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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Told DH my DC will ALWAYS be my priority

339 replies

Cantbedoingwithit1 · 20/08/2022 07:34

This has been a bubbling argument between DH and I who share one child and he has older DC too from a previous relationship.

I'm so sick of feeling suffocated since our DD was born whenever I try to just be a normal mother.

I feel like I can't do anything with or for DD without it being questioned. Since she was born his guilt surrounding DSC has gone into overdrive. Everything must be about them or include them in some way.

Things like me taking DD away on holiday with a friend because he didn't want to (we couldn't afford this year to go abroad in school holidays), I wanted to take her before she is also stuck with school holidays in a little over a year. That was "unfair", basically anything like that.

It started last night because I've booked to take DD out for the day somewhere DSC would enjoy when they are back at school. (I'm off a couple of days in the week with her so like to do things then)

It is somewhere DSC have asked to go before however, it's split into sort of two things so there's a large section for young children and then there's also a large section for older children and adults. So all going together we'd end up split up or I'd end up dragging DD around the adults section of the place and she wouldn't get to enjoy it (or vice versa although it would never happen the other way around as all days out with DSC revolve around them).

My friend had some vouchers to use there so I got tickets cheaper too and I'm going with her and her younger DC.

But apparently it's cruel because I know DSC want to go (yeah...not to the toddler part!).

He always expects me to prioritise them even if it disadvantages DD. He and his ex are constantly changing plans and often he'll agree to have them when he knows he's not going to be there all day but I am and just expect me to take them wherever I'm going. If I don't want to or have plans I get accused of just disliking them and why is it a problem taking them with me etc.. for example on a Saturday, if he's working, I might arrange to take DD to see my family and then all of a sudden DSC will be here (unbeknown to me because he never discusses it with me) and then I'm just expected to take them too and have no problem with it.

Sometimes I just want to see my own family by ourselves or go on a day out by ourselves!

Anyway, he started with it again last night about how I treat DD differently (yes, because she's my child..) and how it's so obvious she's all I'm bothered about and how he needs me to love his kids and basically I shouted at him that YES DD WILL ALWAYS BE MY PRIORITY OVER HIS KIDS. And now we're not talking.

He's driving me mad with this. A lot of the time he's a good husband and father but others the guilt he has over DSC completely clouds his judgement. It wasn't like this before DD.

It's making me completely resentful of everything about being a step parent to the point I hate DSC being here because the whole vibe changes, he changes. It makes me not want to do a single thing for DSC in protest almost.

Anyway, rant over. Driving me mad. I just want to be a mother to my fucking child for Christs sake.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/08/2022 08:01

I would start marking days on your shared/family calendars when you can't have the DC and if he agrees to have them it's him having them. Every time you make plans where it isn't appropriate or possible to take the DSC along block them out in red or something.

Can you imagine if he had plans with his friends and you told him oh you have to take all 3 DC with you.

I think you need couplers therapy TBH otherwise your relationship is going to be end. He doesn't see your point of view and both he and his ex treat you as default carer for the DSC.

You have several threads and nothing is changing.

bloodyunicorns · 20/08/2022 08:01

He is being VU. His dc have two parents to arrange things for them and do things with them. If he wants to take his dc anywhere he should arrange it.

You need to sit down with him and clearly set out your boundaries. No more using you for free, last-minute childcare. No more including his dc in everything you do with your dc.

Maybe counselling for his guilt would help him?

Good luck.

WimpoleHat · 20/08/2022 08:01

DD is 3, DSC are 8 & 11

The age gaps here make it very difficult to find things all three kids would enjoy together. So he’s completely unreasonable to object to your taking your child to soft play or the like. And you can’t take a three year old to lots of films etc that would appeal to an 11 year old. He needs to adjust his expectations on that. And that’s before his expectations of childcare, which are completely U…..

Summergirl5 · 20/08/2022 08:04

You have posted about this before ,I recognise it
your doing nothing wrong
ofcourse your dd comes first ,just as the step children come first to their mum
and all 3 come first to your dh.
the step children are not your responsibility,,you are not their parent
they should not be coming over if your dh is not there ,if they are ,it’s just for childcare .
your dh should only have them over when he is there .
i think this needs spelling out to your dh
his kids …his responsibility …not yours .
he’s just trying to pass the buck ,trying to guilt u in to taking on the grunt work of his kids .

daisychain01 · 20/08/2022 08:04

That's a very difficult age gap to manage. Your DH obviously needs to have things spelt out because he sounds pretty clueless.

along with taking you for granted, expecting you to do all the organisation and logistics for his children. He has to step up and take his responsibilities seriously

huuskymam · 20/08/2022 08:05

He's being a dick. I would often take my toddler out to places when my older two were in school. It never bothered them cause it wasn't age appropriate for them. You need to tell him no more agreeing to changing days unless 1) he's there to parent or 2) he asks you first.

CiderJolly · 20/08/2022 08:08

TitoMojito · 20/08/2022 07:50

What kind of fucked up advice is that?

Show quote history

Isn’t it obvious that it’s a sarcastic post?

CiderJolly · 20/08/2022 08:11

This is a relationship issue isn’t it? @Cantbedoingwithit1

I don’t know how you cope with his attitude, I honestly would be ending things, I couldn’t live like that.

He is a misogynist.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 20/08/2022 08:12

@Cantbedoingwithit1

did you start another thread a little while ago? If not, there are a couple of posters in almost exactly the same position.

your DH's Ex kicks off, so to avoid that he pisses you off to keep HER happy! Err NO. she can't stop him having the kids on his days if he refuses to swap days, back to court if necessary. Tell him you will NOT be looking after his kids if she randomly drops them off & he hasn't even ASKED you, tell him you'll text them both to say you're off out & so the kids will be home alone.(or dropped at her house/his office whatever credible threat you can pull off)

how long were they separated before you two got together? (Did he do much 'looking after' of his own kids, on his own, before he had you to do it?)

I would ask him WHY he thinks YOU Shouldn't do anything with just YOUR DD... how often does his ex wife take your DD on days out??

Have a proper conversation, don't back down. Tell him you like/love them, but they are NOT your responsibility.

ask him why he thinks your DD, his youngest Dd, is a second class citizen in his eyes.

then see what happens, if nothing changes, can you take DD & stay with your parents/siblings/friends, for a couple of weeks until he's ready to step up?

Bollindger · 20/08/2022 08:22

Tell your DH, that you agree the arguments over childcare are stupid.
Tell him going forward he can only accept to do childcare for his time. So if he says yes to his ex, then he must look after the children.
If he wants you to look after the children he must ask you first, before he agrees, otherwise you will just continue on with your plans and leave him with the children.
I think a shared planner with locked in no go areas is a good idea.

Beachsidesunset · 20/08/2022 08:25

OP, it's not working out. I would be making plans to separate. Do you want your daughter's childhood dictated by teenagers with crap parents?

KevinTheKoala · 20/08/2022 08:27

While I do understand your perspective, having been the stepchild who was treated differently (and at times actively disliked) that's really tough on your stepchildren. That is not saying you can't do anything with your DD obviously - they are at school/their other parents and her life doesn't stop, it's also not something that they really would enjoy if the activity is aimed at a different age group. But I do feel like if you are going to get involved with someone with children, you should accept that they are a package deal and accept that they are your family now too.

I don't have a good relationship with my mother at all as an adult and that is hugely down to how my stepdad and his family treated me growing up, and the fact she stood by and allowed it. I am very close to my dad and step mum on the other hand, my step mum treats me just like her biological children (as does my dad to her children) and her family have accepted me into their lives as well.

Grumpypants78 · 20/08/2022 08:30

He's in the wrong but you are enabling him so it won't stop. Why do you agree to look after his kids at short notice? If I were you I'd be unavailable, having to cancel a few shifts at work to look after them might encourage him to put a routine in. This arrangement is convenient for him and his ex, they're both just using your for childcare, put your foot down, if he doesn't like it I'm sure he knows where the door is.

fufflecake · 20/08/2022 08:31

This reply has been deleted

Not in the spirit

This is a joke right?

fufflecake · 20/08/2022 08:33

He is going to absolutely destroy your family and any relationship you have with the DSC at this rate. He needs to calm down and let things be naturally how they are.

fufflecake · 20/08/2022 08:34

Stop looking after his kids. You should never have been asked to in the first place.

Jobsharenightmare · 20/08/2022 08:35

How old were they when you moved in together? Unless you've been in the children's lives since they were babies/toddlers then the dynamic just isn't as he wants. I have been since mine were very little so I include them automatically in everything as if they were mine and have shaped their development, watched them grow etc so am invested and love them deeply.

However your husband seems to see you as a second mother and that you should provide the same care (and childcare) for all, which isn't how you view your family. If you didn't speak about this when married, time to review now I think. Take a step back and when not arguing, talk through how you see your family and roles.

Catfordthefifth · 20/08/2022 08:35

KevinTheKoala · 20/08/2022 08:27

While I do understand your perspective, having been the stepchild who was treated differently (and at times actively disliked) that's really tough on your stepchildren. That is not saying you can't do anything with your DD obviously - they are at school/their other parents and her life doesn't stop, it's also not something that they really would enjoy if the activity is aimed at a different age group. But I do feel like if you are going to get involved with someone with children, you should accept that they are a package deal and accept that they are your family now too.

I don't have a good relationship with my mother at all as an adult and that is hugely down to how my stepdad and his family treated me growing up, and the fact she stood by and allowed it. I am very close to my dad and step mum on the other hand, my step mum treats me just like her biological children (as does my dad to her children) and her family have accepted me into their lives as well.

But when you have an age gap even when they're all biologically yours, this happens. You're basically saying if you're unlucky enough to be the second child you shouldn't do anything nice while the elder one is at school. That's ridiculous and unfair.

fufflecake · 20/08/2022 08:35

Cantbedoingwithit1 · 20/08/2022 07:50

His ex is a pita. She will do things like not let him see them if he refuses to change the days when she wants to go out or things like that or just be incredibly difficult because she's pissed off. So he's said he wants me to just agree because 'its easier and is it really a big deal having DSC by myself every now and then for the sake of harmony'. Feels like I'm just expected to sort out to immature parents issues out because they can't be expected to grow up themselves though.

I think you really need to put your foot down here. Any disagreements between him and his ex are not your problem. She stops him seeing the kids, not your problem he can go to court.

Rainbowqueeen · 20/08/2022 08:37

I’d start with @Bollindger advice.

Refuse to look after them if he is not there. They are coming to spend time with him and for him to be a parent.

If he won’t accept this then I’d reconsider my marriage.

ZooMount · 20/08/2022 08:37

This reply has been deleted

Not in the spirit

😂 I love reading the replies from comments like these. I'm always blown away that anyone can take it seriously but they always do.

MrsOwainGlyndŵr · 20/08/2022 08:41

This reply has been deleted

Not in the spirit

Are you serious? These are his children FFS!!!😮

Seafretfreda · 20/08/2022 08:42

So he wants the little one to miss out? Even though the older ones are in school and wouldn’t want a trip to Peppa Pig World anyway (for example)? What an idiot!

KevinTheKoala · 20/08/2022 08:43

Catfordthefifth · 20/08/2022 08:35

But when you have an age gap even when they're all biologically yours, this happens. You're basically saying if you're unlucky enough to be the second child you shouldn't do anything nice while the elder one is at school. That's ridiculous and unfair.

Show quote history

Not at all, I have an age gap between my children and do things with the younger one while the eldest is at school. I just know how it feels to be treated differently and be 'othered' constantly so I feel quite sympathetic to the step children. When the step children aren't there then obviously OPs DD is the priority I do agree with her in that respect.

HaveYouAnyDreamYoudLikeToSell · 20/08/2022 08:43

This reply has been deleted

Not in the spirit

I'm guessing this is a joke yeah?