DH goading / taking mick out of DD 13

[curious79]

How do I begin to handle this...
My DH seems to think that it's character building to take the Mickey out of DD 13. She is thin-skinned so there is some benefit I believe. Sometimes it's the right moment and funny. Other times he gets the timing so wrong. He's her stepdad and I can't help but feel it impairs their relationship a bit as she thinks he's a bit of a dick in moments like that. For example, first time in the day that I'm getting to sit down with her and find out how her day went but it's accompanied by a drip drip of childish quips and questions that DD visibly finds upsetting (e.g. talking about a trans friend and in the background him saying 'oh what a weirdo she must be' - apparently as a joke). When I get irritated and say for gods sake shut up, he then goes into a petulant childish mood, saying neither of us have a sense of humour. I'm now being ignored

He is alpha male and the ego bruises easily.

Bullshit.

‘Alpha males’ do not bully children. They protect them.

Ah the trolls are busy tonight.
All this 'just chuck him out' advice - I mean what frikkin planet are people living on that they think you can (a) just chuck people out of their home - legally, economically, easily - and (b) it'll all be tickety boo afterwards. Don't you at least want to try to talk first and find resolution? Or would that make for boring advice. You clearly all have perfect relationships with not a smidgen of discord.

Thank you to all posters who've been constructive, shared their experiences and the impacts it had on them. Those bits will aid a VERY constructive conversation.
To those who want DH strung up alive / flayed / crucified etc - soz, not tonight. Maybe later if his banter doesn't improve.

Ah OP you sound just like my mum.

She still allows him to behave like it and I’m 53. I now just tell him to shut the fuck up. I had a lot of counseling to help me get to that point.

Interesting to see your justification for how you’re defending him rather than your daughter, while she gets labeled ‘thin-skinned’.

I guess my mum isn’t the only one who’s shit like this.

Ah still calling it banter.

Fuck sake.

Jesus - alpha male? He’s not head of a pack of dogs.
He does sound like a domineering twat however.
well its your bed to lie on. He will toughen her up as in she’ll keep all her dramas and feelings to herself. Good luck with that when she’s 17 and you want to know what’s going on.

Hopefully she has a good relationship with her own df.

God save us from women who put their relationships before their kids.

This is bullying. He is bullying her in her own home. And you are condoning it.

It will chip away at her self esteem and she will always resent you for not protecting her.

Your 13 year old is more emotionally mature than the d**k stepfather. Nobody would ever have the audacity to speak to my children that way and certainly not in my presence.

At the very least put manners each and everytime and step on him the moment he starts. Don't let him minimize his bullying behavior.

‘Maybe later if his banter doesn’t improve’ - only maybe?

And this is not banter, @curious79 - it is out and out bullying - your poor dd doesn’t know from one moment to the next whether her ‘otherwise very loving’ stepfather is going to be nice to her or start bullying her again - she must be on tenterhooks all the time, stressed about when the next session of ‘character building banter’ is going to start.

You are minimising this by calling it banter - if you call it what it is, mean spirited bullying from someone who cannot take even the mildest comment made to him in return - then maybe you will start to see why people on this thread are reacting so strongly. You are definitely underreacting, imo.

You're trying to excuse it with all your talk of alpha male etc and calling it banter. All this therapy talk - boundaries, discord etc. No what he is doing is bullying possibly even abusive.

Is her dad in the picture?

He's her stepdad and I can't help but feel it impairs their relationship a bit as she thinks he's a bit of a dick in moments like that. it's going to impair it massively.

Don't subject your Dd to this twat. If you stay with him it will show her that you won't protect her from his bullying. She deserves better than this.

Absolutely tragic. ‘Oh I encourage my daughter to set boundaries and beg her stepdad not to treat her like dirt, because he had a little fragile ego since he’s an alpha male and she’s just thin skinned and needs to get over it. Yeah, he mocks her when she’s trying to confide in me as her mother, but that’s because he needs the attention. And I don’t want to set the boundaries all the time, after all she is 13 and should be able to deal with her stepdad making her the butt of the joke by herself.‘

Hopefully your daughter does have a decent father because she will need a man in her life to model appropriate relationships otherwise the poor girl could be in for a world of pain, since at home she’s being taught that her place is to be mocked and bullied by men and to tolerate it.

I’m sure she already does. He sounds like a massive dickhead and there’s nothing character building about being insensitive to someone’s feelings. You need to get on board with the fact that his approach is absolutely wrong and he could end up ruining your relationship with your daughter as well as his if you don’t protect her from what is essentially bullying.

Does he treat you the same way

Of course he does - the bullying is two fold. By giving op silent treatment for mentioning the mistreatment of her daughter, he is training both mother and daughter, by punishing them for not centering him and having a conversation where he was not centre of attention. Eventually they with both learn that it is so unpleasant that it’s better if everything revolves around him.

It's interesting that you and he refer to your DD as 'thin skinned' when he's the one who gets into a huff when his clearly crap jokes aren't well-received. What a man to be bullying a 13 year old girl.

Would he behave this way if another man was speaking? No, of course not. Because he's a bully and he's found himself a victim who is younger and smaller than him. And you're enabling him.

He sounds like an attention seeking immature little twat. Tell him to keep his mouth shut and mind his own business when you’re trying to have a conversation with your daughter. She needs and deserves some regular undivided attention from her mum.

" Alpha male " 😂😂😂

Most fucking ridiculous thing I've read today, you and him both need to grow up, good luck having a decent relationship with your child when she finally gets to leave home.

Fucking Alpha male 😂what a load of crap.

He is a childish asshole who is bullying your child in front of you. Stop this.

How interesting that your OH thinks your DD needs to toughen up yet as soon as either of you tell him to shut up, pack it in, stop being a dick - he acts like you've mortally wounded him. So your DD needs to toughen up but he doesn't? He can fuck right off there!

And yes, it is a big mean world out there and knowing that home is a safe haven makes that world far easier to deal with. Right now that big mean world is in the home as well as 'out there'. Your poor DD.

Your Dear Husband knows it is a cruel world out there yet he still wants to bring the cruelty in your front door. He will destroy her confidence if he carries on like this. Banter, my arse. He is a bully and you are letting him crush your daughter's spirit.

The teen years are so tricky for them, why on earth are you not keeping her safe place sacrosanct?
Her home should be a place for relaxing and feeling secure, not batting off jibes and rude interruptions from a man she has no sway with, she didn't invite him into her life, she has no choice about living in the same house as him. Ugh. Poor poor girl.

My step dad used to do this, but he was a narcissist and hated when my mum paid attention to her children Instead of him, even for 10 minutes he couldn't handle it, his behaviour would regress in front of you until he acted up so spectacularly my mum was forced to pay attention to him to keep the peace.

Sounds very fucking similar and for the sake of your future relationship with your daughter, put a stop to it now. I have a superficial relationship with my mum, I don't share anything with her because when I was a child I would be interrupted by that weird twat, embarrassed and invalidated "as a joke" so it became easier to keep it all to myself.

You're enabling a bully. Get a fking grip