My young son didn't recognize his older brother

[Anuta77]

Another story/rant from my "blended" family circus.
I have a 22 year old SS which whom I never had issues and whom I always liked. Our shared child is almost 5.

Anyhow, when SS was 15-16, he used to be very caring with our then 7-8 year old kids, always watching if they were behind, playing with them... Then with age, he started coming to our house less and less. My DP of course visited him regularlly at his house and they are close. Understanding that young people have other interests, I made some efforts to invite them to eat or to organize family activities that everyone can enjoy like horse back riding, mountain biking, etc. Just like companies organize team-building activities, I thought that it would help, but it didn't. If there was no official invitation, SS didn't see the reason to visit.

At the same time, he's very involved with DP's other ex (ex Step mother who didn't even raise him) because her son is his age. Once at a Xmas gathering at ours, he initiated a long phone conversation with them, putting them on speakers and ending it with "I love you, family and I'm coming for a breakfast to your house tomorrow".

I think after that, he hasn't set foot in our house in about 1.5 years! Yep! He lives 35 min away and owns a car. The last 2 Xmases he conveniently had a light form of covid, but once that passed, he apparently didn't have a reason to come. Last year's DP's bday, he didn't feel like coming either. Father's day: never comes.

Finally he decided to visit my DP after his bday this year and my young son thought it was just some random guest! He know that he has a brother with that name and SD had to excitedly show him our family picture (taken when my son was a baby) to "proove" that it was his brother.

I was sad and I don't understand how nobody around me thinks it's a big deal.

To be honest OP, I feel that you are making a problem where there isn’t one
It really shouldn’t be such a big deal to you.

This is exactly the dismissive attitude to step parents feelings that I am talking about.
Why should be OP squash her own natural feelings of disappointment that her child doesn't know his own brother? I am not saying she should take it out on the step son or even raise it with him but she is allowed to have feelings.

Step parents are humans with the full gauntlet of emotions. I think that some people on this forum think step mum's exist only to provide service to their step children and have no right to feel any negative emotion. It's bizarre.

Really? Because at that age many of my cousins had young children and I became an auntie at not much older and I always enjoyed spending time with my young family members,

Yeah really. I have no siblings and my cousins’ children are older than me. Some cousins have grandkids now but I have no interest in spending time with them. Friends’ kids, same. It’s just not for me. I always figured I’d like my own kids and that’s basically it.

Oh stop it. Most of her negative feelings are bitterness at others and complaining about everyone else., and wanting others to do things the way she wants.

OP can have all the feelings she wants. But she's wrong on this one, he doesn't owe her or her child anything, everyone else is perfectly happy about the way things are.

But the stepson has 4 step-parents. The chances are there are other step-siblings and half-siblings.
It is not the usual stepmum set up. It is very complex.
And OP is sure the SS has no negative feelings around this at all. I think that is very unlikely.
OPs post is all about her and her child and nothing about the very complex family situation the SS is part of.

Aren't you a delight! I don't have to "stop it" because you disagree with me.

Are you seriously suggesting that op is somehow unusual because she isn't happy that her own son doesn't recognize his brother?
Its not about whether or not he older SS "owes" him anything - that's a very odd way to think about sibling relationships.

I think it's sad that they haven't had the chance to build a relationship. I think most mothers would feel the same way as the OP. And she should be able to express that sadness on a step parenting forum without hoards of posters shaming her.

People say step parents know what they are getting into but actually they don't. Because anyone who does express any kind of negative feeling gets shamed like this thread so they keep it to themselves ....

Yes it must be tough on the SS. But that's on the parents not that op.
The op is focused on the impact on her child - perhaps if the her step son's parents had been similarly focused on impacts on him he would have found it easier to deal with.

That is the point though. OP is clearly only focused on her child. But she is saying SS is part of the family. If he really was part of the family, OP would also be thinking about him.
But the only thing she is really concerned about is her son knowing his brother. It is like the SS has a role as brother and that is all that matters.
Maybe SS has more to do with his other stepmum and her family because they consider him and his needs more as an individual?

Are you seriously suggesting that op is somehow unusual because she isn't happy that her own son doesn't recognize his brother?

I'm suggesting that OP has done nothing at all to facilitate the relationship, neither has her husband, and is somehow surprised at the outcome she caused

@WillMcAvoy I'm suggesting that OP has done nothing at all to facilitate the relationship, neither has her husband, and is somehow surprised at the outcome she caused

How would you know that or even suggest it like it's fact? Do you live with the OP ? Really odd flex to be so certain that's how it's gone down.

It's also interesting the way you worded that that, you say neither her or her husband has facilitated the relationship but then out "surprised at the outcome she caused" (singular).

She's not singularly responsible for the relationship (as relationships are a two way street. Even with sc)

I say this as a step kid, at some point people are accountable for their own bonding and development. Me and my sister weren't close growing up and had quite the reverse pressure put on us not to be friends. We are very close because we decided.

Your projecting.

It's also interesting the way you worded that that, you say neither her or her husband has facilitated the relationship but then out "surprised at the outcome she caused" (singular).

Yet again, the step mother is being held responsible for the mess caused by parents ...

I agree it's a rather boring narrative (btw I was referencing another posters comment)

I certainly don't blame the op for this. I just calling out double standards.

People are a bit weird about this subject, they don't seem to expect ANYTHING from adult (step) children when it comes to making any effort with their family.

In reality, I'm not too far off your step sons age (late 20s) and id never dream of making no effort with my family like this. It really doesn't take much to bob in every now and then, make a quick phone call/ face time.

Saying things like he doesn't have anything in common with a 5 year old is not the point. He's his brother still. I don't have much in common with my nephew or my grandmother but I still make an effort to be present in their lives because they are family and it's surely just a normal thing to do when you become an adult.

I really don't think it's some terrible hardship to make a small amount of effort with your family as you get into adulthood. It shouldn't be excused, it should be encouraged. It's supposed to be the time we are becoming less selfish.

I certainly don't blame the op for this. I just calling out double standards.
I know @pitchforksandflamethrowers I was agreeing with you🙂

@Tetetete I think there is a feeling that step children are perpetual victims of their parents separation and therefore any poor behaviour is excused. I actually think that is a terrible way to raise children and it's actually quite damaging to encourage anyone to think of themselves as a victim. But I guess I am just an evil step-mum.

@Lilithslove ahh good I wasn't sure if I hadn't come across the wrong way.

I think this reads v true I think there is a feeling that step children are perpetual victims of their parents separation and therefore any poor behaviour is excused.

Which I understand to a degree if mum or dad actually harboured any of the blame for the separation, instead people are more happy dumping it on the only person not involved in that marriage breakdown the Sm and ironically the step children (by letting them get away with things that aren't acceptable or any other child (that isn't a step child) aka it's ok for that child to do that as they live with their dad full time.

Like come on.

Your projecting

I'm not, its all in her posts. And it's YOU'RE

People are a bit weird about this subject, they don't seem to expect ANYTHING from adult (step) children when it comes to making any effort with their family

Adults don't have to make any effort with their fathers third wife though, do they? Why should they?

The step mothers feelings are of no business or account of her step-sons. They, and her, are simply not his problem.

Adults don't have to make any effort with their fathers third wife though, do they? Why should they?

I wasn't talking about his wife... I was talking about his little 5 year old brother. I assumed that was obvious.

The step mothers feelings are of no business or account of her step-sons. They, and her, are simply not his problem.

Well the adult step son's feelings are the op's problem yet you have no problems berating her about not taking them into account. You do realise that relationships between adults are generally two ways don't you?

@WillMcAvoy sure lovely ☺️ you always know you have hit a nerve with someone, when the only response is to pick on grammar. But since you clearly care so very deeply, I corrected your statement since we are being grammatically correct.

I'm not, its all in her posts. And it's YOU'RE.

You are welcome before you thank me.

Adults don't have to make any effort with their fathers third wife though, do they? Why should they?

Being a decent human beings to a 5 year old has nothing to do with making a effort the 3rd, 4th or 5th wife.The child is family after all.

Personally though some parents think being polite is a non requirement. Thank you for proving that so nicely.

But SS can not see his little brother without seeing his father's third wife. Maybe if the father took the 5-year-old with him when they met up it would be different.

And the third wife has given up on SS.

But SS can not see his little brother without seeing his father's third wife

I've not read anything from OP that suggests the DSS has any reason to despise spending any time in OPs presence or that a quick visit to her house every now and then to see his young brother should be a huge hardship for him.

Again, expecting family to always be the ones to come to you as an adult is off imo.

At 22 I wasn't expecting my parents to always visit me where I was. I was going to them as well because it's a normal and courteous thing to do as an adult not a child.

I honestly can't imagine expecting my father to come to me every time I saw him at 22 years of age. Were none of you ever going out of your own way to see your family at that sort of age?

Genuine question at what age do you expect your children to grow up and become less selfish?

I went to my family at 22. But I also did not have 4 step-parents.

His dad, who he seems to see but only if he travels to him, lives with OP and their child it's not like he has to make a separate trip... He'd be seeing his dad AND his brother in the same trip. Keep the excuses coming though.