DH goading / taking mick out of DD 13

[curious79]

How do I begin to handle this...
My DH seems to think that it's character building to take the Mickey out of DD 13. She is thin-skinned so there is some benefit I believe. Sometimes it's the right moment and funny. Other times he gets the timing so wrong. He's her stepdad and I can't help but feel it impairs their relationship a bit as she thinks he's a bit of a dick in moments like that. For example, first time in the day that I'm getting to sit down with her and find out how her day went but it's accompanied by a drip drip of childish quips and questions that DD visibly finds upsetting (e.g. talking about a trans friend and in the background him saying 'oh what a weirdo she must be' - apparently as a joke). When I get irritated and say for gods sake shut up, he then goes into a petulant childish mood, saying neither of us have a sense of humour. I'm now being ignored

You both think your DD is 'thin-skinned'. I'm assuming as he's your husband that he's been in your life for a number of years.

Could it be that your DD is 'thin-skinned' as a result of this mocking behaviour from your husband.

If your best friend came to you and told you that her husband was mocking her daughter to the point she was getting upset and, despite him seeing she was upset, he continued. What would you honestly tell her to do? I don't believe you would tell her to stick it out!

The only thin-skinned one is the pathetic husband/partner (whatever the OP wants to call him), who can dish it, but can’t take it.

Pathetic.

I wasn’t a particularly sensitive child or teen, though for girls 13 is a really fucking shit age when your body and hormones are sliding out of any recognisable state at a million miles an hour.

And this persistent, inane drip-drip-drip of his shitty, not-very-intelligent ‘quips’ from a stepfather, would erode any sort of a relationship I would have with him in the future, not to mention make me close down any communication with him and my mother who chose him as a stepfather.

And that closure will damage all your relationships in the future, but especially yours and hers.

He needs to shut the fuck up, engage his brain before making shitty remarks about your daughter and her friends/life/decisions, and he needs to get over the idea that he needs to ‘toughen her up’.

So he bullies her and you don't see anything wrong with it unless it's annoying to you. How would you feel if DD settles for someone like him when she's an adult with low confidence and low self-esteem.
You're not toughening her up, you're dragging her down.

Looks unanimous. I know OP doesn't see it like we do, just as our mothers were completely blind to it, but so many of us commenting had these stepfathers who acted in the very same way and the one almost certain result was moving out the second we could.
In my story I was 16. I have a 16 year old now and in my eyes (and hers) she is a child. To think that at my little girls age I was living in my own house, working part time and going to college all by myself. Making my own meals, paying my own way. Doing all my own washing and all other household chores, dragging my weekly shopping bags home alone on buses I struggled to afford. Sitting alone every single night in my quiet, lonely house, sometimes never speaking to a single person from week to week outside of polite conversations with customers at work and having only a television with 5 channels for company (no widely available internet back then).
All because of one "alpha male" interloper making my home life shite in the guise of banter. Or me being too sensitive.

You may think he's a great guy with only this flaw OP but think about what the other poster said about a casserole. It could be the tastiest casserole ever made but if you have just one bit of shit in it, the whole thing is shit.

Please stop him. Every single time. And if you don't, start saving now to buy your teenager a decent starter set of crockery, cutlery and cookware for her new flat the second she's able to flee.

My parents were like this. It's awful. Please make sure he stops or, if he won't, get him away from your DD.

I grew up around uncles/ grandfather/ great uncles who used to tease me constantly. These were relatives on my Mum's side, so my Mum didn't do anything about it as it was what she had grown up with and was the 'norm' to her.

Consequently, I always struggled with knowing how to relate to men and knowing how to talk to them. It's good that you've identified that he's doing this, he needs to understand that damage he's potentially doing and your DD needs to see you stand up for her and know this isn't ok.

I don’t understand why you’re characterising this as banter- isn’t banter supposed to be funny? And enjoyable for both parties? Repeatedly making comments that upsets someone isn’t banter, it’s bullying

He's not dead, he left my mother for a woman younger than me 🙄 and he's the bio father of my siblings - who were treated very differently to me, there is a large age gap, but thankfully they do get (because they saw it) how differently we were treated.

As for my mother, well I just don't bring it up any more because it's just not worth it, we swing between selective amnesia and denial "I don't remember that!" and "That never happened!" to playing the martyr and "Yes everything is my fault, I'm such a terrible person, sorry for not being perfect !"

Or the most common is hiding behind it all in the sense that she justifies how she behaved by saying that she had to put up with far worse from him, especially if she intervened and stuck up for me and that I was and still am too sensitive and that's 'half my problem' and that I put her through 'hell' as a teen and I have to realise that she deserved a life too.

My real father was a complete philanderer and a flake and in all honesty I think that when my presence failed to keep him around, I became surplus to requirements and just in the way when SD came along and was used to deflect the issues in their relationship - they didn't have issues or problems between them, they were all caused by me. I saw my real dad, but was a reminder to him of a woman who he resented, and so basically I was just in the way wherever I went. I didn't belong anywhere. The 'teasing' from my SD was a symptom of that, of the resentment.

I spent many years screwed up and self loathing and I almost alienated my own daughter because of the person I'd become. I changed that for the better.

Please @curious79 stop this now, he's had a messed up childhood but that doesn't have to continue on with your DD.

As for my mother, well I just don't bring it up any more because it's just not worth it, we swing between selective amnesia and denial "I don't remember that!" and "That never happened!" to playing the martyr and "Yes everything is my fault, I'm such a terrible person, sorry for not being perfect !"

YES! This entirely! My mother absolutely cannot fathom that she was in any way to blame, especially considering she apparently has no memory at all of it, except when she does and it wasn't her fault.

OP, I thought that by starting this thread you recognised that his behaviour was totally unacceptable and wanted to help your DD. But the more you post, the more it seems like you are in thrall to a nasty bully and don't plan to stand up to him.

He is alpha male

Yeah, he's really not. His behaviour sets him apart as a weak and unpleasant person. Your DD needs to you step up.

What is the banter about? Your daughter is entering puberty which is a difficult time. She needs teaching about life but she needs protecting from bullying or humiliation particularly in her own home which should be a safe space.

Couldn’t agree more.

I agree completely, @riotlady - it is clear that @curious79 is happier characterising this as 'banter' because this allows her to minimise and ignore the very real harm it is doing her daughter.

I very much doubt she is still reading this - too much truth here for her - but if she is, I hope she is finally seeing the sort of damage this will be doing to her daughter - the accounts from posters like @Maverickess are heart breaking to read and should be a loud wake up call to the OP that she needs to stop encouraging and enabling her bullying twat of a partner and actually defend and support her own child!

I'm hoping that @curious79 is reading and taking it on board, and is going to do something, even if she doesn't comment.

This isn't people being hysterical or over reacting or being overly sensitive, this is your husband hurting your daughter, mentally and emotionally, and you letting it happen and making excuses for an adult while blaming a child for being 'thin skinned', and some of us sadly recognise his and your behaviour from experience.

How would you feel if this were her bio father? Or a teacher? Or one of her peers treating her this way?

It won't be easy to face, admit and then confront. I had my own little battle with it all, although no partner involved, with the way I treated my own DD - the same way I was treated - and I was damaging her and our relationship. I changed it, it bloody scared me when I realised I was doing exactly what my mother did and made my DD feel exactly like I did. The person I should have been protecting the most was the one I was hurting and it's incredibly hard to admit that.

She's 20 now and we have an amazing relationship, but I still have to remind myself sometimes to not respond as my mum did - she constantly looked for a way to blame me in any situation for just about anything, never had my back, the first question was (and to some degree is, although I admit she's made a concerted effort to change) "What did you do to make that person treat you badly?" No matter what the situation was. No one could ever be unfair or horrible to me, because I deserved it somehow, I'd always done something to warrant it. That's not to say I'm soft, and DD has a good sense of personal responsibility but is balanced because she doesn't think everything is her fault.

Even my cousin once, when we were around 5/6 asked his mum "Why doesn't Maverickess' mum like Maverickess?" Out of the mouth of babes and all that.

I've worked through a lot of it, but there's times that it still trips me up - like this thread. So I'm going to hide it now because I've highjacked the thread enough, people don't need to be reading my story - this is about that young lady, and because it's affecting me personally more than I want it to.

Thank you to the other posters for your kind words and my heart goes out to those of you who have experienced the same.

I’m sorry to every woman who’s mother was too far in the dicksand to give a fuck about what their children needed and to put that first. I can’t even begin to wrap my head around how their maternal instinct gets so squashed down that they can’t sense it any more.

The thought of growing up in a house with someone I disliked (never mind hated, or was scared / intimidated by) sounds absolutely unbearable.

I feel so sorry for kids in this environment. Forced into it by other people’s choices - and with no say in it themselves.

Home is meant to be a safe haven, filled with loving people who have your best interests at heart.

If ever the worst happens and DH and I are no longer together for whatever reason, there is no way I would ever move a stranger into my DCs’ safe haven and disrupt their lives.

I feel so sorry for the many DC forced to live like this, as evidenced by the many threads on here, and the people sharing awful stories of growing up in such a scenario.

It’s just the worst thing to inflict on a child - removing their one place, their safe haven.

I know! God forbid they hurt the poor mans ego, their own children they couldn’t care less about. Making your child live with a man that bullies them is mind boggling. It’s not even her dad. I do hope OP had better taste in men before and that the poor girl have a good dad she can get some respite with.

Oh it’s just banter, I’m sure the DD “adores” (that’s always the word used in this kind of situation isnt it?) her stepdad when he’s not being a bullying little prick.

Op, you are in denial and trying to justify his behaviour, which is typical for abused person. Please take this thread to relationships board and hopefully they will be able to explain that to you so you start putting 2 and 2 together. Start reading.
Get help and leave him.
He has managed to convince you this is funny but it is damaging your daughter and your H is using her (and you) to boost his fragile ego. He is not anywhere near being an Alpha male. Quite opposite. He wants you to think he is one and treat him as such, again, to boost his fragile ego. Selfish, damaged man.

Please, stand up to him and get him to grow up or leave before you lose your daughter.

And for what I know, our brain matures by the age of 25. If he has not managed to mature by then, he will never do and will always be at maturity level of a teenager.

Leave him to it, you won't fix him, you can only protect yourself and your daughter from his damaging crap.

The OP appears to be the thin-skinned one given that she’s scarpered because people are saying things she doesn’t like.

It’s tough realizing you’re doing a shitty job of parenting but not as tough as being on the receiving end of shitty parenting.

My ex husband's sister killed herself at 19 after enduring endless "jokes" about her appearance ("if you eat anymore, you'll roll away from the dinner table" that sort of crap) from her dad whilst her mum just rolled her eyes.
That poor girl wrote a letter blaming her parents and just before her death put a copy in every letterbox on the street.
How very character building.

Op, my dad thought this kind of 'bantz' (god, how I fucking hate that word) was hilarious and he was the only one laughing. His constantly recurring jibe was about my thighs of all things. I distinctly remember from a young age being called thunder-thighs at every opportunity, this resulted in me still to this day being so self conscious about me legs that I dress to hide them. (I'm a size 10 ffs). And my relationships have had the theme of me trying desperately to please and staying/tolerating shit for far too long.
My brother was subjected to similar 'jokes' left home as soon as he could and never saw my dad again.
I no longer speak to my dad either, he is most definitely the rudest, most selfish bell-end I have ever known.
How the op can defend this is beyond me.

OP it sounds like you’re in a difficult situation. You can clearly see his behaviour isn’t okay which is why you’re telling him to shut up. Yet you’re struggling to lay firm boundaries to make him stop.

I understand what you’re saying that your DD loves him and can have a good relationship with him, but this is often what happens in abusive relationships. He’s nice sometimes, but sometimes he’s being a bully, and you can’t teach your daughter to think this is okay otherwise she will end up in an awful adult relationship/marriage.

My SD is having similar issues with her mums DP. She can speak quite fondly of him at times but other times I’m disgusted at what I hear about his behaviour, and how her mum acts like it’s SD’s job to “rise above it” rather than expect him to grow up as the adult in the situation.

Please either put your DH in his place to not treat your DD like that anymore, or each time he does it just say “come on DD let’s go chat in your room” (or out of the house if necessary) and get her away from that situation. If you don’t you’re seriously going to damage her confidence and your relationship with her, and I’m sure you don’t want that

That's so sad. That poor girl must have been in so much mental distress.

Did her death change their behaviour? How did your ExDH feel about it?