CMS and step family

[tiredofthegrind]

I have NC for this post as I don't want my family to see it

I have one DD13 and split up with my ex when she was 3. Relations between me and my ex aren't great but got bit better since he remarried as his new wife and I get on alright with her.

He pays £500 per month and has her every Friday to Monday plus a evening or two for dinner in the week. He's not a high earner about 21k a year so we came to this arrangement privately which is fine as it tops up my benefits but money is tight and I can't up my hours at work (I'm part time) because then I get sanctioned on my benefits and I like having time off for me which as a mum I think is fair.

About 6 months ago my daughter told me that my ex's new wife is on a giant salary £65,000 a year ! My Dd found a work letter lying around addressed to his new wife and yes she shouldn't have snooped but teenagers are like that and it shouldn't have been left out so didn't tell my dd off for it.

It just really fucks me off that I'm stuck in a rented shitty flat while my ex lives in a massive house with new family and they are raking it in, playing happy families.

My friend said I should text my ex to say that maintenance needs to go up to include his new wife's salary and say that if he doesn't comply I will go to CMS and get her earnings attached or stop contact until he can provide for his daughter .

I know he will say they have just had a baby but that was his choice and I shouldn't suffer because of that. When we first split we agreed that we wouldn't have more kids so that we can put all of our time and energy into our DD and he's gone and done this so I don't have time for his selfishness or pity party.

The snag is his new wife is very nice to my DD has bought her whatever she needs or wants and always checks with me first before she does things, includes her in everything. Something my ex never did and it used to fuck me off.
Since they are now married and had another child she's clearly not going anywhere I think she has a financial responsibility to pay for DD now she's officially her "step mother".

She clearly does too as she was putting money in DD bank account for my daughter to spend. I have raised this with my ex before and got nowhere. I don't want her to suddenly stop being generous to my daughter but we actually could do with the money to pay for bills food and my daughter doesn't need the money. And it's not fair that they get to spoil my daughter and do lots of holidays trips away with her and I can't and I look like this shit parent.

I'm really struggling with costs going up and they both have helped me with bills in the past but I want something more regular in place so we don't have to scrap by or ask. I think his wife would be sympathetic if I explained it to her but I want to know my rights in case she digs her heels in.

AIBU

Why is the wife then made financially responsible for the children in your mind?

talk about double standards. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Is it about the ability to provide or is it actually ‘as a minimum men must contribute X proportion of their income as CM; but if there’s a woman to pay for things instead, she must subsidise him so he pays more CM’.

I’m starting to think some of you aren’t understanding the basic economics or pooling resources.

Oh well never mind eh

I’m starting to think some of you aren’t understanding the basic economics or pooling resources.

Enlighten us then. If they pool resources and her money adds to his, his maintenance should go up. So if they pool resources and she only costs him money, why wouldn't his maintenance go down.

I’m starting to think you aren’t able to comprehend that parents are responsible for their children.

The qualifier step makes a huge difference. It designates someone who is not a child’s parent.

Enlighten us then

Pooling resources is cheaper for everyone. It’s not a simple equation of “adding their money up” it’s about the fact that his expenses reduce and everyone is wealthier.

Researchers at the Ohio State University's Center for Human Resource Research found that married people had 93% higher wealth per person than singles – more than just simply adding up the wealth of two.
https://ifstudies.org/blog/two-is-wealthier-than-one-marital-status-and-wealth-outcomes-among-preretirement-adults-

@Tandora That doesn't answer the question. In this equation, she doesn't have any resources. His expenses increase, everybody has less money. What then?

Parents are responsible for contributing financially to their children; and wealthier parents should contribute more.

im not sure why I get into debates with people like you. I hear you - upkeep of children is a “debt” produced by “previous lifestyle choices”, parenting is a “lifestyle choice”, step parents are not parents. Etc etc. my values could not be more diff to yours.

Not if only one of you is contributing the resources. And a proportion of those resources are already diverted to another household.

An income if £21k a year, with £6k of that already allocated to another household is not going to go far. The benefits entitlement for the household doesn’t take the children from the previous relationship into account - nor the maintenance liability. That’s true even where it’s just the CMS rate.

If the new partner earns her own money, she contributes to the household. While they are in the care of that household, the children are likely to benefit from her having contributed financially. They get better housing, more food and so on.

Why should that woman’s income be used to enable the man to contribute even less to the household? He already does not contribute his full income, because of his maintenance obligations.

Especially when you don’t think his should reduce his maintenance liabilities if his is the only income in the household.

I hear what you are asking. Since we no longer live in a world where women are financially dependent on men , no, I don’t think paying expenses for a new wife should be considered as a legitimate expenditure that should be deducted from the CMS , just like lots of other types of expenditure aren’t legitimately deducted.
if a man spent a lot of money in the pub I wouldn’t think it should be deducted as legitimate expenditure. If he earned money working in the pub I would think it should be included in the calculation of his available income.

Don’t dress up your inconsistent thinking as ‘values’. And pretend you have superior morals.

Parenthood is a lifestyle choice. Being emotive doesn’t change that. It’s something adults choose, which impacts on their lifestyle and brings a whole set of responsibilities. Admitting that isn’t callous. It’s just how it is. I adore my children. But becoming a parent was a lifestyle choice on my part.

Step parents aren’t parents (to their SC). People like you want them to pay and do all the work, but they’re not getting to make the choices are they?

My values are not to make women responsible for men’s obligations. Women aren’t piggy banks, free childcare and domestic slaves for men. Even if they marry them.

I haven’t read the entire thread, only the OP.

So your EX has your daughter Mon - Fri every week and pays you £500 pcm in a salary of £21k. On that salary with the child staying 2 nights a week - the CMS calculator says he should be paying a minimum of £180 per month.

Yet you expect another women to pay for you while you sit in your arse working PT claiming benefits. With the usual story - of I can’t be arsed working more hours as my benefits (that the hard working tax payer pays for) will be cut.

No - his new wife doesn’t have to fund you. Why do you think a women who works hard should pay for you?

Get off your arse & up your hours. Have some self respect - the only person responsible for funding you is you.

Don’t dress up your inconsistent thinking as ‘values’. And pretend you have superior morals

I do think this is a question of values . You adhere to a particular brand of individualism that I despise . Does that make me morally superior? These things are subjective of course.

Parenthood is a lifestyle choice
I disagree with this entirely. Parenthood is essential feature of human societies , I’m not sure it’s even meaningful to call it a “choice”.

Step parents aren’t parents
well it entirely depends doesn’t it.

My values are not to make women responsible for men’s obligations. Women aren’t piggy banks, free childcare and domestic slaves for men. Even if they marry them

Oh I totally agree. I don’t think women should be left picking up the pieces - financial, logistical , practical, emotional when men leave and remarry. That’s why men should pay for their children in proportion to what they can afford. When people re-partner, income and wealth is usually calculated at a household level for very good reasons, and I think that is probably right (although it can’t take into account lots of individual variation).

Oh I totally agree. I don’t think women should be left picking up the pieces - financial, logistical , practical, emotional when men leave and remarry. That’s why men should pay for their children in proportion to what they can afford. When people re-partner, income and wealth is usually calculated at a household level for very good reasons, and I think that is probably right (although it can’t take into account lots of individual variation).

Except, you want to calculate what HE can afford based off a new partner’s contributions. If she earns money, if she has property, then you want to decide that he should pay his ex more.

His responsibility remains the same. But you transfer the financial responsibility on to a new wife. And pretend that’s all lovely and feminist.

I hear what you are asking. Since we no longer live in a world where women are financially dependent on men , no, I don’t think paying expenses for a new wife should be considered as a legitimate expenditure that should be deducted from the CMS , just like lots of other types of expenditure aren’t legitimately deducted.
if a man spent a lot of money in the pub I wouldn’t think it should be deducted as legitimate expenditure. If he earned money working in the pub I would think it should be included in the calculation of his available income.

But you think her money should be considered his, even though his shouldn't be considered hers because we no longer live in a world where women are dependent on men?

Smacks of only considering them one entity when it benefits you.

I think we are going around in circles here. And there are two women in this equation and multiple children. All of their finances are mutually implicated. It’s the latter point that you seem to be struggling with / resisting, but it is a material reality.

But you think her money should be considered his, even though his shouldn't be considered hers

it is considered hers. That’s why if they divorce or he dies it goes
to her. I absolutely agree with this. Do I think CMS payments should be reduced because she doesn’t want to work ? No. If she were a dependent for whatever reason then perhaps that would be different. Haven’t thought it all through..

If you son was living with you and your husband then yes his income is taken into account but you ex huband's won't be.

OP you need to think about what will happen when your DD is 18. Your benefits will reduce and you won't have his £500 a month and you will lose child benefit. You should be thinking about getting a fulltime job and getting into a position where you can manage without all that when she leaves school.

Ex DP is likely to already be subsidising ex due to the high level of maintenance ex is paying in comparison to his income.

He already does a decent amount of parenting and has the children almost 50/50. If you went via CMS you would find you actually have it very good in this situation.

OP is benefitting from the stepmum’s salary as it is. She is likely subsidising the £500 maintenance payment, which the father would not be able to reasonably afford if it wasn’t for the stepmum’s income.

And yet the OP wants more. It’s just greediness after discovering how much the stepmum earns. The OP thinks there is something in it for her, not acknowledging the fact that she’s getting something already.

Just how much do you expect from her OP, on top of the £320 she’s giving you already? (someone said upthread he should be paying £180 on his salary)

Wow, OP. You should really quit while you're ahead.

Oh and if their relationship breaks down, you’ll only get maintenance based on his salary alone, plus it would be split between 2 children instead of just being for 1. So you’d get even less.

So I wouldn’t rock the boat if you want them to stick together. Don’t be one of those exes who drives the SM away. You have too much to lose if they split up, don’t you?

@Tandora I just don't see how you can possibly defend the position that his available money should be considered to go up if he's in a partnership with someone that brings money to the table, but shouldn't go down if he's in a partnership with somebody who is purely costing him money.

It's just sheer hypocrisy. Either your partner and the money they bring to the table makes a difference, or it doesn't.

You would be less U to ask your boss for a pay rise rather than a random woman, which is what she is to you really.

You need to be more appreciative that your ex pays way over what he owes according to CMS and that his DW is a lovely SM to DD.

Stop expecting other people to fix your problems. You sound entitled.