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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Told DH my DC will ALWAYS be my priority

339 replies

Cantbedoingwithit1 · 20/08/2022 07:34

This has been a bubbling argument between DH and I who share one child and he has older DC too from a previous relationship.

I'm so sick of feeling suffocated since our DD was born whenever I try to just be a normal mother.

I feel like I can't do anything with or for DD without it being questioned. Since she was born his guilt surrounding DSC has gone into overdrive. Everything must be about them or include them in some way.

Things like me taking DD away on holiday with a friend because he didn't want to (we couldn't afford this year to go abroad in school holidays), I wanted to take her before she is also stuck with school holidays in a little over a year. That was "unfair", basically anything like that.

It started last night because I've booked to take DD out for the day somewhere DSC would enjoy when they are back at school. (I'm off a couple of days in the week with her so like to do things then)

It is somewhere DSC have asked to go before however, it's split into sort of two things so there's a large section for young children and then there's also a large section for older children and adults. So all going together we'd end up split up or I'd end up dragging DD around the adults section of the place and she wouldn't get to enjoy it (or vice versa although it would never happen the other way around as all days out with DSC revolve around them).

My friend had some vouchers to use there so I got tickets cheaper too and I'm going with her and her younger DC.

But apparently it's cruel because I know DSC want to go (yeah...not to the toddler part!).

He always expects me to prioritise them even if it disadvantages DD. He and his ex are constantly changing plans and often he'll agree to have them when he knows he's not going to be there all day but I am and just expect me to take them wherever I'm going. If I don't want to or have plans I get accused of just disliking them and why is it a problem taking them with me etc.. for example on a Saturday, if he's working, I might arrange to take DD to see my family and then all of a sudden DSC will be here (unbeknown to me because he never discusses it with me) and then I'm just expected to take them too and have no problem with it.

Sometimes I just want to see my own family by ourselves or go on a day out by ourselves!

Anyway, he started with it again last night about how I treat DD differently (yes, because she's my child..) and how it's so obvious she's all I'm bothered about and how he needs me to love his kids and basically I shouted at him that YES DD WILL ALWAYS BE MY PRIORITY OVER HIS KIDS. And now we're not talking.

He's driving me mad with this. A lot of the time he's a good husband and father but others the guilt he has over DSC completely clouds his judgement. It wasn't like this before DD.

It's making me completely resentful of everything about being a step parent to the point I hate DSC being here because the whole vibe changes, he changes. It makes me not want to do a single thing for DSC in protest almost.

Anyway, rant over. Driving me mad. I just want to be a mother to my fucking child for Christs sake.

OP posts:
SudocremOnEverything · 22/08/2022 08:09

@mollythedogsmum You are blaming the SM for the entire dynamic. As is standard. But actually have no idea why she took that approach. a stepmum is a great foil in stepfamily life. Everything can be blamed on her and everyone else can pretend that their actions contributed nothing to the dynamic. NR fathers benefit enormously from this.

Catfordthefifth · 22/08/2022 09:01

Jesus Christ. Again, all brilliant examples of the batshittery this board is famed for.

Everyone who thinks "oh the humanity" etc etc dramatic shit, do you genuinely believe that op shouldn't take her toddler out for the day?

If you do, can you actually explain why you think it'll make the DSC hate her and her daughter / have an awful life etc?

Because I'm not sure you all realise how bloody ridiculous you sound.

Also have any of you considered how ops DC might feel having her life stopped when her sibling isn't there? Or have you not considered her feelings?

SudocremOnEverything · 22/08/2022 09:05

No because the child of the second family is not really a person. They don’t have feelings. And they will just be so delighted to associated with the SC that a childhood of it making it clear what the hierarchy is couldn’t possibly have any effect on how they relate to their half siblings later in life.

nope. Even if the relationship is strained, it’ll the the resident child’s mother’s fault. Of course.

Catfordthefifth · 22/08/2022 09:08

SudocremOnEverything · 22/08/2022 09:05

No because the child of the second family is not really a person. They don’t have feelings. And they will just be so delighted to associated with the SC that a childhood of it making it clear what the hierarchy is couldn’t possibly have any effect on how they relate to their half siblings later in life.

nope. Even if the relationship is strained, it’ll the the resident child’s mother’s fault. Of course.

This is so so sad but it definitely is unfortunately the reality of what a lot of people think.

fufflecake · 22/08/2022 09:12

Catfordthefifth · 22/08/2022 09:08

This is so so sad but it definitely is unfortunately the reality of what a lot of people think.

Show quote history

Yup. My DC is definitely just here to entertain the DSC and should be happy their parents haven't split up. The moment anything even slightly detrimental happens to DSC due to DC I have failed as a stepmother and in life. Because you know the first family was there first..

Ducksurprise · 22/08/2022 09:29

Imagine flipping this and making OP into a step dad.

mollythedogsmum · 22/08/2022 10:42

Actually @SudocremOnEverything I wasn't blaming the SM at all. I think I must have misunderstood the original OP rant. It came across as someone who only wanted to take their DD out and not the DSC. I was just cautioning against not taking them all out as a whole blended group. Tbf it is usually the first family that is marginalised in favour of the second family ie children of the first family babysitting/entertaining children of the 2nd family when visiting DF and SM.

Catfordthefifth · 22/08/2022 10:45

mollythedogsmum · 22/08/2022 10:42

Actually @SudocremOnEverything I wasn't blaming the SM at all. I think I must have misunderstood the original OP rant. It came across as someone who only wanted to take their DD out and not the DSC. I was just cautioning against not taking them all out as a whole blended group. Tbf it is usually the first family that is marginalised in favour of the second family ie children of the first family babysitting/entertaining children of the 2nd family when visiting DF and SM.

So you're not blaming her but then go on to say that actually you are? It doesn't read like that at all.

Ime, it's really not. Have you actually experienced this?

aSofaNearYou · 22/08/2022 10:56

mollythedogsmum · 22/08/2022 10:42

Actually @SudocremOnEverything I wasn't blaming the SM at all. I think I must have misunderstood the original OP rant. It came across as someone who only wanted to take their DD out and not the DSC. I was just cautioning against not taking them all out as a whole blended group. Tbf it is usually the first family that is marginalised in favour of the second family ie children of the first family babysitting/entertaining children of the 2nd family when visiting DF and SM.

But OP has explicitly said that they do lots of days out the whole family (this is obviously all her DP will allow) and that those days are always tailored to the older children, with the youngest just being brought along.

So this analysis just doesn't fit this situation at all.

funinthesun19 · 22/08/2022 11:30

I think with some people, they interpret these situations as a big snub against the dsc. Which is of course ridiculous.

SudocremOnEverything · 22/08/2022 11:42

mollythedogsmum · 22/08/2022 10:42

Actually @SudocremOnEverything I wasn't blaming the SM at all. I think I must have misunderstood the original OP rant. It came across as someone who only wanted to take their DD out and not the DSC. I was just cautioning against not taking them all out as a whole blended group. Tbf it is usually the first family that is marginalised in favour of the second family ie children of the first family babysitting/entertaining children of the 2nd family when visiting DF and SM.

But you did - explicitly - blame your SM for the dynamic in your family.

“My step mother took the same view as you and this seriously affected everyone's relationships with each other.”

funinthesun19 · 22/08/2022 11:52

What same view? The view that a preschooler should be able to go to places while older siblings are at school?

My step mother took the same view as you and this seriously affected everyone's relationships with each other.

DadBodAlready · 22/08/2022 12:12

In the first instance you have 3 kids 2 DSC and your DD. At the end of the day you married a divorced father, that was your choice, so he and his DC come as a package deal. However that should not preclude you from doing things with your DD especially if the DSC aren't around and its perfectly understandable that she is your first priority. You just need to balance things and try and organise more with your DD when DSC aren't around.

Catfordthefifth · 22/08/2022 12:14

DadBodAlready · 22/08/2022 12:12

In the first instance you have 3 kids 2 DSC and your DD. At the end of the day you married a divorced father, that was your choice, so he and his DC come as a package deal. However that should not preclude you from doing things with your DD especially if the DSC aren't around and its perfectly understandable that she is your first priority. You just need to balance things and try and organise more with your DD when DSC aren't around.

Did you read the op?

wentworthinmate · 22/08/2022 12:57

Been in your shoes OP years ago. There was no way my partner was allowed to dump his kids on me while he went to work or out. I was not an unpaid baby sitter. They were spoilt little madams and his problem not mine.

SudocremOnEverything · 22/08/2022 13:08

Catfordthefifth · 22/08/2022 12:14

Did you read the op?

Show quote history

or any of the thread…

Same old cliches with absolutely no understanding of the reality or complexity of stepfamilies.

And counter posed with other threads where the focus is on how the SC are not the SM’s children and are must not ‘overstep’ by treating them as such.

😩

SpaceshiptoMars · 22/08/2022 13:15

Reading threads like this, I begin to wonder if these men only agree to having a child with wife no. 2 as a source of body parts should they or their older children require them....

I really need to do something to curb my cynicism!

funinthesun19 · 22/08/2022 14:10

And counter posed with other threads where the focus is on how the SC are not the SM’s children and are must not ‘overstep’ by treating them as such.

I saw that thread too and I thought the exact same thing. You must jump through hoops when the children are little because you chose a man with children. But when they’re adults all you’re required to do is sit in the background, jump up when required and provide some inheritance. Because by then if you make suggestions/come up with ideas or try to get involved in anything it’s just stepping on mum’s toes.

SudocremOnEverything · 22/08/2022 14:18

I don’t even think it’s an adult/small child thing. You’re allowed to do all the shit, hard stuff and to be there to facilitate (and pay for) the things they want. But don’t dare do anything the mum wants to do.

the obvious dissonance around ‘you have three children’ (on this thread) and ‘she’s not their mum’ (on that one) is absolutely classic SP board.

You have three children, so you can do the schools runs and look after than but don’t you dare talk to their teacher about their reading book being too easy for them; you’re not their mother. You have three children, so you must only ever do things that include the two who don’t live with you FT, but you (almost certainly) shouldn’t be doing them at all if the SC’s mother wants to do it with her children.

There is literally no way to navigate that mine field.

Ducksurprise · 22/08/2022 14:40

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4616969-to-have-said-no-on-this-occasion

Meanwhile in the real world people think this.

funinthesun19 · 22/08/2022 15:12

SudocremOnEverything · 22/08/2022 14:18

I don’t even think it’s an adult/small child thing. You’re allowed to do all the shit, hard stuff and to be there to facilitate (and pay for) the things they want. But don’t dare do anything the mum wants to do.

the obvious dissonance around ‘you have three children’ (on this thread) and ‘she’s not their mum’ (on that one) is absolutely classic SP board.

You have three children, so you can do the schools runs and look after than but don’t you dare talk to their teacher about their reading book being too easy for them; you’re not their mother. You have three children, so you must only ever do things that include the two who don’t live with you FT, but you (almost certainly) shouldn’t be doing them at all if the SC’s mother wants to do it with her children.

There is literally no way to navigate that mine field.

You’re right. It doesn’t really matter what age they are. It’s the way people harp on about how if you choose a man with children they become your children too, but if you get involved with something that’s a bit “mum’s domain”, they’re suddenly not your kids. This applies whether they’re 5 or 25.

aSofaNearYou · 22/08/2022 15:20

SudocremOnEverything · 22/08/2022 14:18

I don’t even think it’s an adult/small child thing. You’re allowed to do all the shit, hard stuff and to be there to facilitate (and pay for) the things they want. But don’t dare do anything the mum wants to do.

the obvious dissonance around ‘you have three children’ (on this thread) and ‘she’s not their mum’ (on that one) is absolutely classic SP board.

You have three children, so you can do the schools runs and look after than but don’t you dare talk to their teacher about their reading book being too easy for them; you’re not their mother. You have three children, so you must only ever do things that include the two who don’t live with you FT, but you (almost certainly) shouldn’t be doing them at all if the SC’s mother wants to do it with her children.

There is literally no way to navigate that mine field.

You know I hadn't thought about it much but this is so true. You very rarely see the same posters coming in to threads like that to say "The SM married a man with kids so she has three children now, how dare you stand in the way of that". They're only interested in that point when they're telling a SP off for not feeling like that, seemingly.

SudocremOnEverything · 22/08/2022 15:35

Ducksurprise · 22/08/2022 14:40

There’s still at least one poster who seems to be going for full house on the evil stepmother bingo card. Even though almost everyone else is being quite sensible about it all.

2% think she’s unreasonable apparently. Which is ridiculous.

Solonge · 22/08/2022 15:36

Ok....write a list of the problems as you see them...number them out. Ask your DH for a time you two can sit down together and have a quiet discussion. Tell him you are feeling unhappy with the present situation and that its affecting your relationship with eachother. Tell him everything...how his daughter is not your daughter so you cannot feel the same as he does. His DD has a mother and father and that isnt you. Tell him why you want this holiday, tell him why you are not happy to be the one always looking after his DD and that he needs to understand that you are not there to baby sit his first child...that is his job. If you dont sort this out...it will moulder and you will become increasingly angry and resentful.

Solonge · 22/08/2022 15:43

DadBodAlready · 22/08/2022 12:12

In the first instance you have 3 kids 2 DSC and your DD. At the end of the day you married a divorced father, that was your choice, so he and his DC come as a package deal. However that should not preclude you from doing things with your DD especially if the DSC aren't around and its perfectly understandable that she is your first priority. You just need to balance things and try and organise more with your DD when DSC aren't around.

It appears the DH seems to think his second wife should be as happy to look after his first daughter and love her the same as their own child. This is not how it works. DH now has wife number two. Whilst wife number 2 is willing to be part of the blended family when they are all together, she is not wishing to look after first child on her own, quite right too...the first child already has a mother.