Told DH my DC will ALWAYS be my priority

[Cantbedoingwithit1]

This has been a bubbling argument between DH and I who share one child and he has older DC too from a previous relationship.

I'm so sick of feeling suffocated since our DD was born whenever I try to just be a normal mother.

I feel like I can't do anything with or for DD without it being questioned. Since she was born his guilt surrounding DSC has gone into overdrive. Everything must be about them or include them in some way.

Things like me taking DD away on holiday with a friend because he didn't want to (we couldn't afford this year to go abroad in school holidays), I wanted to take her before she is also stuck with school holidays in a little over a year. That was "unfair", basically anything like that.

It started last night because I've booked to take DD out for the day somewhere DSC would enjoy when they are back at school. (I'm off a couple of days in the week with her so like to do things then)

It is somewhere DSC have asked to go before however, it's split into sort of two things so there's a large section for young children and then there's also a large section for older children and adults. So all going together we'd end up split up or I'd end up dragging DD around the adults section of the place and she wouldn't get to enjoy it (or vice versa although it would never happen the other way around as all days out with DSC revolve around them).

My friend had some vouchers to use there so I got tickets cheaper too and I'm going with her and her younger DC.

But apparently it's cruel because I know DSC want to go (yeah...not to the toddler part!).

He always expects me to prioritise them even if it disadvantages DD. He and his ex are constantly changing plans and often he'll agree to have them when he knows he's not going to be there all day but I am and just expect me to take them wherever I'm going. If I don't want to or have plans I get accused of just disliking them and why is it a problem taking them with me etc.. for example on a Saturday, if he's working, I might arrange to take DD to see my family and then all of a sudden DSC will be here (unbeknown to me because he never discusses it with me) and then I'm just expected to take them too and have no problem with it.

Sometimes I just want to see my own family by ourselves or go on a day out by ourselves!

Anyway, he started with it again last night about how I treat DD differently (yes, because she's my child..) and how it's so obvious she's all I'm bothered about and how he needs me to love his kids and basically I shouted at him that YES DD WILL ALWAYS BE MY PRIORITY OVER HIS KIDS. And now we're not talking.

He's driving me mad with this. A lot of the time he's a good husband and father but others the guilt he has over DSC completely clouds his judgement. It wasn't like this before DD.

It's making me completely resentful of everything about being a step parent to the point I hate DSC being here because the whole vibe changes, he changes. It makes me not want to do a single thing for DSC in protest almost.

Anyway, rant over. Driving me mad. I just want to be a mother to my fucking child for Christs sake.

I think you’re fighting an impossible battle on 2 fronts, DH and his ex. It looks as though he will repeat the same arguments and he cannot win over his ex and her manipulative behaviour. You also seem destined to fight his influence about you on DSC.
Is it time for some time away from him?

I absolutely do.

They often have another child to lock in the second wife, tie her to the childcare she provides and then beats them with the stick of not loving his children, her step children.

Utterly thankless.

OP should pack her bags.

Childhood is so brief and these men ruin the mothering experience for step mothers when they have their own child, with their relentless bullying.

No, I think you are bang on the money in many cases. Just replacing one household appliance with the younger, more biddable version.

Wait until DNA tests can be done for equivalent of £5 - SM will have to take one before having a relationship with the king just to ensure their joint DC are really organ spares for DSC....

OP, your situation sounds awful and it doesn't seem like he is going to change. He is minimizing your feelings constantly, has no respect or understanding for you, puts his Ex before you and makes you pander around this woman too!
Does he really think it's such an easy job to parent 3 kids and they can just tag along? He really is horrible and I would be looking to leave him if I were you.

I’m sorry but your husband is disgusting and emotionally abusive. Yes emotionally abusive because that what his tactics and manipulation are. Abusive. He treats you like a dogsbody babysitter, expects your DD to come second to him and his DC and tries to make you feel bad all the time with his complaints. BTW my stepdaughter says to tell you that your husband is a Jerk

I think more men in blended families need to realise that whilst ALL their children are their priority, their wives will obviously prioritise their own children. And so it should be.

My dh has gotten a lot better as time has gone on with this but I feel for you op. It's like you cannot win. Tell him if he wants to do something with all his children he can do so but if you want to go away with your child you are perfectly entitled to

OF COURSE you should do things with your DC.

The stepkids life doesn’t stop when your DC isn’t with them so why should your DC miss out?

I hear a lot of stories like this and part of it is guilt but I do think if men want their kids to have these fab experiences then they should get off their arses and bloody arrange them for them instead of expecting us to do it!!

Good luck OP x

Is he working while his DC comes to stay.

Speaking from a SD view my dad use to leave me with my sm never liked it after all my weekends are to spend with him not my SM.

How is your DSC feeling about this too? Bet they rather be with their dad.

You shouldn't have to feel like you can't do stuff with your DD alone but if say you chose to do all trips while your DSC wasn't there. Then to him all the good trips you don't want him apart of. If it's like say when we don't have DSC I will take DD here but when DSC comes oh let me take them both to the park it might be different.

He need to plan days out with your DSC more. That's really not your responsibility at all.

It's natural for a mum to always make her children a priority, and the dad to make his children from a previous relationship to be priority, because the SC aren't there, and his 2nd family children are always there so he will take them for granted a bit. That's why there will always be conflict.
If you know a man has children from a previous relationship, there is bound to be difficult times ahead.

No, the second part is not natural, that's him being a shitty dad. A parent needs to prioritise ALL of their own children, not "take the youngest for granted"

It's ridiculous to expect your step kids to have the same as your DD or come along to everything.

Firstly sit your DH down suggest he goes to mediation with his ex and discuss a schedule for when he has the kids.

Then you need to explain to him unfortunately he's wanting to live as one unit but he's not with the kids mother you now have a child with him. It seems unfair yes but it is how things work. Your step kids have a mother... and their mums side of the family also.

Absolutely.

If a woman decided that her younger children didn’t matter and can just be taken for granted, no one would be insisting she’s a good mother.

Somehow though, some people want to insist that a father who does the same thing is not only a good father, he’s a better father for treating his younger children poorly.

If we’re going to go with some sort of pseudo evolutionary psychological crap about what’s ‘natural’, then I suspect the answer would be something much less palatable about just giving up the first family as a lost cause and concentrating all his resources on the new family where he can be more effective/have a greater hand in the outcomes. But no one would want to hear that because that’s a shitty attitude for anyone to have about their children.

Even from a basic self interest perspective, choosing to treat his youngest children - the children of the woman with whom he lives - as less important is a stupid idea.

Doing so will inevitably create unnecessary conflict in his life and, ultimately, is likely to lead to him not living with all his children.

its bad fathering. It’s being a poor husband/partner. And it’s stupid.

It’s not even good for the older children who become a problem because their father can’t behave reasonably.