New baby and dsc bedroom situation

[missidontknow]

Hey

long time lurker but first post for me today.

I am married to dh and we have one ds together and dh has a 7yo ds from previous marriage. i got caught pregnant by big surprise and am now 22 weeks with our daughter. Very very big shock as I was on the pill :S
we saved hard and bought our 3 bed house before I went on maternity with ds - we decided on having only one child together. So as it stands everyone has their own room - me & dh in the master bedroom, ds and DSS each have their own room with DSS having the smallest room as he only sleeps over once a week mainly due to dh work commitments. This has always been the arrangement between dh and his ex since they separated.

so here lies the problem - i (it seems wrongly) assumed that when our daughter is ready to move into her own room (around 10 months old if we go by what we did with ds) then she will go in the smaller bedroom and DSS will move into ds bedroom. Dh in full agreement of this as we both think that the resident children of opposite sex should each have their own room. Dss has a single bed in his room so I thought we could move that into ds room. This will take away a lot of space from ds and his toys etc but I thought that was the best solution and DSS will always have a proper bed in our house.

it seems however that I have become a wicked stepmother - dh family are barely speaking to me now. They keep making comments along the lines of ‘poor DSS having his bedroom taken away’. And how this new baby will ‘tip things over the edge’. I have been saying to dh for a while now that’s it’s upsetting me that our unborn daughter is somehow resented by them - that’s the impression I’m getting anyway, I don’t know if I’m being over sensitive.

DSS has agreed he will share ds bedroom under two conditions - they have bunk beds and he gets the top, and his PlayStation goes in the bedroom. I have said no to both. Firstly because I don’t like the idea of a 7yo telling us, the adults how it’s going to be, secondly I don’t think bunk beds are appropriate for my ds as he will be exactly 2 years old when our daughter is born and thirdly I refuse for my toddler to have a PlayStation in his room - I think it is totally inappropriate!!

am I in the wrong here? Honest opinions please? I snapped at the weekend when mother in law said ‘things will only be fair when you buy a 4 bed’ so I said ‘are you going to give us the extra thousands It costs for a 4 bed?’ To which she replied ‘you could sell up and rent a 4 bed’
is this the only solution we have honestly??! What do others think? My parents have told me to let ds and dd share a room until they are older then re-evaluate the situation, they think that the age gap between ds and DSS is too big and that I need to keep the peace.
I can’t help feeling like I will be letting my own ds down by making him share a room with his baby sister when there is an empty bedroom 6 nights a week

I also wouldn't allow playstation.
I would be careful how your phrase it though. You are not saying no because of your toddler being in the room, that will put the blame on your toddler.

In our house there are no screens in bedroom until they are secondary school aged, and even then not normal (and even then phones downstairs until aged15)

Your daughter will love sharing with her brother for a few years. I agree with your parents.
When she is about three she can move into her own room and your son will not be too young to share with SB.
The big boy can help decorate with you as he will by then know his sister as a real person.
I would never allow a Playstation, or any device, in a child's bedroom so I like your parenting there. Your SS will adjust to there being different rules at his Dad's place.
Plenty of families have three children in a three bedroom, one bathroom house, That is no hardship.

Yes he is being a cheeky little sod.

You can’t demand a new bed and a PlayStation in your room at 7. At 7 he shouldnt have a gaming device in his room at all. Let alone trying to barter for it. No wonder why kids think they rule the roast at home now.

😂. "Children should be seen and not heard" is alive and well, I see. Personally I like kids who try to strike deals so long as they accept defeat gracefully... it shows a bit of get up and go. I'd just be pleased he has taken the news of a new younger sibling and having to share his room so well, rather than wiping the floor with him for trying to exploit the situation to his advantage. Maybe offer him a zoo trip or other day out instead of the PS in his room?

When our new baby arrived, they wowed their older sibling with an amazing present and that went a long way to smoothing the way for the considerable disruption DC1 has had to endure since. They have a lovely relationship so far and DC1 still says thank you to DC2 for their gift.

Hardly but maybe I like to have polite well behaved kids that don’t make demands then cheeky little sods who think they can dictate to me.

suppose some parents do anything for a easy life.

It has nothing to do with wanting an easy life.

I would be very concerned to have a child who never made demands.

Children imo should not be brought up to believe that the best thing in life is to take up no space and be as self-effacing and undemanding as possible. Yes, they need to learn where the boundaries are between being assertive and being overbearing/out-of-order, but they're children, they're learning and it's fine for them to make mistakes and be gently corrected.

Kids are bound to feel ambiguous about a new sibling coming along, they are bound to lose some of their parents' attention at the very least, and sometimes the birth of the sibling will cause them to lose some of their personal space, like their own bedroom. That's still true even if (hopefully) they love their new baby brother/sister.

This applies when it's a full sibling too, but in this case, with step parents involved etc the situation is even more delicate. To have the child resenting the arrival of his new sister is obviously not a great start to their relationship. Possible he's come over a bit cheeky - he's seven! - but some posters seem to think he shouldn't have feelings about it. Pretty unkind.

The DS will also be losing his own exclusive bedroom of course, but at least he has the security of having both his parents living with him and is secure in their love. From reading the OP's posts she seems to lack empathy for her SS, she is more concerned with getting her DD her own girly bedroom ASAP. OP has only conceded she will get bunk beds later. If she wanted her own perfect little family set up with boy/girl themed bedrooms right from the start, perhaps she should have picked a man who didn't already have children. DSS is still a child, it's not his fault that his parents' relationship broke down.

It's literally one night per week. DSS can suck it up.

How would it be fair that DSS has his own bedroom both at his own home (mums) and his dads and your two have to share full time, causing you stress as DD will likely still wake at night, and leaving a much needed room empty 6 nights per week.

Let him get some new accessories for his side of the room. Tell him once DS is 4 you will get bunk beds for them as it will be safer then. Pop some higher shelves up with pull out boxes for his toys to keep them out of reach.

You do not have a bedroom empty 6 days of the week how bloody daft. If possible children of the same sex share a bedroom. If I wanted my youngest dd to have her own girlie bedroom in my house that i was paying towards then that is what would happen. DSS does not need a bedroom of his own at his mums and dad's, honestly it's ridiculous. He is there once a week. The world doesn't revolve around him, there's 2 other children to consider who live there. It won't do him any harm to learn about what's involved being part of a family. It's totally normal.

My different sex DCs room shared until youngest was 5.

Can you save up for a 4 bed in 5 years?

In any family if you had 2 biological sons and a daughter on the way the common sense thing to do once the baby goes in her own room would be for the 2 boys to share. It makes the most sense.

No different for a step son.

We don’t decide this based on time in the house, because regardless it is every child’s home. I assume there’s a really good reason your husband sees so little of his son. That would break my husband’s heart.

For us, we’d put the two little ones together the separate on the basis of sex when they’re older.

Remember the way you feel about your children is the way your husband feels about his children. All of them.

I think the way you propose the split of bedrooms is fine... no doubt DSS will be upset that his room is being given to the new baby but such is life I guess when people have more children than bedrooms.

I think your attitude about him giving you 'an ultimatum' stinks though. Kids are all about bartering, and I don't think his requests are OTT at all... bunk beds is a much better plan, kids love them, will save space, you can just put a rail up for the 2yr olds bed until he's older. PlayStation in his room, again not totally OTT, he might be a bit young for that but does he have anywhere else he can play it in the house besides the sitting room?

PP makes good point re: DSSs toys not being appropriate/safe for 2yr old. Will he now be expected to pack every toy away every night and be pressured to keep them away from 2yr old?

Can absolutely see why DSS would be upset, to him, his space is being taken by a new baby and he now has to share with another baby. I think you could be a bit more understanding about his POV to be honest, you don't sound very nice, sorry.

Given that your ddisnot here yet I think you have had this row too early. She will be in with you for at least six months so I would wait until she actually needs her own room. At that point you can decide what would be best. Making decisions like these when emotions are high seems daft.

DSS is 7 yrs old and like any child pushing the boundaries.

He will share but wants bunk beds - so why not get bunk neds or a cabin bed with steps up for him.
Absolutely no tot he playstation.

Meet him half way

It makes sense to have the toddlers together in the big room providing they both sleep well but the problem as I see it is that it is not a long term solution due to them being different sexes. Fast forward 6 years and you will be wanting a 6 year old girl and 9 year old boy to have their own rooms. At that point dss will be 14ish and I think it’s more problematic to take a room off a teenager to make them share and may result in them not coming full stop.

Opposite siblings share. Never been an issue in my house. They are so close in age. Much better than a 7 and 2 year old sharing.

You should realise by now that in the MN world everyone has to worship on the altar of the stepchild who gets whatever he/she demands because of their tragic situation. Resident children who often don't see much of their dad due to working anyway have to suck it all up and realise they're way down the ladder. Stepchildren arrive and it's big treat time, going out and about and being spoilt. Next weekend life goes back to normal with nothing going on.
It sucks.