DH goading / taking mick out of DD 13

[curious79]

How do I begin to handle this...
My DH seems to think that it's character building to take the Mickey out of DD 13. She is thin-skinned so there is some benefit I believe. Sometimes it's the right moment and funny. Other times he gets the timing so wrong. He's her stepdad and I can't help but feel it impairs their relationship a bit as she thinks he's a bit of a dick in moments like that. For example, first time in the day that I'm getting to sit down with her and find out how her day went but it's accompanied by a drip drip of childish quips and questions that DD visibly finds upsetting (e.g. talking about a trans friend and in the background him saying 'oh what a weirdo she must be' - apparently as a joke). When I get irritated and say for gods sake shut up, he then goes into a petulant childish mood, saying neither of us have a sense of humour. I'm now being ignored

@TomatoSandwiches right!?? "Alpha male" is notorious twat speak for narcissistic male. Good luck OP please put your child first you are walking a dangerous path letting this dickhead rule the roost. You'll be wondering in 10 years why your daughter never calls or texts you.

This with knobs on. I'm disgusted that some women are so desperate for male approval that they fail their vulnerable children

@ZZTopGuitarSolo add my mum to that list too, OP's defensive post afterwards, mum own mother could have written it. I too have had to work hard to undo the damage a woman who puts a man before her children did. She is still with him and even today will defend him before ever accepting responsibility. Makes you sick. She's a doormat. I've told her many times I'm there when you want out. But she will never leave.

@curious79

My DS1 had a friend whose stepdad was like your DH, he also called it 'character building' or said DS's friend 'had no sense of humor' when he got upset. 'Friend' put up a good front for the sake of his mother but he hated that man with a passion. In the end it poisoned Friend's relationship with his mum and he moved in with us the day he turned 18 and then joined the Army right after graduation, simply to get away from his stepdad. She couldn't understand why.

Friend has done very well in life, has a good marriage and children. But he refuses to have anything to do with his stepdad and as a result has very little contact with his mum. Again, she just can't understand why.

Do what you want. But don't be surprised if your relationship with her suffers in the years to come due to your lack of decisive action.

My "mother" picked at me all my life. Little "hilarious" jibes.

I was told I was thin-skinned, too sensitive, couldn’t take a joke, had no sense of humour and so on.

At over 50, I am in long-term therapy for the damage caused by the lifelong abuse by someone who should have been nurturing me.

Protect your child.

Please stop making excuses for your husband, he's bullying your daughter, and his own children, and you're allowing and defending it.

This will damage your relationship with her, because you're teaching her that his feelings are more important than hers, even when he behaves badly.
She'll just stop talking about stuff and get sullen and angry when spoken to because she'll be expecting teasing every time she opens her mouth. She will resent him and then you and it may well to show in her behaviour.

I'm 43 and my SD tormented me as a child and teen, and my mother laughed along and called me sensitive for getting upset about it (I don't think you're doing that but you do say she's thin skinned).
I don't want to go into detail but one recurring incident he'd hug my mum, look at me and say "How can something so ugly come out of something so beautiful" and they'd both laugh and then I'd get shouted at for 'ruining' the moment being sensitive and over reacting if I got upset.

It wasn't ever about having a laugh or a bit of banter - you laugh along together when it's that, it was about power and showing he was the dominant one with the 'I'm only joking!' to avoid any come back if someone pulled him up on it.
It still affects my relationship with my mum now, and SD is long gone!

I also get the feeling now he did it knowing fine well that I'd get upset because most people would at what he said/did and then he'd have the perfect excuse to have a go at me - and if my mum ever told him he'd gone too far then she got the silent treatment and we all suffered with stomping around, slamming about and a shit atmosphere - I marvel now that he had the cheek to call me sensitive when he behaved like that at being pulled up on inappropriate behaviour towards a child.

And he's not "Alpha male" he's insecure and using a 13 year old to try and make up for his inadequacy in his own head.

Your job op as her mother is to treat her so well, with a kind but firm and fair manner that when she goes out into the world as a young adult she can recognise abusive, undesirable behaviour such as how your husband treats her and is confident enough to not stand for it, to not fall into relationships with people who treat her like that.
Instead, when you allow her to be bullied, you wear down her own protective instincts, she sees the one person who is supposed to protect her subjecting her to this behaviour and subconsciously rationalises that this abuse is what she deserves and so the cycle continues.

You are failing her for your own desire to remain married to this pathetic bully of a man.

God that poor girl! Put your daughter first. This will escalate and she will end up being alienated from you because you are putting her through bullying in her own home. She must hate it so much.

All the best op

Also it is your egotistical adult bully of a husband who is thin skinned. I think you are naive and self seeking in your response to negative posts here. You are wilfully not accepting how damaging this is. How long has he been her stepfather?

Can your DD live with her father? If you love her, you have to stop this. Because one day she will move out and you won’t see her again.

Unfortunately, no amount of well meaning talking will fix an 'alpha male' with a fragile ego, who sulks when he's called out.

I mean, you can try. I did - for 15 years, and deeply regret every one of them.

Op@curious79
You are married to immature man child ,
Another words he is emotionally abusive Prick , !
He is common variety Arsehole,

Why on earth 🌎 do you Care far more for your Partner, (your daughters step dad ) than your daughter then?

Drip drip effect like water 💧 over time,

erodes your daughters cofindence , !

You pander to your partner's feelings due to his difficult childhood,

News 📸 flash,

You are not responsible for the fact he had shitty poor upbringing,
You are not his paid up therapist, !

Your daughter should feel her feelings are valued, at home which is supposed to be her sanctuary,

Why should she have to put up, experince kinds of pettiness, emotional abuse that you expect at school or down the pub ?,

being a teenager is a difficult arkward age,
Do you rember it @curious79
Being a teenager yourself,

He constantly undermines mocks belittles 😳 your daughter makes fun of her,

Uses your daughter as a emotional punch bag,
To make himself feel better about himself and his insecurities under the disguise of Bantz, (banter)

Your dd is being bullied in her own home. She most likely won't be able to leave fast enough. Won't want to go back to visit or take her friends home. I'd give him ultimatum, stop picking on DD or leave.

Man child abusive Pricks/Arseholes like your Partner is and allways will be, like that,
Cause they lack or insecure about themselves,

A)They are Crap in bedroom dept with their partner,

B) They have a Inadequate Pathetic size Todger wedding Tackle manhood, that reflects just like how they are.

C) They Are No oil 🖼 🎨 painting,
Nothing Speacial to look at,

D) They are very Average men, No discerning talent or skills or piss poor skills/talent but there fragile/faulty ego makes them think they are far more Acomplished than they really are,

Cause these emotionally abusive Pricks are low grade men, who don't want you to discover that,
They know you and any other women could do a lot better than them,
Hence they need to lower your cofindence so its at basement floor level

I forget to say
Another reasons why Pathetic Arseholes /Shitty Man child men like your Partner is and behaves like the way he does to your daughter

Is because men like him suffer from Premature ejucalation, so need Virago mediation ,

These types of men who are Crap Shit 🙄 in Bedroom are no good , can't even satisfy their Partners ,
Can't get it up Even, Ha Ha Ha !

Pathetic Losers men

L.O.l are Really are a Crap Joke 🤣🤣🤣

No Wonder they feel a Need to joking put everyone female down in their wake 🙄

As they are Pathetic Losers who can't manage the Basics !

Your daughter is being taught that it's normal for a man to take the piss out of her and continue to do so even when it makes her uncomfortable and upset. Think about what that means for her future relationships.

She's also being taught that you won't have her back when she's uncomfortable and upset. Think about what that means for your relationship with her.

The irony of saying she needs to toughen up and have thicker skin when you're pandering to a grown man you say has a fragile ego and reacts badly to being asked not to make a child uncomfortable and upset.

This is a recipe for her being in horrible relationships as an adult:

We can't all be trolls, Op.

I find their humour Weird as fxck !
Man child Pricks Arseholes men

Alpha male???!

He sounds pathetic.

What on earth do you see in him?

The problem is OP - none of us are enamoured with him. We just see the pathetic creep bullying a 13 year old who’s forced to live with him.

Good to see who you prioritise: pathetic weirdo.

Your daughter sees this too, you know.

@Maverickess

Really sorry to hear you had such a Crap Stepdad and Crap so called mother who laughed along with his pathetic misogynistic Banter,

Stepdad was a total Arsehole, !

I was fuming 😤 thinking about the way he spoke to you reading about that,
especially about him saying " how can something so ugly come out of something so beautiful " words to that effect,

I am real Glad to hear, your Arsehole Stepfather is long dead,

He was useless Waste of Space Anyway.!
That's Good to hear, So no longer have to put with him anymore, !

What on 🌎 earth is wrong with your mother to just laugh along with him as banter a joke?

Have you ever pulled her up, mentioned to your mother about the way she was like at all back then?

I really think your Mother is Narastistic or has some Really deep rooted Personality disorders issues

If you can see that your dd is upset then your dh can too.
But he chooses to carry on with his ‘quips.’

I would ask him next time, because there will be a next time, in front of you dd what happened in his childhood to make him so insecure that he picks on children?
Are you ok dh? Would you like some salt for that huge chip on your shoulder?
Shall we get your school reports out and see how weird you were?
And if he complains.
You need to toughen up dh, we’re only joking.
It’s banter. Don’t be so thin skinned.
He may be thin skinned enough to get the message. Actions have consequences.

'Alpha male' - where to begin.

Tell him it's not on. Set a boundary. He can't needle your daughter and the little put downs need to stop.

Pathetic way for a grown man to behave z

Alpha male. What am I reading?

Poor kid. 😔

OP is doing some crazy mental gymnastics now, convincing herself every poster is a troll.

But that’s no different from what she does every day to justify the abuse of her child. Who will hopefully confide in someone what is happening and steps will be taken to ensure she is safe.