My young son didn't recognize his older brother

[Anuta77]

Another story/rant from my "blended" family circus.
I have a 22 year old SS which whom I never had issues and whom I always liked. Our shared child is almost 5.

Anyhow, when SS was 15-16, he used to be very caring with our then 7-8 year old kids, always watching if they were behind, playing with them... Then with age, he started coming to our house less and less. My DP of course visited him regularlly at his house and they are close. Understanding that young people have other interests, I made some efforts to invite them to eat or to organize family activities that everyone can enjoy like horse back riding, mountain biking, etc. Just like companies organize team-building activities, I thought that it would help, but it didn't. If there was no official invitation, SS didn't see the reason to visit.

At the same time, he's very involved with DP's other ex (ex Step mother who didn't even raise him) because her son is his age. Once at a Xmas gathering at ours, he initiated a long phone conversation with them, putting them on speakers and ending it with "I love you, family and I'm coming for a breakfast to your house tomorrow".

I think after that, he hasn't set foot in our house in about 1.5 years! Yep! He lives 35 min away and owns a car. The last 2 Xmases he conveniently had a light form of covid, but once that passed, he apparently didn't have a reason to come. Last year's DP's bday, he didn't feel like coming either. Father's day: never comes.

Finally he decided to visit my DP after his bday this year and my young son thought it was just some random guest! He know that he has a brother with that name and SD had to excitedly show him our family picture (taken when my son was a baby) to "proove" that it was his brother.

I was sad and I don't understand how nobody around me thinks it's a big deal.

His families are his -

Mother and father
Father and first SM
Father and current SM
Ex-SM and current DP
Mother and first SF
Mother and current SM
Ex-SM and current DP

Who has time for that?!

Also note that ex-SM goes out of her way to visit him. Current SM doesn't. Only his father in father's current family bothers to visit him.

Ignore the "last Ex-SM and current DP"

Also, SS has been helping renovate current SM and father's cottage. So, it's not all father visiting him.

Oh my lord, I'm not expecting him to go out of his way to see his current step mother for the last time.

The thread is about him seeing his brother and also the fact he never seems to make the effort to actually visit his father's house instead only seeing him if the father goes to him.

In terms of people he actually needs to visit, his father and his ex SM aren't a family in that sense. He doesn't have two father's to visit. He has ONE father who's house is shared by OP and his brother.

I would think his father and sibling would be two of the main people he'd have time to visit. At 22 I wasn't only seeing my dad when he came to me, were you?

I just can't imagine at 22 only seeing my 5 year old sibling once in 1 and a half years and no, I don't think that's really something to be excused or encouraged, not from an adult who's capable of making a bit more effort than that.

This is the nature of blended families. Why should your SS see you as real family. He had a real family and it ended, very likely for what seemed no particular reason to him.

If anyone wants big happy families without these complications you can only get that with children by one partner, not multiple. Why would you think it could be otherwise? Think about it.

@Lilithslove “Yes it must be tough on the SS. But that's on the parents not that op.
The op is focused on the impact on her child - perhaps if the her step son's parents had been similarly focused on impacts on him he would have found it easier to deal with.”

She choose to be one of his stepparents - as you say the OP is focused on the impact on HER child and as SS is aware he isn’t her child. It’s foolish to think stepkids are going to be enthusiastic about going to see their parents new wife or husband and new kids that was made when their parents ended the old family (you know their family). And OP is a willing participant in that.

Why is it for SS to re orginization his life for a family that basically fucked him over and SP and sibling her probably never wanted? If anything everyone owes him more sympathy not the opposite.

If anything everyone owes him more sympathy not the opposite

As per usual.

Why is it for SS to re orginization his life for a family that basically fucked him over and SP and sibling her probably never wanted?

You know there are plenty of people on here and in RL who have half siblings that they love just like any other sibling.

@Tetetete

Shes his father 3rd wife though. After he’s been through so many “families” I doubt he has the energy to care any more about his father or his various spouses. He may love his half brother but just can’t be bothered with the whole deal. I don’t blame him.

Actually yes. I haven't seen my father since I was 24 or my half-brother since he was a baby. When I didn't visit them, they never made any effort to visit me. It was very obvious they were a family, and I wasn't part of it after baby arrived. Maybe OP's SS thinks the same way - his father/SM never bring the child to see him, so they probably don't care for him to have a relationship with the child. But at least his father keeps in contact. It's just a shame no one makes an effort on behalf of the little brother.

he never seems to make the effort to actually visit his father's house

He goes to his father's cottage, though. It's not always father visiting SS. The father is the one who needs to make more effort on behalf of his youngest son.

Reading this is exhausting and somewhat explains why DSS stays away.
Remind me why does your DH not take your shared son to visit his older half brother.
Would it be harsh to suggest he can't be bothered and takes the opportunity to visit on his own?

And do you know there are plenty of people who have half siblings who they DON'T love just like any other sibling? Indeed there are many people with full siblings that they don't love at all.

You "oh we're such a happy blended family" types seems completely unable or unwilling to understand that not everyone is like you, and not everyone has to be like you. This wilful determination not to see reality suggests you do protest too much about how rosy everything is in your garden...

Nobody has to care about their half siblings that they don't know (or that they do). It's not compulsory, there's nothing wrong with them if they don't.

DP has an older brother with this age gap. His brother has never bothered with him and now they only talk if there is a family gathering.

And do you know there are plenty of people who have half siblings who they DON'T love just like any other sibling? Indeed there are many people with full siblings that they don't love at all.

Well yes but I don't think this is a good thing or an ideal scenario. It's not unreasonable that the OP wants better for her son and step son. I think most people would hope for better.

The step son clearly doesn't hope for that. The son is 4 and it won't be a thing for him unless OP makes it one.

As for "better", well that your opinion. The people involved here might not agree with you. It's not for you to tell others that they should love people they don't.

It sounds like the SS has learned that family is not just about blood, hence his close relationship with ex stepmum and her family.

It's not for you to tell others that they should love people they don't.

@WillMcAvoy I bet you would berate a step mother for not loving her step child though.

Also, to be clear, I am not saying the SS should love his brother. I am saying that I understand the OP's sadness that he doesn't. Can you see the difference? I am empathizing with the SM rather than berating the SS.

It's not for you to tell others that they should love people they don't

And yet SPs and their families are told this very thing about step children/step grandchildren ect.. time and time again. Hmm.

@Disney11
@Lilithslove

Step parents choose to enter children lives that’s the big difference - if you don’t want to love children that aren’t yours you have a choice to not become a step parent - if you choose to become one anyway and don’t love the step kids then you should be judged.

This young man never had that choice - his families broke up multiple times, probably against his wishes and added new step mothers and children each time. All while he was growing up.

Huge difference between him a boy whose families broke up and he had no choice in the matter and a stepmum who made a blended family by choice who doesn’t love the step kids, huge difference. And I think people know that.

@TinaTubster his little brother had no choice either. Why is it OK for that little boy not to have the love of his brother? I don't think you can have it both ways.

@Lilithslove

Its not a matter of having it both ways. You were comparing him to stepparents not his brother. This is what happens in blended families - that young man has been in his brothers place - when he was his family broke up, then we he was a little older and had a “new family” - they broke up again, now he has another “new family” and he’s basically thrown his hands up and said “I’m out” - and I don’t blame him, He has been polite about it though so I really don’t think he’s done anything wrong.

If this marriage breaks up and his little brother finds himself in the same situation - new step mum and dad, not once but twice - he would feel the same way.

It sucks but this young man isn’t the one who has hurt his little brother, he’s not old enough for that - it’s his parents and step parents who have created the situation - if they want to blame anyone for a young man whose been through 3 families not visiting a child from the third they should take a look at themselves, because that’s where blame lies.

I think for me the hypocrisy is that we are often told that "they are children, you're the adult" blah blah. Well that's the case here too. The step son is an ADULT, his little brother is a child. And as much as it wasn't the step sons choice, it wasn't the little boys either.

And step parents may make a choice, their families don't though and they too are often told on MN they should treat DSC just like their own grandchildren and so on... Because they are adults and the DSC are children deserving on love blah blah.

if you choose to become one anyway and don’t love the step kids then you should be judged

Tbf it doesn't matter who you are. If you don't love someone you don't love them.

@Disney11

It very much matters as I’ve already said. A woman who marries a man with kids and doesn’t love those kids thereby damaging them and making their childhood worse is 100% more culpable than a young man whose father has gotten married yet again and had yet another child with a woman other than his own mother, who doesn’t love that child. But in truth he may love his brother - he probably just doesn’t want to spend much time with his family that isn’t his family, especially at his age.

Frankly I think the young man is doing well to be so polite about it all and not express what resentment he surely must have at what can’t have been an easy childhood for him.

@Disney11

There is no hypocrisy for the reasons I’ve said. Stepparents are 100% culpable for the decision they make to enter children lives. The step children are 100% not culpable for this. This is a fact and anyone saying otherwise just wants to excuse their own lack of love for stepkids they choose to become step parents too or are mad that there step kids don’t act the way they want them too.

Grandparents are another thing altogether. I wouldn’t expect a grandparent to love a stepchild like their own grandchild unless it was a specific circumstance (like maybe they were the only family since when they were very young). It’s not natural. They should be at least cordial though.