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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

DH goading / taking mick out of DD 13

162 replies

curious79 · 21/03/2023 20:01

How do I begin to handle this...
My DH seems to think that it's character building to take the Mickey out of DD 13. She is thin-skinned so there is some benefit I believe. Sometimes it's the right moment and funny. Other times he gets the timing so wrong. He's her stepdad and I can't help but feel it impairs their relationship a bit as she thinks he's a bit of a dick in moments like that. For example, first time in the day that I'm getting to sit down with her and find out how her day went but it's accompanied by a drip drip of childish quips and questions that DD visibly finds upsetting (e.g. talking about a trans friend and in the background him saying 'oh what a weirdo she must be' - apparently as a joke). When I get irritated and say for gods sake shut up, he then goes into a petulant childish mood, saying neither of us have a sense of humour. I'm now being ignored

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HollyFern1110 · 21/03/2023 20:21

He's taking the piss out of DD's friend? That's awful no matter the reason. How will DD ever tell you anything major or sensitive with him twatting it up in the background?

ThisIsWednesday · 21/03/2023 20:21

My stepdad was like this. 100% power play. He was marking his territory and establishing dominance in the household by putting down my sister and I.

Only thing that stopped it was moving out when we grew up. We did learn years in to ignore him or call him out (then we'd get that closed teeth, hissing threat in a snarl from mum having a go at us that we were "trying to ruin her relationship" or "Winding him up".)

Looking back, it's clear what he was doing. He was (and still is) the "big man", talking shite and making himself the boss. And I actually get on just fine with him now.

Don't be my mum. Do something about it.

Xrays · 21/03/2023 20:22

If she doesn’t find it funny it’s bullying.

lunar1 · 21/03/2023 20:23

Fucking hell, does your daughter have another parent she can go live with so she's not forced to go through her teen years with a bully.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/03/2023 20:23

Oh god, he sounds like a complete twat. And a raging hypocrite.

I’ve got a SD the same age, she trusts me and we have a lovely relationship because I don’t bully or mock her. It’s a shit age anyway, I remember being 13, and the bloody last thing she needs is a grown adult in her home being so pathetic and childish. He’s not behaving in a loving way and you know it.

TheCraicDealer · 21/03/2023 20:23

Nah, there’s no benefit to this. If someone is “thin skinned” then home needs to be a safe space, not a place for your DSD to carry out his own homegrown form of exposure therapy.

Being perceived as thin skinned is usually born out of low self esteem which is why the criticism hurts so much, it feeds into what they tell themselves. Her being bullied in her own home is hardly going to help is it ffs.

I would have a frank discussion with him and tell him to cut it out. If he comes out with some bullshit like “I don’t even know when I’m doing it!” I would agree to have a code such as “do the bins need taken out?” in front of DD to get him to stop and remove himself from the room. If that still didn’t work, I would be more upfront and not worry about embarrassing or “undermining” him in front of her.

BlessedBeTheFruitCake · 21/03/2023 20:27

He’s a dick head and I feel sorry for your daughter.

SavedByDogs · 21/03/2023 20:28

He’s not funny, he mocks your daughter and he sulks. Get rid.

Merlinsbeard83 · 21/03/2023 20:28

My dh has a step dad like this , no matter what he would have a sarcastic or mean little comment followed by a smirk or little laugh . And telling him to learn to take a joke . His dm did nothing and let it continue. It really affected his confidence and he hated being at home. Moved out at 17 . His relationship with his dm never recovered . We think it is his step dad's way of being involved in everything or being the centre of attention . And a reflection of his own insecurity.

user1471554720 · 21/03/2023 20:29

My father did this from time to time and so did various a hole acquaintances. It didn't 'build me up'. I am 50 now and I am very sensitive to any 'banter'. I am very mistrustful and unwilling to get to know people in case they are a 'bantering' type. I often don''t salute work acquaintances in the street if I think they are too 'loud and confident'. What a result!

Prescottdanni123 · 21/03/2023 20:32

Sorry but teaching your daughter that pulling a man up on nasty, teasing, bullying behaviour is being thin skinned is a terrible message to send to her.

Fluffodils · 21/03/2023 20:36

I know I already posted but seriously- her family are supposed to be her safe space where she can be herself.

You are doing untold harm allowing her to be in this environment.

Itsgottobeme · 21/03/2023 20:39

Ugh you had me at bullying. Thin skinned. Trans jokes. Her disliking him.him taking the mic.step dad 13 year old girl. Drip drip in the background teasing when she speaks.nope noop nope no!

Itsgottobeme · 21/03/2023 20:40

Fluffodils · 21/03/2023 20:36

I know I already posted but seriously- her family are supposed to be her safe space where she can be herself.

You are doing untold harm allowing her to be in this environment.

Nah she's thin skinned she needs toughening up don't you no.

WeeOrcadian · 21/03/2023 20:43

He needs to grow the fuck up. Sharpish.

Twoshoesnewshoes · 21/03/2023 20:43

Like @TomatoSandwiches said, it sounds like he doesn’t want to share your attention or be out of the limelight.
Twat.

Soakitup37 · 21/03/2023 20:47

Has he told you it’s “character building”?

it is not his place anyway but by your own admission it’s dickish behaviour.

if you aren’t shutting this down fast and every turn and defending your dd then you’re sending her the message he matters more than she does.

she will remember this and you won’t be able to undo the damage that’ll cause.

Tilllly · 21/03/2023 20:50

I think you need to sit down with him and explain your concerns
Give him a chance to develop a better relationship with her
He's possibly just (another!) immature man who doesn't know how to relate to her so he defaults to wankpuffin

NoShepardWithoutVakarian · 21/03/2023 20:51

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ClassicLib · 21/03/2023 20:51

she thinks he's a bit of a dick

And she’s absolutely correct.

Your husband is bullying your daughter, so it’s your responsibility as her mother to be on her side, stand up to him and put a stop to this, once and for all. It’s time for some straight talking, when she’s not around. You need to tell him to stop, not ask him, and if he responds by sulking, let him sulk. He needs to learn that you are putting your daughter ahead of him and if he doesn’t like it, he can fuck off.

CalistoNoSolo · 21/03/2023 20:52

Your poor daughter. She isn't in the slightest bit thin skinned, poor girl. Her mother has married a bullying cunt and the daughter is the one paying the price for it.

CalistoNoSolo · 21/03/2023 20:53

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Cross posted, you put it better.

Original poster

curious79 · 21/03/2023 21:00

Soakitup37 - he thinks it's a big mean old world out there so she needs to learn to, well, ... soak it up!
I really appreciate hearing the experiences people have had of stepfathers like this. It's worth adding she does love him and they typically get on brilliantly, particularly when they have time that's just the two of them. So chucking him out is not the answer here - that would be WAY more devastating for her. I think it is some kind of weird attention-seeking / performance thing on his part. His own two kids get subject to this and, as with DD, he takes it too far on occasion. He has a complicated relationship with his own parents. He is alpha male and the ego bruises easily.
I do challenge the behaviour and shut it down, and I encourage her to do the same so it doesn't always feel like it's me intervening but is her setting her boundaries.
I'm continuing to read with interest so thank you for all opinions

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NoShepardWithoutVakarian · 21/03/2023 21:04

“Alpha male” fucking hell

He’s abusive. You’re allowing it. His own DC are, unfortunately, going to be subject to this shit for life. Your DD doesn’t have to be.

When your DD is an adult and with a man who abuses her, this will be why.

I hope she moves in with her other parent and goes NC with you ASAP. No child needs to “toughen up”.

Original poster

curious79 · 21/03/2023 21:04

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I'm sorry how the hell am I encouraging this?! By existing? By staying married I guess you'll say. No marriage is perfect. No parent is perfect. I do not encourage this at all.
I pull him up on this - I don't tolerate it at all - and I'm happy to let him sulk. There are ways of helping people be better without immediately setting ultimatums and blowing up a marriage with all the consequences entailed

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