New baby and dsc bedroom situation

[missidontknow]

Hey

long time lurker but first post for me today.

I am married to dh and we have one ds together and dh has a 7yo ds from previous marriage. i got caught pregnant by big surprise and am now 22 weeks with our daughter. Very very big shock as I was on the pill :S
we saved hard and bought our 3 bed house before I went on maternity with ds - we decided on having only one child together. So as it stands everyone has their own room - me & dh in the master bedroom, ds and DSS each have their own room with DSS having the smallest room as he only sleeps over once a week mainly due to dh work commitments. This has always been the arrangement between dh and his ex since they separated.

so here lies the problem - i (it seems wrongly) assumed that when our daughter is ready to move into her own room (around 10 months old if we go by what we did with ds) then she will go in the smaller bedroom and DSS will move into ds bedroom. Dh in full agreement of this as we both think that the resident children of opposite sex should each have their own room. Dss has a single bed in his room so I thought we could move that into ds room. This will take away a lot of space from ds and his toys etc but I thought that was the best solution and DSS will always have a proper bed in our house.

it seems however that I have become a wicked stepmother - dh family are barely speaking to me now. They keep making comments along the lines of ‘poor DSS having his bedroom taken away’. And how this new baby will ‘tip things over the edge’. I have been saying to dh for a while now that’s it’s upsetting me that our unborn daughter is somehow resented by them - that’s the impression I’m getting anyway, I don’t know if I’m being over sensitive.

DSS has agreed he will share ds bedroom under two conditions - they have bunk beds and he gets the top, and his PlayStation goes in the bedroom. I have said no to both. Firstly because I don’t like the idea of a 7yo telling us, the adults how it’s going to be, secondly I don’t think bunk beds are appropriate for my ds as he will be exactly 2 years old when our daughter is born and thirdly I refuse for my toddler to have a PlayStation in his room - I think it is totally inappropriate!!

am I in the wrong here? Honest opinions please? I snapped at the weekend when mother in law said ‘things will only be fair when you buy a 4 bed’ so I said ‘are you going to give us the extra thousands It costs for a 4 bed?’ To which she replied ‘you could sell up and rent a 4 bed’
is this the only solution we have honestly??! What do others think? My parents have told me to let ds and dd share a room until they are older then re-evaluate the situation, they think that the age gap between ds and DSS is too big and that I need to keep the peace.
I can’t help feeling like I will be letting my own ds down by making him share a room with his baby sister when there is an empty bedroom 6 nights a week

So you're wanting everything perfect for your kids but his child doesn't get anything? Your home is still his home.

He doesn't get nothing, he just has to share with his brother.

But even that is being painted as “just put his bed in the brothers room” rather than looking at at making it HIS room too.

if two children are sharing they both need to feel at home there.

OP, is there any chance your dh might have his ds to stay for more than one night a week in future? Maybe you could keep that in mind in terms of your decision - that your dss could want to spend more time with his dad.

Surely the solution is to keep DD in with you till she's reliably sleeping, then she and your younger DS can share the big room as they will be much closer ages and stages and DSS can have the small room and then revisit the situation in a few years' time. Personally I don't blame a 7yo for not wanting to share with a 2yo.

As for 'girl' toys and colours, just redecorate when needed/wanted? Both our girls' bedrooms would be 'suitable' for a boy anyway. DD1 has birds and dinosaurs and DD2 has dragons (chosen by DD1!). Nothing pink!

Thanks for this, my brother, who is one of my best friends, is gay :) I wouldn’t care if my ds turned out to be gay. As long as he was happy who cares??

there is in my house! My ds loves his dinosaurs and cars. He hates dolls and prams etc . He won’t play with my nieces toys when we go to my sisters. All his preference and choice - if he wanted to play with a doll he could do and I wouldn’t care

Practically I have a few suggestions - large family in a 3 bed.

Bunk beds when/if you do get them - we took several of the bottom rungs off the ladders so the little ones couldn't get up.

Baby used to sleep in a travel cot in the older kids bedroom doing the day which meant older ones could play in the big bedroom during nap times and baby would sleep in that travel cot anywhere as they were so used to it.

I would actually have the little 2 in together unless the baby turns out to be a nightmare sleeper in which case it could be baby and one parent in the master with the other parent sleeping elsewhere anyway!!

Longer term parents take the middle sized room 2 have the big room to share and set up some privacy/divide.

DSS has his own bedroom at his mums by the way fully equipped with everything he wants including a PlayStation. Decorated to his preference. I just doesn’t sit right with me deep down that my ds will have to share with dd and potentially be disturbed by her and have girl toys in his room. Also makes me feel sad that my daughter will be have a ‘boys bedroom’ decorated blue with dinosaurs etc. I know I sound precious but they are my children you lost me there.
You couldn’t make it more obvious that your DSS is an inconvenience if you tried. What he has at his mum’s is irrelevant. This is his dad’s house.

And as for that sexist crap about dinosaurs and girly toys, wtf?

Tell me, if your precious DD was in fact a DS would you still be making your DS share with DSS? Or is this all about your precious daughter, in which case you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of resentment from your DS and DSS when it seems plain that she’s the golden child.

The two younger ones should share. The age difference is similar enough that neither has to compromise. If you make the older one share with a toddler then the older one is going to feel pushed out, dictated to wrt what he can have and do in his space.

If this was me then ds and dss would share. Dss already has a bedroom at his mums home. Many children share rooms and there is nompoint having one room that only gets slept in one night a week.

We got bunk beds for our two when ds was 4 and dd was 2. Condition was no jumping and carrying on in top bunk or we would separate the beds. Worked well for us.

"there is in my house! My ds loves his dinosaurs and cars. He hates dolls and prams etc . He won’t play with my nieces toys when we go to my sisters. All his preference and choice - if he wanted to play with a doll he could do and I wouldn’t care"
But your DD might love dinosaurs and cars. You are being incredibly sexist presuming that DD will want to play with dolls and prams. I really don't think the boys / girls toys is an issue, nor the decoration.

Yeah, this makes sense.

You're already speaking about it as your sons bedroom/space not theirs?

How about a loft bed where DSS can have his own area underneath, figure out a way to stop your son accessing the steps/ladder or area underneath?

Little two should share until DS is older.

A 2yo around a 7yo's toys could be dangerous/inappropriate - Playstation, small Lego pieces, colouring pens on the walls etc. This is the important thing not what colour it's painted. Your toddler and not-yet-born baby DC do not need a gendered bedroom or gendered toys. Don't be so ridiculous. "Girl toys" FFS 😡

I think your suggestion sounds absolutely fine (if I was doing it I'd probably have the two youngest share for now but your suggestion is also totally fine).

I don't see why you wouldn't let them have bunk beds though - it seems like it would be nice for DSS to have his own space away from DS, plus it will save you on floor space. It would be great if DSS could feel excited about the change, and this seems like an easy way to do it.

Does he have a doll in his toybox at home?

Probably because his mother refers to them as "girl toys" and "boy toys"...

How do you know your DD won't love dinosaurs and cars too?

*But even that is being painted as “just put his bed in the brothers room” rather than looking at at making it HIS room too.

if two children are sharing they both need to feel at home there.*

Look, I do sort of see what you're saying.

... but at the same time, we have this set up - DSS shares with DD when he comes over. It does still very much feel like DD's room, she's there a hell of a lot more than he is. HE thinks of it as his room, but do I in my heart of hearts? No not really, it feels like her room that he shares when he comes over. People are expecting a lot if they're expecting OP to deeply feel that it is "their" room. Yes, it's important that it's spoken about like it's both of theirs to the child. But I do get why internally it wouldn't particularly feel that way to OP.

I agree with the poster above that it's perfectly reasonable for your DSS to try to bargain a bit - he's 7, not a toddler, and practising making his voice heard! It's not "children should be seen and not heard" anymore, thank goodness.

I also don't think his conditions are that unreasonable either - obviously as the oldest by a long way, he's going to have the top bunk. And asking for his PS in his room is not unreasonable from a child's perspective, although obviously a non-starter for several reasons. On the PS point, I'd offer him your bedroom to play it in until his bedtime assuming 2yo goes to bed before him. DSS actually sounds quite good-humoured and tolerant to me not kicking off about the new baby/sharing a room, especially given the nonsense being dripped in his ear by family about being "displaced".

Personally I'd give him the small room and the younger two the big room. Much less hassle toy/bedtime wise. But also fine for a 7yo to share with a 2yo.

I hope if you do make the boys share, you're not constantly going to be barking at DSS to be quiet and tiptoe about the whole time so he doesn't wake the 2yo. Because if the result of the room allocation is that he has to creep about silently the whole time and can't do normal 7yo stuff in his room, I'd rethink.

But if you are planning on keeping the baby in your room for the first 10 months then your son will be nearly 3. He will be fine in a bunk bed!

Honestly, I don't think you can take the 7yo's bedroom away and give it to the baby without valid resentment.
I'd put the 2 littlest in together, they'll grow up close, etc etc. The 7 yo needs their own space.

Don't make the 7 year old resent the baby before she even arrives. I know that's a harsh way to look at it, but the kid is 7. Don't take away his space to give to a baby.

The 2 yo and baby will enjoy sharing for a good few years and that'll be what they're used to.

I agree with this! DSS is just being shunted in with a toddler - in that sense I think his being allowed to choose something like bunk beds is a very fair solution to his having no choice over losing his own room. Bottom bunk will be perfectly safe for his little brother.

Personally I'd put the two little ones in together for a few years, it makes no sense to put a 2-year-old in with an 8-year-old. They have such different needs. You can re-evaluate/buy a bigger house when the kids are school age but there's no earthly reason why two very young children of different sexes can't share a room.

Also you don't actually need to make this decision until the baby who isn't even born yet is about 10 months, so that gives you nearly a year to work out what to do.

I think your son and daughter, with only 2 years between them, should share now and then you can reevaluate in the future. Then when bunkbeds are appropriate and your DS is old enough to respect DSS belongings they can share.

The boys' and girls' toys things is such a weird view. Your DS and DD are likely to be playing with the same toys as they will both be playing with toys for preschoolers. Hopefully DS will get over his "girls' toys" thing (how does a two year old pick that up if not from you?) when there plenty of them around his house. I hope you won't prevent your DD from playing with his dinosaurs?

DS and DD will likely have far more similar interests than DS and DSS, just because of the age gap. It's DSS's toys that will be inappropriate for DS, not DD's!

Well if it was me I would try and think how things will be in a year's time. It is going to be well over a year before your unborn daughter needs a room that isn't your room. By the time she is ready to put in a separate room, your DS will be around 3 years old? That will change how you view things I think?

Your DSS only stays one night a week and I don't think it is reasonable that he gets to have his own room which then lies empty 6 nights a week, I have to say. On the other hand I also think it is better that when it comes to 'sharing' the 2 little ones are better sharing since they are much closer in age ( or will be). But again, it is only 1 night per week

I don't think you are being totally reasonable in saying that a 7 year old doesn't get to dictate to the adults how things should be. In some instances I would agree - but not this one. He has a right, I think to voice his reservations about the changes which affect him too. I would give in to the 'top bunk' thing but not the play station

So I get that the decision is difficult. But if it were me and your DSS is willing to share if he has the top bunk, that's what I would do and give your DD her own, smaller bedroom. She'll have a lot of extra stuff while she is still small, in nappies etc, so that will have to go somewhere