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Step-parenting

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Original poster

CMS and step family

318 replies

tiredofthegrind · 07/05/2023 07:45

I have NC for this post as I don't want my family to see it

I have one DD13 and split up with my ex when she was 3. Relations between me and my ex aren't great but got bit better since he remarried as his new wife and I get on alright with her.

He pays £500 per month and has her every Friday to Monday plus a evening or two for dinner in the week. He's not a high earner about 21k a year so we came to this arrangement privately which is fine as it tops up my benefits but money is tight and I can't up my hours at work (I'm part time) because then I get sanctioned on my benefits and I like having time off for me which as a mum I think is fair.

About 6 months ago my daughter told me that my ex's new wife is on a giant salary £65,000 a year ! My Dd found a work letter lying around addressed to his new wife and yes she shouldn't have snooped but teenagers are like that and it shouldn't have been left out so didn't tell my dd off for it.

It just really fucks me off that I'm stuck in a rented shitty flat while my ex lives in a massive house with new family and they are raking it in, playing happy families.

My friend said I should text my ex to say that maintenance needs to go up to include his new wife's salary and say that if he doesn't comply I will go to CMS and get her earnings attached or stop contact until he can provide for his daughter .

I know he will say they have just had a baby but that was his choice and I shouldn't suffer because of that. When we first split we agreed that we wouldn't have more kids so that we can put all of our time and energy into our DD and he's gone and done this so I don't have time for his selfishness or pity party.

The snag is his new wife is very nice to my DD has bought her whatever she needs or wants and always checks with me first before she does things, includes her in everything. Something my ex never did and it used to fuck me off.
Since they are now married and had another child she's clearly not going anywhere I think she has a financial responsibility to pay for DD now she's officially her "step mother".

She clearly does too as she was putting money in DD bank account for my daughter to spend. I have raised this with my ex before and got nowhere. I don't want her to suddenly stop being generous to my daughter but we actually could do with the money to pay for bills food and my daughter doesn't need the money. And it's not fair that they get to spoil my daughter and do lots of holidays trips away with her and I can't and I look like this shit parent.

I'm really struggling with costs going up and they both have helped me with bills in the past but I want something more regular in place so we don't have to scrap by or ask. I think his wife would be sympathetic if I explained it to her but I want to know my rights in case she digs her heels in.

AIBU

OP posts:
Tandora · 07/05/2023 15:47

Whataninsight · 07/05/2023 15:45

Not bullying

providing context to your views on this thread

but it would be interesting to know whether you had a ghastly childhood at the hands of a step parent?

What context? That I’m a crazy person? Is that what you mean?

Tandora · 07/05/2023 15:48

Whataninsight · 07/05/2023 15:46

It’s not impact on you

it’s for posters to have the context in which you write your posts

To deminstrate to everyone I’m a crazy person? Is that your goal ?

funinthesun19 · 07/05/2023 15:52

Tandora · 07/05/2023 14:59

She is…she’s someone she knows’ wife. Someone she barely knows and she’s asking for money from her
😆😆
replace “someone she knows” with “father of her child” , add “step mum to her child” and you will have a more informative description 👍🏻

Show quote history

It doesn’t matter who is who. It still doesn’t mean the OP and the stepmum have any independent relationship with each other. They know of each other’s existence but that’s where it ends - they have nothing to do with each other.

Whataninsight · 07/05/2023 15:53

Tandora · 07/05/2023 15:48

To deminstrate to everyone I’m a crazy person? Is that your goal ?

Show quote history

Do you think you’re a crazy person?

I don’t

what I do think is that you have a very very unusual relationship whereby the man you have just had a baby with has said he wouldn’t “care” if you had a one night stand and not would you.

So you obviously come at the issue with a fundamentally different stance on family as the overwhelming majority of us

Tandora · 07/05/2023 15:54

funinthesun19 · 07/05/2023 15:52

It doesn’t matter who is who. It still doesn’t mean the OP and the stepmum have any independent relationship with each other. They know of each other’s existence but that’s where it ends - they have nothing to do with each other.

Show quote history

they have nothing to do with each other they share a baby daddy (excuse the expression) in common and have co-implicated finances/ relationships/ schedules. I wholeheartedly disagree they have nothing to do with one another

Tandora · 07/05/2023 15:57

Yousee · 07/05/2023 15:43

Yes but you are saying our joint money should be funding this.
My argument is that I jointly fund DSD in this house, DH and his ex jointly fund DSD in her house. You seem to think additional funds should be taken out of our joint money to go to his exs household.
DH spends significantly more on DSD than he does on our children because she has "running costs" in two homes. I'm ok with this as I'm a pragmatist at heart.
Equality would mean a hefty drop down to CMS minimum and even then it still wouldn't come close. Would that be ok according to your rules?

Show quote history

DSD in this house, DH and his ex jointly fund DSD in her house

But if you are sharing residence of DSD then CMS should be zero or negligible anyway?
Tbh I do think the whole CMS system is totally crap and needs a radical rethink. I’m sure I don’t have all the answers.

aSofaNearYou · 07/05/2023 15:58

they share a baby daddy (excuse the expression) in common and have co-implicated finances/ relationships/ schedules. I wholeheartedly disagree they have nothing to do with one another

Tandora you are not even a step parent. You have zero idea how much other step parents have to do with their partner's ex. This is not a situation for which there are legal specifications - people choose how they conduct this relationship for themselves.

Tandora · 07/05/2023 15:58

Whataninsight · 07/05/2023 15:53

Do you think you’re a crazy person?

I don’t

what I do think is that you have a very very unusual relationship whereby the man you have just had a baby with has said he wouldn’t “care” if you had a one night stand and not would you.

So you obviously come at the issue with a fundamentally different stance on family as the overwhelming majority of us

Show quote history

So you obviously come at the issue with a fundamentally different stance on family as the overwhelming majority of us

that’s possibly v fair

Tandora · 07/05/2023 16:01

aSofaNearYou · 07/05/2023 15:58

they share a baby daddy (excuse the expression) in common and have co-implicated finances/ relationships/ schedules. I wholeheartedly disagree they have nothing to do with one another

Tandora you are not even a step parent. You have zero idea how much other step parents have to do with their partner's ex. This is not a situation for which there are legal specifications - people choose how they conduct this relationship for themselves.

You have zero idea how much other step parents have to do with their partner's ex

my statement wasn’t based on a need to know this. Regardless of the level of contact these things are coimplicated, especially when living together / married!

(fwiw I’ve not specified what my family constitution is).

funinthesun19 · 07/05/2023 16:09

Tandora · 07/05/2023 15:54

they have nothing to do with each other they share a baby daddy (excuse the expression) in common and have co-implicated finances/ relationships/ schedules. I wholeheartedly disagree they have nothing to do with one another

Show quote history

Nothing to do with each other on a personal level. So have no relationship with each other is what I mean. Sharing a baby daddy doesn’t make them friends or acquaintances or even co parents. They’re still just two different women who know of each other but don’t know each other.

Obviously there are exceptions to this and I know that. But with OP’s attitude, I can’t imagine the stepmum really enjoys communicating with her to be honest. And I doubt she wants to share her finances with her, and the OP will be seen as nothing but a pest if she comes asking her for money.

aSofaNearYou · 07/05/2023 16:11

@Tandora You said you whole heartedly disagree that they have nothing to do with each other. You cannot do that on behalf of somebody else.

And I'm pretty sure you've explained your family situation on other threads.

Tandora · 07/05/2023 16:12

Tandora · 07/05/2023 15:58

So you obviously come at the issue with a fundamentally different stance on family as the overwhelming majority of us

that’s possibly v fair

Show quote history

I definitely have a much less “nuclear” concept of family than the average person , so this is in no doubt informing some of the gap. I feel like when people re-partner they just want to imagine they have the ideal / typical nuclear family set-up.
rather than embracing the blended (poly?) constitution of their family in practice, They vehemently appose themselves to ex partners and SDC , and pretend they have nothing to do with them (eg “random woman” who “knows someone I know”) because ex partners / SDC threaten their concept of the nuclear “ideal”.
So, yes, on reflection I see how that previous thread may have some relevance here.

Tandora · 07/05/2023 16:13

funinthesun19 · 07/05/2023 16:09

Nothing to do with each other on a personal level. So have no relationship with each other is what I mean. Sharing a baby daddy doesn’t make them friends or acquaintances or even co parents. They’re still just two different women who know of each other but don’t know each other.

Obviously there are exceptions to this and I know that. But with OP’s attitude, I can’t imagine the stepmum really enjoys communicating with her to be honest. And I doubt she wants to share her finances with her, and the OP will be seen as nothing but a pest if she comes asking her for money.

Show quote history

Just because they don’t talk to each other doesn’t mean they have nothing to do with each other though. That’s my point

Tandora · 07/05/2023 16:14

aSofaNearYou · 07/05/2023 16:11

@Tandora You said you whole heartedly disagree that they have nothing to do with each other. You cannot do that on behalf of somebody else.

And I'm pretty sure you've explained your family situation on other threads.

Once again you are misunderstanding , regardless of the level of communication or their own “perceptions” of one another they are tied together by nature of relationships , finances and usually logistics if there is any contact between NRP and SC

aSofaNearYou · 07/05/2023 16:20

I definitely have a much less “nuclear” concept of family than the average person , so this is in no doubt informing some of the gap. I feel like when people re-partner they just want to imagine they have the ideal / typical nuclear family set-up.
rather than embracing the blended (poly?) constitution of their family in practice, They vehemently appose themselves to ex partners and SDC , and pretend they have nothing to do with them (eg “random woman” who “knows someone I know”) because ex partners / SDC threaten their concept of the nuclear “ideal”.
So, yes, on reflection I see how that previous thread may have some relevance here.

There is absolutely nothing poly about my relationship Thankyou very much.

Reading this I can see how this is an example of how one person might conduct their blended family successfully. But just as many other people run theirs with absolutely zero interaction between step parent and DSC's mother, and certainly no financial entanglement. They don't have to embrace a "poly" family. They don't want one and are able to make things work without one. Your problem is you absolutely refuse to accept those other people's way of doing it is acceptable or possible.

SquidwardBound · 07/05/2023 16:20

There is no financial relationship between an ex W and a current wife. None at all. The (ex) husband has financial relationships with them both. But that doesn’t mean the two women have anything to do with each other.

Why on earth are you so determined to insist there must be?

Does the OP have a relationship with her husband’s employer? After all, there’s a schedule that affects his availability. And there’s money involved.

Your husband’s ex is just that, unless the two women want to have a relationship.

SquidwardBound · 07/05/2023 16:25

Indeed. This is not polyamory. Although that explains much about your failure to comprehend anything anyone is saying.

These are not nuclear expectations (if it were no one would be trying to fit in contact schedules or talking about maintenance). But that doesn’t mean they’re all in a relationship.

Tandora · 07/05/2023 16:26

aSofaNearYou · 07/05/2023 16:20

I definitely have a much less “nuclear” concept of family than the average person , so this is in no doubt informing some of the gap. I feel like when people re-partner they just want to imagine they have the ideal / typical nuclear family set-up.
rather than embracing the blended (poly?) constitution of their family in practice, They vehemently appose themselves to ex partners and SDC , and pretend they have nothing to do with them (eg “random woman” who “knows someone I know”) because ex partners / SDC threaten their concept of the nuclear “ideal”.
So, yes, on reflection I see how that previous thread may have some relevance here.

There is absolutely nothing poly about my relationship Thankyou very much.

Reading this I can see how this is an example of how one person might conduct their blended family successfully. But just as many other people run theirs with absolutely zero interaction between step parent and DSC's mother, and certainly no financial entanglement. They don't have to embrace a "poly" family. They don't want one and are able to make things work without one. Your problem is you absolutely refuse to accept those other people's way of doing it is acceptable or possible.

There is absolutely nothing poly about my relationship Thankyou very much

lol Q.E.D 😆

I know you think I’m a highly judgemental person, and I think there’s only one way to organise a family. That couldn’t be further from the truth. I know there are all kinds of families and would be the first to support them, blended, lgbt, gamete donation enabled, nuclear, blended, monogamous, poly.
But I do think there need to be some “do no harm” principles: equality between men and women, priority of children’s welfare/ wellbeing, equal value and worth of all children.
I do not think it’s ok , therefore, to shit all over SDC in the name of “my family is different”,

Tandora · 07/05/2023 16:28

SquidwardBound · 07/05/2023 16:20

There is no financial relationship between an ex W and a current wife. None at all. The (ex) husband has financial relationships with them both. But that doesn’t mean the two women have anything to do with each other.

Why on earth are you so determined to insist there must be?

Does the OP have a relationship with her husband’s employer? After all, there’s a schedule that affects his availability. And there’s money involved.

Your husband’s ex is just that, unless the two women want to have a relationship.

There is no financial relationship between an ex W and a current wife. None at all

???!!!!!!
Arent you one of the posters who pointed out several times that the more a man pays to his ex the less he has available for his current wife?.

aSofaNearYou · 07/05/2023 16:30

@Tandora but you characterise step parents having minimal involvement with their DSC, whether financial or otherwise, as harmful and unacceptable. This is judgmental of a common way people run their families that is different to yours.

SquidwardBound · 07/05/2023 16:34

Tandora · 07/05/2023 16:28

There is no financial relationship between an ex W and a current wife. None at all

???!!!!!!
Arent you one of the posters who pointed out several times that the more a man pays to his ex the less he has available for his current wife?.

Show quote history

That’s not a relationship between the women. are you a bit hard of thinking as well as smugly moralising?

she has a relationship with a man whose financial commitments mean he contributes far less to the household than his actual salary. That’s a given with an NRP. So she may well already have accepted that her financial relationship with him is one where she has to contribute disproportionately as a result.

he has a financial relationship to his ex. That doesn’t mean the women have anything to do with each other.

I shopped in Sainsbury’s today. So did the person behind me in the queue. We both have a customer relationship with Sainsbury’s. That doesn’t mean we have a relationship.

Tandora · 07/05/2023 16:37

aSofaNearYou · 07/05/2023 16:30

@Tandora but you characterise step parents having minimal involvement with their DSC, whether financial or otherwise, as harmful and unacceptable. This is judgmental of a common way people run their families that is different to yours.

but you characterise step parents having minimal involvement with their DSC, whether financial or otherwise

No , I wouldn’t say that as a general principle.

For example, some husbands and wives don’t live together- I wouldn’t say there’s any need in that context for there to be much contact between SM and SDC.
Or some dads
only see their children at their previous residence or outside. Or some SDC are grown up. Or some parents are forbidden from seeing their children.
Do I think you should try to build a relationship with an SDC who lives with you 50% and treat them on an equal footing to other children in HH, yes.

Flamingogirl08 · 07/05/2023 16:38

I'm a step mother and also have DD.

My DSD benefits hugely from my income. She has her own room, she comes on holidays, we provide clothes, food and lots of other things. I do this happily and willingly. Do I think I should give DSD's mother money to pay her bills and pay for DSD when she is not with me? No. DH pays maintenance for that.

In the situation that the OP is describing. Should the step mum pay money so that the OP doesn't have to work more hours? I mean does that even need an answer?

Tandora · 07/05/2023 16:39

SquidwardBound · 07/05/2023 16:34

That’s not a relationship between the women. are you a bit hard of thinking as well as smugly moralising?

she has a relationship with a man whose financial commitments mean he contributes far less to the household than his actual salary. That’s a given with an NRP. So she may well already have accepted that her financial relationship with him is one where she has to contribute disproportionately as a result.

he has a financial relationship to his ex. That doesn’t mean the women have anything to do with each other.

I shopped in Sainsbury’s today. So did the person behind me in the queue. We both have a customer relationship with Sainsbury’s. That doesn’t mean we have a relationship.

Show quote history

I said their finances are co-implicated , which they are according to your own adamant assertions. The person behind me at sainsburies, not so much, at least beyond the fact that we are both a part of a broader economy .

are you a bit hard of thinking as well as smugly moralising

ahhh bringing out the personal insults. Clever and classy,

Tandora · 07/05/2023 16:41

Flamingogirl08 · 07/05/2023 16:38

I'm a step mother and also have DD.

My DSD benefits hugely from my income. She has her own room, she comes on holidays, we provide clothes, food and lots of other things. I do this happily and willingly. Do I think I should give DSD's mother money to pay her bills and pay for DSD when she is not with me? No. DH pays maintenance for that.

In the situation that the OP is describing. Should the step mum pay money so that the OP doesn't have to work more hours? I mean does that even need an answer?

Should the step mum pay money so that the OP doesn't have to work more hours
no. Perhaps it’s time to bring it back to the OP (although she has understandably scarpered).
OP does need to work more hours, and she’s already getting more maintenance that she would from the CMS even if they did combine incomes to calculate.