My young son didn't recognize his older brother

[Anuta77]

Another story/rant from my "blended" family circus.
I have a 22 year old SS which whom I never had issues and whom I always liked. Our shared child is almost 5.

Anyhow, when SS was 15-16, he used to be very caring with our then 7-8 year old kids, always watching if they were behind, playing with them... Then with age, he started coming to our house less and less. My DP of course visited him regularlly at his house and they are close. Understanding that young people have other interests, I made some efforts to invite them to eat or to organize family activities that everyone can enjoy like horse back riding, mountain biking, etc. Just like companies organize team-building activities, I thought that it would help, but it didn't. If there was no official invitation, SS didn't see the reason to visit.

At the same time, he's very involved with DP's other ex (ex Step mother who didn't even raise him) because her son is his age. Once at a Xmas gathering at ours, he initiated a long phone conversation with them, putting them on speakers and ending it with "I love you, family and I'm coming for a breakfast to your house tomorrow".

I think after that, he hasn't set foot in our house in about 1.5 years! Yep! He lives 35 min away and owns a car. The last 2 Xmases he conveniently had a light form of covid, but once that passed, he apparently didn't have a reason to come. Last year's DP's bday, he didn't feel like coming either. Father's day: never comes.

Finally he decided to visit my DP after his bday this year and my young son thought it was just some random guest! He know that he has a brother with that name and SD had to excitedly show him our family picture (taken when my son was a baby) to "proove" that it was his brother.

I was sad and I don't understand how nobody around me thinks it's a big deal.

So he had his original family, then step family 1, now step family 2….

Also 22 is an age of being focused elsewhere.

It feels intense for you because you want family for your small child.

How does his Dad feel about it?

@Areil SS is 22, not 17. And please stop making me and my relationship with his dad as something unlawful and some difficult thing to deal with. His mother is on her 2nd relationship after his father. His ex SM is on a relationship number 3 after his dad. It doesn't bother SS. Are you a SM?

@AmyandPhilipfan It's an interesting experience, I sort of imagined that if you don't build a relationship at the beginning, everyone involved just gets used to it and no longer cares. But life can have different twists, so who knows.

I already apologised for misreading.

I NEVER said your relationship was unlawful? Where the actual hell are you getting that from?

I’m not legally a stepmother because I’m not married to my partner. What has that got to do with anything?

Thank you. We immigrated twice and pretty much lost contact with family (I'm also one of the youngest cousins) and I would cherish family if I had it.

Since your OH has no interest in building a relationship between his children, why should your stepson invest in it?

That sums it up really. Your SS is going to take his lead from his dad. If his dad has no interest in doing anything that involves both sons, then why would SS expect to be playing a part in your DS's life?

You need to have a conversation with your partner if you want anything to change. Not the 22 year old.

His dad is somewhat a Disney dad, that's why he was always running to see his grown up kids instead of encouraging that they come for a visit sometimes. If I say anything, he gets defensive, so I don't say anything anymore.

My older son got abandonned by his father and we recently lost contact even with the aunt on that side. He's also the youngest of all cousins and they are all busy with life and has no relationship. And he's totally fine, so my youngest will definetely be fine without some older hald sibling. He has my son as an old brother.
I just wanted to see what was the forum's reaction.

Correction: it's not a big deal for anyone, INCLUDING me. It doesn't mean that I have to be 100% indifferent about this state of things. But I understood and as of today I forget about the SS (although it's kind of hard as his father constantly mentions him and what he's doing in life, and it's kind of impolite to tell me to spare me the details of his life). I know that my son will not really care, so no harm done.

I'm not suggesting you shouldn't care about SS. Just that it's not a big deal that his 5 year old brother doesn't recognise him. SS is much older, doesn't live with you and won't be so interested in spending time with a 5 year old. As he gets older it will gradually change. The fact that you only seem interested in him as long as he shows enough interest in your son doesn't really show you in a great light.

"I NEVER said your relationship was unlawful? Where the actual hell are you getting that from?"

@Areil I'm not sure what you are so agressive? You were dismissing my relationship, there's nothing difficult to deal with, just come for a dinner once in a while. Just like it's not difficult to deal with multiple friends. Friends also come and go, so now nobody gets involved with friends? Many people would be happy to have so many people who love them.

You said I was making your relationship with his dad something unlawful.

can you please explain where I said that? Or anything like that please. Thanks.

My DP has 2 other older kids and they both come one less often that the other, but they still do. He's not different with the oldest SS. Yes, it's on DP to encourage him, but he seems to have this thing that everyone has the right to do whatever they want and I agree on some level, except that sometimes parents do influence their children's attitude about things, like family for instance.
I know that if any of his kids dared not visiting their mothers, the mothers would be upset, so the kids know that they have to be present. My DP wants to be a cool dad.

It was tiring to read this, so Heaven help the 22 year old stepson who's actually involved in it. I'd be running a mile.

"Family" is more than just sharing DNA though. SS was pretty much an adult when your son was born. There isn't a sibling relationship there. No emotional attachment. You can't compare it to his second step-family, he was younger when that happened and naturally had more in common with his step-brother at the time. Your son is his (half)brother in name only. He isn't obliged to have relationships with everyone his parents bring into their lives.

You seem overly obsessed with your SS giving you all enough attention - you don’t come across like you care much about seeing him and spending time with him, it’s more the fact that he doesn’t pay the desired homage to you and your DCs. Maybe he finds your attitude a bit overbearing and uncomfortable. Perhaps it’s your attitude and behaviour that’s made him want to distance himself.

please stop making me and my relationship with his dad as something unlawful and some difficult thing to deal with. His mother is on her 2nd relationship after his father. His ex SM is on a relationship number 3 after his dad.

Even after writing this out, can you not see why this poor lad can't really be expected to spend too much emotional energy trying to build a relationship with the next, then the next, then the next supposed step parent or half sibling ?

However, I agree with all the other posters. Why hasn't your dp facilitated the relationship between his two sons ? If he has seen his older son weekly over all these years, then surely he could sometimes have taken his younger son, and sometimes invited his older son to come to things with his younger son, and also of course involved him in video calls etc. ?

"The fact that you only seem interested in him as long as he shows enough interest in your son doesn't really show you in a great light."

Like I mentionned before I did like my SS. Actually, he was the only one of DP's kids who never disrespected me. But I guess I have this erroneous idea that family is important, so unfortunately, on some level, I feel like he's rejecting us. He doesn't need to spend a lot of time with my son. How do uncles and aunts get to know their nephews?

About me not showing myself in a great light, I would like to know how many people are interested in people who are absolutely absent from their lives, yet have time for other people?

And what is the garantee that his ex SM who had several boyfriends after my DP and the last one has 2 grown up kids ACTIVELY made efforts to stay in SS"s life for his beautiful eyes? I know that she was worried about her own son being excluded from ex "family". People always look for their own interest, that's the reality. But I never pressured or made SS feel bad. The rare times I see him, I'm friendly with him, I make food, tea, etc.

Your SS has the choice he's a grown man. Many DC from first relationships don't have contact with second/third marriage DC. They are already adults so don't feel that sibling connection. It's sad but you can't force an adult to have a relationship they don't want.

But I guess I have this erroneous idea that family is important

But what do you think family looks like to your SS? He's had 3 families with his father, and I forget how many with his mother. He hasn't had one permanent family in his life. No one has shown him family is important.

I sense that you might make his visits a little awkward for him so he avoids it.

This just keeps getting more odd. You need to let it go OP, he’s a grown man and he’s not your child - by your admission you don’t even particularly like him. You’re obsession over him ‘rejecting’ you and your child is quite frankly just bizarre. If I were your SS I would find it unsettling.

My own step-child is much older than my dc. They also show zero interest in them. I find it a bit sad but let it wash over me tbh. Child isn't lacking in family who do show interest.

What you sense is incorrect. He hasn't came in a long time, but when he was coming occasionally before, I was always happy. Sorry to dissapoint you.

EV117, I didn't answer your previous comment, but now I see that you have trouble with reading comprehension. I stated several times that I liked him.

I think you need to adjust your ideas of what "family" means

Would any of this matter to you quite as much if he wasn’t friendly with your DH’s ex / his former step mum?
I don’t say that as an attack, but if there’s a grain of truth in this then please try & let this go. I can imagine it’s hurtful & feels like a rejection of you and your two sons that he seems to prefer DH ex & her son, of course that’s painful & upsetting. But I’d think this is likely due to a friendship with her son rather than a rejection of the family.
We can’t help how we feel but we can help how we behave.
Relationships can’t be forced, if they don’t happen under their own steam then they’re fragile at best and unpleasant at worst.

The best thing I think you can do is continue to be pleasant, remember that he’s a step kid who you’ve mentioned has never disrespected you (and that’s worth it’s weight in gold sometimes). Please try to bear in mind this isn’t a deliberate rejection but if his dad sees him fairly often, it doesn’t really offer him a lot of incentive to visit! I really don’t think this is about you or your son, he’s just a bit lazy like most blokes that age!

You talk about family values but in the next sentence say you’ll forget about him, that’s not very ‘family’.
I think it would be unwise to let your feelings show to stepson, firstly it will probably not encourage him to come closer and secondly you will likely come across as quite unreasonable. The majority of the comments on this post have defended your step son & that’s for a good reason.