Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

CMS and step family

318 replies

tiredofthegrind · 07/05/2023 07:45

I have NC for this post as I don't want my family to see it

I have one DD13 and split up with my ex when she was 3. Relations between me and my ex aren't great but got bit better since he remarried as his new wife and I get on alright with her.

He pays £500 per month and has her every Friday to Monday plus a evening or two for dinner in the week. He's not a high earner about 21k a year so we came to this arrangement privately which is fine as it tops up my benefits but money is tight and I can't up my hours at work (I'm part time) because then I get sanctioned on my benefits and I like having time off for me which as a mum I think is fair.

About 6 months ago my daughter told me that my ex's new wife is on a giant salary £65,000 a year ! My Dd found a work letter lying around addressed to his new wife and yes she shouldn't have snooped but teenagers are like that and it shouldn't have been left out so didn't tell my dd off for it.

It just really fucks me off that I'm stuck in a rented shitty flat while my ex lives in a massive house with new family and they are raking it in, playing happy families.

My friend said I should text my ex to say that maintenance needs to go up to include his new wife's salary and say that if he doesn't comply I will go to CMS and get her earnings attached or stop contact until he can provide for his daughter .

I know he will say they have just had a baby but that was his choice and I shouldn't suffer because of that. When we first split we agreed that we wouldn't have more kids so that we can put all of our time and energy into our DD and he's gone and done this so I don't have time for his selfishness or pity party.

The snag is his new wife is very nice to my DD has bought her whatever she needs or wants and always checks with me first before she does things, includes her in everything. Something my ex never did and it used to fuck me off.
Since they are now married and had another child she's clearly not going anywhere I think she has a financial responsibility to pay for DD now she's officially her "step mother".

She clearly does too as she was putting money in DD bank account for my daughter to spend. I have raised this with my ex before and got nowhere. I don't want her to suddenly stop being generous to my daughter but we actually could do with the money to pay for bills food and my daughter doesn't need the money. And it's not fair that they get to spoil my daughter and do lots of holidays trips away with her and I can't and I look like this shit parent.

I'm really struggling with costs going up and they both have helped me with bills in the past but I want something more regular in place so we don't have to scrap by or ask. I think his wife would be sympathetic if I explained it to her but I want to know my rights in case she digs her heels in.

AIBU

OP posts:
tikkanaan · 08/05/2023 15:16

Earn your own money instead of trying to scrounge of someone who isn't your child's parent

SquidwardBound · 08/05/2023 17:16

They used to reduce income support payments by the CSA payment you got. Your ex would pay it to the Secretary of State and you’d get no benefit whatsoever.

roseheartfly · 08/05/2023 17:17

Her salary is nothing to do with you. She is not required to spend money on your children, anything she does it really kind of her but not mandatory. It's really embarrassing that it's even crossed your mind.

Please get some pride.

In terms of what your ex contributes based on his salary and how much he has them, if it went through CMS you'd get far less.

SquidwardBound · 08/05/2023 17:36

Back when my mum was a single parent, the newly founded CSA used to take her income into account when deciding how much maintenance was required. Because she has a job, my dad had his payments reduced - even though he earned twice what she did. And he didn’t pay anyway.

19lottie82 · 08/05/2023 20:49

I would suggest that his wife is already helping with his maintenance. If he was single and earning £21k there’s no way he could afford to support himself and pay you £500 a month!

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/05/2023 22:15

If ever there was a time I wanted a thread to be picked up by the tabloids so the people the OP is talking about know how fucking unreasonable she is it’s now.

And as for how she’ll manage her finances in a few years when her ex’s wife no longer bank rolls her lifestyle choice to work pt “cos she’s a mum”, I imagine she’ll be raiding her daughter’s bank account, the one the SM is contributing to.

TuesandThursNero · 09/05/2023 14:31

Did @Tandora finally give up?!

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/05/2023 17:19

tiredofthegrind · 07/05/2023 08:41

I also asked because as my daughter wants to go to uni but by friend the wife's income would been taken into account when applying for funding and she would get less and that seems unfair given the circumstances.

I assume then this is also untrue ?

If you have a partner, then as the resident household income their income would be taken into account.

her father’s income, and that of his partner, won’t be as she doesn’t live with them.

Moredrama · 09/05/2023 20:22

Entitled much?! Believing your DD’s stepmum’s salary should be taken into account just so you don’t have to pull your weight as a parent. Have a bit of pride FFS!
She got off her backside and worked hard to
earn that salary, while you chose to work part time because you believe you deserve a break from a teenager who is in school full time.

That poor woman treats your daughter well and clearly already financially supports her, openly and via support of her DH who could not pay you anywhere near £500 a month on his salary alone. And she’s just had a baby of her own who you are quite willing to see have less just so you don’t have to work a few more hours!
I suggest you go find a full time job so you have the money you want, and spend a little less time sat around trying to work out what you can get off everyone else.

MavisBeacon1234 · 09/05/2023 21:44

Honestly I despair at the money grabbing of some people

RedRosette2023 · 09/05/2023 22:04

Oysterbabe · 07/05/2023 07:50

I mean this is clearly made up, but you are of course being unreasonable.

I thought that or a reverse.

Myusername10 · 09/05/2023 23:34

This might be outing but oh well.

I'm sorry OP but you're being unreasonable. If you want more money then it's time to get back to work full time.

My DP's ex is like this. Her and my DP share the kids 50/50 and they are all teenagers now. She refuses to work full time stating she needs to be at home for the children so she is currently in a job where she works 16 hours a week. She can absolutely work full time, but chooses not to.

I earn a fairly good salary and she hit the roof when me and DP moved in together. I remember my DP getting text messages stating that myself and him should be paying for absolutely everything for the children as there are two incomes in our household and only one in hers. She wanted us to pay for everything for the children whilst they were with her. Funnily enough she always has plenty of money for her extravagant social life..

My DP would get regular texts from her moaning about the cost of having children and how it was unfair that myself and DP both had good salaries. My DP gently mentioned to her about upping her hours at work and he would happily help with childcare if needs be, but she hit the roof and sent a barrage of abuse back that she will never return to full time work.

My DP's ex has had plenty of opportunities to work full time (her company even offered her a full time well paid position and she turned it down!) but in her case she is just incredibly lazy. When she saw me come into the picture she had pound signs in her eyes - their youngest came home once and told me "mum wants to know how much money you have in the bank"!!!

BibbleandSqwauk · 10/05/2023 12:51

I would hate this thread to hit the tabloids as it would shore up the stereotype of lazy single mums not working much and expecting an unreasonable amount from an NRP. It's a shame they never pick up the frequent, lengthy and mostly pretty articulate posts about non payment of CMS and the criminal negligence of the agency in not chasing it.

holaschicas · 10/05/2023 12:58

@BibbleandSqwauk
Maybe they could pick up both 🤷🏻‍♀️

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 10/05/2023 13:25

It's a shame they never pick up the frequent, lengthy and mostly pretty articulate posts about non payment of CMS and the criminal negligence of the agency in not chasing it.

Its almost as if the poor quality of CMS is politically sanctioned/acceptable as well as socially so…

BibbleandSqwauk · 10/05/2023 13:49

@holaschicas well given the hundreds of millions in unpaid maintenance I'm going to say that would be a bigger problem...and lazy single mums has been covered quite a few times wouldn't you say? The two problems are hardly equivalent.

aSofaNearYou · 10/05/2023 14:25

BibbleandSqwauk · 10/05/2023 13:49

@holaschicas well given the hundreds of millions in unpaid maintenance I'm going to say that would be a bigger problem...and lazy single mums has been covered quite a few times wouldn't you say? The two problems are hardly equivalent.

Mum's that behave in unreasonable ways towards their ex and/or the stepmum are rarely discussed and step parents are heavily demonised. Both subjects are worthy of discussion.

RedRosette2023 · 10/05/2023 14:41

BibbleandSqwauk · 10/05/2023 13:49

@holaschicas well given the hundreds of millions in unpaid maintenance I'm going to say that would be a bigger problem...and lazy single mums has been covered quite a few times wouldn't you say? The two problems are hardly equivalent.

They also miscalculate maintenance, fabricate income and ignore correspondence. They are not fit for purpose for either the paying parent or the receiving parent.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page