Ok, Ok, where's the magic Rule Book then?

[SpaceshiptoMars]

I keep seeing posts saying ''Step parents should... blah blah blah". No good reasons why, just 'because I say so'.

So come on then, all those who want to be rule setters for Step Mums. Where is your authority? Why do you think you get to tell other adults how to behave in their own home? Is it some kind of religious thing? Where is all this coming from?

Being a step-parent is basically shit. So shit. Totally shit. The worst. And I would never listen or take advice from anyone who hasn't been one. You can never fully understand what it's like if you haven't been there. I'm sure for some it's been an OK experience, but if you've had toxic people involved it can be so awful and detrimental to MH.

Oh my , are you me ?? 🥴

This has been my experience too.

it really is so contingent on how the other parties involve approach it. Key to whether it’s bearable or not often turns out to be your husband (even in the face of a dreadful ex and such like). Sadly, lots of us are badly let down by the man we married.

@Steptoeandson that sounds like a lot. Better women than me

I also got comments on breastfeeding and won't it make DSD uncomfortable 🥴

DSD had been asking for a sibling for a while (before Dc) and telling me I best crack on as I wasn't getting any younger to the point of slight bossiness until I pointed out it's a bit odd for any child to be so interested in my ovaries and their given age.

🥴🥴

Yes! 100 x yes!

@Steptoeandson personally I think it's down to lack of control. If they can't control you they try via partner and lastly the kids or mixture of all three.

Usually I just pretend like she's making a joke and I'm not getting she's being serious. Every time.

Egh it's so bloody hard. But a good lesson in how not to be a nut I suppose

@Steptoeandson 😉 best approach i think and a smart one too.

New rule : as a step parent the only reason you struggle is you hate children. Obviously 🙄 ... I want to get off this planet 😵‍💫

Step-parents should be allowed authority over step-children or else be absolved of all responsibility

@Coyoacan Are you new here 🥴

Of course we can't have authority over the DSC of the house we pay for, we aren't adults, we are only allowed the good stuff eg maid, financier, chauffeur and maid.
And very very grateful too.

Haven't you seen the rule book ?

Girls my crystal ball arrived today hurrah - praise be !
Nolite te Bastardes Carborundorum.

Anyone else find the subtle or not so subtle judgements calls people make, some of the worst parts of being a SP or is it just me ?

Yes! They do..no idea why. I went to a family do with my DH and the DSC and as soon as I was introduced the conversation always very quickly dried up! So weird. Also agree re taking the DSC anywhere by myself, it's like I can silence a room just by walking into it with them!

Yes. It’s like admitting to some personal shame. And, because you’ve admitted to not being one of them (even if you are a parent to your own children 🙄) you are subtly shunned.

Tbf, something similar does happen to you when people find out you’re a single mum. But less so, and there are plenty of other single mums at the school gate too. But a stepmother is just a problem for everyone. Possibly even more so for many of the single mums.

I found that one of the hardest things about being a stepmum was his isolating it is. It’s harder to sustain friendships (as someone said on another thread, and was criticised, of course!) because you have to make sure that every second weekend is centred around the royal visitors. Making your own plans - especially if they involve doing things with your child(ren), your friends and their children - is leaving the SC out and not viewing them as family. But, equally, turning up with two extra children (of an incompatible age to the ones you’d planned around) and then their father might want to tag along changes things and means your friends aren’t likely to want to repeat it.

And then there’s the not being able to talk about all sorts of things because you might sound like an evil SM. So you struggle with so much, but have to put on a big happy family facade. Even with other stepfamilies, there’s an inability to tell the truth. Which actually makes it worse - when your husband starts with X&Y are really happy. Why are you so difficult about this? He’s not seeing any of the issues behind Y’s painted on smile and public performance though.

Even on MN, a SM admitting that life with SC is anything but wonderful and they’re positively delighted to be in their lives is met with a whole mix of blame and vitriol from several different angles at once.

No wonder so many of us were so ‘naive’ in getting into it. There are so many reasons why the truth is hidden and anyone who admits it is ostracised as one of those awful evil SMs. But we would never be one of them. We are nice people. 😩

@SpaceshiptoMars I think the silencing is like a super power personally. I have a tendency to lean into the evil narrative a tad because people say it in front my DSD and it's so awkward.

Most recent example

Me :I'm DSC step mum not her mum
Person : oh that must be hard said with pitying look at DSD (with DSD standing there)
Me: not really she's locked in the basement most days, out for our regular walk in fresh air
Person: (now deeply suspicious I'm taking the piss) talks to DSD - "must be so lovely you own your own horse, your very lucky to have a mummy and dad who pay for it."
DSD : (totally not getting why this women is acting like a nut) er actually candles pays for my horse. We go out riding together a lot.
Person : oh and how does your mum feel about you doing such a dangerous sport... (whilst looking me up and down to see if I'm suitable to take DSD horse riding or call nscp)
DSD : what is going on (confused)
Person : oh erm (looking around to speak to stable hand) said in a non whisper pointing to me "do you know her"
Stable hand : yes this is candles and candles step daughter. They have stabled horse x and y and I have known candles donkeys years, she even taught me how to ride ect
Person : well if your sure... I best go and shuffles off with a backwards glance showing she's now deeply concerned.

This convo happened after 30mins chatting about horse riding how we like to hack out together, experience with different shows, local stables, events me and DSD have gone to.She was saying how lucky DSD was for having such a experienced mum to take her riding. That's what prompted the above.

Suddenly my experience and knowledge vanished when you out sm in front of it.

After this I then spent the hack trying to explain why the women would suddenly change jbecause I said I was her step mum not her mum and why suddenly she would act like that. In tiny weenie detail. Over and over because dad didn't get it, and still doesn't get this evil sm logic. I even played her sleeping beauty when we got back and said look there's me. But she said but that isn't like you not even close. Around and around and around we went. How do you explain this with someone who has asd ? My usual people are 🛎 and ends didnt work.

And I spent a afternoon clearing up the mess someone else's assumptions had made in my DSD head. Never felt like such a sm in that moment. It's how I describe sp. In a nut shell.

Sorry to vent all just really annoyed about it tbh, not what she said but how it impacted DSD.

*DSD please excuse typos.

i'm kind of a step mum.. my DSD was 8 when i got with her dad, and i left him again 6 years ago, and she is now an adult, and we only ever had her once a week for a few hours.

From my experience on mumsnet in particular as a stepmum, its because everyones opinions of step parenting come from a very personal place.. either having been part of a blended family themselves, or had to deal with marriage breakdowns and new partners coming into the mix, how the kids coped...etc.

There will never be any hard and fast rules, only other peoples opinions on how you ought to behave.. and i take the view that if they aren't feeding, fucking, or financing me, they can mind their own damn business.

@ArtixLynx

Based on this alone I like you.

i take the view that if they aren't feeding, fucking, or financing me, they can mind their own damn business.

@pitchforksandflamethrowers

And I spent a afternoon clearing up the mess someone else's assumptions had made in my DSD head.

Ah, that rule that if your are an SM, any apparently lovely thing you do for DSC can only done with the most evil of motives at the heart of it. Because why would you take DSD horseriding, unless you were engineering a plausible fatal accident? <sarcasm>

I've fallen foul of that one. Breakthrough yesterday though. DSC told me they now believe me that I was physically threatened by eldest (who was also assuming the worst of me for doing good parent stuff). It has taken years of holding steady and patience under fire to get to this point and I feel stunned and mightily relieved.

I have 2 lovely young ladies in my life, my partner's DD's plus my own 2. We are in a different age category to some of us because all of our kids are now adults.

When I was doing old I knew I didn't want to be a stepmother to children, nor did I want (probably not possibly) more kids of my own so I made sure I didn't.

I have one dc plus Dp's younger dd living with us full time (wasn't on the cards when we met, her mum decided she wanted to move and dsd wasn't invited to join her!) so she moved in, my dd was already here, she decided not to live in the large family home I had arranged for my ex to keep until she left home, best laid plans ... we are a blended happy family, we respect boundaries but also the kids recognise our authority still, perhaps more than if we were both their birth parents!

If you meet someone with kids you need to accept they may turn up one day to live with you full time, announce they are coming too when you planned a night out for two, that their mother will be part of your life so you might as well all be friendly, that gifts are going to be awkward (we pay for our kids gifts separately for ease, he spends far more on his kids gifts but my kids get gifts from wider family in far higher monetary amounts). Oh and despite being adults they do want to go on big family holidays and are quite disappointed I haven't booked one (I've promised camping)

@SpaceshiptoMars I'm glad to hear there might be light at the end of the tunnel !! Hurrah !! Certainly a win ! Off. Topic completely did they suggest any solutions re how to handle it ?

😩 drives me bloody crackers. I have had to use extreme sarcasm so that DSD knows not to worry about these nuts. But worry her it does.

Suddenly my experience and knowledge vanished when you out sm in front of it. this pretty up sums up how I feel about how people react to me.

@Ontomatopea I don't have any solutions other than to turn it into a joke. It's hard.