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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Told DH my DC will ALWAYS be my priority

339 replies

Cantbedoingwithit1 · 20/08/2022 07:34

This has been a bubbling argument between DH and I who share one child and he has older DC too from a previous relationship.

I'm so sick of feeling suffocated since our DD was born whenever I try to just be a normal mother.

I feel like I can't do anything with or for DD without it being questioned. Since she was born his guilt surrounding DSC has gone into overdrive. Everything must be about them or include them in some way.

Things like me taking DD away on holiday with a friend because he didn't want to (we couldn't afford this year to go abroad in school holidays), I wanted to take her before she is also stuck with school holidays in a little over a year. That was "unfair", basically anything like that.

It started last night because I've booked to take DD out for the day somewhere DSC would enjoy when they are back at school. (I'm off a couple of days in the week with her so like to do things then)

It is somewhere DSC have asked to go before however, it's split into sort of two things so there's a large section for young children and then there's also a large section for older children and adults. So all going together we'd end up split up or I'd end up dragging DD around the adults section of the place and she wouldn't get to enjoy it (or vice versa although it would never happen the other way around as all days out with DSC revolve around them).

My friend had some vouchers to use there so I got tickets cheaper too and I'm going with her and her younger DC.

But apparently it's cruel because I know DSC want to go (yeah...not to the toddler part!).

He always expects me to prioritise them even if it disadvantages DD. He and his ex are constantly changing plans and often he'll agree to have them when he knows he's not going to be there all day but I am and just expect me to take them wherever I'm going. If I don't want to or have plans I get accused of just disliking them and why is it a problem taking them with me etc.. for example on a Saturday, if he's working, I might arrange to take DD to see my family and then all of a sudden DSC will be here (unbeknown to me because he never discusses it with me) and then I'm just expected to take them too and have no problem with it.

Sometimes I just want to see my own family by ourselves or go on a day out by ourselves!

Anyway, he started with it again last night about how I treat DD differently (yes, because she's my child..) and how it's so obvious she's all I'm bothered about and how he needs me to love his kids and basically I shouted at him that YES DD WILL ALWAYS BE MY PRIORITY OVER HIS KIDS. And now we're not talking.

He's driving me mad with this. A lot of the time he's a good husband and father but others the guilt he has over DSC completely clouds his judgement. It wasn't like this before DD.

It's making me completely resentful of everything about being a step parent to the point I hate DSC being here because the whole vibe changes, he changes. It makes me not want to do a single thing for DSC in protest almost.

Anyway, rant over. Driving me mad. I just want to be a mother to my fucking child for Christs sake.

OP posts:
MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 20/08/2022 10:03

But Sunny that would require the DH to step up and parent his SC, something he seems to wish to delegate.

Original poster
Cantbedoingwithit1 · 20/08/2022 10:05

SunnyD44 · 20/08/2022 09:57

I've taken older children and a toddler to the same theme park separately.

@RedWingBoots
I do agree that they should go separately.

DH should take them during the summer holidays as their treat and OP should take the youngest out of season as planned.

And I've no problem with doing this. He's had the whole summer break to take them if he was so bothered. It's only now he knows I'm taking DD that he gives a shit. That's what is annoying. I've never said he can't take DSC separately.

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 20/08/2022 10:09

He doesn’t sound very bright. Zero emotional intelligence. All the problems stem from this.

fufflecake · 20/08/2022 10:10

Cantbedoingwithit1 · 20/08/2022 10:05

And I've no problem with doing this. He's had the whole summer break to take them if he was so bothered. It's only now he knows I'm taking DD that he gives a shit. That's what is annoying. I've never said he can't take DSC separately.

Show quote history

There was someone recently (apologies if it was you OP) who wanted to take their DC to Disney and all of a sudden their "D"P piped up to say the DSC needed to go too. Its utterly ridiculous and he's just being lazy

rnsaslkih · 20/08/2022 10:12

Tell him it is not your fault that him and his ex got divorced when they had 2 kids.

also entertaining 11,8,3 is bloody difficult. Even the 11&8 will be in different age ranges for things. I took my dc somewhere today which is for 10+ for example. He perhaps doesn’t get it as maybe he did none of the parenting/arranging/mental load when the dsc were younger. Perhaps he’s just managing to put on a good enough impression of having done it. But nobody who’s actually done it thinks that just adding on differently aged kids is easy or stress free.

rnsaslkih · 20/08/2022 10:12

Perhaps ask him why your dd has to pay for the mistakes of him/his ex

Hemax1 · 20/08/2022 10:17

It seems like your DH in his head needs to feel like he is being ‘fair’ to all his children - so all do the same activities ( same money spent on them etc) but he appears to be forgetting the the other 2 children will also be doing activities with their mother - which your child should be doing too. As you say he feels guilty - probably for time spent and also money spent on each of his kids and in his head your child together gets ‘more’ ( overall not true).

could a diagram outlining how your child together could actually possibly be disadvantaged by his thinking work - so listing all the activities that you’ve all done together, everything that DSC have done with mum, and everything that you do with your child - then Cover up what he wants you to stop doing ? It might help him see that in that respect he’s being unreasonable.

I can understand DH being a little upset if you’ve booked an activity he was hoping to take all to, with just your daughter… with no provision about if or when they get to go. Perhaps take charge, book for you and your daughter - but also book a separate day with the rest of the family. Basically emphasise meeting the friend with your daughter and then the ‘ I know DSC wanted to go so I’ve also booked for us all to go on this day when we have them.’ That might start to help with the ex if you have definite plans and bookings to be adhered to too.

good luck ! Tricky situation managing your DH guilt regarding his DSC - but you do need some tools to help him see that not letting you take your DD out when you don’t have DSC is ridiculous !

good luck

WimpoleHat · 20/08/2022 10:17

He's had the whole summer break to take them if he was so bothered. It's only now he knows I'm taking DD that he gives a shit. That's what is annoying. I've never said he can't take DSC separately.

Repeat this. On a loop. He can book to take them when it’s his weekend to have them; you’ll do something else with DD.

IzzyNeedsHelp · 20/08/2022 10:18

rnsaslkih · 20/08/2022 10:12

Tell him it is not your fault that him and his ex got divorced when they had 2 kids.

also entertaining 11,8,3 is bloody difficult. Even the 11&8 will be in different age ranges for things. I took my dc somewhere today which is for 10+ for example. He perhaps doesn’t get it as maybe he did none of the parenting/arranging/mental load when the dsc were younger. Perhaps he’s just managing to put on a good enough impression of having done it. But nobody who’s actually done it thinks that just adding on differently aged kids is easy or stress free.

@rnsaslkih

Yeah but this is the nature of blended families. If you can’t put your partners other children on equal footing as your own with him then you shouldn’t be having children with a man who has children by another woman.

user77468264 · 20/08/2022 10:21

I completely agree with you!!
I could have actually written this except my DH is great with this. It is my MIL that is ramming the blended family down our throats. It works well for everyone involved yet she makes comments if we dare to do anything with my DS when DSS is at his mothers.
I'm sure she expects us all to sit in silence waiting for the return of the golden boy.

Aside from that, DSS is great and doesn't make any comments and isn't bothered. We all have a nice relationship. He has great days out with his mum and with us.

fufflecake · 20/08/2022 10:22

IzzyNeedsHelp · 20/08/2022 10:18

@rnsaslkih

Yeah but this is the nature of blended families. If you can’t put your partners other children on equal footing as your own with him then you shouldn’t be having children with a man who has children by another woman.

Show quote history

No He has to worry about that not OP

Flatandhappy · 20/08/2022 10:23

I would tell your DH that if he keeps treating you like a doormat in order to make his life easier he will soon have two exs to deal with. You are so not being unreasonable.

TooHotToTangoToo · 20/08/2022 10:26

Being fair doesn't always mean doing the same things for each child. If you had two dc and one wasn't in school, you'd still take the younger dc to 'the place' with your friend, and arrange a time to take the older dc on a weekend, probably without your youngest so you didn't have to split between the older and younger section.

Yanbu about your dc being the priority, that's absolutely right and correct. Your dh is being v unreasonable

dementedmummy · 20/08/2022 10:26

Just so i am cleae:

  • DH has 2 children with former partner *you have 1 child with DH *DH ex wife weaponises the children if she doesn't get her way
  • DH understandably wants to spend time with them
  • when its DHs turn, he actually doesn't want to plan what to do with his 3 children and wants you to do it
  • dh will jump to the whim of the ex to take the kids but expects you not him to drop everything to look after them
  • you are told to do an activity another day if the step kids arrive but when you go to do that activity another day you still aren't allowed to do it in case the step kids feel they are missing out even though they aren't being left behind because they are with their mother Honey, you are now in a no win situation. I think i would be reassessing my relationship with dh and would be going down the line of pick ex wife rules or mine and move on or out of the relationship accordingly. He has a warped sense of boundaries. Good luck 🍀
Darkstar4855 · 20/08/2022 10:28

YANBU OP. Your partner is taking advantage of your good nature in order to indulge the whims of his ex.

I think you need to put some firm boundaries in e.g. if you have plans to take your daughter to see your family and he agrees to have the step children at the last minute say “sorry, you’ll have to take the say off work then as I’ve already got plans.”. It’ll be tough in the short term but it’s the only way you’ll get any respect. It’s probably not very nice for his children to feel like neither of their parents can be bothered to have them so you’ll be doing them a favour too.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 20/08/2022 10:29

He is a lazy cunt and a bully. He knows exactly what he is doing when he accuses you of not loving the DSC - and he is deliberately emotionally abusing you in order to get you to do his parenting for him. This prince of a father is also entirely willing for your joint child to be disadvantaged at every turn in order to facilitate his fucking lazy parenting and to use your love for your child as a stick to beat you with. Do not stand for it. Call him out every time, otherwise your child is going to have the second class life that he has lined up for her.

SunnyD44 · 20/08/2022 10:29

But Sunny that would require the DH to step up and parent his SC, something he seems to wish to delegate.

Something that you’d think someone with 3 DCs by 2 different women would know how to do by now.

What was he like before the youngest came along?
Did he parent his older children then or did he expect you to do it all?

EveningOverRooftops · 20/08/2022 10:32

Cantbedoingwithit1 · 20/08/2022 10:05

And I've no problem with doing this. He's had the whole summer break to take them if he was so bothered. It's only now he knows I'm taking DD that he gives a shit. That's what is annoying. I've never said he can't take DSC separately.

Show quote history

The problem isn’t you taking DD out.

the problem is you’re ‘showing him up’ to be a pretty crappy parent.

his DSC have two parents. Him and his ex. Either of them could plan their take the children to a theme park.

your DD has two parents. You and him. Either of you could take DD to the theme park.

out of the three of you it’s only you taking your Child to any theme park, making a point to do activities and spend quality time together.

the DSC parents should be putting similar effort into their own children before demanding you do the same.

LuaDipa · 20/08/2022 10:32

Cantbedoingwithit1 · 20/08/2022 10:05

And I've no problem with doing this. He's had the whole summer break to take them if he was so bothered. It's only now he knows I'm taking DD that he gives a shit. That's what is annoying. I've never said he can't take DSC separately.

Show quote history

I feel for the dsc that he doesn’t actually care enough to plan things for them, he just expects you to sort everything. I would honestly just take a complete step back. Going forward if plans change he has to accommodate it. It’s far too easy for him to put the responsibility on you when they are his dc. He’s very selfish, and it’s not only unfair on you it’s unfair on the kids who I’m sure would love some quality time doing these things with their ddad.

MsTSwift · 20/08/2022 10:33

Admittedly we had a few laughs when my lovely friends crap former Dh was dumped by his much younger new partner as - you guessed it - he was crap dad to their toddler second time around too…who’d have thunk it

MWNA · 20/08/2022 10:34

"What kind of fucked up advice is that?"

Hilarious, that's what.

fufflecake · 20/08/2022 10:34

Alternatively start charging him per day. At Market rate.

bringbackveronicamars · 20/08/2022 10:36

Perhaps you should be blunt at this point: he's going to have 2 sets of children visiting him EOW if he doesn't stop this madness, because you are not going to stay in a relationship where he thinks you're supposed to treat someone else's children identically to your own at own. Fairness doesn't mean everything is the same.

LuaDipa · 20/08/2022 10:37

IzzyNeedsHelp · 20/08/2022 10:18

@rnsaslkih

Yeah but this is the nature of blended families. If you can’t put your partners other children on equal footing as your own with him then you shouldn’t be having children with a man who has children by another woman.

Show quote history

Tosh.

The df can’t be arsed with his own dc so he’s expecting op to be the default parent when the kids are at theirs. That’s clearly not in the dsc’s best interests. They are there to spend time with their ddad, not their step mum. Every time he passes the buck to op
hes showing those kids just how unimportant they are to him. Op is absolutely right not to facilitate this, those kids deserve better.

Stupidlydupidly · 20/08/2022 10:39

Regardless of anything else, your DH shouldn't be making plans for you on on your behalf.

If his ex wants to change plans, he needs to think 'can I look after SDC that day?' and plan accordingly. And take you out of the equation.

It's not up to you to placate his ex, he needs to manage that relationship himself.

It's just not up to your partner to plan your time, when he's not there.