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Step-parenting

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Original poster

CMS and step family

318 replies

tiredofthegrind · 07/05/2023 07:45

I have NC for this post as I don't want my family to see it

I have one DD13 and split up with my ex when she was 3. Relations between me and my ex aren't great but got bit better since he remarried as his new wife and I get on alright with her.

He pays £500 per month and has her every Friday to Monday plus a evening or two for dinner in the week. He's not a high earner about 21k a year so we came to this arrangement privately which is fine as it tops up my benefits but money is tight and I can't up my hours at work (I'm part time) because then I get sanctioned on my benefits and I like having time off for me which as a mum I think is fair.

About 6 months ago my daughter told me that my ex's new wife is on a giant salary £65,000 a year ! My Dd found a work letter lying around addressed to his new wife and yes she shouldn't have snooped but teenagers are like that and it shouldn't have been left out so didn't tell my dd off for it.

It just really fucks me off that I'm stuck in a rented shitty flat while my ex lives in a massive house with new family and they are raking it in, playing happy families.

My friend said I should text my ex to say that maintenance needs to go up to include his new wife's salary and say that if he doesn't comply I will go to CMS and get her earnings attached or stop contact until he can provide for his daughter .

I know he will say they have just had a baby but that was his choice and I shouldn't suffer because of that. When we first split we agreed that we wouldn't have more kids so that we can put all of our time and energy into our DD and he's gone and done this so I don't have time for his selfishness or pity party.

The snag is his new wife is very nice to my DD has bought her whatever she needs or wants and always checks with me first before she does things, includes her in everything. Something my ex never did and it used to fuck me off.
Since they are now married and had another child she's clearly not going anywhere I think she has a financial responsibility to pay for DD now she's officially her "step mother".

She clearly does too as she was putting money in DD bank account for my daughter to spend. I have raised this with my ex before and got nowhere. I don't want her to suddenly stop being generous to my daughter but we actually could do with the money to pay for bills food and my daughter doesn't need the money. And it's not fair that they get to spoil my daughter and do lots of holidays trips away with her and I can't and I look like this shit parent.

I'm really struggling with costs going up and they both have helped me with bills in the past but I want something more regular in place so we don't have to scrap by or ask. I think his wife would be sympathetic if I explained it to her but I want to know my rights in case she digs her heels in.

AIBU

OP posts:
Tandora · 07/05/2023 14:34

aSofaNearYou · 07/05/2023 14:17

@Tandora I just don't see how you can possibly defend the position that his available money should be considered to go up if he's in a partnership with someone that brings money to the table, but shouldn't go down if he's in a partnership with somebody who is purely costing him money.

It's just sheer hypocrisy. Either your partner and the money they bring to the table makes a difference, or it doesn't.

Already answered, please see above.

Tandora · 07/05/2023 14:37

holaschicas · 07/05/2023 14:34

You would be less U to ask your boss for a pay rise rather than a random woman, which is what she is to you really.

You need to be more appreciative that your ex pays way over what he owes according to CMS and that his DW is a lovely SM to DD.

Stop expecting other people to fix your problems. You sound entitled.

random woman

😂😭😭

Whataninsight · 07/05/2023 14:40

@Tandora

you have one baby? Yes?

does your DP have other children?

Tandora · 07/05/2023 14:41

Whataninsight · 07/05/2023 14:40

@Tandora

you have one baby? Yes?

does your DP have other children?

Why do you ask?

Mari9999 · 07/05/2023 14:52

@tiredofthegrind
Why should your ex be paying more when he is not earning more? You choose to work part-time .Maybe your goal should be to achieve at the same level as his new wife. Rather than trying to reduce what goes into their household, you should increase what you bring into your household. His wife works full-time, and given your household needs, it seems that you should be working full-time as well.

Whataninsight · 07/05/2023 14:53

Tandora · 07/05/2023 14:41

Why do you ask?

Show quote history

You don’t think personal circumstances and experience sometimes has an impact on one’s views when it comes to family and finances?

holaschicas · 07/05/2023 14:55

@Tandora
She is…she’s someone she knows’ wife. Someone she barely knows and she’s asking for money from her.

OP is really lucky dad pays what he does, especially with a new baby at home (ie he could reduce it). It’s more than he legally owes and more than most dads pay.

SM salary is noting to do with OP. It’s a classic case of wanting SM involved when it suits but not when it doesn’t, another ex wanting to have her cake and eat it.

Whataninsight · 07/05/2023 14:56

@Tandora

on the other thread you started about being confused about people getting upset when their partner cheats on them… you said * I honestly don’t think I’d really care if my current partner wanted to sleep with someone else…*

So you probably generally are used to being an outlier when it comes to your views

Tandora · 07/05/2023 14:57

Whataninsight · 07/05/2023 14:56

@Tandora

on the other thread you started about being confused about people getting upset when their partner cheats on them… you said * I honestly don’t think I’d really care if my current partner wanted to sleep with someone else…*

So you probably generally are used to being an outlier when it comes to your views

So you probably generally are used to being an outlier when it comes to your views

haha yes, I do often find myself looking at things differently to other people x

holaschicas · 07/05/2023 14:57

No one knows their household outgoings either. SM could earn £3k a month but be paying out £2900 in credit card bills.

Mind your own.

Tandora · 07/05/2023 14:59

holaschicas · 07/05/2023 14:55

@Tandora
She is…she’s someone she knows’ wife. Someone she barely knows and she’s asking for money from her.

OP is really lucky dad pays what he does, especially with a new baby at home (ie he could reduce it). It’s more than he legally owes and more than most dads pay.

SM salary is noting to do with OP. It’s a classic case of wanting SM involved when it suits but not when it doesn’t, another ex wanting to have her cake and eat it.

She is…she’s someone she knows’ wife. Someone she barely knows and she’s asking for money from her
😆😆
replace “someone she knows” with “father of her child” , add “step mum to her child” and you will have a more informative description 👍🏻

aSofaNearYou · 07/05/2023 15:03

Already answered, please see above.

Yes, the answer doesn't address the double standard. You're just owning it.

Tandora · 07/05/2023 15:05

aSofaNearYou · 07/05/2023 15:03

Already answered, please see above.

Yes, the answer doesn't address the double standard. You're just owning it.

I explained why I don’t think it’s a double standard.

aSofaNearYou · 07/05/2023 15:11

I explained why I don’t think it’s a double standard.

Not in a way that in any way stopped it from being a double standard.

Tandora · 07/05/2023 15:13

aSofaNearYou · 07/05/2023 15:11

I explained why I don’t think it’s a double standard.

Not in a way that in any way stopped it from being a double standard.

I understand that’s your opinion.

Yousee · 07/05/2023 15:13

I have a bigger house and car than I would otherwise require in order to accommodate DSD. These cost substantially more money to buy and maintain. This was true when DSD was with us EOW and half the holidays and it's still true now that it's all weekends and holidays.
So my personal available funds to hand over to DHs ex should she demand them are already vastly reduced on account of her child. That's before activities, gifts, petrol costs, clothes, food etc etc. Which I also contribute to.
My income doesn't increase DHs available funds as much as his child depletes mine, either directly or indirectly, and I imagine this is the case for many step parents. So I'm really struggling to see why additional funds should be taken from my household to fund another household as a certain poster would argue.oo the
Just such an odd mindset.

Tandora · 07/05/2023 15:23

Yousee · 07/05/2023 15:13

I have a bigger house and car than I would otherwise require in order to accommodate DSD. These cost substantially more money to buy and maintain. This was true when DSD was with us EOW and half the holidays and it's still true now that it's all weekends and holidays.
So my personal available funds to hand over to DHs ex should she demand them are already vastly reduced on account of her child. That's before activities, gifts, petrol costs, clothes, food etc etc. Which I also contribute to.
My income doesn't increase DHs available funds as much as his child depletes mine, either directly or indirectly, and I imagine this is the case for many step parents. So I'm really struggling to see why additional funds should be taken from my household to fund another household as a certain poster would argue.oo the
Just such an odd mindset.

I'm really struggling to see why additional funds should be taken from my household to fund another household

CMS payments are not about “taking” from your household to “fund another household”, they are to ensure your husband pays , equally , for all his children in proportion to his wealth.

Whataninsight · 07/05/2023 15:25

Given you say you would be happy for the father of your baby to sleep with other @Tandora
I reckon your stance on this thread will be tested soon enough

Tandora · 07/05/2023 15:30

Whataninsight · 07/05/2023 15:25

Given you say you would be happy for the father of your baby to sleep with other @Tandora
I reckon your stance on this thread will be tested soon enough

😂😂 I shall keep you updated.

Whataninsight · 07/05/2023 15:31

I will take a punt that you were a step child who had a ghastly childhood at the hands of a step parent @Tandora

Whataninsight · 07/05/2023 15:36

Tandora · 07/05/2023 15:30

😂😂 I shall keep you updated.

Show quote history

Tandora · 17/05/2022 22:49
Incidentally I just asked my DP if I got drunk one night and shagged someone else, would it devastate him/ destroy our relationship. He basically said, if it was someone he knew/ had
to interact with he would be really upset because of the pride factor/ shame/ embarrassment, but if it was a
total stranger , he doesn’t think he’d care that much 🤷🏼‍♀️. I guess we are as weird as each other 😅.

although on basis of above… it could be vice versa

Yousee · 07/05/2023 15:43

Tandora · 07/05/2023 15:23

I'm really struggling to see why additional funds should be taken from my household to fund another household

CMS payments are not about “taking” from your household to “fund another household”, they are to ensure your husband pays , equally , for all his children in proportion to his wealth.

Show quote history

Yes but you are saying our joint money should be funding this.
My argument is that I jointly fund DSD in this house, DH and his ex jointly fund DSD in her house. You seem to think additional funds should be taken out of our joint money to go to his exs household.
DH spends significantly more on DSD than he does on our children because she has "running costs" in two homes. I'm ok with this as I'm a pragmatist at heart.
Equality would mean a hefty drop down to CMS minimum and even then it still wouldn't come close. Would that be ok according to your rules?

Tandora · 07/05/2023 15:44

Whataninsight · 07/05/2023 15:36

Tandora · 17/05/2022 22:49
Incidentally I just asked my DP if I got drunk one night and shagged someone else, would it devastate him/ destroy our relationship. He basically said, if it was someone he knew/ had
to interact with he would be really upset because of the pride factor/ shame/ embarrassment, but if it was a
total stranger , he doesn’t think he’d care that much 🤷🏼‍♀️. I guess we are as weird as each other 😅.

although on basis of above… it could be vice versa

Show quote history

I’m not sure what you think you are gaining by this?
Those are my feelings about monogamy, yes. I’m not embarrassed by them if that’s what you think 🤷🏼‍♀️. The thread is available for people to read. So if your aim is to bully me, - perhaps you are scratching your own itch, but it’s really not having the impact on me that you seem to be seeking…

Whataninsight · 07/05/2023 15:45

Not bullying

providing context to your views on this thread

but it would be interesting to know whether you had a ghastly childhood at the hands of a step parent?

Whataninsight · 07/05/2023 15:46

It’s not impact on you

it’s for posters to have the context in which you write your posts