Told DH my DC will ALWAYS be my priority

[Cantbedoingwithit1]

This has been a bubbling argument between DH and I who share one child and he has older DC too from a previous relationship.

I'm so sick of feeling suffocated since our DD was born whenever I try to just be a normal mother.

I feel like I can't do anything with or for DD without it being questioned. Since she was born his guilt surrounding DSC has gone into overdrive. Everything must be about them or include them in some way.

Things like me taking DD away on holiday with a friend because he didn't want to (we couldn't afford this year to go abroad in school holidays), I wanted to take her before she is also stuck with school holidays in a little over a year. That was "unfair", basically anything like that.

It started last night because I've booked to take DD out for the day somewhere DSC would enjoy when they are back at school. (I'm off a couple of days in the week with her so like to do things then)

It is somewhere DSC have asked to go before however, it's split into sort of two things so there's a large section for young children and then there's also a large section for older children and adults. So all going together we'd end up split up or I'd end up dragging DD around the adults section of the place and she wouldn't get to enjoy it (or vice versa although it would never happen the other way around as all days out with DSC revolve around them).

My friend had some vouchers to use there so I got tickets cheaper too and I'm going with her and her younger DC.

But apparently it's cruel because I know DSC want to go (yeah...not to the toddler part!).

He always expects me to prioritise them even if it disadvantages DD. He and his ex are constantly changing plans and often he'll agree to have them when he knows he's not going to be there all day but I am and just expect me to take them wherever I'm going. If I don't want to or have plans I get accused of just disliking them and why is it a problem taking them with me etc.. for example on a Saturday, if he's working, I might arrange to take DD to see my family and then all of a sudden DSC will be here (unbeknown to me because he never discusses it with me) and then I'm just expected to take them too and have no problem with it.

Sometimes I just want to see my own family by ourselves or go on a day out by ourselves!

Anyway, he started with it again last night about how I treat DD differently (yes, because she's my child..) and how it's so obvious she's all I'm bothered about and how he needs me to love his kids and basically I shouted at him that YES DD WILL ALWAYS BE MY PRIORITY OVER HIS KIDS. And now we're not talking.

He's driving me mad with this. A lot of the time he's a good husband and father but others the guilt he has over DSC completely clouds his judgement. It wasn't like this before DD.

It's making me completely resentful of everything about being a step parent to the point I hate DSC being here because the whole vibe changes, he changes. It makes me not want to do a single thing for DSC in protest almost.

Anyway, rant over. Driving me mad. I just want to be a mother to my fucking child for Christs sake.

This isn't OP's fault though. The DSC have two parents who should be the ones any anger is directed at. They are the ones outsourcing their parenting.

No, they are not OPs biological children but she did choose to get into a relationship with someone who has children and that will always be a package deal. and OP has not said at any point that she doesn't want the DSC around. Just that she doesn't want to be the one looking after them at the detriment of her own child. This is a perfectly reasonable stance. The "package deal" doesn't necessarily include being a 3rd parent.

This is emotional abuse.

He's bullying you into doing what he wants under the threat of having a tantrum to get his own way. There's no reason why his kids should be dragged along to your parents. Where is he while that's happening?

It really sounds like he has all the power in the relationship, which seems incredibly common on threads on here with dynamics much like this.

I have simply told my DP that I don't want to look after DSS on my own so he needs to be there (it would be a once in a blue moon emergency that I did) and he has simply had to accept that is my stance. The "good enough reason" you've mentioned lots of times is that I don't want to. Similarly, he knows I view DSS very differently to DD and can't simply say "I need you to love him etc etc" because he does not hold that power. It certainly wouldn't occur to him to suggest we not do things while DSS isn't around with DD, though this is his own approach as much as mine!

Your DP seems to have all the power over you. Does it matter if it "causes an issue" with him? Are you worried about losing the relationship and willing to put up with him bossing you around, to keep it?

If I were you I would just say fuck it and stop indulging any of it, but that's because I would rather not have this relationship, than have it on these terms.

YANBU and he needs to be doing things with the DSC away from you and the shared child too and things with all the children but without you.

DSC do often feel left out when their dad starts a new family so it’s important that HE makes an extra effort with them - that doesn’t mean that you should stop doing things though.

It sounds like he wants you to make less effort with the shared child as he can’t be bothered making more effort with his older DCs.

However, I do agree with him about you going to the place that the DSC want to go.

I do think that’s very unfair and I don’t understand why the DSC haven’t gone already.
I would tell DH to take them during their summer holidays.
Do you mind saying what it is?

OP, you should always start a thread like this with 'I am a mother to my SC' then you get all the frothers attack you for that and get reasonable answers to your actual question.

You are not the SC mother, they come to spend time with their dad.
Also and this annoys me, what about all the experiences the SC have had prior to you DD being born. To be fair she should do exactly what they have done, or doesn't it work that way.

Agree about your will, and in MN tradition I'd consider lining up some water fowl.

I agree that the power is skewed in his favour. He’s making you responsible for managing the issues with his ex. It doesn’t make things easier for you to have to rearrange your life and look after his children; it makes it easier for him because he doesn’t have to do it or negotiate with his ex. It’s all fine so long as the work and the responsibility fall to you. And you’re the one who must be unreasonable for objecting to this.

In many of these situations the difficult ex is actually difficult because she’s getting the other end of the same shit you’re dealing with. It’s very often always the women’s fault and there’s a poor, confused ‘nice guy’ in the middle who doesn’t understand why these awful women are just being so difficult.

It’s interesting how he jumps to ‘oh it’s because you hate them’ argument if you don’t do exactly as he wants.

he is using your kindness and soft heart to make you do what he wants.

Yeah in my will everything goes to DD and I've also got a life insurance policy with her solely as the beneficiary too with people other than DH as the trustees!

Yes. Yet he doesn't gave to look after them himself.. Maybe he hates them?

what he doesn’t realise is that the way he’s acting about everything is exactly the ground in which resentment grows. If he wants you to feel extremely negative about the SC (and him!), he’s doing all the right things.

This 100%

Explain to DH that the blood relation hit is irrelevant. This is how families with school age kids and toddlers work.

Then tell him to give you dates for when he wants to do family things with his kids and you'll make sure you don't plan anything for those days.

Puts the ball firmly in his court.

I do have to be honest that your initial post made it seem like you really didn't like your SC and them joining in full stop but your posts since are clear that's not what the issue is.

So my advice would be to make sure you are clear with DH what the actual issue is or this isn't going it get better.

However, I do agree with him about you going to the place that the DSC want to go.

So OP can't ever go anywhere with her DD that the SC want to go? She isn't even going with her DH she is going with a friend. Plus the age gap is big, I wouldn't take a 3 year old and an 11 year old to somewhere like Alton Towers as their needs are so different and it is a waste of time and money to drag the 11 year old around Cbeebies and to make the 3 year old watch when in the adult park.

I do think that’s very unfair and I don’t understand why the DSC haven’t gone already.
I would tell DH to take them during their summer holidays.

What? 'I would tell' why is it OPs job to tell the SC father to take them. He needs to step up, he needs to take them. A pp seems to have summed it up well

It sounds like he wants you to make less effort with the shared child as he can’t be bothered making more effort with his older DCs

And as for the not telling you that you are babysitting and just expecting you to look after the SC without any discussion, fuck that for a game of soldiers .

Sound very hard on you, OP. I understand what you feel and very rightly so. Your husband could benefit from having psychotherapy to deal with his guilt re broken marriage and split parenting.

OP you have a DH problem.

You also have a problem putting in boundaries in your relationships.

My DP knew when I met him that I was a step-child and had lots of siblings of different ages. So when I made it clear I wasn't going to look after his DC except on rare occasions he never kicked off because he knew I had lived it.

When his ex started causing problems over when he could see his DC he was glad I put my boundaries. Why? His DC could clearly say it was him caring for them not me, so when he wasn't available no one was available.

Other posters have told you what to do to help enforce your boundaries.

If his children are then dumped on you while he is at work and you are going out then take action to enforce him to look after them. So drive them to his workplace and leave them with security or reception, then immediately leave.

I was dumped on my dad in this way a couple of times. It was fun for me but not my dad. He then quickly learnt to rope in other family friends or relatives to look after me in advance. Only my mum got my SM to look after me as my SM had firm boundaries that she had to be personally asked to and would only do so in emergencies.

I don't think you are doing anything wrong by taking your DD to do things just the 2 of you, or with friends.

It seems like you and he have very different expectations for the blended family dynamic. I'm not sure that they can be resolved. I think you need some couples counselling to sort this.

Otherwise, divorce him. Then you can do what you like with your own DD and you will never be responsible or have yo feel guilty about tge SDc.

Think of an activity, young soft play that requires booking, visiting a friend with a new baby, anything the dsc wouldn't be suitable for. And have it on the back burner.
If he asks vaguely what your plans are, be vague back ' oh I'll have to check'

I think on the back of this row I'd carry it on, in for a penny... 'dh I love your ch very much but YOU are making the relationship very hard. So I've decided to set boundaries, if you ask (nicely) before Friday, if I can have your older ch, then as long as it doesn't disadvantage our ds then I will happily. If you give me grief and try to change my plans then unfortunately you will have to do childcare for your children. I and our ds will not be taken advantage of by you and your ex'

Is this sarcasm? I hope so

I don’t think doing all that work to engineer situations where you can’t do his childcare is the way to go. That’s a huge amount of work and doesn’t address the issue.

It’s much better to assert the boundary. You aren’t looking after them for him even if your plan for the time was sitting in your pyjamas watching tv.

Think of an activity, young soft play that requires booking, visiting a friend with a new baby, anything the dsc wouldn't be suitable for. And have it on the back burner.

I'd get asked why I can't do this another time. It's not imperative I go to soft play that day so why can't I go another time when DSC aren't here.

@SunnyD44 it is not unfair.

I've taken older children and a toddler to the same theme park separately.

There is a difference in what they are able to do and the ticket prices.

Toddlers go free during term time with a full price adult. However the adult ticket is a few pounds cheaper.

Older children have to be paid regardless and in the school holidays there are various vouchers to get the cost down.

Toddlers have specific attractions and a handful of rides aimed at them. The toddler has to go with an adult on nearly all the rides.

Older children of 8+ if they are tall enough can go on all the adult rides and don't have to be accompanied. However no one would leave children under secondary age in a theme park without adult supervision.

There are two rides that are cross over but that's about it.

So if you go in a group with mixed aged children you need at least two adults. So if the OP went with her husband and SC, they wouldn't spend very much time together.

That’s why just saying ‘no’ is important.

it might be easiest for him but it is not ok for you. And you matter. Since he won’t consider you and your needs on his own, you need to be really clear with your boundaries to make sure your needs are met.

Next time he does it I'd tell him you have an appointment with a lawyer and then go out. Anywhere you want. If he gets shitty, tell him its a divorce lawyer and watch him start to behave better (for a while at least).

He's being an ass. I am a firm believer in step mums being involved in the care of SC and being able to help out with care. But with the same respect one would give to another human being - checking its ok, informing in advance, accepting that you might have plans, not expecting you to drop everything all the time.
Even those of us for whom all the DC are our own do seperate things with each of them, and age appropriate things. Fair doesn't mean everyone always does the same things together. 8 & 11 yr olds will be bored to death doing most things that a 3yo will absolutely love. And vice versa. Fair means giving the children what they need - and this includes a dad who steps up and is a dad. Not a dad who expects his new wife to do his job for him.

Sod him OP. You have a DC, and you are entitled (and expected) to have a bond with them, to go and do things just for the pair of you.

Because why should you.

He is a dick.

I've taken older children and a toddler to the same theme park separately.

@RedWingBoots
I do agree that they should go separately.

DH should take them during the summer holidays as their treat and OP should take the youngest out of season as planned.