Ok, Ok, where's the magic Rule Book then?

[SpaceshiptoMars]

I keep seeing posts saying ''Step parents should... blah blah blah". No good reasons why, just 'because I say so'.

So come on then, all those who want to be rule setters for Step Mums. Where is your authority? Why do you think you get to tell other adults how to behave in their own home? Is it some kind of religious thing? Where is all this coming from?

I'm just picturing my DSCs mum's face if I started parenting DSC as if they were mine and then when asked why I told her 'because what if you die?'.

She'd probably call the police 😂

Was anyone else's mouth agape at the school club refusal thread? The first wives club was strong on that one... 🙈

Ducking mind is absolutely boggled by that thread tbh

A hot topic one-

As a DSC has higher authority than all the adults in in dads house. But not mums house she has authority over both houses.

I say this as a mum and inwardly cringe when people suggest this subtly or otherwise.

Usually along the lines of my DC will never have a step parent and I will live alone.

Completely forgetting that dad may have completely other plans. Which of course his must be putting his own sexual needs ahead of the kids. Obviously because that's the only reason why dads marry and move on with another human.

@Steptoeandson I remember that poster and i thought now there is a naive thought. I'm sure in my marriage vows ex DH said he would be faithful to me but alas he was not, and that's with losing the marriage at risk.

A single bloke isn't gonna be like oh I won't get a partner because of a convo I had years ago. Maybe he will but it's doubtful and yes I totally agree how unhealthy to stay in a unhappy marriage for the kids. Doesn't do anyone any good iMO

Are you serious ? What happens if he refers to you his wife or you call him hubby in front of her ? I mean what can she say - she can't exactly say I'm the first wife don't call your husband that. Baffling and cruel then to enforce those rules on your own kids. Honestly is mn made up of nutters or is this genuinely what people think ?

It is mind boggling. And full of extremely dodgy ‘legal’ advice on the situation.

Tbh, I think that thread is suffering badly, not just from people with no understanding that stepmothers cannot just force SC to do things because of the whole responsibility with no authority thing, but people who have clearly no experience of 9 year olds in general.

I love the certainty with which this is said. Coupled with the insistence that they’ve made some sort of blood pact with their husband over it.

I mean, who is going to tell their wife that, actually, in the event that they do split up, he’ll be straight on tinder to find someone to spend all his spare time with?

Even if they do earnestly mean it in this weird conversation of whatifery, the circumstances that produce the split and the decision to separate the family are likely to render all previous understandings null and void. These same posters are probably equally adamant that he’d never have an affair, or become an alcoholic, or change in ways that make him unrecognisable as the man they married. They just can’t imagine any of that stuff, so why do they think they know what post-divorce life will look like.

Tbh, I also suspect that this kind of first wife is massively over represented in the pool of posters who say it was all going wonderfully in post-divorce co-parenting until that awful SM came along. Their exH’s probably do start out just toeing the party line and doing as they’re told. But then they meet someone any realise they aren’t happy with their ex acting as their boss all the time. The fresh eyes of an outsider thinking WTF? may help them to realise this, as might be her having boundaries that mean his ex doesn’t get to determine how she lives in her own home. As always, it’s blame the SM though. Don’t blame the children’s father. And certainly don’t examine your own motivations and expectations.

I mean, who is going to tell their wife that, actually, in the event that they do split up, he’ll be straight on tinder to find someone to spend all his spare time with?

He's certainly not going to tell her he'll be looking for someone to palm the childcare off on from day 1! Sex, yeah, nice - childcare, crucial.

I would so like to sit those pearl-clutchers down and tell them about my 9yr old self! (Buzzing door-bells and running for it late in the evening after walking through a busy part of town to organized activities, playing chicken through the quick sand with no adults in sight, climbing and falling out of trees.....)

I remember that poster @SpaceshiptoMars . Absolutely bizarre to think a theoretical conversation with a current spouse would bind them when they were an ex spouse! Because, you know, by dint of the split, the other matrimonial agreements obviously haven't endured 😆🙈

Oh sorry @Steptoeandson not @SpaceshiptoMars

Oh sorry @Steptoeandson not @SpaceshiptoMars

Also @Steptoeandson i forgot to say I TOTALLY agree with your future wedding and funeral fears. I have genuine involved moments of anxiety and fury about both! Only this last week DSD M refused to let 14 yo DSD get the train alone to her granny's. Despite the fact last month DSD got a short-haul flight alone. She insisted on driving her to my in laws. Clearly so she could have a good nosy 🙄 luckily my darling mil loves me and loathes her so probably sat her down with our wedding album 😆😆😆

Oh god please can I join you?

I started a thread to ask how to cope with step children, and it's full of mothers telling me how they treat their own children, and that is how I should treat my SCs and just get over it.

No offence but I don't want your experiences of dealing with children you gave birth to, who you have loved for 15 years... as how can you possibly understand or compare with my experience of having to adapt to life with a teenager who is not mine, who has habits I certainly don't like or approve of?

It’s just so unhelpful @BlackWhiteRed, isn’t it?

The stepparents support thread is generally a better place to go for actual advice from people who know how much more complex it is when it’s someone else’s teenager.

YES @BlackWhiteRed I hear ya 👏

Yeah and what we want is support from people who have experience of dealing with other people's teenagers. Not judgement from people who have zero experience of this!

Someone said upthread that you wouldn't go on the infertility threads and wade in to discussions if you have no experience of infertility... oh you'd be surprised!

I struggled with infertility, and sought lots of solace from the infertility threads. I had plenty of insensitive posts from 'helpful' posters who had no idea what they were talking about. "Oh I know how you feel, I felt the same when it took me 3 months to conceive my baby, just awful". or "You just need to relax, go on holiday and have a few drinks... worked for me and now I'm 9 months pregnant!" Yeah. No. Fuck off. Not helpful.

I think it’s fairly widespread in many areas. I just posted on a married to someone with autism support thread (which I was reading because my horrible H thinks he has ASD) to tell the first person who posted on it to stop going in as an ND person complaining about autism bashing.

People are entitled to support without people who have no experience or entirely the wrong kind of experience telling them off all the time!

For stepparenting, being a stepchild, being the exW, and even being a mother whose child has a stepfather are often the wrong experience tk have any understanding of the experience of being a stepmother.

You ladies are actually cracking me up. Have to laugh or would cry right ?

@BlackWhiteRed welcome to the dark side, we are all mad here (mainly because we have been driven mad by one person or another). Also posting on this board if your post gets traction seems to be the homing beacon of all peoples unrelated blended family emotions to be stored and launched at the op.

Actually had a poster recently preach about causing diversion and this board is lovely and friendly, and the used info I had previously shared on a separate thread re DSD as a learning education (for me obviously). The irony wasn't lost on me.

What I don't understand is that as mum you get unsolicited advice, as a stepmum it's unsolicited advice and a assessment to prove your worth the advice. That you didn't ask for.

@harriethoyle best ML ever !!

@Steptoeandson I got full on glare when I was dancing with DH on balcony and asked "why are you dancing" your not allowed to do that. Mum messaged asking if we would reframe from pdas. And I explained that if DSD comes into our room and stares out to us on our balcony. It's hardly a pda (we didn't know she was watching) same for hand holding ect she gets very why his he holding your hand ect.
I simply respond because he wants to (usually garners a frown)

Another rule :

Even though your DH are married you must never let it be known your married by wanting or engaging in psychical contact (hand holding, dancing ect) with said DH.

Remember DSC would be scarred for life if they saw it.

Best to avoid all touching at all times or not just when DSC are present because that might result in a pregnancy which means bad things for DSC and they won't approve.

If in doubt seek advice and approval from rex Dm and DSD re siblings and do not procreate without their firm approval.

Even then obviously this approval can be withdrawn at any time and expect time and do not expect them to be happy. It's a dark day for them so please make sure they know they are first in every matter of shared dc life.

Don't want people getting ideas above their station of maid, childcare, babysitter, payer of things