Told DH my DC will ALWAYS be my priority

[Cantbedoingwithit1]

This has been a bubbling argument between DH and I who share one child and he has older DC too from a previous relationship.

I'm so sick of feeling suffocated since our DD was born whenever I try to just be a normal mother.

I feel like I can't do anything with or for DD without it being questioned. Since she was born his guilt surrounding DSC has gone into overdrive. Everything must be about them or include them in some way.

Things like me taking DD away on holiday with a friend because he didn't want to (we couldn't afford this year to go abroad in school holidays), I wanted to take her before she is also stuck with school holidays in a little over a year. That was "unfair", basically anything like that.

It started last night because I've booked to take DD out for the day somewhere DSC would enjoy when they are back at school. (I'm off a couple of days in the week with her so like to do things then)

It is somewhere DSC have asked to go before however, it's split into sort of two things so there's a large section for young children and then there's also a large section for older children and adults. So all going together we'd end up split up or I'd end up dragging DD around the adults section of the place and she wouldn't get to enjoy it (or vice versa although it would never happen the other way around as all days out with DSC revolve around them).

My friend had some vouchers to use there so I got tickets cheaper too and I'm going with her and her younger DC.

But apparently it's cruel because I know DSC want to go (yeah...not to the toddler part!).

He always expects me to prioritise them even if it disadvantages DD. He and his ex are constantly changing plans and often he'll agree to have them when he knows he's not going to be there all day but I am and just expect me to take them wherever I'm going. If I don't want to or have plans I get accused of just disliking them and why is it a problem taking them with me etc.. for example on a Saturday, if he's working, I might arrange to take DD to see my family and then all of a sudden DSC will be here (unbeknown to me because he never discusses it with me) and then I'm just expected to take them too and have no problem with it.

Sometimes I just want to see my own family by ourselves or go on a day out by ourselves!

Anyway, he started with it again last night about how I treat DD differently (yes, because she's my child..) and how it's so obvious she's all I'm bothered about and how he needs me to love his kids and basically I shouted at him that YES DD WILL ALWAYS BE MY PRIORITY OVER HIS KIDS. And now we're not talking.

He's driving me mad with this. A lot of the time he's a good husband and father but others the guilt he has over DSC completely clouds his judgement. It wasn't like this before DD.

It's making me completely resentful of everything about being a step parent to the point I hate DSC being here because the whole vibe changes, he changes. It makes me not want to do a single thing for DSC in protest almost.

Anyway, rant over. Driving me mad. I just want to be a mother to my fucking child for Christs sake.

He is unreasonable. No, you should not be free childcare for him and his ex whenever it is convenient for her, stop doing it. IMO there should be no ‘harmony’ when this happens, because YOU should be putting your foot down. Why is he more afraid of saying no to his ex rather than upsetting his wife?

There would be a very cold and hostile woman waiting at home if my OH ever dumped the SC on me like this. And it would never happen again.

An example of when I will look after SC on my own this week: OH has a funeral to attend on one of his custody days and I have no plans that day, of course I will help. An example of when this will not happen: their mum is unexpectedly unable to have the kids on her custody time (happens a lot), OH has a football match that day and I have no plans. His options are to tell her to sort it out her end, use her family or a babysitter, or not go to his football match and have them himself.

You could point out the. When you are divorced because of his ridiculous behavior not only will he have to be there to look after his kids but you will be able to do things with your DC without anyones say so.

Presumably he can see that he isn't the winner in that scenario.

Ask him if his ex would bring your 3 year old on a day out? Amend all her arrangements to include a 3 year old?

thats absolutely nuts, just because you are the woman he is ‘with’ you have to make all the sacrifices.

It looks like you have been ‘rescuing’ him for too long and now he can’t see clearly.

He needs to parent his children. It really is as simple as that. He needs to make plans, days out, fun activities. My DP takes the kids on bike rides, geocaching. He needs to be doing similar. Do they have hobbies? He needs to get involved in that.

He is trying to use you to assuage his guilt. Don’t stand for it.

So what you're saying is it's okay for you to do it but not op because her step children will feel "others" but yours somehow miraculously don't?

Right.

You know these aren't ops children, don't you?

thats absolutely nuts, just because you are the woman he is ‘with’ you have to make all the sacrifices

That's actually exactly what he thinks. Because I love him and it would be easy enough for me to just take DSC when his ex demands, why would I not if I knew it was going to be made difficult for him otherwise..

You're doing nothing wrong. I would insist on being asked before ANY childcare was arranged, and I'd make a point of being unavailable on a fairly regular basis until he realised I wasn't his unpaid nanny. As his partner of course you should help with his kids, but they're his kids and you're not obliged to care for them without the courteousy of even being asked. He's seriously taking the piss.

Ive been a stepmum for almost 12 years and i can count on one hand the number of times I've been solely responsible for my dsc other than dh popping to the shops for 20 minutes or whatever.

I would immediately put a stop to you being used as free childcare under all circumstances except maybe genuine emergency ie mum or dad in hospital etc. Your DH is failing all of his children here - your dd doesn't matter enough to have fun with her mother, and your dsc get to see their little sister being treated as less important than them.

Thing is, if he does ask and I say no he kicks off about that too. Unless I have a 'good enough' in his eyes, reason to say no.

I couldn't just say 'no sorry' because I'm taking DD to visit my family today' because it would just be 'well DSC can go'. I couldn't say I want to go by ourselves without being accused of hating them.

I'd have to have a doctor's appointment or something equally acceptable to be able to say no without it causing an issue.

Yes, you can say ‘no’. You can say everything you’ve said on this thread. Let him kick off. You are not required to constantly placate your husband while he acts unreasonably. You have agency and a voice. Say, ‘no’.

It is simply not up to him whether your reason is "good enough". You not wanting to take on the extra responsibility is good enough.

They are his children, you do not have parental responsibility for them.

I would say no and be honest with why. If he doesn't like it, it's tough shit. They have two parents.

The problem is probably that he doesn't bother to organise stuff himself. He relies on you to do it. He therefore expects you to do this for when his kids are there so that they enjoy themselves. He needs to step up on organising stuff himself. I think divorced or separated men need to get a second famy do that they get another wife or partner to help them be parents.

He is being absolutely ridiculous. His children are coming to see him not you. He needs to organise his work patterns around their visits. I think you just need to dig in your heels now and set good boundaries, or things will only get worse. And O agree with the pp who said he is actually damaging your relationship with the sc. You are beginning to resent them, but it's because of his behaviour.

I think you've misunderstood what I was saying. I have never said that OP shouldn't be doing anything with her DD alone, my point was that when all of the children are together then they should be treated equally. No, they are not OPs biological children but she did choose to get into a relationship with someone who has children and that will always be a package deal.

I agree that her DH and his ex are unreasonable to expect OP to simply drop her plans just to include the stepchildren too but I can still point out that it is sad for the children who are not at fault when it seems like none of the adults in their lives want to look after them, they will actually pick up on that. Children are smarter than many give them credit for.

I sympathise with the OP as well but I was simply offering another perspective as someone who knows how it feels to be pushed out by step family. I just don't think it's wrong to also think about the children involved in this situation through no fault of their own.

I hate these threads because the men in them infuriate me. Don't think I could stay with someone so illogical.

Even full siblings don't do everything together all the time (I'm from a family of 5 kids). Siblings have different ages and interests, it's not practical or cost effective to drag every single one of them to every single event when they're not even interested in it.

Lazy man wanting his partner to arrange everything for him and facilitate his "good dad" image. If he wants to be seen as a good dad then he can bloody well be one and arrange childcare and days out himself!

And let him kick off. He's basically having a tantrum because he can't get his own way, like a big toddler. You're not his mum either. Very unattractive.

There is absolutely no hint that op is treating them differently when they are all together. You seem to have invented that.

The issue here is not op, it's their actual parents. Its not down to op to make up for their parents shortcomings.

Perhaps their actual mother should consider their feelings?

@KevinTheKoala I'm interested in knowing, from your perspective as a former DSC, what specifically you think OP should not be doing with her DD in order to not "other" her DSC?
From my perspective as a SM with similar age gaps between my child and DSC, I'd not want my child living a half life either and I'd be very upset at my DH if he consistently placed his ex and older children above us.
In my eyes, wife trumps ex and all of his children should be worthy of equal consideration by their shared father. This is clearly not what's happening here if he resents his youngest doing nice age appropriate things with their own mother.

Oh god. This is one of the most toxic stepfamily situations you can have (to be clear: that’s not a criticism of you, @Cantbedoingwithit1).

This awful divorced dad guilt and how it diminishes you and your child’s life is so hard to live with. Feeling suffocated and like you cannot be a mother to your own child because he had a family and a failed relationship before you is intolerable. And can only really lead to the 4 horsemen of divorce: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Particularly contempt (via resentment).

I think it’s really important that you’ve drawn your boundary so clearly - even if it upsets your DH. You are a mother of one and your child will always be your priority. What he needs to do is stop undermining you having any relationship with your child, and making situations where you have to fight for it. That’s creating the need for you to choose and to actively prioritise your child.

And actually I think if the ex is making things difficult then he needs to try and get a court order so that arrangements are more reliable and settled for everyone's sake, the ex shouldn't be threatening to withhold contact and using the children as pawns, and he should be there for contact with his children.

Days out when the children are together should ideally be centred around all of them, but as with any siblings with age gaps occasionally there will be days that are more suited to the older ones and vice versa and that shouldn't be begrudged either.

Why should you be left to look after your DSC at short notice and be forced to change your plans when neither their own DF nor DM are prepared to? Have you asked your DH why he is refusing to change his plans/ take a day annual leave/finish work early/cancel golf for his own DC?

Next time you visit soft play - must be a nice busy week end mind - drag dsc and dh along.

It will be a one off.

Have you considered leaving him?

This is a completely and utterly bizarre post.