Ok, Ok, where's the magic Rule Book then?

[SpaceshiptoMars]

I keep seeing posts saying ''Step parents should... blah blah blah". No good reasons why, just 'because I say so'.

So come on then, all those who want to be rule setters for Step Mums. Where is your authority? Why do you think you get to tell other adults how to behave in their own home? Is it some kind of religious thing? Where is all this coming from?

You have selfish idiot mother's,father's, step dad and step mums causing issues for all the others.

You have all 4 trying to do their best, what they think is right, but their best doesn't agree with the others' best.

What we think is best in a particular time doesn't feel so right many years later.

You have what's best for one family isn't best for another. This forum should a place for discussion and reflection for all. Not a place where it SMs who all have it right are allowed to share their views and advice.

To quote a mumsnet moderator

"Although others are welcome to post on board. This is the step parenting board and step parents are allowed to blow of steam and have a space space to talk about things, without judgement ect" (or in the case of where this was posted told not to have children)

I can't find the original quote but that was the gist of it.

A poster can say this is my lived experience with DSC/mum/dad/ML and it be just a valid as another with a different experience. They aren't speaking about all DSC/mum/dad/ML, just their perspective which the step parenting board should be a safe place to be said without that person, being shamed or being told your a horrible person.

I'm also a DM and I don't agree with half the stuff that goes down on here I really don't. IMO

Aw absolutely feeling the issues with DC being upset when DSD goes back to her mum's. I didn't see it coming. My dad always worked away it was just part of our routine, we didn't know any different. He always came back and was completely present with us when he wasn't working, school runs, sports days, the lot. We felt lucky compared to our friends whose dads worked the Mon - Frid grind. It didn't occur to me that DS would struggle with his sister coming and going.
What makes it worse is that besides asking for his sister, he's started telling me he wants to go up to the clouds to play with his stillborn brother (my DS2). He's growing up essentially as an only child even though he's one of 3 😭
I'm due DS3 in a few weeks, so he will have a sibling here all the time at last. Hope it's not too big of a shock to his system!

Yes. It’s really hard.

The SC coming and going, and the atmosphere in the house dramatically shifting, is hugely disruptive to them resident children. Even more so when their generally grumpy and work/focused father seems to suddenly come alive and centre his existence around the SC. Or when the SC’s mother is always causing drama that negatively affects them. Or when the rules for the SC is almost the reverse of the rules for everyone else in the house.

But no one is supposed to talk about that. The SM knew what she was getting in to, so her children matter less and just have to live with the disruption or the very obvious double standards. It only matters that it might be hard for the SC, not any step or half siblings.

You aren’t allowed to say, ‘well they can’t help that they’re rude because they spend most of their time with a woman who not only has no manners but actively teaches them to be rude and demanding. You are being brought up much better than that, so we expect better from you.’ That would be divisive for the half siblings. And hurtful for the SC to be told that they are rude and demanding and that their mother’s
choices are, frankly, awful.

Here’s a screenshot of what MMHQ said.

@Yousee CONGRATULATIONS!!! Bloody hard going though that after loss of a child. No words just 💐 and I hope everything goes as smoothly as possible

Hearing my Dd talk of her older brother and colour were his eyes and why he didn't stay breaks me tbh. She has got two cuddly toys named after DSD and her big brother which she takes to bed with her. Seems to help but who knows if it's the right thing to do

@CharlieAndTooManyCharacters thank you lovely I couldn't find it !!

@Yousee also having had baby arrive safely 4 months ago - the first weeks are hard very hard. But it gets so so much better. I had so much guilt re dd but she's the best big sister to her baby brother

@CharlieAndTooManyCharacters you know i have my sc hat on, my family simplified it by what goes on in that house is none of our concern, but what happens in this house is x. Zero debate over what mum does at hers and all the kids were expected to act the same. My sister (half) said at the time she found it frustrating but as a adult she liked the structure and appreciates it now. Don't help when your in the thick of it though. Her mum was rarely mentioned in our house by the adults mainly because they wanted to protect the kids (my sister included) from the worst of the behaviour. Honestly how they kept their temper is beyond me.

Here we go…
Here we go indeed! The post from MN is clear. SMs can vent and shouldn't be judged unfairly.

It doesn't say it's exclusive to current SMs. I haven't criticized, insulted, said SMs were in the wrong. I said nothing at all personal.

But as you say, here we go again indeed!

There’s no need for a rule book, there is but one rule of step parenting: you are wrong.

@pitchforksandflamethrowers

I think, ideally, you would hope for that kind of boundary. I mean, the kids behave differently at school too.

The problem is when you come up against a malevolent ex desperate to be in charge everywhere and to find a reason to threaten to withhold contact. And/or a guilt ridden Disney dad who feels too sorry for the ‘poor SC’ and can’t bring himself to make it clear that what happens at their mum’s house is not ok in his house. It feeds further into a compensating the SC (and expecting the resident children to simply put up with it all, or even be grateful that they aren’t being brought up by the kind of people you’d actually have seen on Jeremy Kyle).

@LadyCatStark
You win the thread I think. Excellent summary. 👏

There's always a bit of a taboo about stepparents, because for them to exist, there has to have been some kind of relationship/family breakdown before it - whether that stepparent was involved in it or not. So there will always be the feeling of 'I want my child to be looked after' being completely conflicted with 'I don't want that woman/man to take my place'. That's where it comes from.

I am a stepparent and I fucking hate the double standard. DSS is (or at least was when he was a child) happy for me to cook, clean, do his washing or take him to school.. but as soon as I tell him it's time to turn the computer off and do some homework it's 'you're not my mum'. (I just turned the internet off every time I got that lovely comment - fuck that shit).

Another one: if DSC M only works part time despite DSC being neurotypical teenagers who need no pre/post school care, it's not because she's an idle beast AT ALL (and who the hell do you think you are suggesting that), she could have ALL KINDS of hidden health needs restricting her ability to work. Apparently neither her children or their father knew of them but the first wives club on here do 🤣

Just to be pedantic (I think you have merged me and another poster posts together) I didn't say here we go again. And I am pendant in so apologises here

I'm also not accusing you of shaming saying anything nasty.

I'm saying that sp shouldn't have to heavily edit what they say on this thread within the step parenting board as many are venting. We aren't doing it at anyone and it's all a bit tongue in cheek.

But, it wouldn’t be ok for the SC’s father to reduce his earning capacity by going PT to care for any younger children. Because then he wouldn’t be paying enough maintenance to enable his ex to continue not working.

If he does, the SM is duty bound to cough up the maintenance in compensation.

It would also be utterly unacceptable for him to increase his contact with the SC to reflect his greater availability. 50-50 would be unacceptable. Anything greater cruelty to the ex. Because why should the ex have to consider getting a job herself?

I didn't take what you put as anything bad tbh.

I thought what you put in my head tbh especially reading the last sentence that was posted by pp. it's by the by anyhow you didn't do anything wrong.