Ok, Ok, where's the magic Rule Book then?

[SpaceshiptoMars]

I keep seeing posts saying ''Step parents should... blah blah blah". No good reasons why, just 'because I say so'.

So come on then, all those who want to be rule setters for Step Mums. Where is your authority? Why do you think you get to tell other adults how to behave in their own home? Is it some kind of religious thing? Where is all this coming from?

I'm glad to hear there might be light at the end of the tunnel !! Hurrah !! Certainly a win ! Off. Topic completely did they suggest any solutions re how to handle it ?

Well, not sure about light at the end, but the electrician has been tinkering about with the lights in the tunnel and we now have a small amount of illumination for 100 yards ahead! Solutions, no, but some slight movement from the eldest in the right direction. A feeling that the scales are now tipping more in our direction.

Sounds a good approach though

@SpaceshiptoMars a win is a win.. also if you pass on the Electricians number I would be most grateful !!!

This weekend I'm sing the hills are alive loudly in the face of v loud drama going on and I'm dedicating it to you !

@pitchforksandflamethrowers I've never been a step-parent, but I never left my dd with anyone without giving them authority over her. If I hadn't trusted them, I wouldn't have left her with them.

A friend of mine was a step-mother without authority and it all ended in tears, as it would.

@Coyoacan although this isn't the post your referencing, I will play ball.

You can give responsibility over a child but you aren't giving parental responsibility over for a child and it doesn't matter who married who, that doesn't change.

I imagine if you suggested handing over parental responsibility on the thread your referencing,you would get torn a new one by a fair amount of mums going no I wouldn't allow that because that is essentially adoption.

Because if that happened and op did have parental responsibility she could make that choice off her own back without mum or dads approval to leave.

Plenty of mums on that thread have already said for their children they have left them for 40mins and the child been fine. Their choice. Op did not have that option.
People with parental responsibility would have also be been able to man handle the child into the car without the protests of abuse.

If my DSD mum died, I would seek parental responsibility because of medical conditions DSD had.

That is as it is, I am not married to a man and thankfully do not have a mum disempowers me in my own home and stops to do what I need to do for all the kids ie I do not have mum treating me like her boss.

All that said it's still incredibly hard but imo worth it. This is a tongue in cheek post. Everything has a rate of failure.

Has** ffs stupid phone

Well parental responsability is a whole other ballgame. I am referring to the fact that the person looking a child has to make a decision on the spur of the moment, they should know that the parents will back them on it, especially the parent who is their partner.

I'm not talking about any other subject than the subject of this thread. If you love your children, you shouldn't get together with someone you wouldn't trust to discipline them, IMHO.

@Coyoacan

You would hope and I agree. The problem often comes from mum and dad not being in agreement in sm having that right.

Not everyone is so lucky. You will know hopefully your partner will back you, but others who aren't your partner will not (who sadly have influence over your quality of life) and you have no way to know which way these other parties will slide when you marry as it all can change based on circumstances.

I'm not a perfect mum so I don't assume I'm a perfect sm but I try, and i would hope based on that people close to me wouldn't be calling the police or threatening ss, or being as vile as they are on that threat. But I have no control over that. Sadly

I don't envy any of you.

If you meet someone with kids you need to accept they may turn up one day to live with you full time, announce they are coming too when you planned a night out for two, that their mother will be part of your life so you might as well all be friendly, that gifts are going to be awkward (we pay for our kids gifts separately for ease, he spends far more on his kids gifts but my kids get gifts from wider family in far higher monetary amounts). Oh and despite being adults they do want to go on big family holidays and are quite disappointed I haven't booked one (I've promised campingGrin)

Oh. Of course.

none of us realised we might need to accept the kids. Or that we could just be friendly to their mother. Or that being willing to be a bit adaptable would be helpful.

Thanks for enlightening us. Clearly we’re all just imagining the various barriers to any of that. 🙄

Thing is… he might love you and even trust you.

but they have another parent who does not love you. And who sometimes utterly resents your existence.

Someone who has considerable power to influence the children (and their attitude to you) and to set off the divorced dad fear that he’ll lose his children. Which can (and often does) mean that he disempowers and undermines you in a bid to placate his children and their mother.

All of which most definitely undermines your ability to discipline the children. And most definitely doesn’t give you any authority to make decisions (or input into them) even where those decisions have considerable effects on your life (and your children’s).

Because it’s never as simple as you having good intentions, trying your best, being the ‘bigger person’ or any of the dismissive crap that gets thrown at stepmums who find themselves in these situations.