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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Told DH my DC will ALWAYS be my priority

339 replies

Cantbedoingwithit1 · 20/08/2022 07:34

This has been a bubbling argument between DH and I who share one child and he has older DC too from a previous relationship.

I'm so sick of feeling suffocated since our DD was born whenever I try to just be a normal mother.

I feel like I can't do anything with or for DD without it being questioned. Since she was born his guilt surrounding DSC has gone into overdrive. Everything must be about them or include them in some way.

Things like me taking DD away on holiday with a friend because he didn't want to (we couldn't afford this year to go abroad in school holidays), I wanted to take her before she is also stuck with school holidays in a little over a year. That was "unfair", basically anything like that.

It started last night because I've booked to take DD out for the day somewhere DSC would enjoy when they are back at school. (I'm off a couple of days in the week with her so like to do things then)

It is somewhere DSC have asked to go before however, it's split into sort of two things so there's a large section for young children and then there's also a large section for older children and adults. So all going together we'd end up split up or I'd end up dragging DD around the adults section of the place and she wouldn't get to enjoy it (or vice versa although it would never happen the other way around as all days out with DSC revolve around them).

My friend had some vouchers to use there so I got tickets cheaper too and I'm going with her and her younger DC.

But apparently it's cruel because I know DSC want to go (yeah...not to the toddler part!).

He always expects me to prioritise them even if it disadvantages DD. He and his ex are constantly changing plans and often he'll agree to have them when he knows he's not going to be there all day but I am and just expect me to take them wherever I'm going. If I don't want to or have plans I get accused of just disliking them and why is it a problem taking them with me etc.. for example on a Saturday, if he's working, I might arrange to take DD to see my family and then all of a sudden DSC will be here (unbeknown to me because he never discusses it with me) and then I'm just expected to take them too and have no problem with it.

Sometimes I just want to see my own family by ourselves or go on a day out by ourselves!

Anyway, he started with it again last night about how I treat DD differently (yes, because she's my child..) and how it's so obvious she's all I'm bothered about and how he needs me to love his kids and basically I shouted at him that YES DD WILL ALWAYS BE MY PRIORITY OVER HIS KIDS. And now we're not talking.

He's driving me mad with this. A lot of the time he's a good husband and father but others the guilt he has over DSC completely clouds his judgement. It wasn't like this before DD.

It's making me completely resentful of everything about being a step parent to the point I hate DSC being here because the whole vibe changes, he changes. It makes me not want to do a single thing for DSC in protest almost.

Anyway, rant over. Driving me mad. I just want to be a mother to my fucking child for Christs sake.

OP posts:
BatsAtDawn · 20/08/2022 19:27

JessesMum777888 using Karen is such a good way of showing what a misogynistic way of thinking you have...and a poor understanding of what the term is supposed to mean. It explains the doormat approach and expectation that others do the same perfectly.

JessesMum777888 · 20/08/2022 19:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

autienotnaughty · 20/08/2022 19:38

I can't see issue with u doing stuff with ur dd when the other kids are at school/with mum. When u have them do stuff together as a family.

BatsAtDawn · 20/08/2022 19:41

😂honest to god, go learn what the term means and try your hardest to use it in the right context. It's as funny as it is illuminating each time you use it.

autienotnaughty · 20/08/2022 19:43

The thing is if you had 3 kids yourself and two were school age u would do stuff with lo wen others were at school. It's no different.

fastandthecurious1 · 20/08/2022 19:45

It's craziness for him to expect that, would I go above and beyond for my step children... yes do I occasionally prioritise them over my toddler DS at times yes because of their late teen age. However would I push any one of them in front of traffic if it saved my DS absolutely!

Your DH is expecting something impossible and because they are all his he doesn't understand that you want time just with your child and it's perfectly normal to not want them around especially when their dad isn't around to do the leg work and keep them entertained etc

LadyCluck · 20/08/2022 19:51

I haven’t read the full thread.
I have been in this situation though OP. It’s so tough and pretty thankless.

YANBU. I would say stick to your guns and carry on as you are. You’re his wife and the mother of one of his children - that does not automatically mean you’re free childcare for his other children.

I think you need to read him his future and tell him what you will do / won’t do going forward.

I personally disengaged and told DH that from that day on I was doing zero childcare for the SC and that unless he was in the house, they weren’t to be here - it is after all HIS contact time. That decision came after lots of tears, stress and anxiety on my part, very bad behaviour from the SC and him
being completely unreasonable in his expectations of how I should be going above and beyond for his kids and that our own daughter should come second.

BatsAtDawn · 20/08/2022 19:53

Agree its expecting the impossible totally, and really devalues the mums input and the resident child's needs to expect this from the OP

JessesMum777888 · 20/08/2022 19:54

BatsAtDawn · 20/08/2022 19:41

😂honest to god, go learn what the term means and try your hardest to use it in the right context. It's as funny as it is illuminating each time you use it.

Still here ? 🙄

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 20/08/2022 19:59

Sudocreams post is the best post I've ever read regarding SC.

BatsAtDawn · 20/08/2022 19:59

Of course. I'm responding to you.

IrishladyNE · 20/08/2022 21:00

I must admit joining MN has been good for me apart from the nonsense petty squabbles. Even though I haven’t made a post of my own it really helps to see your own situation from different angles.

YSH34 · 20/08/2022 21:35

This reply has been deleted

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LOL fucking touché 😂

RedWingBoots · 20/08/2022 21:40

SudocremOnEverything · 20/08/2022 14:23

Some people do assume that they are taking the moral high ground in asserting that the children must all be treated exactly the same. And you must treat them like you are their mother. Most definitely.

But, it’s clear that those people really haven’t thought any of it through. Even superficially.

There’s absolutely no thought to the fact that most SC have a mother. They don’t want another one. Even where they no longer have a living mother (which is the minority by a long way), they often do not want another woman trying to assume that mantle. The mother doesn’t want it either. Ever. For abundantly obvious reasons.

The father doesn’t even really want that. He wants her to take on all the work and responsibility and to selflessly devote herself to the children. But rarely does he want her to have the other side of motherhood, the big where she makes decisions and has opinions and doesn’t just act like a happy nanny/housekeeper.

Then there’s the more complex stuff that mean it’s literally impossible to treat the children ‘the same’. Not even for their father! Some of the children live with him FT; some PT. The NR children have their main home elsewhere, with another parent who parents as she sees fit. That means he cannot possibly treat them the same for so many reasons.

The resident child inevitably has their home life disrupted and altered as their half siblings come and go. It’s often much more disruptive for the younger, resident child because the households orient around the SC wherever they go. They move between two households that are more or less stable in their experience of them. The resident child has a household that offers no stability. It shifts and changes according to the contact schedule in really profound ways. They feel the absence of their half siblings and the presence, and it’s not necessarily easy for them emotionally. Especially not when the adults are of the view that they should be grateful for their luck in always living in this fluctuating household, unlike the ‘poor SC’ who are victims of divorce. Moralising posters on MN are determined to ignore and deny this.

It’s literally impossible to divide up the time with them ‘equally’. He could completely ignore his resident child on the SC contact weekends and ensure that they get 100% of his attention in the 50% or less of the time he’s with them. But that’s emotionally abusive to the child who suddenly stops mattering the instant their half siblings show up. Or he can ignore the resident child and refuse to spend time with them unless the SC are there. Because otherwise it’s just not fair on the SC. The child whose their 100% of the time gets treated like a NR child in all sorts of weird ways, while everyone assumes they’re so privileged because their parents live together.

It’s always complex. even without adding in all the additional stuff that comes with Disney dad attitudes, guilt ridden prioritisation of the SC, antagonistic exes and fear based fathering (although they’re never as fearful of becoming an NRP to their youngest child as they should be; they’re too busy fearing their older children not wanting to see them, that they don’t see the risk that they’ll end up an NRP to all their kids).

It’s bloody important that the resident child(ren) can feel that their parents love them best of all. Just as the SC can feel that their parents love them best of all. They have to share their father’s best of all, but it is not harmful to recognise that someone who isn’t your mother feels differently about their children and you. That’s actually totally healthy.

But, it’s much easier to not engage your brain and lecture someone dealing with the fall out from all this complexity about how she shouldn’t have ‘gotten with a man with kids’ if she wasn’t going to be their mum. 🙄

Please repeat this on every single damn thread when posters try the poor SC card.

SudocremOnEverything · 20/08/2022 22:01

RedWingBoots · 20/08/2022 21:40

Please repeat this on every single damn thread when posters try the poor SC card.

Show quote history

I feel like a broken record already saying things like this all over the SP board. But it’s so important to keep repeating this stuff and challenging the poor SC/privileged resident DC narrative.

IrishladyNE · 20/08/2022 22:17

I think it happens when a break up is raw and nee children enter the equation. I genuinely felt it was the end of the world that my child would be pushed out etc. It’s not though. I was smart enough to get out of my useless relationship and thrived and so did my daughter. Over there is just a repeat of my own relationship. However I love my daughters little sister and I want her to have the best life possible. It’s not how I perceived it in the beginning.

Pixiedust1234 · 20/08/2022 22:25

Cantbedoingwithit1 · 20/08/2022 07:50

His ex is a pita. She will do things like not let him see them if he refuses to change the days when she wants to go out or things like that or just be incredibly difficult because she's pissed off. So he's said he wants me to just agree because 'its easier and is it really a big deal having DSC by myself every now and then for the sake of harmony'. Feels like I'm just expected to sort out to immature parents issues out because they can't be expected to grow up themselves though.

He needs to get off his backside and go to court. Once the court has ordered visitation then she can't behave in this way.

I would also put my foot down and tell him you will no longer look after his children unless you have agreed to it each time.

Once those two situations are better managed THEN you can have other discussions regarding the children.

88milesanhour · 21/08/2022 07:23

OP I think you need to put up or shut up at this point. You're never going to be happy with the arrangement as it is and nor should you be IMHO. The only way anything will change though is if you force it to. Just tell your DH and his ex no. Explain that you are more than happy to do prearranged activities with the SC but that childcare is ultimately their responsibility. Also, the SC's experiences aren't your responsibility, your DC's are so you will take your own dd out when you feel like it and bollocks to anyone who tells you otherwise. If you aren't assertive about this you'll be moaning about this til the day you die or leaving your DH who you clearly already resent btw. I hope you can find the strength to stand up for yourself xx

anonacfr · 21/08/2022 17:48

To be honest it sounds like he wants a second 'mother' to parent his children so he doesn't have to.
Does his ex know? She might not be that impressed to find out he is fobbing her children off to you.

Catfordthefifth · 21/08/2022 17:50

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Catfordthefifth · 21/08/2022 17:53

Oh Christ, ignore me! Totally wrong thread.

Lem1984 · 21/08/2022 17:56

Don't have children to a man with children already unless you will treat them equally. Not hard!

RocketsMagnificent7 · 21/08/2022 17:58

Lem1984 · 21/08/2022 17:56

Don't have children to a man with children already unless you will treat them equally. Not hard!

🙄

So unoriginal and showing a complete lack of any understanding when it comes to being a stepparent or a stepchild.

TreacleMoon2 · 21/08/2022 17:59

@Lem1984 - so in this instance the OP can treat all the children equally by taking them ALL to c-beebies land then?

Do you think that would go down with the older ones who will see the bigger roller coasters and not be able to go on them?

Does that work?

Catfordthefifth · 21/08/2022 18:00

Lem1984 · 21/08/2022 17:56

Don't have children to a man with children already unless you will treat them equally. Not hard!

Bore off.