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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DH goading / taking mick out of DD 13

162 replies

curious79 · 21/03/2023 20:01

How do I begin to handle this...
My DH seems to think that it's character building to take the Mickey out of DD 13. She is thin-skinned so there is some benefit I believe. Sometimes it's the right moment and funny. Other times he gets the timing so wrong. He's her stepdad and I can't help but feel it impairs their relationship a bit as she thinks he's a bit of a dick in moments like that. For example, first time in the day that I'm getting to sit down with her and find out how her day went but it's accompanied by a drip drip of childish quips and questions that DD visibly finds upsetting (e.g. talking about a trans friend and in the background him saying 'oh what a weirdo she must be' - apparently as a joke). When I get irritated and say for gods sake shut up, he then goes into a petulant childish mood, saying neither of us have a sense of humour. I'm now being ignored

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 21/03/2023 21:05

You do know he is forcing your dd to plan her leaving home already don't you? When it is just you and him and it's you being abused will you accept it for your life too?

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/03/2023 21:06

I encourage her to do the same so it doesn't always feel like it's me intervening but is her setting her boundaries.

Are you for real?

NoShepardWithoutVakarian · 21/03/2023 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NoShepardWithoutVakarian · 21/03/2023 21:08

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/03/2023 21:06

I encourage her to do the same so it doesn't always feel like it's me intervening but is her setting her boundaries.

Are you for real?

I suspect she is.

OP is in the dicksand and doesn’t give a fuck about how many years her daughter has already been exposed to this shit, and I guarantee this is the tip of the iceberg.

Fluffodils · 21/03/2023 21:09

He has a complicated relationship with his own parents. He is alpha male and the ego bruises easily. and? He's a bully.

I do challenge the behaviour and shut it down, and I encourage her to do the same so it doesn't always feel like it's me intervening but is her setting her boundaries. why. Why don't you stand up for her!!

This is awful

Fluffodils · 21/03/2023 21:10

She is only 13.

When she was born is this what you wanted for her?

Theglowofcandles · 21/03/2023 21:13

I hear you. My brother is exactly like this. He thinks comments like .. 'hungry horace' aimed at my 10yr old is 'banter' and she is to 'get a sense of humour'. It got to the point where I said to him that if he continues then he simply won't be around her anymore because what he is doing is bullying. I think you maybe need to go down that route.

NoShepardWithoutVakarian · 21/03/2023 21:14

curious79 · 15/09/2022 09:57
I have a wonderful loyal husband. We both work, we have 3 kids combined after initial divorces. He cooks, helps out, makes me laugh.
If he slobbed about, did nothing, was rude (a) I would never have married him in the first place - that sort of behaviour doesn't appear out of nowhere (ladies - you need to have standards around values / behaviour, not looks, in the first instance), (b) I wouldn't stick around.

^^ Cringing for you tbh.

CalistoNoSolo · 21/03/2023 21:15

NoShepardWithoutVakarian · 21/03/2023 21:08

I suspect she is.

OP is in the dicksand and doesn’t give a fuck about how many years her daughter has already been exposed to this shit, and I guarantee this is the tip of the iceberg.

Show quote history

Do you realise how awful you sound OP? How you're minimising his behaviour? Do you not recognise that your daughter is behaving as though she loves him as a survival technique? You really, really need to open your eyes to what your daughter is going through and step up to your role as her parent and protector, because right now you're failing her badly.

category12 · 21/03/2023 21:17

He has a complicated relationship with his own parents. He is alpha male and the ego bruises easily.
I do challenge the behaviour and shut it down, and I encourage her to do the same so it doesn't always feel like it's me intervening but is her setting her boundaries.

So alpha = fragile flower? 😂

Your dd is 13: she shouldn't have to fight for and set boundaries in her own home - it should be a safe emotional space for her. Why are you expecting her to act like more of an adult than a grown man?

Who cares if he had a difficult childhood - he's making your dd's childhood difficult.

Ameadowwalk · 21/03/2023 21:17

Why the heck should your DD have to challenge the behaviour of a grown man who is annoying her in her own home? Who justifies annoying her by saying she needs to learn how awful the world is? How about he models the proper and decent behaviour which she should expect from people? It would be better than teaching her that men can be bullies and mean but you should not blow up your marriage with them.

Marchforward · 21/03/2023 21:17

He is well beyond that already. Why would you let your daughter be bullied in her own home?

Sweet89 · 21/03/2023 21:18

I would tell him to back the fuck off or get out! He's bullying your daughter, and you are doing what about it? The poor girl 😞 I was teased by my father growing up, and it has most definitely left me with unhealed trauma. It isn't "banter." It is immature and toxic behaviour from a grown man, though he sounds like a nasty teenager. It sounds as though he doesn't particularly like your daughter and is using the "banter" as an excuse to pick on her. Get him to stop or get him to leave before (if it hasn't already) causes her serious issues

TheFormidableMrsC · 21/03/2023 21:18

curious79 · 21/03/2023 20:06

he's otherwise a very loving man. I so don't want DD to end up viewing him as a teasing twat of a stepfather but I'm afraid he may head in that direction!

He sounds like a bullying prick quite frankly. She's 13, a really difficult age. Get rid of him, he's not good for your child and her self esteem.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/03/2023 21:19

If she had a boyfriend who behaved like this to her would you think that was okay? That she should suck it up and stop being so sensitive? Would you leave them to it so she develops her own boundaries?

Would you/do you tolerate him taking the piss out of you as he does a child? Is it his right as so called alpha male with a fragile ego and a need to throw his weight around?

category12 · 21/03/2023 21:21

And the problem is, being mocked and bullied in your own home as a child and teen doesn't make you strong and able to set boundaries, it cuts away at your self-esteem and makes you vulnerable to more of the same disrespectful bollocks from boyfriends and future partners.

Snoken · 21/03/2023 21:26

What a horrible little bully of a man. It’s easy to call yourself an alpha if you are targeting children, he really is just an idiot with self esteem issues.

Luredbyapomegranate · 21/03/2023 21:27

Polik · 21/03/2023 20:08

When I get irritated and say for gods sake shut up, he then goes into a petulant childish mood

You could both do with a more adult, mature response.

Instead of getting irritated, be factual, clear and assertive. "That language/tone is rude / bad mannered. Dont speak to DD in that way..." then carry on with your conversation.

Exactly.

Someone needs to be the adult in this situation.

But have a proper talk with him and tell him this needs to stop. If he doesn’t stop you will seriously have to get shot of him. This is bullying and it is not ok.

Carlycat · 21/03/2023 21:28

He's a bully and it's your job to protect your daughter from this prick. I feel desperately sorry for her

NoShepardWithoutVakarian · 21/03/2023 21:32

Luredbyapomegranate · 21/03/2023 21:27

Exactly.

Someone needs to be the adult in this situation.

But have a proper talk with him and tell him this needs to stop. If he doesn’t stop you will seriously have to get shot of him. This is bullying and it is not ok.

Show quote history

She doesn’t think it needs to stop though, she thinks it’s fine.

SquirrelSoShiny · 21/03/2023 21:37

MrsBunnyEars · 21/03/2023 20:14

This sounds utterly miserable for your poor DD. She’s being bullied in her own home.

It’s actually quite upsetting to think about.

This.

BeesOnLavender · 21/03/2023 21:50

curious79 · 21/03/2023 20:06

he's otherwise a very loving man. I so don't want DD to end up viewing him as a teasing twat of a stepfather but I'm afraid he may head in that direction!

If I made you a casserole and you tasted it and thought it was great, then I did a shit in it - would you still want to eat it because apart from the shit it's a very lovely casserole?

That's your DD relationship with her stepfather.

"He's lovely when he's not being an arse" is every women's comment, everywhere, about the majority of shit men. It's bullying and the silent treatment when he's told to stop is emotional abuse. My own dad was like this. I stopped talking to him when I was 14, avoided being home as much as possible and moved out as soon as I could, straight into an abusive relationship. Please don't teach your DD to tolerate this shit from men

MyEasterEggs · 21/03/2023 21:56

He sounds incredibly mean spirited. I couldn’t tolerate my DH behaving in this way towards our DD, let alone a stepfather. Protecting your girl comes first and now you’ve reached out - with real concerns - you can maybe consider some of the advice given above.

Sadly, I’ve been that daughter, and it’s often those micro moments that add up and cause the most damage. Not the big things, though I experienced my share of those too. Thankfully he was gone before I reached my teenage years but it permanently damaged my relationship with my mum. I grew up believing she didn’t have my back, left home at 16, and at 40 still keep her at arm’s length. It’s such a shame.

I’m sure your OH is lovely in other ways but that doesn’t really forgive the way he’s treating your DD.

BeesOnLavender · 21/03/2023 21:57

Marchforward · 21/03/2023 21:17

He is well beyond that already. Why would you let your daughter be bullied in her own home?

Because she's a shit mother who prioritises her own relationship wants over her DD wellbeing needs. It's quite sick to read frankly. She doesn't care a damn about how it's affecting her DD, all she cares about is what her DD thinks of her stepfather

lunar1 · 21/03/2023 21:58

Came back to see what excuses were being made for the adult bully and sadly wasn't disappointed. It's a bloody script.

No it wouldn't be far more devastating for your dd if he left, it would give her a safe place to call home. Something she sadly doesn't have with you.

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