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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Told DH my DC will ALWAYS be my priority

339 replies

Cantbedoingwithit1 · 20/08/2022 07:34

This has been a bubbling argument between DH and I who share one child and he has older DC too from a previous relationship.

I'm so sick of feeling suffocated since our DD was born whenever I try to just be a normal mother.

I feel like I can't do anything with or for DD without it being questioned. Since she was born his guilt surrounding DSC has gone into overdrive. Everything must be about them or include them in some way.

Things like me taking DD away on holiday with a friend because he didn't want to (we couldn't afford this year to go abroad in school holidays), I wanted to take her before she is also stuck with school holidays in a little over a year. That was "unfair", basically anything like that.

It started last night because I've booked to take DD out for the day somewhere DSC would enjoy when they are back at school. (I'm off a couple of days in the week with her so like to do things then)

It is somewhere DSC have asked to go before however, it's split into sort of two things so there's a large section for young children and then there's also a large section for older children and adults. So all going together we'd end up split up or I'd end up dragging DD around the adults section of the place and she wouldn't get to enjoy it (or vice versa although it would never happen the other way around as all days out with DSC revolve around them).

My friend had some vouchers to use there so I got tickets cheaper too and I'm going with her and her younger DC.

But apparently it's cruel because I know DSC want to go (yeah...not to the toddler part!).

He always expects me to prioritise them even if it disadvantages DD. He and his ex are constantly changing plans and often he'll agree to have them when he knows he's not going to be there all day but I am and just expect me to take them wherever I'm going. If I don't want to or have plans I get accused of just disliking them and why is it a problem taking them with me etc.. for example on a Saturday, if he's working, I might arrange to take DD to see my family and then all of a sudden DSC will be here (unbeknown to me because he never discusses it with me) and then I'm just expected to take them too and have no problem with it.

Sometimes I just want to see my own family by ourselves or go on a day out by ourselves!

Anyway, he started with it again last night about how I treat DD differently (yes, because she's my child..) and how it's so obvious she's all I'm bothered about and how he needs me to love his kids and basically I shouted at him that YES DD WILL ALWAYS BE MY PRIORITY OVER HIS KIDS. And now we're not talking.

He's driving me mad with this. A lot of the time he's a good husband and father but others the guilt he has over DSC completely clouds his judgement. It wasn't like this before DD.

It's making me completely resentful of everything about being a step parent to the point I hate DSC being here because the whole vibe changes, he changes. It makes me not want to do a single thing for DSC in protest almost.

Anyway, rant over. Driving me mad. I just want to be a mother to my fucking child for Christs sake.

OP posts:
Iggyoggy · 21/08/2022 19:34

niugboo · 21/08/2022 19:32

I hope you’ve had legal advice. Because as your husband legally all your assets are marital so you can’t exclude him. Aka you can’t leave to your daughter.

If your house is tenants in common you can leave your share to whoever you want.

Shaniice · 21/08/2022 19:35

I’m with you OP, stick to your guns and do whatever you want with your DD. There’s no way in hell I’d make plans around my stepchild because it’s not my problem. My DH respects that his older child isn’t mine, so sometimes we do things altogether, however, most of the time it’s just my children. I most definitely wouldn’t be taking his children to visit my relatives. Good luck

deepinwales · 21/08/2022 19:57

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Missingpop · 21/08/2022 20:04

I don’t think your being unreasonable at all; your child needs alone time with her parents & he needs to know that; he also needs to know your his wife not his unpaid baby sitter; if he changes plans with his ex he needs to ask you before confirming it.
Tell him your going with your friends on this outing & his kids are not invited he needs to entertain them. Set some firm ground rules & don’t let him sway you you child is your priority always

Yousee · 21/08/2022 20:25

Does no one have any thoughts for the DSC
I think most SMs have a lot of thoughts for their DSC, however when they and their child are treated like shit by the DCs shared father, they find themselves backed into a corner and snarling for their own child's rights be thought of by their father and to be allowed a full childhood even when the DSC aren't there.

Catfordthefifth · 21/08/2022 20:31

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This has to be a joke right?

RedWingBoots · 21/08/2022 20:32

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WTF are you on about?

Why as an 11 year old would you want to go on a day out that is arranged for a toddler?

And do you think you should be allowed to miss school to do so?

Also why do you think you have the right to inherit from your step-mother especially if she dies before your half-sibling, her child, is 18 and you are a working adult in their 20s?

Watchamocauli · 21/08/2022 21:02

OP, is this about Patriarchy? You are either younger than him or earn less or less experienced in general life that he delgates his guilt ridden activities or that deemed not important work to you?

You may have to stand up at times and compromise at other times. Create a time table when you can have his DCs for fun activities and other times your nuclear family.

Flowersintheattic57 · 21/08/2022 21:19

Hangingoninthere88 · 20/08/2022 10:51

Your duty is to not get in the way of DH forming a relationship with DSC and helping ensure that your home environment is warm and welcoming to them when they visit. It isn't to be a skivvy babysitter at the whim of your DH or his ex and it isn't to sacrifice your own dd's happiness. Tell your husband that if he plans days out for all of you then you'll gladly go but you're not his on call nanny and he can get f*£kd if he things you're denying your daughter experiences because of the kids he ultimately created and is responsible for.

Also remind him that it’s his children’s contact time with him, it is not childcare arrangements that he happens to be dumping on you. DH and his ex need to sort out their own childcare arrangements between themselves. His children of his first marriage are not your responsibility. And him tantrumming about it does not make it so.

VWCJW · 21/08/2022 23:21

Yabu
You married someone with kids.
You are a family. All of the kids should be your priority. You are a step mum to them. Always put all of the kids first. If they were your kids, what would you do? You couldn’t go on holiday in term time because of the older children. They are your child’s siblings. It’s all about the children, all of them.

Norwegiancopice · 21/08/2022 23:31

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GlomOfNit · 22/08/2022 00:05

TitoMojito · 20/08/2022 07:50

What kind of fucked up advice is that?

Show quote history

It wasn't 'advice' from Tito, Tito's comment was deleted by MN for 'not being in the spirit of MN' - i.e. being unnecessarily unkind or unconstructive.

gogogadgetgo · 22/08/2022 00:20

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Jesus. I think most of us just want the kids father to step up. You know. Be a parent.

That's the problem. Not the op who has never said she doesn't do stuff with all the children.

I have kids with an age gap. Shock horror. There were times I'd do things with the little one when their sibling was in school. I think it'd be more horrifying if I didn't.

Fucks sake. Humanity my arse. I feel sorry for the kids. But let's sort the actual problem out shall we. Their fucking useless dad.

BadNomad · 22/08/2022 00:21

So many ridiculous comments as usual. Life doesn't stop when stepchildren go back to mum. Dad, stepmum and half-siblings don't just sit and wait for them to return before they can leave the house.

If the father was that bothered about his children missing out, he could arrange for them to all do those things while they are with him. But he doesn't. He's like many others, he wants the woman to sort it.

StressedOutMumBex · 22/08/2022 02:22

Cantbedoingwithit1 · 20/08/2022 09:50

Think of an activity, young soft play that requires booking, visiting a friend with a new baby, anything the dsc wouldn't be suitable for. And have it on the back burner.

I'd get asked why I can't do this another time. It's not imperative I go to soft play that day so why can't I go another time when DSC aren't here.

And at that point you tell him why can’t he simply take the day off and look after them himself since they are his kids and he is the one who agreed to have them, not you.
Sorry OP but what a prick he is.

gumball37 · 22/08/2022 03:27

Cantbedoingwithit1 · 20/08/2022 07:45

I don't mind going places together at all, I'm not saying only he should take them places by himself. But it's like I can't do anything in the week with DD that may even possibly be something DSC would enjoy.

That's so ridiculous imo. Her life doesn't just stop when they aren't here and I've never said to him that we can't all go to wherever it is another time all together. He just expects it to be me who plans and arranges everything. Quite happy to sit there never planning anything with his kids but if I do something with DD it's totally unfair.

Show quote history

This makes no sense. I am a single parent to 3 kids. There are days when due to Dr's appts or daycare closures that I have (rare) 1on1 time. That often involves fun things that the others might enjoy.... but we still do it because I feel that time is important as well. We do most everything as a family so why shouldn't we enjoy time separately when we can?

RedWingBoots · 22/08/2022 05:33

VWCJW · 21/08/2022 23:21

Yabu
You married someone with kids.
You are a family. All of the kids should be your priority. You are a step mum to them. Always put all of the kids first. If they were your kids, what would you do? You couldn’t go on holiday in term time because of the older children. They are your child’s siblings. It’s all about the children, all of them.

Of course she can go on day trips and short breaks in term time when her step-children aren't there.

You are aware in the UK if you take children out of school to go on holiday during term time the parents get fined? So you can't just allow school aged children to miss school.

Places and attractions are aware of this so design their term time events for pre-school aged children. So why as an 11 year old would you want to go on trips that are aimed at babies, toddlers and preschoolers?

Yousee · 22/08/2022 05:58

Yet again, the more posters blither on about "humanity" and "all the children should be equal" and all the guilt trips, the more they help lazy dad out in his campaign of transferring his role to a third party, and the more you make SMs scream back "what about my children? Who prioritises them if I don't? Who are they special to if not to me, their mother?"
Just back the fuck off and let relationships be what they actually are and grow from there. All this wittering on about "when you marry a man with kids" is a breeding ground for resentment.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 22/08/2022 06:58

VWCJW · 21/08/2022 23:21

Yabu
You married someone with kids.
You are a family. All of the kids should be your priority. You are a step mum to them. Always put all of the kids first. If they were your kids, what would you do? You couldn’t go on holiday in term time because of the older children. They are your child’s siblings. It’s all about the children, all of them.

Nope. Stepchildren do not want to be treated as their stepparents own child. They have 2 parents, they have no despite for a third or a fourth. They simply want kindness, warmth and respect.

This also isn't about a holiday. It's about a day out. But if OP did want to take her pre-school age child on holiday that's also absolutely fine. Because her stepchildren are allowed to do things with their mum. The only person required to treat all 3 children the same and prioritise them all is the dad.

fufflecake · 22/08/2022 07:02

All this wittering on about "when you marry a man with kids" is a breeding ground for resentment. its also really weird as it's not like it's written down in law anywhere. Just what some people have decided.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 22/08/2022 07:04

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Where's the humanity because they agree with OP being entitled to take her young child on a day out without her stepchildren?

Are you always this dramatic?

I'm a stepchild, a stepmum and my eldest children have a stepdad. All of our children have had days out individually, in pairs, as a group. It's called balance.

This OP is not leaving her stepchildren out or cold towards them, she simply wants the opportunity to enjoy activities with her own child that she's able to centre around that child. Why is that wrong? I'm sure the SC's mum does the same for them.

Once again it's the woman getting all the shit for the poor behaviour of a man. In your child's case if their SM was so damaging to them it was up to their dad to protect them.

funinthesun19 · 22/08/2022 07:38

As the mother of an adult child who was and still is resented by his step mother, some of you cold hearted so called mothers should be ashamed. If you could see the long term damage you do. Where is your humanity?

Don’t be so ridiculous. OP doesn’t hate her stepchildren, she just wants some special time with her little one while the dsc are at school. She’s allowed to normal things like that without her stepchildren being rammed down her throat by her DH, the ex or people like you.

Ducksurprise · 22/08/2022 07:39

What about all the experiences the SC had before the DD was born?

mollythedogsmum · 22/08/2022 07:49

@KevinTheKoala is bang on. My step mother took the same view as you and this seriously affected everyone's relationships with each other. You will build resentment with your DSC who in turn will have no relationship with your DD now or in the future. Not so much a problem for YOU now but your DD (as an only child) will be seriously affected by this in the future. So please do lots of lovely stuff with your DD but include the DSC as much as you can and don't take out know them your anger at your DH or his ex. The children are paying for the mistakes of their parents which is unjust and will only hurt your DD later in life.

funinthesun19 · 22/08/2022 08:00

mollythedogsmum · 22/08/2022 07:49

@KevinTheKoala is bang on. My step mother took the same view as you and this seriously affected everyone's relationships with each other. You will build resentment with your DSC who in turn will have no relationship with your DD now or in the future. Not so much a problem for YOU now but your DD (as an only child) will be seriously affected by this in the future. So please do lots of lovely stuff with your DD but include the DSC as much as you can and don't take out know them your anger at your DH or his ex. The children are paying for the mistakes of their parents which is unjust and will only hurt your DD later in life.

Again this is so dramatic and such a leap though. OP doing nice things with her little one isn’t going to cause resentment towards siblings in the future. And I’m sure OP does do nice things with dsc too… when they all go out as a family. She doesn’t personally owe her dsc a trip somewhere just because she takes her toddler to places.