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Step-parenting

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Original poster

CMS and step family

318 replies

tiredofthegrind · 07/05/2023 07:45

I have NC for this post as I don't want my family to see it

I have one DD13 and split up with my ex when she was 3. Relations between me and my ex aren't great but got bit better since he remarried as his new wife and I get on alright with her.

He pays £500 per month and has her every Friday to Monday plus a evening or two for dinner in the week. He's not a high earner about 21k a year so we came to this arrangement privately which is fine as it tops up my benefits but money is tight and I can't up my hours at work (I'm part time) because then I get sanctioned on my benefits and I like having time off for me which as a mum I think is fair.

About 6 months ago my daughter told me that my ex's new wife is on a giant salary £65,000 a year ! My Dd found a work letter lying around addressed to his new wife and yes she shouldn't have snooped but teenagers are like that and it shouldn't have been left out so didn't tell my dd off for it.

It just really fucks me off that I'm stuck in a rented shitty flat while my ex lives in a massive house with new family and they are raking it in, playing happy families.

My friend said I should text my ex to say that maintenance needs to go up to include his new wife's salary and say that if he doesn't comply I will go to CMS and get her earnings attached or stop contact until he can provide for his daughter .

I know he will say they have just had a baby but that was his choice and I shouldn't suffer because of that. When we first split we agreed that we wouldn't have more kids so that we can put all of our time and energy into our DD and he's gone and done this so I don't have time for his selfishness or pity party.

The snag is his new wife is very nice to my DD has bought her whatever she needs or wants and always checks with me first before she does things, includes her in everything. Something my ex never did and it used to fuck me off.
Since they are now married and had another child she's clearly not going anywhere I think she has a financial responsibility to pay for DD now she's officially her "step mother".

She clearly does too as she was putting money in DD bank account for my daughter to spend. I have raised this with my ex before and got nowhere. I don't want her to suddenly stop being generous to my daughter but we actually could do with the money to pay for bills food and my daughter doesn't need the money. And it's not fair that they get to spoil my daughter and do lots of holidays trips away with her and I can't and I look like this shit parent.

I'm really struggling with costs going up and they both have helped me with bills in the past but I want something more regular in place so we don't have to scrap by or ask. I think his wife would be sympathetic if I explained it to her but I want to know my rights in case she digs her heels in.

AIBU

OP posts:
Tandora · 08/05/2023 07:37

Whataninsight · 08/05/2023 07:25

@Tandora

you made clear on another thread you weren’t a step parent

so either… a child who has a horrible time at the hands of a step parent
or
someone with very staunch views on a family dynamic she has no experience about. Yet feel blindly confident in arguing with NRPs, RPs and Step parents…. All disagreeing with her.

Please see response above. You have precisely zero basis and justification for making assumptions about my experience. You are also a bully.

There is nothing wrong with having and expressing a difference of opinion. In fact that’s valuable, particularly when one (very partial) voice/ view is dominating the conversation.
Instead of trying to attack my person- which is the only way you , in particular, have chosen to engage with me - you might either chose engage with the substantive points I have made. alternatively you are free to ignore them.

SquidwardBound · 08/05/2023 07:38

That’s almost a sealion’s manifesto there.

Tandora · 08/05/2023 07:41

SquidwardBound · 08/05/2023 07:38

That’s almost a sealion’s manifesto there.

feel free to take it up with mumsnet

Whataninsight · 08/05/2023 08:36

If you aren’t a Step Parent OR was a step child who had a dire experience of it, then something very peculiar is going on….

160 posts you have made with the word “step child” or “step parent” in it.

Whataninsight · 08/05/2023 08:38

You are also a bully.

please quote post where I bully you

Whataninsight · 08/05/2023 08:40

opinion. In fact that’s valuable, particularly when one (very partial) voice/ view is dominating the conversation.

but you are dominating the conversation. You.

You are arguing with NRPs, RPs and Step parents and Non-step parents. Dozens of them.

Surely there comes a point where… you pause for a minute and think

Tandora · 08/05/2023 08:42

Whataninsight · 08/05/2023 08:38

You are also a bully.

please quote post where I bully you

Every . single . post. In which instead of engaging with my substantive opinion you try to attack me personally in an attempt to discredit and silence me.
Again, above, you’ve taken the time to count how many times I’ve posted and demanded to know my personal history in an attempt to make me look foolish/ discredit me. That is the behaviour of a bully.
I’m not going to share my personal history, so you are free to insinuate / imagine/ project all you like.

SquidwardBound · 08/05/2023 08:48

@Whataninsight google sealioning. Then step back and leave her to her ‘substantive points’ and claims of bullying when people inevitably are frustrated with her.

Whataninsight · 08/05/2023 08:49

counting the posts that someone has made is now “bullying” 🫤

Whataninsight · 08/05/2023 08:51

SquidwardBound · 08/05/2023 08:48

@Whataninsight google sealioning. Then step back and leave her to her ‘substantive points’ and claims of bullying when people inevitably are frustrated with her.

Interesting.

But I don’t think @Tandora is sealioning. I don’t think she’s being nasty or antagonising.

I believe she truly believe this. Truly and profoundly. And that is for likely quite a distressing reason

SquidwardBound · 08/05/2023 08:56

The combination of constantly interrogating everyone else but being extremely coy about her own reasons for holding such strong opinions mean I am
not at all convinced.

She may truly believe it. But the style of engagement is passive aggressively antagonising. Look at how she engages with anyone who challenges her directly, rather than being drawn down her preferred rabbit holes of debate that isn’t actually about what’s in the OP.

Whataninsight · 08/05/2023 08:57

But I think it stems from something genuine. I don’t think she’s a step parent. She’s just had a baby.

I think she was seriously mistreated by a step parent as a child. Seriously.

Whataninsight · 08/05/2023 08:58

I think the posts are genuine and not antagonistic. I think she really believes. It’s not just this thread. It’s multiple threads all about step parenting and it’s the same message over and over.

Tandora · 08/05/2023 09:03

SquidwardBound · 08/05/2023 08:56

The combination of constantly interrogating everyone else but being extremely coy about her own reasons for holding such strong opinions mean I am
not at all convinced.

She may truly believe it. But the style of engagement is passive aggressively antagonising. Look at how she engages with anyone who challenges her directly, rather than being drawn down her preferred rabbit holes of debate that isn’t actually about what’s in the OP.

The combination of constantly interrogating everyone else but being extremely coy about her own reasons for holding such strong opinions

please quote where I have interrogated someone else about their personal history or experience or family?

Look at how she engages with anyone who challenges her directly, rather than being drawn down her preferred rabbit holes of debate

I responded to the OP saying that while I thought that total household income should be taken into account when calculating the CMS, in her case she didn’t really have a leg to stand on and advised her to increase her working hours. People then responded very upset about my opinion that income should be considered at a household level. That was the debate. There were no “rabbit holes” I was seeking to lead anyone down.
you then led us both briefly down a rabbit hole by bringing up a previous post I made about monogamy and suggesting it was relevant context to my opinions. I reflected on that.

GrillinMcChillin · 08/05/2023 09:16

I responded to the OP saying that while I thought that total household income should be taken into account when calculating the CMS

Why would you think it's a third parties responsibility to pay for the child of two other people? Boggles my mind that people actually think that. Entitled is the word that springs to mind, along with cheeky as fuck.

Tandora · 08/05/2023 09:24

GrillinMcChillin · 08/05/2023 09:16

I responded to the OP saying that while I thought that total household income should be taken into account when calculating the CMS

Why would you think it's a third parties responsibility to pay for the child of two other people? Boggles my mind that people actually think that. Entitled is the word that springs to mind, along with cheeky as fuck.

If you read the thread you’ll see the debate. CMS payments used to take total household income into account, although now that has changed. Income is often considered at a household ,rather than individual, level in economic policy.

holaschicas · 08/05/2023 10:26

@Tandora
It changed for a reason. Move with the times. This isn’t 1990

holaschicas · 08/05/2023 10:41

@Tandora
youre right, you can have an opinion but if someone tells you that it often doesn’t work like that, believe them.

I have DT, if a parent of a singleton suggested I do anything twin related differently and wouldn’t take no for an answer, I would be pissed. Same applies.

oneanddon · 08/05/2023 12:31

@Tandora

I don't agree that new partner's salaries should be taken into account, for the reasons everyone has given.

BUT I don't agree that the non resident parent should pay less as they have more children. It is not like this in other countries. Someone shouldn't be able to get out of paying for existing children because they have had more (that they therefore can't afford).

oneanddon · 08/05/2023 12:36

I met and dated my partner knowing he already had children which would therefore limit his time/financial resources for any more. It would not be reasonable to have more children with him if it meant he had to give less to his pre-existing children.

But on the other hand, I would not be happy for my income to automatically go towards them, especially where the custody arrangements are organised by their parents and I have limited say.

(this is all hypothetical as we are 50/50)

whumpthereitis · 08/05/2023 12:55

It’s not about household income, and nor should it be. Children are the responsibility of their two parents. CMS is owed by the NRP, not anyone around them. If the ex was saving money by living in a house share with friends, they also wouldn’t be liable to pay it, even though their presence impacted his living standards.

funinthesun19 · 08/05/2023 13:04

holaschicas · 08/05/2023 10:26

@Tandora
It changed for a reason. Move with the times. This isn’t 1990

Thank god for that!

And in more recent years, they used to take the second children’s Child Tax Credits in to account for maintenance purposes. Do they still do this now? I found that disgustingly unfair.

holaschicas · 08/05/2023 13:28

@funinthesun19
i don’t know what you mean?
interested to know more?

funinthesun19 · 08/05/2023 14:07

When it used to be called the CSA, I’m sure they used to take an NRP’s resident child’s CTC in to account as income when working out how much he needs to pay in maintenance? I can’t find anything on Google to back it up.

holaschicas · 08/05/2023 15:02

@funinthesun19
they still take into account how many children the NRP lives with, I think.

for example, my friends ex started living with his new DP and she had five children so the maintenance was reduced as though he had five new children IYSWIM.

That’s wrong really, you can’t have it both ways…

OP, look at it this way - if you married someone who was on £65k a year, would you tell your ex to reduce his maintenance because your new man was a high earner. I doubt it.