Told DH my DC will ALWAYS be my priority

[Cantbedoingwithit1]

This has been a bubbling argument between DH and I who share one child and he has older DC too from a previous relationship.

I'm so sick of feeling suffocated since our DD was born whenever I try to just be a normal mother.

I feel like I can't do anything with or for DD without it being questioned. Since she was born his guilt surrounding DSC has gone into overdrive. Everything must be about them or include them in some way.

Things like me taking DD away on holiday with a friend because he didn't want to (we couldn't afford this year to go abroad in school holidays), I wanted to take her before she is also stuck with school holidays in a little over a year. That was "unfair", basically anything like that.

It started last night because I've booked to take DD out for the day somewhere DSC would enjoy when they are back at school. (I'm off a couple of days in the week with her so like to do things then)

It is somewhere DSC have asked to go before however, it's split into sort of two things so there's a large section for young children and then there's also a large section for older children and adults. So all going together we'd end up split up or I'd end up dragging DD around the adults section of the place and she wouldn't get to enjoy it (or vice versa although it would never happen the other way around as all days out with DSC revolve around them).

My friend had some vouchers to use there so I got tickets cheaper too and I'm going with her and her younger DC.

But apparently it's cruel because I know DSC want to go (yeah...not to the toddler part!).

He always expects me to prioritise them even if it disadvantages DD. He and his ex are constantly changing plans and often he'll agree to have them when he knows he's not going to be there all day but I am and just expect me to take them wherever I'm going. If I don't want to or have plans I get accused of just disliking them and why is it a problem taking them with me etc.. for example on a Saturday, if he's working, I might arrange to take DD to see my family and then all of a sudden DSC will be here (unbeknown to me because he never discusses it with me) and then I'm just expected to take them too and have no problem with it.

Sometimes I just want to see my own family by ourselves or go on a day out by ourselves!

Anyway, he started with it again last night about how I treat DD differently (yes, because she's my child..) and how it's so obvious she's all I'm bothered about and how he needs me to love his kids and basically I shouted at him that YES DD WILL ALWAYS BE MY PRIORITY OVER HIS KIDS. And now we're not talking.

He's driving me mad with this. A lot of the time he's a good husband and father but others the guilt he has over DSC completely clouds his judgement. It wasn't like this before DD.

It's making me completely resentful of everything about being a step parent to the point I hate DSC being here because the whole vibe changes, he changes. It makes me not want to do a single thing for DSC in protest almost.

Anyway, rant over. Driving me mad. I just want to be a mother to my fucking child for Christs sake.

Because having 4 kids in the house there will always be mess and chaos.
and you know what ?
were happy and I don’t need to come on a mums group to moan about them so I must be doing something right 🙏

I mean there really doesn't have to be. Its called being well behaved!

I don't think your smug commenting is helping anyone ,do you?

I had this exact scenario. It was like we all had to suffer while SC was not there. In the end I got rid of DH, not for that reason but it was a factor- sorry.

As I said in a previous post…
must be doing something right as I’m not the one complaining about my kids on a mums group.
4 happy content kids ❤️

Maybe the general level of chaos means that the kids can’t sense any disruption. And don’t know any better than to live in a house that gets wrecked. 🤷🏻‍♀️

You might be judging other people, but things are slippery up there on the supposed moral high ground.

I don’t think this situation has much to do with the kids. It’s more the behaviour of adults I would say. I had a sleep over for my 8 year old last night and the house was a mess. To be expected.

JessesMum777888 the OP isn't complaining about the kids here.

Your post reeked of ignorance and arrogance and frankly the image you created wasn't one of a well balanced household for all the kids.

The irony of having the temerity to post claiming all the kids are a priority and treated all the same and then having just one in your username says a lot about your lack of self awareness

Next time he agrees to have his children on his ex's day and then tries to piss off to work dumping them on you, leave with your child.

Seriously.

He's taking the absolute piss ... and then having the absolute gall to demand you treat his children like your own while he does fuck all with them.

I'd seriously consider ending the relationship over this and tell him you are giving serious thoughts as to leaving due to his unreasonable behaviour.

That's not what your first post said though, is it?

You are entitled to do what you want in your time with DC. They are having experiences all week with their own mother. Your DC deserves to experience the world without restrictions. There's no reason why you can't do things individually in the week and as a family at the weekend. Your DC's life doesn't stop because DSC aren't around. They are still going about their business and enjoying their week.

Your DH is the issue. He is overcompensating. He needs to focus on the time he has with his children and what he is doing with them rather than what is happening while they aren't around. He should be doing activities with them alone and as a family.

I think DH is totally unreasonable to commit to looking after DSC without discussing it with you. They are his responsibility. He needs to references its NOT your responsibility. He needs to at a minimum have common curtesy and ask you if it's convenient. You aren't his or his ex beck and call unpaid childcare. It's about manners and respect. You aren't obligated because you're in a relationship with him. He is their parent.

In all honesty I would never be a step parent (again) you get all the expectations without any thanks or consideration. You are always wrong whatever you do.

You need to come to some sort of understanding with DH. If he doesn't start considering you and respecting you then I reckon it's only a matter of time before the relationship ends.

Yanbu OP. Stick to your guns. If needs be, arrange something easy to include dsc, like a picnic at the beach or day out swimming or local attraction. Then make sure he thinks of something & arranges it for the next time for all of you. Carry on making your arrangements with dd alone & don't bend every time he needs childcare-it's his problem & he & his ex need to sort. You are enabling & encouraging their poor parenting organisation by agreeing to step in.

It's totally unreasonable for him to expect you to be at his beck & call, which is what this is when he arranges childcare without checking or railroads you into it. He is causing resentment in your relationship & in that with your dsc. I'd show him this thread & confirm again that you're not available to be treated as his unpaid employee!

I'm going against the grain there's alot of negative undertone in your posts you don't seem to like them and see them as an inconvenience which I suspect your dh picked up on. It's fine to do things with just your child, however do you do stuff with them? Could you not make time on another occasion to do the activity they wanted to do? It comes across as your dd and them your not a blended family unit.

I have a 14 year from a previous relationship when he's been at his df we do more child related things with the younger 2. Then more older activities him and his sister have went and the youngest stayed at home. It's about getting the balance right not a case of dividing the family unit and segregating from each other. They want to be considered part of the family as that what your husbands wants aswell. It's highly damaging for children to feel excluded especially when that parent does on to have another family with someone else.

Do you mean to ask whether her husband does things with them? You know their actual parent?

I'm sick and tired of hearing the same armchair psychologist bullshit of "ooh I sense your dislike" or negativity or whatever. No, you sense a woman at the end of her sodding tether with her husband who can't do something as simple as enjoying the company of HER OWN CHILD. that's what you sense.

Me too.

the OP says:

I'm so sick of feeling suffocated since our DD was born whenever I try to just be a normal mother.

I feel like I can't do anything with or for DD without it being questioned. Since she was born his guilt surrounding DSC has gone into overdrive. Everything must be about them or include them in some way.

This would be a problem for any mother. This isn’t some horrible SM looking to exclude the SC. It’s a woman being excluded from her own motherhood by her husband because he feels guilty about the children from his previous relationship.

Of course she sounds negative about this situation. It is negative. And telling her to centre the SC more will only make it worse.

I don’t want to be step parent or have a step parent for my child. I would happily date but no moving etc until my child is older. Too much drama for me.

No what I'm sensing is there is a divide and op doesn't want to do anything as a family unit that's the point I'm making. It's become us verses them.Catfordthefifth

That's just not true though is it? It's clear they do do stuff as a family, as long as OP plans and organises it of course. All she wants is to be free, without her husband kicking off, to plan the odd day out for their daughter. What's wrong with that?

The OP's frustration is with her husband not the children. Why do people find this concept so difficult to grasp the moment stepchildren are mentioned?

I'm sensing there is a divide. Between the ops dh and his own kids.

I don't get the feeling she op doesn't want to do things as a family unit at all. But just her dh can't just dump his kids on her and expect her plans to change. He didn't even ask her. Just assumes.

I'm sensing the OP just wants to be able to take her child out when her DSC aren't there without a shit tonne of angst and grief from her handwringing DH.
Nowhere has OP said she doesn't want to do things with the DSC or that she doesn't like them or that that have in any way caused a problem, so it's very odd that people are claiming to sense negativity there, other than the negativity that the DHs whining has sown.

Right. So he can't be arsed to take his kids to X place, but you have to?
Yeah, I couldn't be arsed with this sexism.
I'd leave him.
But then, I'm over 46, drunk and have a high bar.
He saw you coming I'm afraid op.

I think your senses are a bit shit, tbh. She's not said a word about disliking the kids, what she dislikes is her husband's shite attitude and being treated like the unpaid help. Maybe rid your senses of your obvious bias and try again.

I don’t think your comments about kids messing up the house is very helpful either.
anyways I’m having my alone time while daddy/step dad takes the kids out.
such a door mat 🤦‍♀️

Would you like a medal?

A messy chaotic house is not a mark of success for most people. My child also makes mess but knows better than to leave it. I don't think that's a bad thing particularly.

I also get child free time and was not a total doormat in terms of my step child. I don't understand your point? They're not mutually exclusive. Again, I'll refer you back to your original post which wasn't so sunshine and rainbows.

I agree you're not BU op. No way should you have childcare foisted on you by someone else - especially without even being asked!

But you have a H problem as pp have stated. My advice is out some boundaries up now - no looking after DSC without your H there unless it's a genuine emergency involving one of the actual parents.

I think this attitude is very common in males. My H used to moan if I took DS somewhere that he'd wanted to go (despite never having mentioned it nor booked to go ever since we'd been together). He sort of thought that he had the right of veto over my time. He was put right sharpish. Yes a very special day out that I know he wants to go to would be saved for a family day but he does not control my time or what I do with DS on my annual leave.