Told DH my DC will ALWAYS be my priority

[Cantbedoingwithit1]

This has been a bubbling argument between DH and I who share one child and he has older DC too from a previous relationship.

I'm so sick of feeling suffocated since our DD was born whenever I try to just be a normal mother.

I feel like I can't do anything with or for DD without it being questioned. Since she was born his guilt surrounding DSC has gone into overdrive. Everything must be about them or include them in some way.

Things like me taking DD away on holiday with a friend because he didn't want to (we couldn't afford this year to go abroad in school holidays), I wanted to take her before she is also stuck with school holidays in a little over a year. That was "unfair", basically anything like that.

It started last night because I've booked to take DD out for the day somewhere DSC would enjoy when they are back at school. (I'm off a couple of days in the week with her so like to do things then)

It is somewhere DSC have asked to go before however, it's split into sort of two things so there's a large section for young children and then there's also a large section for older children and adults. So all going together we'd end up split up or I'd end up dragging DD around the adults section of the place and she wouldn't get to enjoy it (or vice versa although it would never happen the other way around as all days out with DSC revolve around them).

My friend had some vouchers to use there so I got tickets cheaper too and I'm going with her and her younger DC.

But apparently it's cruel because I know DSC want to go (yeah...not to the toddler part!).

He always expects me to prioritise them even if it disadvantages DD. He and his ex are constantly changing plans and often he'll agree to have them when he knows he's not going to be there all day but I am and just expect me to take them wherever I'm going. If I don't want to or have plans I get accused of just disliking them and why is it a problem taking them with me etc.. for example on a Saturday, if he's working, I might arrange to take DD to see my family and then all of a sudden DSC will be here (unbeknown to me because he never discusses it with me) and then I'm just expected to take them too and have no problem with it.

Sometimes I just want to see my own family by ourselves or go on a day out by ourselves!

Anyway, he started with it again last night about how I treat DD differently (yes, because she's my child..) and how it's so obvious she's all I'm bothered about and how he needs me to love his kids and basically I shouted at him that YES DD WILL ALWAYS BE MY PRIORITY OVER HIS KIDS. And now we're not talking.

He's driving me mad with this. A lot of the time he's a good husband and father but others the guilt he has over DSC completely clouds his judgement. It wasn't like this before DD.

It's making me completely resentful of everything about being a step parent to the point I hate DSC being here because the whole vibe changes, he changes. It makes me not want to do a single thing for DSC in protest almost.

Anyway, rant over. Driving me mad. I just want to be a mother to my fucking child for Christs sake.

See below for why it is inherently hard. 🙄

Yes, and feed them baby food and formula and insist they wear a nappy, hold their hand at all times and confiscate their phones. That's fair

His children get to do things with their mother alone

You can go out with yours when they're at school , so what!

Sounds like he feels guilty, he can take them out on his own too!!!

What happens with other families? You do separate holidays because some are older! It works then....why because they are all the biological children to both parents?

I'm clearly wrong.....

You are clearly wrong! I simply would not drag my teenager to cbeebies world. I would take my toddler in term time.

We'd all go on the same holiday, yes, but it would have them both in mind.

This isn't that, it's a trip to a toddler specific destination.

Growing up with my siblings there were absolutely days out and weekends away that would occasionally be a treat for one instead of all. It's plain stupid to say all children are treated completely the same and made equal priority at all times. It naturally ebbs and flows based different support needs and opportunities.

What mattered was that both parents were involved and neither of them were favouring one of us over the other.

When my stepdad came on the scene there's no way I'd have expected him to suddenly start including me in everything he did with his son, or to drop plans with his son because I was there.

The OPs husband needs to step up here, not the OP.

@Cantbedoingwithit1 as you printed out you have a DH problem. But not because he thinks that the dsc always come first.

You have an issue because this man takes you for granted and expects you to be at his beck and call doing what he is asking you to do as if you were his skivvy or his pa.
So he doesn’t tell you what his plans are for the WE. Expects you to drop everything because he is telling you to do so. Expects you to organise stuff for his social life, the outings with his dcs etc…

It’s not an issue with the dsc and him wanting to keep the calm with the ex, putting his dcs first and feeling guilty.
Its all about the fact he thinks you are at the bottom of the pile and you dont matter (and nor does his dc with you)

Actually no we dont.

I am disabled. I have two tens and an DH who are very outdoorsy. It is just no physically possible to us to have the exact same holiday.
So DH goes away in hols with the dcs to do their outdoor stuff together. I have time with the dcs doing things together (Tbf usually seeing my family due to my own limitations)
And when we go away together, it’s always chosen in such a way that we can both do something. Not unusual that we have different activities too and only meet up at the end of the day.

The same thing happen with the WE.

I would NEVER expect DH and the dcs to only do what I can do and never what they truly enjoy.
I would also NEVER do the stuff they enjoy (despite the fact I’d really love to) because I just can’t.

Thats what real families do. They work together to find compromises so everyone can have a good time. And some times, it means having time apart, doing different things.

Sounds totally over the top for your DH, and just not realistic for a family with a big age gap and particularly a blended family. To apply his logic the step kids shouldn’t do anything at their mum’s as your child would be left out, it’s nonsensical. Obviously saying yes to having his kids when he’s not there is totally unreasonable particularly without even checking i with you first. Parenting with guilt won’t do his children and good in the long run. Not surprised you’re fed up!

Sounds like his guilt is playing into this big time but to be perfectly honest, that’s his issue to carry and not yours. You shouldn’t have to feel guilty about enjoying time and wanting to do things with your child. Quite honestly if he agreed to have his child from the previous marriage despite the fact he was working, I would make sure I wasn’t around when he left for work; he clearly needs to learn the hard way. You do what you want to do to enjoy time with your child, screw him and his guilt quite honestly. It isn’t your job or duty to arrange your whole life to accommodate his child to the detriment of your child.

This ! 100%.

Absolutely this. He's a lazy arse who expect you to make life easy for him.

I used to have this issue. It was due to his guilt over not being a FTD. The irony is now she doesn't even see him and would rather be with her mates.
You are not wrong here, you are not the SC mum regardless of what he says and when it comes to PR and making decisions, both him and the mother will remind you of this.
Ignore his comments, keep being the best mum you can be to your child and don't be available when he drops you in it with childcare for SC. He needs to step up and stop using you as childcare.

If your DH arranges for you to provide childcare without asking you I think that’s quite disrespectful. He sounds controlling. Might you have a bigger problem than unexpected childcare?

@CiderJolly I wouldn’t go as far as him being a misogynist. I think he’s just a man who panders to his ex’s every whomp without a real grip on things. He needs to man up & decide what is permissible & what isn’t , keeping OP in mind.

On a separate note, men like this ought to be avoided.

I think your partner/DH should be with you if he wants to take his children out. He needs to respect that. You could be someone who needs someone with you, how does he know you are fine alone with his children.

I agree with you OP that your DH is in the wrong and needs to start accepting that you will want to do things without your SC sometimes - just like they get to do things with their Mum without your child. That's only fair. What's not fair is having a will leaving everything to your child. What if your DH dies first does all his money go to you then only your child? That's not fair or reasonable.

family counselling might help here. Mainly for your husband to make him realise how unfair he’s being to you.

I agree with you OP that your DH is in the wrong and needs to start accepting that you will want to do things without your SC sometimes - just like they get to do things with their Mum without your child. That's only fair. What's not fair is having a will leaving everything to your child. What if your DH dies first does all his money go to you then only your child? That's not fair or reasonable.

Then it's up to him to make provisions for his children. It isn't difficult.

Christ I could not stand it! He's fecking totally unreasonable. Do what YOU want to do and sod him. 😡😡😡 Why the hell shouldn't you go out with your friend and her child? You are NOT responsible for his kids and should have to look after them when he is not there. They're HIS kids.

@Lem1984 - so in this instance the OP can treat all the children equally by taking them ALL to c-beebies land then?

Do you think that would go down with the older ones who will see the bigger roller coasters and not be able to go on them?

Does that work?

I know exactly what would happen. The time at CBeebies would be cut short in order to let the older ones go on the big rollercoasters.
This is why it isn’t fair. The older ones would change the whole dynamic of the day.
She wants a day with her little one where she can focus completely on them doing toddler things. Term time when it’s quiet and while her stepchildren are at school is the perfect time to go.

It is actually fair

The father needs to write his will to cover all his dependants - all his 3 children.

The OP has to cover her all her dependants - her child.

If neither of them do this then their wills can be contested on their children's behalf.

Once all the children are 18 the wills can be rewritten but until then the money from each parent needs to go directly to their children under 18.

OP seems to have gone quiet..hope all is ok.

Bottom line is you can take your DD for days out whenever it suits you, as you said she'll be at school full time soon so don't miss out on these special times spent with her.

DSC have their own mother who can take them to these places. If she can't be arsed then that's not your problem....if she keeps changing her plans again tell your DP that it's equally not your problem and as of now not to include you in any plans that they may make between themselves....
Seems that when relationships fail some mothers look upon their EX's new partners as free child care and if they refuse start sending out threats that the EX can no longer see the DC
in which case I'd imagine in many cases it comes as a shock to find out NP really doesn't give 2 fucks...

I hope you’ve had legal advice. Because as your husband legally all your assets are marital so you can’t exclude him. Aka you can’t leave to your daughter.