My young son didn't recognize his older brother

[Anuta77]

Another story/rant from my "blended" family circus.
I have a 22 year old SS which whom I never had issues and whom I always liked. Our shared child is almost 5.

Anyhow, when SS was 15-16, he used to be very caring with our then 7-8 year old kids, always watching if they were behind, playing with them... Then with age, he started coming to our house less and less. My DP of course visited him regularlly at his house and they are close. Understanding that young people have other interests, I made some efforts to invite them to eat or to organize family activities that everyone can enjoy like horse back riding, mountain biking, etc. Just like companies organize team-building activities, I thought that it would help, but it didn't. If there was no official invitation, SS didn't see the reason to visit.

At the same time, he's very involved with DP's other ex (ex Step mother who didn't even raise him) because her son is his age. Once at a Xmas gathering at ours, he initiated a long phone conversation with them, putting them on speakers and ending it with "I love you, family and I'm coming for a breakfast to your house tomorrow".

I think after that, he hasn't set foot in our house in about 1.5 years! Yep! He lives 35 min away and owns a car. The last 2 Xmases he conveniently had a light form of covid, but once that passed, he apparently didn't have a reason to come. Last year's DP's bday, he didn't feel like coming either. Father's day: never comes.

Finally he decided to visit my DP after his bday this year and my young son thought it was just some random guest! He know that he has a brother with that name and SD had to excitedly show him our family picture (taken when my son was a baby) to "proove" that it was his brother.

I was sad and I don't understand how nobody around me thinks it's a big deal.

It’s not natural

Tbf it's not natural to love someone else's child like your own either and yet you expect step parents to do just that.

I don't love my step children. It absolutely doesn't mean I'm horrid to them or their childhood has been ruined by me.

- it’s his parents and step parents who have created the situation

Fixed it for you @TinaTubster
Step parents aren't responsible for cleaning up the mess that parents make.

I would say I love DSDs now but it took time and it only developed because there was no pressure and were were allowed to get to know each other on our own terms at our own pace. Putting pressure on step parents to feel love they don't and shaming them for not feeling it actually means it's less likely for it to develop. Can't you see that?

I think this thread is odd though. Most mothers would be saddened by their little boy not recognizing his own brother, no matter what the reason for it is. I don't understand why this is controversial.

it's not natural to love someone else's child like your own either

I actually think most women would find another woman professing the love her children as much as she did quite overbearing and annoying. It's just a phrase trotted out to shame women.

@Arguments

Thats horrible and the difference is you CHOSE to enter their lives. They never chose to have their family break up and have a new family member who doesn’t love them. That was your choice. One you were wrong to make.

@Lilithslove
No - they may have broken up their original family - but you are responsible for creating a new one which would affect innocent childrens lives. You did create that situation - the one the children are living in. If you can’t accept your responsibility for that that’s another thing. You are responsible for it - the children are not.

@Lilithslove

If step children are unable to feel love for others children - they shouldn’t choose to be in a situation where they live in the same house as them and help raise them. Again they make that choice - the children don’t.

It's not horrible. It's a perfectly normal and natural thing. Why is a step parent not loving someone else's child any different to a grandparent not loving a step grandchild?

You said it wasn't natural, that works for step parents too. No matter how much you want to protest, it isn't natural to love someone else's children like your own. There are obviously scenarios which differ from this including adoption which isn't comparable with step parenting but always gets trotted out but on the whole it absolutely isn't natural to love another child like your own. We are biologically programmed to love our children more than any others for a reason. It's not horrible it's just a fact.

Not loving doesn't equal being horrible. You can still be a perfectly nice and caring step parent without loving your step kids like your own.

And CHOOSING to be a step parent is neither her nor there when it comes to a feeling like love. You either feel it or you don't. Neither is wrong or horrible. If you treat DSC horribly then yes of course that's wrong. But simply not loving them is not the same as that and is not something you can just force or tell yourself to feel.

@Arguments Choosing is very much here or there. That is the obvious difference between a grandparent and you - you choose to enter those childrens lives and live with them knowing the effect it would have and the greater negative effect it would have if you couldn’t love them. Some can love their step kids - if you aren’t cut out for that you shouldn’t marry a man with children, it’s that simple.

And nowhere did I say you had to love them with the exact same love as their real mother - I said you should love them, not as a mother but as a step mother and if you could not do that then you shouldn’t have chosen to be one.

Once again you can excuse your own actions all you want - but the fact that you choose to make the situation of the blended family and then not love the kids is completely different from a kid having a family break up against his wishes then having a new blended family over and over again. You are culpable in the choice and responsible - he is not.

And if his own step mum felt this way your expressing toward him then that’s another (big) reason he probably doesn’t want anything to do with his third “family”.

The SS has lots of adults in his life. I do not think it matters of stepmum loves him or bothers with him at all. But there will be no relationship with the young son unless his father encourages it by taking him when he meets the SS.

When you bring a child into your life and home you are responsible for showing it love - not neccassarily the same as a real parent love but love. I would judge a step parent who created that unloving world for a kid just as I would a real parent who said they couldn’t love their child.
Both made the choice to step into their roles in the childrens lives.

@antelopevalley

Well you can hardly blame SS for not going to see his little brother if he’s aware step mum has never loved him can you? Why would he want to go into that atmosphere? Why would he have fondness for a crappy family like that?
if that we’re the case maybe he can develop a relationship later away from SM.

But of course the OP on this thread never spoke about not loving SS (actually he may have been out of her life till he was much older who knows)and this is all about other posters opinions.

Do you mean step parents rather than step children?

I feel like behaviour towards step children is much more important than feelings. I have always been kind to my step children. Feelings of love developed over time.

How soon do you think step children should meet parents partners? Assuming you are in agreement with the mumsnet opinion that it should be at least a year, how can a step parent know whether or not they will love the children if before entering a relationship if they have to be in a relationship for a year before meeting them?

My step children don't need or want me to be another mother to them. They have an excellent mother who gives them all the motherly love they need. They need me to be kind to them and make them welcome when they are here.

@TinaTubster you do not give up on a 22 year old because he did not want to come and see you if you really love them as a parent does a child.
I am not expecting OP to feel this way for her SS. But a loving parent would go very out of their way to re-establish contact.

@antelopevalley I agree with you that the dad needs to step up here.

What I don't agree with is the OP being berated for feeling disappointed that her son didn't recognise his own brother.

@antelopevalley

OP is the one with the problem with him not coming. He still does see his father. Nobody is giving up on him. I’m simply explaining why he (ss) isn’t that enthused about going to see his 3rd family. Who would be?

you choose to enter those childrens lives and live with them knowing the effect it would have and the greater negative effect it would have if you couldn’t love them.

Says who? It's neither a fact that all step parents will predict potential negative impacts of them not feeling love for their step children, or indeed that those negative impacts will actually transpire.

@Lilithslove I agree. I said I understand the OPs disappointment. But I think how the SS is behaving is also unsurprising.
I know the father has not given up on SS he goes to see him weekly. OP has given up on him. That is fine. But the father needs to encourage a relationship between the two sons if he agrees that is important. Or maybe he thinks it does not matter?

@aSofaNearYou

Of course negative effects from from being unloved by a parental figure in your home will transpire. Actually negative effects have transpired here and we don’t even know if OP loves her step son - but negative effects from the situation have transpired - OP’s son has a brother he never sees.
That is a negative effect.

I personally believe you can show love without actually loving.

I show my DSC care and they have a loving home. But no I don't love them.

@TinaTubster
Of course negative effects from from being unloved by a parental figure in your home will transpire.

I would argue that negative effects come from behaviour rather than a lack of feelings of love.

And actually, it's ultimately up to the parents to provide a safe home for their children.

There is no "of course" about it. Thousands of step children are not loved by their step parents (but are treated well, obviously) and this doesn't happen. You are making assumptions.

On the side of the coin you have parents who love their children but are abusive to them for all sorts of reasons. The love is there but it's pretty meaningless if the behaviour towards the children is bad.

@Lilithslove

Its for any adult who chooses to live with children to provide a safe and loving home for them. Step parents aren’t absolved of that responsibility no matter how much they may like to be.

@Lilithslove You can excuse it to yourself however you wish. Reality is the children didn’t want or choose the unloving step parent figure - the unloving step parent choose to enter their life and be unloving. It’s a horrible thing to do and make excuses for.

You can excuse it to yourself however you wish.

Excuse myself of what exactly? I have always been kind to my step children and have grown to love them over time as I have got to know them. In your eyes this is a horrible thing to do?