My young son didn't recognize his older brother

[Anuta77]

Another story/rant from my "blended" family circus.
I have a 22 year old SS which whom I never had issues and whom I always liked. Our shared child is almost 5.

Anyhow, when SS was 15-16, he used to be very caring with our then 7-8 year old kids, always watching if they were behind, playing with them... Then with age, he started coming to our house less and less. My DP of course visited him regularlly at his house and they are close. Understanding that young people have other interests, I made some efforts to invite them to eat or to organize family activities that everyone can enjoy like horse back riding, mountain biking, etc. Just like companies organize team-building activities, I thought that it would help, but it didn't. If there was no official invitation, SS didn't see the reason to visit.

At the same time, he's very involved with DP's other ex (ex Step mother who didn't even raise him) because her son is his age. Once at a Xmas gathering at ours, he initiated a long phone conversation with them, putting them on speakers and ending it with "I love you, family and I'm coming for a breakfast to your house tomorrow".

I think after that, he hasn't set foot in our house in about 1.5 years! Yep! He lives 35 min away and owns a car. The last 2 Xmases he conveniently had a light form of covid, but once that passed, he apparently didn't have a reason to come. Last year's DP's bday, he didn't feel like coming either. Father's day: never comes.

Finally he decided to visit my DP after his bday this year and my young son thought it was just some random guest! He know that he has a brother with that name and SD had to excitedly show him our family picture (taken when my son was a baby) to "proove" that it was his brother.

I was sad and I don't understand how nobody around me thinks it's a big deal.

Your SS was old enough to be his half sibling's father when he was born. Small children are rarely interesting to late teens/ early twenties. As long as he has a good relationship with his dad, he really has no need to spend time with your son. It's down to his dad to help him build a relationship with him if he's bothered about it himself.

I was sad and I don't understand how nobody around me thinks it's a big deal.

Because it's not a big deal for anyone, except you.

OP you seem to have an idea of what things should be like with one big happy family. That is not realistic with a DP who seems to have remarried twice since being with his son's mum. I am sorry, it just isn't.

If it's any consolation my DD has two half brothers she's not seen seen she was about 8. That's down to her father to be fair and nothing to do with me. They are both now well into their 30's and shes 23. She's not remotely bothered by it. Maybe they'll reconnect one day or maybe they won't. Personally I'd like it if they did but it's not down to me. I think you're being a bit dramatic although I do understand why you feel like you do.

When your a child and your parents introduce multiple step parents, it can be emotionally exhausting. It certainly was for me.

I'm in contact with a former step mum, I have no contact with my dad or the woman he's married to.

I'm in contact with a step sister from a different relationship of his.

Sometimes when your parents put you through the ringer with several significant relationships it's easier when you are old enough to have a voice to just pick the bits that suit you the best.

Your partners son clearly has strong family values, he sees his dad every week as a young adult, he spends time with a former step family, maybe that's just the limit he can deal with on a regular basis.

This poor guy! Even full siblings may not like each other or have anything in common & there's no obligation for anyone to have contact with a sibling. Maybe just leave things be & let everyone get on with their own lives?

It would make a difference to whom? You only seem worried about your son, and not your step-son and the the reason behind why he doesn't visit more often.

A big chunk of your 5 year old's life was duringng the various lockdowns..so it's not surprising that SS didn't have much of a bond with him. Presumably they didn't meet at all for the best part of a year.

And yes, you're his second step parent, so I imagine he's learned that investing time and emotion into building the relationship with you and his SB might not be worth it..

"Why should he choose to put his life on hold to play happy families with you?"

@RedToothBrush, it's strange that you don't see the difference between putting one's life ON HOLD to PLAY happy families with me and NOT BEING RECOGNIZED by your BROTHER. Many uncles ARE recognized and LOVED by their nephews.

Well that’s on your OH surely? Why doesn’t he take his kids to see their brother?

Correction: it's not a big deal for anyone, INCLUDING me. It doesn't mean that I have to be 100% indifferent about this state of things. But I understood and as of today I forget about the SS (although it's kind of hard as his father constantly mentions him and what he's doing in life, and it's kind of impolite to tell me to spare me the details of his life). I know that my son will not really care, so no harm done.

SS didn't care about lockdowns, maybe at the beginning, but his life continued normally after a couple of months.

Your SS is 17 now.

your partner was perfectly legally entitled
to see him during lockdowns. That’s a red herring.

Why does your DP not take his young son with him when he visits his older son?

@saraclara
His father was partly in a long distance relationship with ex SM. Ex SM simply decided after the separation to ACTIVELY continue be in SS's life by clinging to SS's mother (yes, that's the word as I've seen them together showing exagerrated affection, even sitting with legs on top of each other). They visit each other, etc. She used to guilt my DP into being present for her son, so there's a big chance that she's also somewhat using SS as "family" for her son. I mean, she even has new step kids with her new boyfriend, yet, she puts the energy into DP's sons. So obviously, I didn't have a lot of chance there.

And there's no reason to "invest himself extensively" in me, I mean how people manage several friends? How hard is it really? And the ex SM has had several boyfriends with the last one living with her. Shouldn't it be exhausting for SS to connect with him? And his mother has also one ex and now, a girfriend! Ans SS seems to have some sort of a relationship with all.

But of course, if he doesn't want, fine. We still can rant about what we don't like, that's what the forums are for.

OP you still haven't answered the obvious question, why isn't your DP taking your DS to see DSS when he goes each week?

No, because a young son needs to be taken care of and when DP spends time with his adult sons, they are having a conversation or going to a gym. Also, like I mentionned earlier, relationships are a two way street, and typically older people make efforts with younger. If SS has zero interest in his brother, bringing him will not change anything.

So you expect a 17 year old to make more effort than an adult Man?

your Partner doesn’t sound great if he isn’t capable of looking after his child for an afternoon.

Since your OH has no interest in building a relationship between his children, why should your stepson invest in it?

especially when this man has had a series of relationships and to your stepson this is just the next one of many?

He's not 17

Ah sorry my mistake

I wouldn't worry about it too much. A guy in his early 20s often isn't bothered about spending time with kids or parents. He's got his own life to live, which at that age seems much more exciting than spending time with family. I have a half brother 15 years older than me and didn't see him much as a young child. I remember my dad trying every time we visited his home town but for a good few years we barely saw him and my dad didn't have much of a relationship with him. Then he got married and had a baby and settled down and suddenly wanted a relationship with his dad and family. We saw him regularly after that and several years later he was with me at our dad's death bed. I still have a good relationship with him now even though our shared dad has been gone over a decade, and my mum also still sees him. So I would just wait it out and probably as your stepson matures he'll be in touch much more often.

I would be very bothered too. Family matters and, in the same circumstances, I would want brothers to know each other regardless of age differences. I’m not sure what you do about it though because you can’t force SS to be interested. Maybe it will come in time and you can always keep your door open but for now I agree it’s sad.

I think its a perfectly reasonable choice of your DS to not get involved and have the whole overly blended family thing. In return I think you are perfectly reasonable to not see him as "one of your own." Embrace the family dynamic as it is and like/love each other for who you are. It will be much less stressful.

*DSS