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Step-parenting

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Original poster

CMS and step family

318 replies

tiredofthegrind · 07/05/2023 07:45

I have NC for this post as I don't want my family to see it

I have one DD13 and split up with my ex when she was 3. Relations between me and my ex aren't great but got bit better since he remarried as his new wife and I get on alright with her.

He pays £500 per month and has her every Friday to Monday plus a evening or two for dinner in the week. He's not a high earner about 21k a year so we came to this arrangement privately which is fine as it tops up my benefits but money is tight and I can't up my hours at work (I'm part time) because then I get sanctioned on my benefits and I like having time off for me which as a mum I think is fair.

About 6 months ago my daughter told me that my ex's new wife is on a giant salary £65,000 a year ! My Dd found a work letter lying around addressed to his new wife and yes she shouldn't have snooped but teenagers are like that and it shouldn't have been left out so didn't tell my dd off for it.

It just really fucks me off that I'm stuck in a rented shitty flat while my ex lives in a massive house with new family and they are raking it in, playing happy families.

My friend said I should text my ex to say that maintenance needs to go up to include his new wife's salary and say that if he doesn't comply I will go to CMS and get her earnings attached or stop contact until he can provide for his daughter .

I know he will say they have just had a baby but that was his choice and I shouldn't suffer because of that. When we first split we agreed that we wouldn't have more kids so that we can put all of our time and energy into our DD and he's gone and done this so I don't have time for his selfishness or pity party.

The snag is his new wife is very nice to my DD has bought her whatever she needs or wants and always checks with me first before she does things, includes her in everything. Something my ex never did and it used to fuck me off.
Since they are now married and had another child she's clearly not going anywhere I think she has a financial responsibility to pay for DD now she's officially her "step mother".

She clearly does too as she was putting money in DD bank account for my daughter to spend. I have raised this with my ex before and got nowhere. I don't want her to suddenly stop being generous to my daughter but we actually could do with the money to pay for bills food and my daughter doesn't need the money. And it's not fair that they get to spoil my daughter and do lots of holidays trips away with her and I can't and I look like this shit parent.

I'm really struggling with costs going up and they both have helped me with bills in the past but I want something more regular in place so we don't have to scrap by or ask. I think his wife would be sympathetic if I explained it to her but I want to know my rights in case she digs her heels in.

AIBU

OP posts:
Whataninsight · 07/05/2023 16:54

@Tandora

You have posted 63 times on this thread…. Today!

and spent the entire day arguing with online strangers about a family dynamic that you do not have.

Surely there will come a point when you embark on your… 80th long and detailed post on this thread and think… what a waste of a day?

Whataninsight · 07/05/2023 16:56

You are arguing with both RPs, NRPs and Step mothers

everyone. And all with actual experience of this family dynamic

I mean there’s self confidence and then there self blindness

SquidwardBound · 07/05/2023 16:59

I mean there’s self confidence and then there self blindness

and then there’s some version of sealioning…

GrillinMcChillin · 07/05/2023 17:05

What a cheeky twat you are 🤣 get off your arse and work full time if you want more money for your kid.

aSofaNearYou · 07/05/2023 17:11

No , I wouldn’t say that as a general principle.

For example, some husbands and wives don’t live together- I wouldn’t say there’s any need in that context for there to be much contact between SM and SDC.
Or some dads
only see their children at their previous residence or outside. Or some SDC are grown up. Or some parents are forbidden from seeing their children.
Do I think you should try to build a relationship with an SDC who lives with you 50% and treat them on an equal footing to other children in HH, yes.

So if there is no way of having an acceptable relationship with your step children that is less close and involved than the one you have with your own children if they ever live in your house (I'm presuming this stretches to EOW, not just 50%, since your other examples were people that never live with their SC), and as you've stated here, with keeping your finances separate - then yes, you are very judgmental of family structures different to your own.

Newestname002 · 07/05/2023 17:19

funinthesun19 · 07/05/2023 13:57

OP is benefitting from the stepmum’s salary as it is. She is likely subsidising the £500 maintenance payment, which the father would not be able to reasonably afford if it wasn’t for the stepmum’s income.

And yet the OP wants more. It’s just greediness after discovering how much the stepmum earns. The OP thinks there is something in it for her, not acknowledging the fact that she’s getting something already.

Just how much do you expect from her OP, on top of the £320 she’s giving you already? (someone said upthread he should be paying £180 on his salary)

I think OP also send her Ex's new wife has also opened an account for her plus buys her whatever she wants or needs, so another financial benefit that her daughter gets.

OP is about to shoot herself in the foot both now and in the future, when no child maintenance etc is due for her daughter and OP will be forced to work anyway...🌹

Tandora · 07/05/2023 17:48

Whataninsight · 07/05/2023 16:54

@Tandora

You have posted 63 times on this thread…. Today!

and spent the entire day arguing with online strangers about a family dynamic that you do not have.

Surely there will come a point when you embark on your… 80th long and detailed post on this thread and think… what a waste of a day?

You have posted 63 times on this thread…. Today

at least I didn’t waste my time counting how much someone else posted just to be nasty 🤷🏼‍♀️

Whataninsight · 07/05/2023 17:49

As

Tandora · 07/05/2023 17:53

For all of you who think I’m nuts. Say new dad remarries- They decide he stays at home to look after children to avoid costs of childcare. Mum goes to work to pay for household- they are a team. His childcare and domestic labour enable her to go to work and earn money for their new family . Meanwhile, previous children receive no CMS as his personal income is zero.

Mari9999 · 07/05/2023 18:08

@Tandora
Your hypothetical just proves that if you choose to risk reproduction with an irresponsible jerk, your children will then have an irresponsible jerk for a father.

SquidwardBound · 07/05/2023 18:08

Tandora · 07/05/2023 17:53

For all of you who think I’m nuts. Say new dad remarries- They decide he stays at home to look after children to avoid costs of childcare. Mum goes to work to pay for household- they are a team. His childcare and domestic labour enable her to go to work and earn money for their new family . Meanwhile, previous children receive no CMS as his personal income is zero.

What is this latest pseudo-sealioning about?

None of this is at all relevant to this OP wanting her ex’s new partner’s money so she doesn’t have to work.

Yousee · 07/05/2023 18:13

Tandora · 07/05/2023 17:53

For all of you who think I’m nuts. Say new dad remarries- They decide he stays at home to look after children to avoid costs of childcare. Mum goes to work to pay for household- they are a team. His childcare and domestic labour enable her to go to work and earn money for their new family . Meanwhile, previous children receive no CMS as his personal income is zero.

Personally if it's just to screw over his ex I think that's a shitty a thing for a Dad to do but there are so many factors to consider.
Is Dad now available so theres no need for holiday club and after school fees and that's his contribution in lieu of payments? Would Dad continuing to work and the SM staying at home mean that the step childs life at Dads be reduced to beans on toast every night?
I'm not one to subscribe to common belief in MN that only money spent by the mother on a child counts as money spent on the child. If SMs wage is paying for a bedroom and nice lifestyle at Dads then surely thats better than a poorly earning Dad paying poor CMS and providing a poor lifestyle at his own house to boot?
Nothing at all simple about this stuff as you previously said. That's why it's all blunt instruments and always unfair to someone in some way.
Bottom line - only mums and dads are actually morally or legally responsible for their child's upkeep. The rest is just circumstances and individual choices.

Starlitestarbright · 07/05/2023 18:57

£500 on 21k salary is very generous. I get £140 a month. Her salary has nothing to do with you. The fact she treats your dd is amazing. You sound incredibly greedy. Go out get a full time job and support your teenager properly instead of expecting others to do so.

holaschicas · 07/05/2023 19:16

@Tandora
SM and ex’s generally have very little to do with each other. I see DSC mum at pick up for 2 mins, sometimes at school stuff and that is it. I am, however, very involved with DSC when here so they greatly benefit from my income and time when they’re with me.

Honestly, mum has a better lifestyle than us. I’m not asking her for more money because we’re a bit tight this month. Or even asking to pay less CMS because of the COL.

The CMS system did used to take household income into account, wrongly IMO as SP contribute so much anyway. It was changed for a reason, if you don’t like it then write to your MP.

@Tandora
i don’t understand why your frequent the SP board when you have no experience of it. It’s like a dad commenting on how hard child birth was for him - self absorbed and not relevant

Tandora · 07/05/2023 19:31

holaschicas · 07/05/2023 19:16

@Tandora
SM and ex’s generally have very little to do with each other. I see DSC mum at pick up for 2 mins, sometimes at school stuff and that is it. I am, however, very involved with DSC when here so they greatly benefit from my income and time when they’re with me.

Honestly, mum has a better lifestyle than us. I’m not asking her for more money because we’re a bit tight this month. Or even asking to pay less CMS because of the COL.

The CMS system did used to take household income into account, wrongly IMO as SP contribute so much anyway. It was changed for a reason, if you don’t like it then write to your MP.

@Tandora
i don’t understand why your frequent the SP board when you have no experience of it. It’s like a dad commenting on how hard child birth was for him - self absorbed and not relevant

i don’t understand why your frequent the SP board when you have no experience of it. It’s like a dad commenting on how hard child birth was for him - self absorbed and not relevant

a) you have no clue about my experience
b) I actually don’t frequent the step parenting boards, this was originally posted in Aibu which is when I commented, didn’t even realise it had been moved for a while.

Whattodo112222 · 07/05/2023 19:36

Ridiculous

flowergirl2020 · 07/05/2023 19:41

Not got time to read all the replies so apologies to all of my response is repetitive.
OP you are being hugely unreasonable!! What stepmum earns is nothing to do with you of your household at all. You seem to be envious of what she can provide but don't take into account the sacrifices she will have made to develop a career that earns her such a good wage.
You seem to think holding your ex to hostage by using child access will get you want you want since the new wife isn't going anyway.
I strongly advice doing this. I'm a step mum, my husbands ex came after my wage. It's not something you can do actually now however there are loopholes. I have uo teaching due to endometriosis and took a lesser wage working self employed with my husband. That was the loophole his ex tried to take advantage of to have my wages taking into account. Unfortunately she doesn't have to evidence this, we have to evidence she's talking crap and the tribunal system is lengthy and it's taken 3 years... but my point is this: judges take a dim view of parents doing what you've suggested messing with access and making demands. And all of the good will the stepmum has shown your daughter WILL dry up if you take the p* and follow through in this entitled view of wanting her wages. She is not responsible financially for your daughter. She is CHOOSING to take some responsibility by being generous. Be grateful for this as having gone through something similar my good will ran out and I distanced myself to protect my own financial dependence and to prevent my husband being held to ransom.

flowergirl2020 · 07/05/2023 19:44

Flamingogirl08 · 07/05/2023 16:38

I'm a step mother and also have DD.

My DSD benefits hugely from my income. She has her own room, she comes on holidays, we provide clothes, food and lots of other things. I do this happily and willingly. Do I think I should give DSD's mother money to pay her bills and pay for DSD when she is not with me? No. DH pays maintenance for that.

In the situation that the OP is describing. Should the step mum pay money so that the OP doesn't have to work more hours? I mean does that even need an answer?

Exactly - totally agree. It's bare faced cheek really and the reason why for so many stepmums good will runs out particularly when children take on the same values as the parents with these expectations xx

Emotionalmama · 07/05/2023 19:57

Wow this can’t be real is it? Step mums get such a bad rep all the time - you’re not the real mum, you’ll never take the real mums place, as I was told by someone recently on here ‘you’re just the new woman daddy f*s’, respect the mother etc etc.

i am a high earner and make 2.5x my DH salary but maintenance is purely calculated on his income which I believe is more than fair. They get everything they need whilst they’re here but why should my hard earned money go to his ex who is on a low wage?? Especially when she’s tried to break us up, tried to blacken both our names and lie consistently. Madness. Even if she wasn’t like that what you’re saying is totally totally unreasonable.

spottybug · 07/05/2023 20:54

You should be embarrassed frankly. Your daughter is 13, get a different job if you want more money or go to CMS for an assessment on his income. But no, you can not ask their stepmother to pay for them. Come on get some self respect.

holaschicas · 07/05/2023 22:04

@Tandora
youve said you’re not a SP. This is a SP board 🤷🏻‍♀️

Tandora · 07/05/2023 22:49

holaschicas · 07/05/2023 22:04

@Tandora
youve said you’re not a SP. This is a SP board 🤷🏻‍♀️

I haven’t said whether I am or not, and actually this is a stepparenting board. It’s a board for people discussing issues relating to step parenting and blended families.
You don’t have to be a step parent to post here, the OP herself is not- and her thread was moved here by mumsnet.

In any case as I said I don’t frequent this board, I posted on AIBU.

holaschicas · 08/05/2023 07:14

@Tandora
Pretty sure you said on another thread you weren’t.

You don’t have to be a SP but most people would have some involvement in it. Most of the time, anyone not posting as a SP uses it to slag off SP and give less than productive advise.

Whataninsight · 08/05/2023 07:25

@Tandora

you made clear on another thread you weren’t a step parent

so either… a child who has a horrible time at the hands of a step parent
or
someone with very staunch views on a family dynamic she has no experience about. Yet feel blindly confident in arguing with NRPs, RPs and Step parents…. All disagreeing with her.

Tandora · 08/05/2023 07:30

holaschicas · 08/05/2023 07:14

@Tandora
Pretty sure you said on another thread you weren’t.

You don’t have to be a SP but most people would have some involvement in it. Most of the time, anyone not posting as a SP uses it to slag off SP and give less than productive advise.

Pretty sure you said on another thread you weren’t
Well I didn’t. I’m not going to share my personal experience because I don’t wish to justify myself in that way. But suffice to say, you have precisely zero basis and justification for making assumptions about my “involvement” in step parenting.

Furthermore, I think it’s highly important that people with a range of perspectives and experiences of blended families post on step parenting advice threads.