My young son didn't recognize his older brother

[Anuta77]

Another story/rant from my "blended" family circus.
I have a 22 year old SS which whom I never had issues and whom I always liked. Our shared child is almost 5.

Anyhow, when SS was 15-16, he used to be very caring with our then 7-8 year old kids, always watching if they were behind, playing with them... Then with age, he started coming to our house less and less. My DP of course visited him regularlly at his house and they are close. Understanding that young people have other interests, I made some efforts to invite them to eat or to organize family activities that everyone can enjoy like horse back riding, mountain biking, etc. Just like companies organize team-building activities, I thought that it would help, but it didn't. If there was no official invitation, SS didn't see the reason to visit.

At the same time, he's very involved with DP's other ex (ex Step mother who didn't even raise him) because her son is his age. Once at a Xmas gathering at ours, he initiated a long phone conversation with them, putting them on speakers and ending it with "I love you, family and I'm coming for a breakfast to your house tomorrow".

I think after that, he hasn't set foot in our house in about 1.5 years! Yep! He lives 35 min away and owns a car. The last 2 Xmases he conveniently had a light form of covid, but once that passed, he apparently didn't have a reason to come. Last year's DP's bday, he didn't feel like coming either. Father's day: never comes.

Finally he decided to visit my DP after his bday this year and my young son thought it was just some random guest! He know that he has a brother with that name and SD had to excitedly show him our family picture (taken when my son was a baby) to "proove" that it was his brother.

I was sad and I don't understand how nobody around me thinks it's a big deal.

If DP had thought I was providing an unsafe environment for his children I would have expected him to raise it with me and leave me if it didn't change. I find it weird that you wouldn't expect the same thing from any parent.

Are you really that obtuse? I imagine even you know the difference between a grown adult making the concious decision to take on a life with step children, and children who have zero choice in the matter.

Your premise is stupid anyway, step parents don't have to love their step children. They shouldn't really get married if they don't though, at least a bit

Really want to know why so many people who aren't step parents, never been step parents think it's ok to come along and tell step parents how they should feel, why they should feel it and then say ironically but the SDC they don't have to do anything to please anyone because their parents split up. Like a random person telling a surgeon how to do a heart transplant. Bonkers.

The child didn't have a choice in mum and dad splitting up but I suppose that fact is totally irrelevant.

Like only step parents get an opinion on step parenting? Thats not how it works. You going to tell single people to stay off the relationships board too?

Nobody is telling step parents how to feel. Just when they are being unreasonable, as OP is. And by the way, you forgot about a significant group of people who are well able to answer as to step parenting matters...step children.

Let's make the distinction v clear : your example is comparing apples and oranges.

Since every person commenting on the relationship board has in one time been in a relationship, single people commenting makes sense as they have lived experience that applies.

It would be down right odd for you to comment/pass judgement on the multiple pregnancy board if you haven't actually had a multiple pregnancy.
Even more odd if you were telling them what they feel and passing judgement which is what your doing here. Your lack of lived experience means your advice is as bout as helpful as a spoon is to someone needing a transplant.

The irony is not lost on me, as I say this as a stepchild. Everyone has a perspective and that's fine but when it comes down to it it's not ok to say with one breath step kids don't have to do x but Sm have to do Y when actually you have no idea what it's like to be in a step family.

In a blended family everyone is allowed feelings, those feelings are valid, and there isn't a hierarchy of who's feelings are more important. People who don't have lived experience can comment on the situation, but will not ever understand the nuances that goes with being in a step family so are in a poor position to give helpful advice. Most people who comment who haven't been in a step family at acknowledge that it's just their perspective and don't offer their options as fact because most are not that ignorant. Some also manage to do it without passing judgement and those people are welcome.

Being a step child doesn't excuse people from being decent human beings. Being a step mum doesn't mean that you aren't allowed feelings and being a dad doesn't mean you can parcle off your parental duties to the next person who has a uterus. My DD has a SM and I'm also a ex wife, and also a SM for full disclosure.

So I'm fully aware of the different roles in a blended family as I have literal experience of nearly all of them (bar dad role) obviously. But I'm guessing you just thought I was hitting it from one angle.

Just because you can be a 🛎 end on the internet doesn't mean you should be. These are people commenting and your words could cause actual damage.

In a blended family everyone is allowed feelings, those feelings are valid, and there isn't a hierarchy of who's feelings are more important

Actually there is. Children with no choices trump adults who go to make them. The fact that you don't know that is very sad, and means you're the type of SM people dislike. Hence your over-sensitivity.

These are people commenting and your words could cause actual damage

Sweetie if you're damaged by comments on MN, the internet is not for you. Grow up. You're not actually the centre of the universe, though you clearly believe yourself to be

Actually there is. Children with no choices trump adults who go to make them. The fact that you don't know that is very sad, and means you're the type of SM people dislike. Hence your over-sensitivity.

In your opinion. And that's all it is.

I find your general unpleasantness in equal parts sad and deeply ironic.

Every single post is only someone's opinion. We don't need you pointing out mine is.

I find your general unpleasantness in equal parts sad and deeply ironic

Another worthless opinion. And I'm pretty sure ironic is not the word you mean

It's exactly what I meant. You think you are the authority on step parents apparently being unpleasant but your comments paint you to be absolutely awful. Ironic.

Actually there is. Children with no choices trump adults who go to make them.

Bingo because children don't have the mental comprehension to make adult choices. And your totally right mum and dad to blame for splitting up. Kids also didn't get a choice in that, but I doubt you would be telling a mum she can't have any feelings because she split up with dad..

The fact that you don't know that is very sad, and means you're the type of SM people dislike. Hence your over-sensitivity.

No I just disagree with you that doesn't make me "sensitive" in any level, it's the internet. The fact you went on a personal attack shows if anyones being sensitive, it's not me I must have hit a nerve.

Sweetie if you're damaged by comments on MN, the internet is not for you. Grow up. You're not actually the centre of the universe, though you clearly believe yourself to be.

Sweetie 😂 Are you having problems reading ? I said every member of a blended family is entitled to feelings, I'm not sure how has your brain flipped that into saying I believe Im the centre of every universe.

I certainly didn't say I'm damaged by MN, I said just because you can be a 🛎 and be with a keyboard doesn't mean you should be. Personally I'm finding this whole conversation incredibly funny tbh, especially since your trying to be clever but coming across anything but.

Average reading comprehension really has gone down hill somewhat hasn't it ?

Your commenting vigorously on a topic you have no knowledge and experience in and getting huffy at someone who's disagreed with you and then called them sensitive and to grow up.

Thought this might help www.dictionary.com/browse/irony

You seem heavily invested in a topic that has 0 to do with you. I would suggest relate for some counselling to work out why your having such strong emotions to a post on MN and some wine. Your poor poor children.

Now if you don't mind I need to give my DSC a glass of water from a blow up bed under the stairs. I do hope they aren't eating the spiders again ;)

Anyone can have an opinion on anything but not all opinions are equal. I could have an opinion on how to carry out heart surgery but I'd look pretty stupid if went to a group of heart surgeons, insisted my opinion was corrrect and called them names wouldn't I?

It was probably just too much change for him OP. Sounds like the dad had two new partners, the ex SM and then you, who his dad then had a new child with? It's a lot for a boy to go through when he's young. He probably felt repeatedly confused and pushed out at an early age. Probably the familiarity of ex SM and step brother of a similar age was the limit for him change wise, and he likes to retain that in his life. Moving to yet another new family was probably a ship that had sailed by then. That really is fair enough. Formative teen years are hard enough without all that upheaval.

Also he probably ended up having to be independent and get through a lot of stuff on his own because his parents were splitting, having new kids, etc, and that independence means he's just not connected with another new family (as he sees it). I get that. Sounds like he has a great friend style relationship with his dad, which is lovely but also slightly removed from actual dad status, which would fit in with that kind of independent state of mind.

This post is from July.