Ok, Ok, where's the magic Rule Book then?

[SpaceshiptoMars]

I keep seeing posts saying ''Step parents should... blah blah blah". No good reasons why, just 'because I say so'.

So come on then, all those who want to be rule setters for Step Mums. Where is your authority? Why do you think you get to tell other adults how to behave in their own home? Is it some kind of religious thing? Where is all this coming from?

Dad has kids have 50/50 contact and pays maintenance (which he doesn't have to do. He's a sihit dad.

Dad wants to see the kids more clearly the only reason is to reduce maintenance couldn't be any other reason (although I acknowledge some dads do this) but it isn't the rule.

Indeed @CharlieAndTooManyCharacters ! 🤣🙈

There’s also the rule that the SC are not visitors in your house; it’s their home. But, of course, the shouldn’t be treated like everyone else who lives there. You can’t actually treat them like it’s their home.

Oh yes I had similar they didn’t want to be bridesmaids they wanted to sit by their dad and that was it. But noooo... his whole family seemed to think it was scandalous they weren't my bridesmaids. Somehow it was my fault..

This is true. DC living with their dad "full time" makes up for absolutely anything else.

It's their home but you as stepmum must tidy their room, have fresh towels put on their bed ready even if they just chuck them on the floor. They must have special food and be able to use all your posh shower gel without being reprimanded.

If you want to throw a birthday party for your DC on their actual birthday then forget about it unless 1. The SDC are there, if not it must wait. 2. You throw the SDC one too even though they know no one in the area to invite and their dad won't pay for it so you as SM have to.

Yes. You must treat them as special guests who have the authority to do what they like.

New one.

If you don't want to provide unpaid childcare for DSC to enable the parents to work, you must hate and dislike your DSC.

Doesn't matter if this impacts your own job. Remember you knew what you were getting into and all that jazz.

It baffles me how some people don't think for a second that the parents might have known what they were getting into when they had a child/when they split from that child's parent/when they remarried.
Didn't they know they as the parents are the only ones ultimately responsible for a child? Didn't they know that in splitting up their relationship their child would no longer be a part of a textbook nuclear family?
Didn't they know that when they remarried they were taking on a spouse and human being of equal value to anyone else, not a dogsbody to dump their responsibilities on?
How can they possibly not have known these things?

I think @Yousee they do know all this but think oh look at squirrel. Makes me cross tbh because that statement lets the parents off any type of responsibility.

Ah. There’s also the rule that need SM is always entirely morally, legally l, financially and socially responsible for the SC. It’s unstated in the wedding vows, don’t you know.

But the parents are under no obligation to grant her any authority in regards to them. In fact, they should undermine this as much as they like. Especially the child’s mother. Who gets to make all the decisions in relation to the child and whose authority most definitely exceeds that of their father.

DF cannot change scheduled contact even with plenty of notice and for a completely unavoidable event without all hell breaking loose,DF being called all names under the sun and future contact withdrawal threatened. DM can however regularly change contact at last minute with no real reason and expects there to be no complaints about this despite the change ruining plans in the other household

And let's not forget... we ALL knew what we were getting into! That marvellous gift of foresight! It's a shame biological parents appear to lack it, isn't it?

There’s also the aligned rule that mothers who are no longer with the child’s father are absolutely, fundamentally entitled to their time off being a parent. Under no circumstances should they be expected to take any responsibility for their children on ‘dad’s time’. No matter what.

A SM signed up to enabling this. Its her responsibility to have the SC as planned on behalf of both parents. After all there is that unspoken wedding vow where you agreed to look after the SC whenever it suited either parent. And to take the blame if your DH has to cancel or reschedule because it was your duty to do it for him.

That one I find utterly bizarre as a mother. I don’t stop being a mother (and all
that entails) every other weekend.

I wish I had known what I was getting into but it appears I was missed when the SM crystal balls were handed out, along with the rule book! So much truth in this thread and I'm glad so many of us are able to be honest about the reality of being a SM, however uncomfortable that might be for the 'you knew what you were getting into' lot.

I've got really good over my years on MN at weeding out what's useful to me (and where I can be useful to other posters) on threads and completely ignoring what isn't and that's never more useful than on this board. It's a shame there's so little regard or respect for SM's, most of us are just trying to do our best by all concerned and that goes unnoticed and unappreciated too much of the time.

The dispatch processes for these crystal balls and rule books are dreadful. So many of us appear to have missed out.

Exactly @Steptoeandson. Ther

Should say. There are loads of women out there who never get a break from family life. And don’t really even see it as something there should be ‘time off’ from.

I never wanted to have to give up EOW with DS. It’s ended up that way. If I’m asked to have him, I’m generally happy to do so. If there’s an issue, his dad and I need to figure out a solution. But I don’t consider it being my ‘time off’ as a factor.

I have thought of one 'rule'. Old Testament. Onan. (Genesis 38). Killed by God because he practised coitus interruptus. He did so to avoid getting his 2nd wife pregnant, and then having to deal with the fallout from the first family - because they'd have to share their inheritance with the new sprogs.

Surprisingly relevant!

Indeed it is @SpaceshiptoMars.

although in MN, most people would have opted for killing the second wife.

But not before making sure her will was in order and the DSC comfortably provided for

And be honoured by their very presence.