New baby and dsc bedroom situation

[missidontknow]

Hey

long time lurker but first post for me today.

I am married to dh and we have one ds together and dh has a 7yo ds from previous marriage. i got caught pregnant by big surprise and am now 22 weeks with our daughter. Very very big shock as I was on the pill :S
we saved hard and bought our 3 bed house before I went on maternity with ds - we decided on having only one child together. So as it stands everyone has their own room - me & dh in the master bedroom, ds and DSS each have their own room with DSS having the smallest room as he only sleeps over once a week mainly due to dh work commitments. This has always been the arrangement between dh and his ex since they separated.

so here lies the problem - i (it seems wrongly) assumed that when our daughter is ready to move into her own room (around 10 months old if we go by what we did with ds) then she will go in the smaller bedroom and DSS will move into ds bedroom. Dh in full agreement of this as we both think that the resident children of opposite sex should each have their own room. Dss has a single bed in his room so I thought we could move that into ds room. This will take away a lot of space from ds and his toys etc but I thought that was the best solution and DSS will always have a proper bed in our house.

it seems however that I have become a wicked stepmother - dh family are barely speaking to me now. They keep making comments along the lines of ‘poor DSS having his bedroom taken away’. And how this new baby will ‘tip things over the edge’. I have been saying to dh for a while now that’s it’s upsetting me that our unborn daughter is somehow resented by them - that’s the impression I’m getting anyway, I don’t know if I’m being over sensitive.

DSS has agreed he will share ds bedroom under two conditions - they have bunk beds and he gets the top, and his PlayStation goes in the bedroom. I have said no to both. Firstly because I don’t like the idea of a 7yo telling us, the adults how it’s going to be, secondly I don’t think bunk beds are appropriate for my ds as he will be exactly 2 years old when our daughter is born and thirdly I refuse for my toddler to have a PlayStation in his room - I think it is totally inappropriate!!

am I in the wrong here? Honest opinions please? I snapped at the weekend when mother in law said ‘things will only be fair when you buy a 4 bed’ so I said ‘are you going to give us the extra thousands It costs for a 4 bed?’ To which she replied ‘you could sell up and rent a 4 bed’
is this the only solution we have honestly??! What do others think? My parents have told me to let ds and dd share a room until they are older then re-evaluate the situation, they think that the age gap between ds and DSS is too big and that I need to keep the peace.
I can’t help feeling like I will be letting my own ds down by making him share a room with his baby sister when there is an empty bedroom 6 nights a week

This!

DSS in with DS.

Could you potentially then let him have the PlayStation in DDs room so he could play it in there during the day?

Both boys no longer have a bedroom of their own because they will be having a baby sister. Perfectly normal for two boys to share and girl to have her own room.

I wouldn't be listening to demands, it might not be what DSS wants but it's what happens when families get bigger - both boys have to share, not just him!

Ignore the nonsense, you are doing the right thing. As long as both have their own bed, and their own area in the room to put their personal stuff, it is fine.

Honestly.. I would start as you mean to go on. As they get older the older one will get set in his ways and even more reluctant to share a room.

Your DSS doesn’t get to dictate, neither do your in laws. I had to share a bedroom growing up as do millions of other kids across the world.

Stick to your guns x

I’d say that taking step child’s bedroom for a new baby is asking for trouble. We have the same situation but ate child a little older. They have their own room and yes, it’s used every other weekend, yes it’s annoying as there is an ‘empty bedroom’ but it’s far better than the child feeling pushed out. Together we have a son (4) and a daughter (1). They share, and daughter only moved when she was reliably sleeping through, and I love it - they have such a beautiful friendship already.
I see no issue until they are much older - I reckon we have about six years. We have other options as there is the conversion of the loft, we have a spare reception downstairs that could be changed but I think new baby = removal of oldest bedroom isn’t going to go well in the long term even if it’s ok in the short term.
Good luck! X

But this happens in nuclear families all the time. A five year age gap is hardly unheard of.

It might feel less like losing a bedroom if you make some changes to the room, and from experience it has been very important for each child sharing to have their own chest of drawers, shelves, desk (space permitting) etc even if most of the room is shared, that provides the sense that each child has their own stake in the room. Maybe move the furniture around a bit and do something like that?

Or DSS could even have a raised bed with desk under type thing - he might like that and I wouldn't take up more space than a bed (could remove lower rungs if climbing a risk)

It’s it’s only his dad’s home, not his home too. The 7 year old should be made feel unwelcome as possible by taking his room away. He also shouldgo to bed at 7pm on the one night a week he stays with his dad, so as to not disturb the 2 year old who is his dad’s real family.

ffs

Yes but in a ‘nuclear’ family as you call it, no one is just venturing there one night a week.

It’s sad that the poor 7 year old’s father can’t stick up for him.

Don’t worry, I’m sure that he’ll stop staying there as soon as possible if he is turfed out of his own space.

Your goal achieved

I'd have the baby and elder child in the same room, move the baby at weekends in with you so you get to share with DD for that night when DSS is over.
It's not nice being only able to see one parent 1 day a week as it is, don't push him out even more.

Your son and daughter may well want to share a room. They are closer in age and, at least for a few years, will probably be good friends too.

You don't have to decide now.

Dont trouble trouble, until trouble troubles you!

My 2 youngest boys have a slightly bigger gap than your dss and ds and they share a room. I wouldn’t have a baby sharing as it will be very disruptive. Plus getting dss to share in later years might be more difficult.
You can get Bunkbeds where you lock the steps so lo can’t climb it if you wanted to get them. A 7yr old shouldn’t have a PlayStation imo so that one would be a no go for me.
Your in-laws are out of order.

I’d keep the baby in with you for 2-3 years at least. Taking bedside tables out would give room for a slim ikea toddler bed.

alternatively the two little ones can share for several years.

I think the worst option would be to take dss’s bedroom. I know it’s empty most of the time, but it’s a clear message: more kids, you lose your room.

you could even give up the master bedroom and get it partitioned for 2 of the children. You and your h go into the middle sized room and leave dss in the smallest room.

mind you, seems like you have major problems if you have a 7yo issuing demands like thay

I don't have step children but have 3 kids - the eldest is 8 and the younger two are 3 and 4.

Originally we had a trial period of the two same sex sharing (4 and 8) eldest hated it but the then 3 year old loved it. We now have the youngest two sharing and the eldest in his own room....it means he can have his friends over without his little siblings butting in or he can paint his model kits in peace. What does your DSS want to do? Would he prefer his own space? He'll soon be heading into preteen Hood and I can imagine this will be tricky to navigate sharing a room with a younger sibling.

My boy/girl share really well- we're saving up for the loft to be converted (is this an option for you?) We've decorated in bright colours - yellow ceiling, soft green walls and kept it a rainbow/bright theme it looks lovely....as they get older you could buy a bunk bed for them?

Another option would be - for you and hubby to move into the second largest room and to put up a stud wall in the master bedroom. Loft bunk for the oldest and a cabin bed for the younger boy..😀

*Yes but in a ‘nuclear’ family as you call it, no one is just venturing there one night a week.

It’s sad that the poor 7 year old’s father can’t stick up for him.

Don’t worry, I’m sure that he’ll stop staying there as soon as possible if he is turfed out of his own space.

Your goal achieved*

It's in no way more sad that a child who only has to be there once a week might have switch bedrooms and share with a 2 year old, than it would be if a nuclear child was having to do the same thing. That logic is backwards and seems purely rooted in just feeling sorry for step children, rather than actually looking at the situation objectively.

Boys need to go together.
DS seems to be missed in peoples opinions- he is just now sleeping well.
It will be a big change having DSS in with him once a week he needs the familiarity of his current sleep set up.

Maybe agree to bunk beds when DS turns 3 or when it's Christmas as part of their gift?

Baby from 6 months needs her own room, it's an absolute waste to have a room standing empty 6 nights a week.

Only other suggestion (in time) would be a high sleeper for DSS and then there is the floor space for DS when DSS isn't there and dangerous items of DSS's could be put high up.

If you move DSS bed in to DS's room I suggest a wall unit like the ikea kallax for over DSS bed so he has personal space DS cannot access.

Your in laws sound vile.
Surround yourself with positive people you'll need them.

I’d keep the baby in with you for 2-3 years at least. Taking bedside tables out would give room for a slim ikea toddler bed.

Why on Earth should a 3 year old child not have a bedroom so an older child who is hardly there doesn't have to share? That is absolute madness.

The SS having the top bunk makes sense. You are jot going to put a toddler in the top anyway.

I think with the age gap it would make sense for the toddler and baby to go in together actually.

As the get older the boys can share.

I think you are ridiculous feeling sad that your dd would be in a "boys bedroom" with boys toys. Ffs she won't know any different and won't care anyway. I have 2 boys and they have a pink hello kitty trolley in their bedroom.

Tbh I think it makes sense to have the youngest 2 share when your baby gets to 1. That's what, 18 months away? Reassess every so often if it doesn't work. Bunk beds are also a great use of space.

I think because your own dc is so young you have this perceived idea that your dss should be more mature. He's 7, he's still a young child.

Also I would not have a 7yo share with a 2yo if I could help it. They will have different bedtimes for years

Your stepson has his parents living in two houses. I’m sure he’d rather have one room, one house, both parents. But here we are.

on this point you are very unreasonable.

also as I’m now annoyed. They are toys and decorations. They are not gendered.

I wouldn't make too much of a deal over it right now. The new baby will presumably be in with you for a while anyway, but isn't even due for another 4 months, so it'll be almost a year before the bedroom issues arise.

DS will be older and may well be up to sharing a bunk bed by then ( obviously not the top bunk) although you may need to figure out a way to stop him from climbing up there when you are not looking.
You may prefer to put to the 2 little ones in together for a while, but my point is, you won't know at this juncture what will work. It depends on sleep reliability and timings to some extent, so wait and see. Make it clear to DSS that flexibility will be required from him and DS, and you as adults will decide what works best for all the DC at the appropriate time. Point out that it's not fixed in stone, and you can try out different arrangements to see what works.
You might mention that you will be keeping his Playstation safe, and DS will not be having access to it. It will have to go somewhere up high/out of reach when it's not in use by DSS.
All the children need to know that there are 2 bedrooms for 3 DC so some people will have to share some of the time, and it might not always be the same ones.

Okay so I'm going to give you my house set up...
I have one child from previous relationship who is 9 my DH has two children 10 and 13 and we have had two children together, 2 and 1.

We have a 4 bed house. We have the master and the 3 resident children have their own rooms. So my 9 year old and our 1 year old and 2 year old.
My step children who come and stay roughly 5 nights a month go in with their half sibling. So my 9 year old doesn't share.
Our 1 year old shares with the 13 year old and the 10 year old shares with our 2 year old.
I believe that the resident children need a room each. It's absolutely bonkers for rooms to sit empty 25-26 nights a month for the sake of 5 nights!
Obviously people will have an opinion in that the 13 year old shouldn't share with a one year old but needs must.
The 13 and 10 year old have the rooms to hang out in during the days and as soon as the 1 and 2 year old go to bed they come down and we watch movies or play games or just chill.
I think you are right in what your planning and just ignore the others.
As for ultimatums - don't give in now. It will only get worse - let's face it. They are children and often don't know what's best for them. Good luck x

Also bear in mind that once DS is a bit older, the boys might enjoy sharing, it's not necessarily a bad thing.
We had an arrangement here where my oldest and youngest DC shared with 8 years between them, and middle one had his own room. This was at the suggestion of the eldest, and it worked for a few years, after which we changed round again. The youngest one was happy to share with anyone, and is still at 22 very flexible about sharing rooms or giving up his room for visitors.

I'd encourage them not to be too precious about it.

And it's none of the extended family's business , so best DH tells them that you will do what is best for ALL the DC and leave it at that. Don't get involved in drawn out discussions.