New baby and dsc bedroom situation

[missidontknow]

Hey

long time lurker but first post for me today.

I am married to dh and we have one ds together and dh has a 7yo ds from previous marriage. i got caught pregnant by big surprise and am now 22 weeks with our daughter. Very very big shock as I was on the pill :S
we saved hard and bought our 3 bed house before I went on maternity with ds - we decided on having only one child together. So as it stands everyone has their own room - me & dh in the master bedroom, ds and DSS each have their own room with DSS having the smallest room as he only sleeps over once a week mainly due to dh work commitments. This has always been the arrangement between dh and his ex since they separated.

so here lies the problem - i (it seems wrongly) assumed that when our daughter is ready to move into her own room (around 10 months old if we go by what we did with ds) then she will go in the smaller bedroom and DSS will move into ds bedroom. Dh in full agreement of this as we both think that the resident children of opposite sex should each have their own room. Dss has a single bed in his room so I thought we could move that into ds room. This will take away a lot of space from ds and his toys etc but I thought that was the best solution and DSS will always have a proper bed in our house.

it seems however that I have become a wicked stepmother - dh family are barely speaking to me now. They keep making comments along the lines of ‘poor DSS having his bedroom taken away’. And how this new baby will ‘tip things over the edge’. I have been saying to dh for a while now that’s it’s upsetting me that our unborn daughter is somehow resented by them - that’s the impression I’m getting anyway, I don’t know if I’m being over sensitive.

DSS has agreed he will share ds bedroom under two conditions - they have bunk beds and he gets the top, and his PlayStation goes in the bedroom. I have said no to both. Firstly because I don’t like the idea of a 7yo telling us, the adults how it’s going to be, secondly I don’t think bunk beds are appropriate for my ds as he will be exactly 2 years old when our daughter is born and thirdly I refuse for my toddler to have a PlayStation in his room - I think it is totally inappropriate!!

am I in the wrong here? Honest opinions please? I snapped at the weekend when mother in law said ‘things will only be fair when you buy a 4 bed’ so I said ‘are you going to give us the extra thousands It costs for a 4 bed?’ To which she replied ‘you could sell up and rent a 4 bed’
is this the only solution we have honestly??! What do others think? My parents have told me to let ds and dd share a room until they are older then re-evaluate the situation, they think that the age gap between ds and DSS is too big and that I need to keep the peace.
I can’t help feeling like I will be letting my own ds down by making him share a room with his baby sister when there is an empty bedroom 6 nights a week

But they are all your husbands children so you can push your step son out.

Thanks so much. A previous poster on this thread has tagged some bunk beds which look fodder friendly so I’m going to look into those. I’m not apposed to bunk bets as it gives more floor/toy space like you say.

I am very shocked by my in laws - they were so happy about my first pregnancy - it was all they spoke about for the months leading up to ds birth and they doted on him when he was born. It kills me inside that my daughter isn’t going to get the same welcome :(

I would probably keep the baby in your room until age 2 or 3 to be honest. Then I would give her the bigger room, give your son the small room but have a fold out bed or something in the bigger room for your son to go on the one night a week your step son is there so the step son can have his own room for that one night.

Absolutely NOBODY is pushing him out! He has a single bad in his room which is only about 18 months old - what is wrong with my suggesting that bed gets moved into ds’s room? He still had a permanent bed at our house. He has his own bedroom all to himself at his mums where he is 6 nights a week. we don’t have spare money lying around for bunk beds the second he requests them.

Your DH needs a strong word with his family; it’s not their business.
With your DSS I’d give him the bunk beds; I don’t think it’s really an issue having your DS on the bottom and while children don’t get to give ultimatums I think you do need to consider that he is losing something so let him gain something else. You want him to be happy with the situation and you risk that by this approach.

I'd just put the 2yo and nearly 1yo in together. My opposite sex kids shared til the eldest was about 6/7. And only stopped sharing as we moved.

If you keep them together, with all their age appropriate toys, then once your ds is about 8/9, dss will be about 15 and you can rejig and see what works down the line.

Do you think your Ds's willy will drop off if he's near 'girls' toys' ?
Is there a problem with having a cupboard of toys in the room for your DSS that only he has access to? Presumably you can let him use a playstation downstairs if you don't want him to use it upstairs? You could get a daybed with drawers underneath where he can keep his stuff.

If your DH is so busy that he only has him over one night a week, at least make it nice for dss - you sound resentful of him, but he's your dh's child as much as your kids together are.

I’ll add that when my DD was born we had to ask DSD to share her room so we got some new bits for the room - rug, lampshade and curtains so that DSD still felt she was doing well out of it. You want them both to be happy so it’s worth it

The little ones can share for the moment. I shared with my brother till we were 7 and 8. Neither of us was fussed about boy/girl stereotypes, bedroom painted a weird shade of mustard IIRC.

Given four or five or even six years to re-evaluate, you might be able to move, split another room in two, extend, or find the perfect bunkbeds.

Don't rush, don't displace the 7 year old.

What are girls toys? And a boys bedroom?

You've got nearly a year before baby can go in her own room anyway. I'd just leave things for now and reassess then.
But my boys have a mid sleeper bunk bed since they were 2 and 5. I'd get the bunks.

My two boys shared (through my eldests choice) for a few years until last year. They are now aged 10 and 4. There wasn't an issue with it at all. People saying the eldests toys may be dangerous of course but is there a compromise with this? Do you have space elsewhere for the toys?

I'd certainly put the two boys together with the baby in her own room.

You don't want either child disturbed by the baby waking up in the night or very early in the morning. To me it's a no brainier!

Also makes me feel sad that my daughter will be have a ‘boys bedroom’ decorated blue with dinosaurs etc

Well this is ridiculous. If you don't want your dd in a dinosaur room (why??) then repaint the room when she moves in.

Not pink tho - don't want your ds to catch the gay

A 2 year old and a 7 year old can share a room! That is the ages of my 2 DS, we have a 2 bed house so they share 7 days a week every week 🤣 yes it is a pain sometimes as the 2 year old tips out the Lego, or climbs up to the top bunk, but we manage this mainly by having the stair gate at the top of the stairs closed so 2 year old can only really go up while I’m up there anyway! Plus by the time your DD is old enough to be going in her own room your DS will be 3 I’m presuming if he’s 2 already and some of these issues won’t be as bad! It’s one night a week, your DSS will be fine!! If you did decided on bunk beds, have a look for some where the ‘ladder’ is more steps than a straight up and down ladder! My 2 year old has already mastered these and I don’t have too much of an issue with him climbing up and down as long as I’m up there! By the time your son is 3 he will be fine with bunk beds!

It is going to be a difficult age split for sharing. It’s not unreasonable, it’s just going to be very difficult.

does the older child currently have a PlayStation in his room at your house? Is he allowed to play with small toys? The problem is that he shouldn’t be having to give up his actual activities.

Generally the common space of the home doesn’t work for older child activities because the toddlers have to be kept safe or they just interfere, so older children are told to retreat to their rooms. In this scenario, the older child is left with no safe zone. You need to have a plan so he can engage in normal, age-appropriate play.

i was going to let the sexism slide, but I just can’t.

There is no such thing as girl toys and boy toys. This idea needs to die already.

Either solution would be reasonable but in your shoes, and for the next few years, I would have the two younger ones together.

MIL used to be a bit like this - always on the front foot to battle for DSC. I think families get worried SC will feel left out, so they go too far the other way to compensate.

I think your room solution sounds fine but I would go with bunk beds - you can get ones where the bottom bunk is on the floor, so suitable for toddlers, and they’ll each still have more space for their own things in the room.

Ignore your in laws, they are being ridiculous.

I would have DS and DSS share, but I would do bunk beds depending on how unruly your DS is - he will be about 3 by the time your DD can go into her own room.

My DD has bunk beds in her room, she's in the bottom bunk and DSS is in the top when he stays over. She never really tries to climb the ladder or anything and having bunk beds is just a better use of space.

If you don't want your DS to have bunk beds yet I'd do singles but swap to bunk beds when you feel he's old enough.

I think your plan is fine. Your dss only sleeps at your house for one night a week so it’s unfair to make your dd share a room just for dss to sleep in the room for that one night.
Sometimes, parents just have to think about the practical solutions and he is only 7 so he can do what he’s told! If you weren’t a step family and had 2 boys already and then expecting a girl, wouldn’t you be doing this exact same thing?
I think your DH needs to tell his family to mind their own business and you are doing what is right for your own family.

You might not like it but your DH has another child. You deliberately trying to make it rubbish at yours so he doesn’t want to stay over anymore?

And try not to be bothered about your in law's reaction. Avoid them. What they think should not stop you from being excited about your daughter, they're not your parents, just don't bother with them. Enjoy your pregnancy!

So you're wanting everything perfect for your kids but his child doesn't get anything? Your home is still his home.

i actually don’t agree at all with not letting a 7 year old barter. I think it’s perfectly reasonable for a child of that age to try and find their voice . Also could have been a learning curve for compromises - ie PlayStation no/ bunk beds yes. Or vice versa , with PlayStation being on a shelf.

however due to age gaps I think it’s very unfair to put the 7 year old with a toddler, the toddler and baby would go well together !

however I do sympathise with how strong you say they are all going on you ( the relatives) they probably all need to chill a bit.

If you have any money spare is there any way of building a mezzanine bed for him in the room so he has his own space? Obviously this depends on room size, ceiling height and spare cash!