Told DH my DC will ALWAYS be my priority

[Cantbedoingwithit1]

This has been a bubbling argument between DH and I who share one child and he has older DC too from a previous relationship.

I'm so sick of feeling suffocated since our DD was born whenever I try to just be a normal mother.

I feel like I can't do anything with or for DD without it being questioned. Since she was born his guilt surrounding DSC has gone into overdrive. Everything must be about them or include them in some way.

Things like me taking DD away on holiday with a friend because he didn't want to (we couldn't afford this year to go abroad in school holidays), I wanted to take her before she is also stuck with school holidays in a little over a year. That was "unfair", basically anything like that.

It started last night because I've booked to take DD out for the day somewhere DSC would enjoy when they are back at school. (I'm off a couple of days in the week with her so like to do things then)

It is somewhere DSC have asked to go before however, it's split into sort of two things so there's a large section for young children and then there's also a large section for older children and adults. So all going together we'd end up split up or I'd end up dragging DD around the adults section of the place and she wouldn't get to enjoy it (or vice versa although it would never happen the other way around as all days out with DSC revolve around them).

My friend had some vouchers to use there so I got tickets cheaper too and I'm going with her and her younger DC.

But apparently it's cruel because I know DSC want to go (yeah...not to the toddler part!).

He always expects me to prioritise them even if it disadvantages DD. He and his ex are constantly changing plans and often he'll agree to have them when he knows he's not going to be there all day but I am and just expect me to take them wherever I'm going. If I don't want to or have plans I get accused of just disliking them and why is it a problem taking them with me etc.. for example on a Saturday, if he's working, I might arrange to take DD to see my family and then all of a sudden DSC will be here (unbeknown to me because he never discusses it with me) and then I'm just expected to take them too and have no problem with it.

Sometimes I just want to see my own family by ourselves or go on a day out by ourselves!

Anyway, he started with it again last night about how I treat DD differently (yes, because she's my child..) and how it's so obvious she's all I'm bothered about and how he needs me to love his kids and basically I shouted at him that YES DD WILL ALWAYS BE MY PRIORITY OVER HIS KIDS. And now we're not talking.

He's driving me mad with this. A lot of the time he's a good husband and father but others the guilt he has over DSC completely clouds his judgement. It wasn't like this before DD.

It's making me completely resentful of everything about being a step parent to the point I hate DSC being here because the whole vibe changes, he changes. It makes me not want to do a single thing for DSC in protest almost.

Anyway, rant over. Driving me mad. I just want to be a mother to my fucking child for Christs sake.

And not necessarily on the same weekend

What is 'the nature of blended families', never being allowed to do something with your own child without a guilt trip about it? Being dumped with DSC at the drop of a hat?

Why is that the accepted nature of blended families? It's not the nature of nuclear families ime.

He really doesn’t respect you. Expecting you to drop everything because he’d rather upset you than his ex is so wrong. When you’ve both calmed down a bit, I’d suggest you try to talk to him about what you’d like to happen in future.

1. You being asked before agreeing to look after DSC and accepting you saying no if it isn’t convenient without an argument from him
2. Agreeing that your 3 year old can do activities, outings, holidays and family visits without her older siblings
3. Him getting counselling to deal with his extreme guilt about the divorce

If he won’t discuss any of the above I’d be considering divorce.

It wasn't like this before DD.

When you say this, what exactly do you mean?

Is it because of his ex pulled a timetable change he’d have to sort it himself/with family because you’d have been working FT?

Did he do things independently with his DC without you then, or did you always have to be there as an extra parent?

YANBU. Men in this situation seem to be outraged enough to expect the stepmum to go out of their way of his kids, but not outraged enough to do it himself. Why doesn’t he book annual leave and take them?

Your duty is to not get in the way of DH forming a relationship with DSC and helping ensure that your home environment is warm and welcoming to them when they visit. It isn't to be a skivvy babysitter at the whim of your DH or his ex and it isn't to sacrifice your own dd's happiness. Tell your husband that if he plans days out for all of you then you'll gladly go but you're not his on call nanny and he can get f*£kd if he things you're denying your daughter experiences because of the kids he ultimately created and is responsible for.

Ask him if he expects the mother of his other children to never do anything with her children because it's not fair on your daughter that her siblings get to do stuff she doesn't.
Ask him to explain why he won't put a stop to it. Why doesn't he insist they prioritise his child with you.
Use his own exact words back at him until he is unable to come up with a logical response.

Then tell him that a mother of a child is allowed to spend time with their child. To go places with their child.

That his children do things with their mother that your child is not part of and your child does things with her mother that they are not part of and there are things that all the siblings do together and that is fine and it is equal and if he doesn't pack it in then he'll have children with two exes that he has to feel guilty about.

What is his ex's situation, does she have a new partner? It would be interesting if her partner also has kids whether he is also expected to take his DSC along on every outing or whether he is permitted time alone with his children. As this all sounds very sexist, DH just expects you to drop everything and have his kids unless you have a "good enough reason"

Have you posted about this before? There was a thread here only a few weeks ago with exactly the same issues, even the same examples. If you did, the advice isn't going to change, and neither is he.

You don't want your step children to be in your family's life
No, she just doesn't want their needs to crowd her child out of her own life. She wants the children's father to consider them all equally, not just what the elder ones need or want.
Honestly, what a leap. 🙄

When he says "my kids would like to do that" say "then why haven't you planned to take them." Or "great, you arrange a time for us all to go and we can all go another time too"

They're not your kids, I really don't think it's your job to change your plans to keep the harmony him from having to actually coparent with his ex.

No her DH doesn't seem to want them to have a life if it doesn't involve DSC. Which is different.

Does you husband not realise that his 2 oldest children have a whole other family that they do fun stuff with that his youngest is excluded from? Does he think that's also unfair?

You need to stick to your guns for her sake. The fact that she is a girl makes me also wonder if this is part of his casual sexism that the world revolves around him and females just need to fall into line or have second best.

Does he spend any time alone with his children or does he always expect you to be there?

He is putting you in such a difficult position because he is almost forcing you to chose your child over his ( so she doesn't get completely sidelined), when clearly you don't want to.

You've posted about this a lot before haven't you? Doesn't seem like much is changing

Have you asked your DH why it's acceptable for him to want to please the EX wife while disrespecting his current wife's wishes?

There are so many of these posts about DH/DP and DSC...most of which entail the current DW/DP having to put up with catering for DC they never gave birth to.
I find it really strange that anyone would want to cause arguments in a household they share with their DP/DC all because they don't have the balls to stand up to the EX.

OP I'm one that to an extent believes if you meet someone with DSC there's got to be a bit of give but this is one case where your DH and his EX are taking the piss.
I'd be more inclined to question why he puts his EX's wishes before yours....and to me a peaceful life don't cut it especially if that peaceful life is at your expense....yet again your DH showing you lack of respect.

You are pure evil. How would you like it if your parents “phased you out” as a kid?! I hope you have no step kids.

Likely why he’s divorced in the first place and why ex is so pissed off.

Relate, I reckon. It’s a DH problem, but he won’t see it unless someone else tells him. Preferably a man. He thinks he ‘lost’ his family because he didn’t ‘do things with the children’ whereas in fact it’s because he wasn’t an equal partner in parenting and expected his wife to do the heavy lifting. He’s still expecting you to be the default parent, so he’s still not getting it.

I get your point OP.

If DSC are at school and you friend got you discount tickets to Cbeebies land or something and DSC ARENT EVEN WITH YOU then of course you can go with your DD.

Unfair would be if you had DSC for the night and ordered Mcdonalds for you, DH and DD and then made them eat gruel instead.

I have a teen, a toddler and a baby all full siblings and often we do something with just one of them, like take teenager to a football match (the younger 2 wouldnt care or sit still) or take younger 2 to a play area (teen is too big, not interested) sometimes we take teen + toddler to cinema to see something like minions (but not baby because shes would just wriggle and twist or sleep) etc...

i don’t agree with having to only do things when all the children are together. All the children will have different opportunities because they live in different households and that’s reasonable. It’s also reasonable to discuss the arrangements for visiting. OP shouldn’t be left to do the bill all
the time. In my mind when the children visit it should be a family weekend. That said I do think people underestimate the complexities of blended families. The saddest thing reading these comments is the way these poor kids come across as an inconvenience and that step mum shouldn’t really be involved. I’m so fortunate that my DSM wasn’t like that, she treated me as her own and never made me feel like the baggage my step dads family did. I was told consistently that my brothers and I were fortunate someone put up with us. All these adults need to have a serious discussion about proper boundaries, there’s no need for anyone to be taken advantage of but at the same time none of these children asked for the situation.

It's not a blended family problem or even a tosser ex problem.

Your problem is a DH who doesn't respect you.

His needs - to have an easy life with ex, to not feel guilty about his DS, to not be inconvenienced by his children or wife - they all come before your needs.

I'm afraid he is very unlikely to change and you may need to have plan b without him up your sleeve.

PS it may be the ex is 'difficult' about arrangements because she knows he will relegate and disrespect her wishes if she isn't. (Of course it's all at your cost)

She doesn’t want to be relegated to the utterly diminished stepmother role in her own child’s life.

I am so glad that as the youngest child in a blended family, my parents prioritised our sibling bond and treated us childrend all the same. I adore my big brothers and we are all very close as adults. Our mother died a long time ago, but our family life still revolves around my dad (their stepdad) because of his warm and unconditional acceptance of my brothers.

Families are a long game.

OP you need to have this conversation with your DH. 'DH, this situation cannot go on, I understand that you feel guilty that you're not with DSC full time but you are making me, and by extension our DD, suffer for that when it's not our fault. By refusing to allow outings like this (the theme park) you are directly and unfairly disadvantaging your third child because you feel guilty about no longer living with DSC full time, and that is a million times more unfair than DD and I going without DSC. I can't sit by and let you make our DD feel second best, you are setting her up for a damaged, resentful relationship with both you and DSC in the future because soon she will be old enough to see that she isn't allowed to do anything when DSC aren't here and that it's you who dictates that.'

He won't like it because his guilt is entrenched but if he's a good man/dad he will realise what he's doing to DD and what you've said will eventually sink in. And that's your starting point to tackle the other issues, you can point out when his assumption that you will provide childcare would prevent you doing stuff with DD and use that to gradually gain some control over how unscheduled time with DSC is managed. In other words it will become necessary to ask you rather than just assume you will do it and that will mean he has to get used to both hearing 'no' from you and also saying no to his ex.

Btw, if DH doesn't have a formal CAO it would be a good idea for him to get one, if his contact is formalised it gives him some control over the 'if you don't change plans to suit me I'll stop you seeing them' shit from his ex. Worth its weight in gold in my (considerable!) experience and will help immensely with his feelings of powerlessness around his relationship with DSC.

What did I just read??????? Change the numbers on his phone? They’re his children! That’s nothing short of evil and divorce-inducing!