My young son didn't recognize his older brother

[Anuta77]

Another story/rant from my "blended" family circus.
I have a 22 year old SS which whom I never had issues and whom I always liked. Our shared child is almost 5.

Anyhow, when SS was 15-16, he used to be very caring with our then 7-8 year old kids, always watching if they were behind, playing with them... Then with age, he started coming to our house less and less. My DP of course visited him regularlly at his house and they are close. Understanding that young people have other interests, I made some efforts to invite them to eat or to organize family activities that everyone can enjoy like horse back riding, mountain biking, etc. Just like companies organize team-building activities, I thought that it would help, but it didn't. If there was no official invitation, SS didn't see the reason to visit.

At the same time, he's very involved with DP's other ex (ex Step mother who didn't even raise him) because her son is his age. Once at a Xmas gathering at ours, he initiated a long phone conversation with them, putting them on speakers and ending it with "I love you, family and I'm coming for a breakfast to your house tomorrow".

I think after that, he hasn't set foot in our house in about 1.5 years! Yep! He lives 35 min away and owns a car. The last 2 Xmases he conveniently had a light form of covid, but once that passed, he apparently didn't have a reason to come. Last year's DP's bday, he didn't feel like coming either. Father's day: never comes.

Finally he decided to visit my DP after his bday this year and my young son thought it was just some random guest! He know that he has a brother with that name and SD had to excitedly show him our family picture (taken when my son was a baby) to "proove" that it was his brother.

I was sad and I don't understand how nobody around me thinks it's a big deal.

EV117, I didn't answer your previous comment, but now I see that you have trouble with reading comprehension. I stated several times that I liked him.

Charming 😂 I think the passive aggressive attitude that has scared your SS away is coming to the forefront.

You said ‘I did like him.’ Past tense - so I inferred you liked him no longer.

I agree. I think he just doesn’t like going there. I can see why.

I’m confused by this post as to what the actual issue is?

your adult SS is living his life and your annoyed that he doesn’t bother with your 5 year old son. You keep mentioning it’s a ‘choice’ to be close with family - and your right. He’s not making that choice, but what would a 22 year old do with a 5 year old if he doesn’t have much interest in children?

I have multiple nieces and nephews and whilst I make the effort when I do see them, I find it increasingly difficult and trying to connect with children when I’m not a very child orientated person.

there your children, not his. He doesn’t need to have close relationships with them, aslong as he’s not horrid to them then I don’t understand what the issue is - he’s just not doing what you want him to?

And like other posters have said, this is his 3rd family from his dad and I lost track of his mothers. If he felt the obligation to remain close to every family member he has come across he wouldn’t have time for anything else.

OP you seem quite jealous and obsessed with SS relationship with ExSM. I find it unsettling just reading it. You're also using your step son to vent your frustrations on when actually it's your partner who is being defensive, not bothered about establishing a connection between the brothers and doesn't invite his son over enough. Poor lad has enough families to juggle, without adding another of his dads current relationships - which might I add his dad doesn't seem too bothered about him being involved in. If I was him I'd feel very uncomfortable in your company, especially from the vibe coming off of your posts. Perhaps you aren't like that in front of him or perhaps you are and just don't perceive it. Regardless just let it go and if it continues to bother you, badger your partner not your step son for having a busy life and not much consideration for your family.

Your DSS is handling it all impressively well by the sounds of it- visiting family on occasion but focusing on forging his independence. That’s a very healthy attitude for a young adult to have. His priority shouldn’t really be someone else’s 5 year old child.

Most 22 year old men are not that interested in 5 year olds.

Do you mean that you stopped your husband from going when he was happy to go before, or that you and your children stopped going? If you want a blended family, it takes some effort and if you've only been together for 8 years you seem to have stopped early on.

You seem disappointed that your own family don't see your older child much, and are desperate for SS to fill that gap for your younger child. It is a massive age gap though and they've never lived together as siblings so it's really not that surprising that your son doesn't consider him a sibling (and vice-versa). Your DS already has a sibling with your older child.

It's quite clear from your posts that you're incredibly jealous of and spiteful about his ex-SM and the relationship he has with her.

Perhaps it's not family life he's avoiding, or your son, but you and your bitterness and competitiveness?

But I guess I have this erroneous idea that family is important

Between his fathers 3 families and his mothers 3(?) families, I doubt the young man can remember who the fuck is in his family and who isn't. He probably just doesn't care. And why should he?

*But I guess I have this erroneous idea that family is important

Between his fathers 3 families and his mothers 3(?) families, I doubt the young man can remember who the fuck is in his family and who isn't. He probably just doesn't care. And why should he*

Indeed.

If there’s a villain in this scenario, it sure ain’t the stepson.

Are you much younger than his dad? Maybe he just sees you and your sons as another temporary relationship. He knows his dad will move onto his 4th family soon so why make the effort?

5 year olds are very boring to 22 year olds in general. The only thing those two have in common is 50% of DNA, and that's not enough

He is used to a family were his first step mum clearly made the effort to get to know his mum.

His blended family was one where the adults blended. Admirable really. This is the standard set for you when you got together with your DP.

You state you wouldn't keep visiting SS at his house because it meant you had to deal with the ex wife. I can see why this is not going to make you feel like family to him.

If family was that important You and your DP did a bad thing not facilitating your DS visiting when you DP did.

This really is a classic case of you reap what you sow. Blended families are difficult and require a lot of effort and tolerance to make work. You really haven't put much effort to building a relationship with SS or building DS's relationship with SS, so it isnt really surprising he doesn't now make much effort in return.

He clearly dose feel strongly about family. It's just that you arent really family to him

What the fuck are you talking about family values? Get a grip.

It's coming across that the reason your ss doesn't visit could be you.
Reading your posts, you're giving the impression that you could be controlling and judgmental.
Maybe take some of the advice you've been given on here onboard and it could help.
But ultimately it's up to your ss who he wants in his life.

And many uncles only see their nephews once or twice a year because they live in a different place and have their own lives!

You are completely unrealistic and think this means he doesn't care. He probably does but just not to your standards 'because reality'.

It doesn't bother step son?

Really?

As if he'd definitely confide in you that it was a problem.

The clue here is that he spends time with his dad on his own. Notice your husband is fine with this...

He is 22. He doesn't have anything in common with a 5 year old.

He probably has better things to do with his time. Like spend time with his multiple other extended family members he does have things in common with.

The fact you seem to think your stepson should centre his life around your son, is probably a reason to steer clear in its own right.

You are not really instilling family values if you are as jealous of ex SM as your post suggests. SS clearly loves SM and her family and someone with family values would be respectful rather than jealous of that. The fact that he hasn't had to end the relationship shows that he is family orientated. Family orientated doesn't mean someone who gushes over your child. As someone who prides themselves on family values, you should be happy that SS has this positivity un his life. Us mere mortals might feel a pang of jealousy that we weren't close to our SS but you say that you are family orientated so I'm sure that you can put those feelings aside.

If you wanted your son to be closer to SS then ask your h to take him when he sees the oldest sometimes. Some people would say coming round when invited is good manners- some people are thrown by people popping in out of the blue.

SS is a young man with limited time. Seeing his mum, dad, ex SM must account for plenty of free time. (possible ex SD too?) Have you asked your h about how he views blending? Maybe he never imagined a situation where is oldest and youngest were close. Some people see their families one a year for Christmas and are happy with a polite and distant relationship. While you see not coming for Fathers Day as a big deal, maybe your h is happy with a text or seeing him near FD one on one.

@PeekAtYou
excellent point about his family values

I'm sure it hurts that your SS isn't that interested in your DS, but please spare a thought for your SSs emotional welfare. He's had numerous step families on both sides, which is a head melt in itself. The poor boy is probably saving himself potential heartbreak by not investing any emotions in his half brother. His father might have moved on to step family #4 soon enough in his mind.

OP I can see why this upset you. I think most people would be upset by this. Mumsnet is weird when it comes to step parenting.

Everything is the step mother's fault, even though she isn't the one with the power in the situation and step mum's aren't allowed to have any negative feelings about anything.

@Lilithslove I understand OPs upset.
But she is not seeing it from SS point of view, only her own point of view.
A young adult where both his mum and dad have remarried twice since divorce has a very complex family and will have a lot of feelings around that. He has four step mums/stepdads. That is a lot by anyone's reckoning.

I can’t think of a single time in my life beyond infant school when I’d have been interested in spending time with a 5 year old who I don’t live with, let alone when I was 22.

To be honest OP, I feel that you are making a problem where there isn’t one. This young man has retained a good relationship with his father, despite his parents breaking up, and his father having other relationships and other children. He has a large family of step/half/full siblings and it’s not surprising that he doesn’t have much of a relationship with the youngest. It really shouldn’t be such a big deal to you. I think it’s harsh of you to say that your husband has failed to ‘install family values’ in him, when he clearly makes an effort to have a good relationship with his son.

This is a support forum for step parents. Surely here should be a space where step parents can post things from their own point of view. It is possible to understand why the SS behaves as he does and have sympathy for the OP. After all, she isn't the reason her SS has had a lot of step parents ...