New baby and dsc bedroom situation

[missidontknow]

Hey

long time lurker but first post for me today.

I am married to dh and we have one ds together and dh has a 7yo ds from previous marriage. i got caught pregnant by big surprise and am now 22 weeks with our daughter. Very very big shock as I was on the pill :S
we saved hard and bought our 3 bed house before I went on maternity with ds - we decided on having only one child together. So as it stands everyone has their own room - me & dh in the master bedroom, ds and DSS each have their own room with DSS having the smallest room as he only sleeps over once a week mainly due to dh work commitments. This has always been the arrangement between dh and his ex since they separated.

so here lies the problem - i (it seems wrongly) assumed that when our daughter is ready to move into her own room (around 10 months old if we go by what we did with ds) then she will go in the smaller bedroom and DSS will move into ds bedroom. Dh in full agreement of this as we both think that the resident children of opposite sex should each have their own room. Dss has a single bed in his room so I thought we could move that into ds room. This will take away a lot of space from ds and his toys etc but I thought that was the best solution and DSS will always have a proper bed in our house.

it seems however that I have become a wicked stepmother - dh family are barely speaking to me now. They keep making comments along the lines of ‘poor DSS having his bedroom taken away’. And how this new baby will ‘tip things over the edge’. I have been saying to dh for a while now that’s it’s upsetting me that our unborn daughter is somehow resented by them - that’s the impression I’m getting anyway, I don’t know if I’m being over sensitive.

DSS has agreed he will share ds bedroom under two conditions - they have bunk beds and he gets the top, and his PlayStation goes in the bedroom. I have said no to both. Firstly because I don’t like the idea of a 7yo telling us, the adults how it’s going to be, secondly I don’t think bunk beds are appropriate for my ds as he will be exactly 2 years old when our daughter is born and thirdly I refuse for my toddler to have a PlayStation in his room - I think it is totally inappropriate!!

am I in the wrong here? Honest opinions please? I snapped at the weekend when mother in law said ‘things will only be fair when you buy a 4 bed’ so I said ‘are you going to give us the extra thousands It costs for a 4 bed?’ To which she replied ‘you could sell up and rent a 4 bed’
is this the only solution we have honestly??! What do others think? My parents have told me to let ds and dd share a room until they are older then re-evaluate the situation, they think that the age gap between ds and DSS is too big and that I need to keep the peace.
I can’t help feeling like I will be letting my own ds down by making him share a room with his baby sister when there is an empty bedroom 6 nights a week

I would say yes to the bunk beds! It’ll be another 18 months before your daughter needs the small room, by which time your son will be closer to 4, and plenty old enough for a bottom bunk. It’s up to you what rules you and your dh then want about consoles in bedrooms.

your IL are being ridiculous.

Personally I would get bunks. My ds went on to the bottom bunk aged 2.5 and then on to the top bunk aged 5.5 and at that point his sister went onto the bottom aged 2.
I had 3 sharing, and they went in as babies in the shared room in the cot aged about 7 months. They still woke sometime in the night and the first few nights the older ones woke up, and then after a few nights they got used to it and slept through.

So if you have boys sharing I think your ds will be fine on bottom bunk
If the younger two share, they will get used to each other's noise.

Don't forget that by the time baby is born and reaches 10 months that is another year from now, so your ds will be 3.

Whatever you decide use paint and wall stickers to define each child's area, so that they have a feeling of their room. You can easily switch/repaint, so if you do younger ones sharing for a year and then move them to boys sharing then you can easily paint again.

If you have DSS on top bunk, one way to make it more his room is to put shelves on the wall only accessible from the top bunk so that he has his space.

2 drawbacks to bunks

1. good climbers can climb onto the top bunk aged 2, and that is dangerous.
2. you can't easily sit on a bottom bunk to read a bed time story, and not at all on the top bunk

No this isn’t all about my ‘precious daughter’ if you bother to read my posts you will see I am equally bothered about my ds. Why should my ds share a room with his sister when there is an empty bedroom 6 nights a week? Or do you suggest we keep that bedroom as a shrine the nights DSS isn’t here and my daughter can sleep on the landing?

you are bang on with what you’re saying though, my daughter is precious, my son is also precious, of course my children are precious to me :)

Why should my ds share a room with his sister when there is an empty bedroom 6 nights a week? Or do you suggest we keep that bedroom as a shrine the nights DSS isn’t here and my daughter can sleep on the landing?

The reason we have done it this way is because we use what will be DSS's room (baby DD2 is still in there at the moment) as a guest room when people sleep over. My DP might also use it to work in. Might be something to consider.

But if you don't need a spare room for anything, then I think you're right, there's no sense two resident children sharing so that somebody who's rarely there can have a room to themselves. Especially long term as your younger children are not the same sex.

Nope you are totally, totally wrong. My ds can play with whatever he chooses. At nursery he chooses cars, bikes etc, never dolls or prams however he has always had access to them. My two nieces who he spends lots of time with have dolls, prams, Barbies etc and he isn’t interested. I bought him a doll when I found out I was pregnant with dd as I wanted him to get used to seeing a ‘baby’ but he isn’t interested.

Bunk beds are a bastard to change the bedlinen on.

I think your suggestion is the best albeit imperfect. I wouldn’t want young children having consoles in the bedroom anyway.

Beware op MN hate stepmums 🙄
Both options are fine, personally I'd have both little ones in the same room. It's not going to happen for atleast a year yet anyway! But you can decorate half the room for the each child and it'll work out better until your boy is 10. Plus then when dss isn't there you can close his door and it's only 1 bedroom you need to clean and tidy instead of two.

shame your step son isn’t precious.

He's only two though, his interests are going to change all the time. It wouldn't hurt him to have dolls in his bedroom, and you could be contributing to his view that dolls are for girls by referring to them as girls' toys.

I’m sure he is, to his parents

The little ones together in a room makes more sense, if you're insistent not to do that though I'm not sure why youre discounting bunk beds, sounds bloody miserable for a 7 year old to be in a room with a 2 year old, at least give him some privacy.

But the OP entered a relationship knowing there was another child and is now making it pretty clear he doesn’t matter to her which is sad.

@missidontknow pick your battles.

Learn to say "we'll see..." instead of no.

Tell DSS that he WILL be moing in with DS but that is exciting because it means he will get to help choose how their new shared room is decorated and when DS is a bit older you'll get them bunk beds. Make it sound like a fun thing rather than telling him no straight away.

If he wants a place to pay PS games, could you set up a den for him and his Dad to have a place to do that?

Unless you try harder to include him, he will resent being pushed aside for your kids and this will lead to more hassle and behavoural issues.

Blend better now and make him feel part of your family and not like he's an outsider. That is his home too and you should have realised his needs would be a priority when he came as a package deal with his Dad.

Im not saying bow down to a 7 year old but you can listen to what he is asking for and deflect that over excitement to get him to focus on the here and now.

Moving rooms won't be for another year or 2 anyway so arguing now is pointless.

I would wait to do anything and have your daughter in your room for the first year. That way the boys both have their own rooms for now. The older son will likely want his own space with a new baby about and can keep his older toys safe.
After a year think again about the rooms and beds. There are loads of really cute room themes a little brother and sister could share or cool bunk beds for the boys. But I just would park the decision and any stress for now- cross that bridge when you come to it!

Keep baby in with you until they are sleeping through then 2 youngest can share for a few years.

It’s not about keeping your stepchild’s room a ‘shrine’ OP. You seem to forget that this is also the child’s home! The child has a right to a home with both parents. If you choose to have children with a man already with prior children you really must respect their ‘other children’. The age gap would really not make sense to put them in and I don’t see why you would think it’s normal to remove your stepchild’s bedroom.

its pretty obvious you just want to make a girly nursery room and sod the stepchild.

perhaps in a few years the stepchild will want to be at their dads more. Most family’s default to an eldest child having their own room ( if not enough to go round) as it’s fair / they will need privacy in a few years.

We had similar. I kept DD in with us until she was 2. By then it made more sense for DS and DSS to share a room. If you keep the baby in with you for 2 years then DS will be 4 and past the point of toys being a danger to him for the most part. Then get bunk beds and move the two boys in together. There is no good solution frankly. It's your home and ultimately your choice.

I think bunk beds with dss on top is a good suggestion. No to the PlayStation, but we didn't allow screens in bedrooms (no TVs in any bedrooms even ours now)

"I would compromise and go for bunk beds for the boys. Not the PlayStation though"

👆 this. I don't think there's anything wrong with letting him feel as though he's getting something out of the deal, he is losing his own space after all.

perhaps in a few years the stepchild will want to be at their dads more. Most family’s default to an eldest child having their own room ( if not enough to go round) as it’s fair / they will need privacy in a few years.

I've said this on lots of threads but I honestly hate the "eldest has their own room" thing. Why? In what way is it "fair"? Why is the eldest child more deserving by default? It just comes across like outdated tradition to me. And it makes even less sense when that child is rarely there.

The baby stays in your room until aged 18months.
Step son stays in his room.
Your son and daughter share the room for a good few years eventually.

I'm sure your daughter won't be harmed by "boys toys and dinosaurs " she may even like them and dislike pink and glitter.

Why not keep your little one in your bedroom until she is stops teething and then transfer her to your DS's room (plus, since they will be closer to share, they can share their toys and it would be more enjoyable for them than for a 7 year old to share a room with a toddler).

Once they are a bit older, move your DD to the small room and make DS and DSS share.

I wouldn't be keeping my baby in with me for over a year, inconveniencing myself and my DP every day, so DSS doesn't have to share a room once a week.

He's 7. He doesn't understand reasons why it might work better that he shares. He's had his own room at yours but new baby arrives and he's being pushed out of his own room to share with a toddler. Of course he's going to feel pushed out, even though that isn't your intention. I agree with many others though it's more appropriate that the two youngest share, it's too big an age gap between your toddler and step son.

I think you made a mistake even bringing the issue up with your stepson and inlaws so early on. You have a year before the baby will be ready to go into her own room so I would have avoided linking her birth to your stepson potentially 'losing' his room. I would drop it for the moment and say there's 'ages' to work it out and no change will be needed immediately.