of the household (as long as he has his own sleeping space, albeit shared, like other siblings, nuclear families or not).

it doesn’t have to be all negative, and it sounds like he’s tried bless him, of course he’s going to want to feel like he has a little control, it’s just about framing the responses really. Praise the ideas, while emphasizing it’s so far away.

Just forget the ILs, good luck

Starseeking · 23/05/2023 21:00

I'd put the children of same sex together.

If you leave it a few years, it will be more of a fuss for DSS to share, as he will be too used to having his own room at 10/11/12, than he is at 7.

I'd move him in now, while he's happy to do so, and ignore DH family yourself, and get him to have words with them (I can't help but wonder if it's only you getting the stick, or are they saying exactly the same to your DH 🧐)

Daisydu · 23/05/2023 21:03

I think you’re right, but I’d let him have a PlayStation in there, just have times when he can play on it. But otherwise I’m with you. I wouldn’t let him have the PlayStation as a condition but I don’t see why it’s inappropriate for him to have one.

Daisydu · 23/05/2023 21:04

Also your dh needs to have your back where his family are concerned

Goldbar · 23/05/2023 21:06

Godlovesall26 · 23/05/2023 20:46

Honestly I agree with this post.

I would have seen it as a huge positive that DSS is actually envisioning practical solutions ie envisioning sharing, so very soon, and have very quickly jumped onboard that train.

Just tell him you’ve thought about it, his idea was good, but it’s so far away you can’t predict or promise, so if other good ideas like that come up keep the coming, but really let’s not worry about this for now, we’ll have plenty of time to discuss, and with this great creativity you already have I’m sure we’ll do great !

In the meantime if you have a spare corner in the living room or wherever that could be set up as a den as PP suggested for his toys and PlayStation, explaining the safety issue being the sole reason, maybe mentioning it in passing if he has decorations ideas for it. Emphasize he’ll get to redecorate his own space in the room, whenever the time comes, etc.

Getting him used to the idea of a new (screaming) baby instead might help, try to get him excited for the now, not anxious about whatever happens in over a year.

Show quote history

I agree. After all, you want him to be excited about the new baby, not resentful. And he's trying to come up with ideas (albeit from a 7yo's perspective) for how things might work and be really good.

Nsky62 · 23/05/2023 21:37

In time maybe a loft room?

ejbaxa · 23/05/2023 21:46

aSofaNearYou · 23/05/2023 18:38

I’d keep the baby in with you for 2-3 years at least. Taking bedside tables out would give room for a slim ikea toddler bed.

Why on Earth should a 3 year old child not have a bedroom so an older child who is hardly there doesn't have to share? That is absolute madness.

It is not absolute madness - you are only considering half the situation.

It's not as simple as not making the older child share. Remember that this older child already has his room. It stands to be taken away from him and he will be well aware of this. And he will have to have an annoying toddler in his space. Sorry to call your toddler annoying OP, but all toddlers are annoying at times - especially when you have the patience of a 7/8yo.

It is very different to them all moving into a property and the two boys being allocated a shared room. The fact is, the 7yo stands to have his existing room taken away to make way for a new baby.

caringcarer · 23/05/2023 22:30

It sounds like you and your DH made a sensible decision. It's not up to the DSS to make demands. I'd be asking DH to have a word with him about his attitude. Your DS won't be getting a room to himself either. I might be tempted to get bunk beds just so there will be a bit more space on the floor for your DS to play with his toys. It would be a definite NO about a gaming computer though. Does DSS have his own room at his Mum's? If yes I don't think it matters as much. Plenty of kids have to share a bedroom.

caringcarer · 23/05/2023 22:45

I don't understand why people are suggesting the two little ones share when that would mean 6 nights out of 7 one bedroom is unused. OP's children would never get their own room but DSS would have his own room every night, 2 rooms even every night. It is madness. Let DSS have bunk beds and share with DS. I'd be giving DSS a little storage for his toys in the living room so he can keep them safe from 2 year old. I'd be telling in-laws to keep their noses out.

aSofaNearYou · 23/05/2023 22:48

@ejbaxa I would remove a child from their room and reshift things to accommodate the fact that they have a three year old sibling who also needs a room, absolutely no question. Him not having to experience a change pales in comparison to their need to have a room in the first place.

Goldbar · 23/05/2023 23:03

caringcarer · 23/05/2023 22:30

It sounds like you and your DH made a sensible decision. It's not up to the DSS to make demands. I'd be asking DH to have a word with him about his attitude. Your DS won't be getting a room to himself either. I might be tempted to get bunk beds just so there will be a bit more space on the floor for your DS to play with his toys. It would be a definite NO about a gaming computer though. Does DSS have his own room at his Mum's? If yes I don't think it matters as much. Plenty of kids have to share a bedroom.

Children make demands all the time. It's normal for them to try to negotiate, strike bargains, push boundaries...I think it's unfair to describe this as 'attitude'. Obviously in reality children have very little power or control - but that's all the more reason to deal with them sensitively.

CoffeeYes · 23/05/2023 23:05

Intriguedbythis · 23/05/2023 14:28

i actually don’t agree at all with not letting a 7 year old barter. I think it’s perfectly reasonable for a child of that age to try and find their voice . Also could have been a learning curve for compromises - ie PlayStation no/ bunk beds yes. Or vice versa , with PlayStation being on a shelf.

however due to age gaps I think it’s very unfair to put the 7 year old with a toddler, the toddler and baby would go well together !

however I do sympathise with how strong you say they are all going on you ( the relatives) they probably all need to chill a bit.

The boys definitely need to share. I think bunk beds are a great idea. I think my brothers were 2 and 8 when they shared a room and they had to share full time. At least OP’s step son only sleeps there once a week and has his own room in a different house.

CoffeeYes · 23/05/2023 23:11

ejbaxa · 23/05/2023 21:46

It is not absolute madness - you are only considering half the situation.

It's not as simple as not making the older child share. Remember that this older child already has his room. It stands to be taken away from him and he will be well aware of this. And he will have to have an annoying toddler in his space. Sorry to call your toddler annoying OP, but all toddlers are annoying at times - especially when you have the patience of a 7/8yo.

It is very different to them all moving into a property and the two boys being allocated a shared room. The fact is, the 7yo stands to have his existing room taken away to make way for a new baby.

Show quote history

@ejbaxa My brother and I had our own bedrooms and when we were around the age of OP’s step son, our brother was born. This meant that I had to move into the smallest room (the only girl) and the boys shared the bigger room. Yes there was a large age gap, but so what. Not everyone can afford a 4 bed house.

@missidontknow the 2 boys should share a room and your Dd should have the smallest room. Ignore the posters saying that your step son, who only stays over once a week, should have his own bedroom. Get a bunk bed so save on floor space.

WalnutWhippy · 23/05/2023 23:35

Plenty of children who've had their own room end up sharing one if a new sibling comes along. I can't imagine they're all damaged for life by the experience.

ToBMarried24 · 23/05/2023 23:48

The two boys share and your daughter gets her own room. Your suggestion is fine.

As for DSS making demands…. I’d be saying no to both the cheeky sod. You’re the adults.

Pemba · 24/05/2023 01:44

He's not a 'cheeky sod', he's a seven year old child who might be feeling a bit insecure and unhappy at having his bedroom at his dad's house taken away from him. FGS, what is wrong with people? The bedroom taken away is a symbol of being pushed aside, I expect he feels like that, at least under the surface. By asking for bunk beds and a PlayStation he is attempting to make the best of it. Yes he has his own room at his mum's but he should also feel like he is always welcome and has a home at his dad's. Even though he only stays one night a week currently that could always change in the future.

Pemba · 24/05/2023 02:04

In practical terms, an extra bedroom would be ideal, but obviously a four bed house is not on the cards. There's not a spare downstairs room or anywhere else an extra room could be carved out?

I would keep the baby in with you for a year and then once she is sleeping through. I'd put her with your DS, because like pps suggested, she'll have more in common with your, by then, 3 year old than he will with his, by then 8 year old older brother. DSS's toys will be unsuitable etc.

If your bedroom is a good size I would rejig it and give that room to DS and DD. Like a pp suggested. More room then to give each their own area, maybe put in a room divider etc. Just decorate with a general kids theme, animals or fairy tales or something. DD won't suffer from not having a pink bedroom. This is assuming you can get a double bed in room 2 for you and your DP. DSS could keep his room then. Sacrifice a bit of your own comfort rather than making DSS do all the sacrificing. Four or five years later you can reorganise again, who knows maybe you'll be able to get a 4 bed by then, or do a loft conversion or something. It would be nice for DD to get her own room at 5 or 6,and at any rate DS will be old enough not to be at any risk from DSS's toys and stuff if they have to share at that stage.

Original poster
missidontknow · 24/05/2023 02:31

Thanks everyone for your opinions and advice. Up at this hour with lovely pregnancy insomnia :S

dh & I are going ahead with our original plan - hopefully keep dd in our room till around 10 months ish possibly a year, then she will move into the small room and the boys will share the bigger bedroom. Depending on what ds is like around that time they are going to have bunk beds. If not straight away we can use the single bed that DSS already has but they will eventually get bunks! And it’s still a strict no from me for the PlayStation in the bedroom but he can have it to play downstairs if he wants.

regarding the In laws - next time the subject is brought up, it will be shut down straight away by me or dh. Not there house so not their problem to worry about!

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 24/05/2023 07:32

WalnutWhippy · 23/05/2023 23:35

Plenty of children who've had their own room end up sharing one if a new sibling comes along. I can't imagine they're all damaged for life by the experience.

Right? I feel like I've entered an alternate dimension where it's totally unacceptable for children to ever have to move bedrooms, and if you have more children they will just have to not have a bedroom to make that a possibility. It is not the end of the world to switch rooms.

Macaroni46 · 24/05/2023 07:44

ToBMarried24 · 23/05/2023 23:48

The two boys share and your daughter gets her own room. Your suggestion is fine.

As for DSS making demands…. I’d be saying no to both the cheeky sod. You’re the adults.

Harsh and lacking in empathy. The DSS is not a 'cheeky sod', he's made reasonable suggestions at a time when his life is being disrupted (again). It's not his fault his parents aren't together and the birth of step-siblings is bound to feel unsettling. Bunk beds is a good suggestion and I'm glad to see OP is considering that.