Fiance no longer in regular contact with DD

[Nancylove12]

Hi all

I'm sure I will trigger many people with this post. And be dragged by many replies but I am wanting some tangible advice buy someone who maybe in a similar position.

My fiance has two kids age 8 and 6 he separated from the ex 5 years ago now. The split meant my fiance moved 190miles back home. He would see the kids every other weekend at first. But when he started dating again contact was removed. He would travel and the ex would purposely take the kids out and not reply to his messages. This was before I came on the scene. I have seen the messages he saved and his mum first told me the back story . I met my fiance 3.5 years ago. Contact went down to once a month. Then after he tried to get more information via school reports etc the ex changed numbers started playing games. In the last two years there has been hardly any contact at all he hasn't spoken to the ex in over a year any contact goes through his mum who plays both sides as she is scared she will be denied access to the kids. Last year he saw the kids twice. The fight has all gone and he said he's moved on. I always put suggestions as to what to do but he's not interested and prefers to talk about our future and move on from the past. He said he wants a baby with me once we are married. I can't get my head around my baby having siblings they don't really see. If I'm honest we had two years of DRAMA with the ex with boundary issues, insane shouting on the phone and access issues. The last year and a half have been blissful without it but I know the situation isn't right. However, I have stayed out it. I know many will say this man will do the same to you. He pays CMS and I do think if the kids weren't used to emotionally manipulate we wouldn't be in this situation. I'm just asking has anyone experienced something like this? And what would you suggest I do? My finance has emotionally disconnected no tears no depression he's moved on and regrets having children in that situation.

Ewww, I’ve stopped dating people for much less re their children. He’s shown you who he is.

Just remember he left this woman with a one year old and a toddler it isnt particularly great is it. I suspect they maybe alot more to the story that your not aware of. His dm will of course side with his son. I'd be wary, any decent man would have started court proceedings not dicuss having a new family with a new partner.

OP 190 miles is nothing - I've met men who live 400 miles and 500 miles away from their kids. So they make a trip every month to be with their kids for a few days and then have them half the holidays. Yes it is expensive and inconvenient to make those trips but they do it to have a relationship with their kids.

I also know someone who lives an ocean away from his child, so his child is in a different country. He makes an effort to see him a few times a year. He was accused of all sorts by his child's mother who used him as a sperm donor and he had to use foreign lawyers to get contact with his child. Apart from her, he is friends with lots of his ex-girlfriends/partners as I know a few of them.

There are other famous examples e.g. Xand van Tulleken who live in a different country from their child but still make an effort to see their child.

Do not get pregnant with this man's sperm.

Do not have a baby with this man.

As when the going gets hard he fucks off elsewhere.

I would not stay with a man who rather than fight for his children would rather 'move on' and forget about them.

He should go through the court for access. I'm a bit suspicious because instead of doing this, he's chosen to do nothing and detach.

So he's one of those men who considers it reasonable for his relationship with his own children to be dependent upon the prevailing winds of his current relationship. When that relationship goes wrong, he's off. And he has no appreciation or emotional attachment to his children as being their own separate people to his ex, little people that he too has 100% responsibility to and for.

What a selfish, awful man.

No wonder his ex wife moved closer to his family, particularly if things weren't going well with him. She clearly knew what sort of a person he was and knew her children needed to security of family who cared about them.

I think you call that. I’m sorry OP but you need to take heed.

Why did he choose not to pursue access legally.

I know couples who have split up when the man has originally come from outside our area. All of the fathers have either bought or rented homes in close proximity to their children’s home or school. I could never imagine any decent parent I know moving 190 miles away from their kids. Seems like he has texts to show off to over his arse. His ex may be a complete nightmare but tbh if my DH chose to move 190 miles away I wouldn’t be organising our lives around him dropping by every other weekend to play Disney dad. F**k that. Normal everyday day day out or nothing.

I think you call that unanimous!!!

Imagine having a baby and a toddler and your relationship breaking down at one of the most hardest times of your life then your ex sodding off 190 miles away so your left doing all the work. He sounds a Prince among men

Some men are only interested in the DC when they are in a relationship with the DM of those DC. As soon as the relationship ends, he goes pfff.

Don't let that be you and your future DC!

Ages ago someone on mumsnet posted the theory that some men associate children with their mother. Once the relationship with the mother breaks down the man sees the kids as “hers”. I thought there was some truth to that.

If you have a kid and the relationship breaks down and he loses interest in you don’t be surprised if he doesn’t bother with yours either. I’m not saying that to be a cow its just obvious he couldn’t be arsed.

You need to accept your partner's decision on this. His ex has made contzct almost impossible snd he has moved on.

My friend's fiance is in this same position. He has tried reaching out to the mum more than once but she entertains it for a while - before you can see child you have to see me, we have to talk about his school and how he's been etc etc - but then finds a reason to say he's done something wrong and refuse contact again. When he was still seeing his son, she would do the same as you said - purposely go out when he was meant to be collecting the child, and constantly cancel when he was supposed to see him.

The only option is court, which I know puts most off due to costs, but it really is the only way.

Also.

Can I suggest too that you look at the wording of your posts and have a real think about the mental gymnastics you are having to do, yourself, in your own mind, to make this man 'ok'??

It's probably not even consciously.

Here I go with doing that:

I'm sure I will trigger many people with this post - straight away, you try and set the tone for what you know will follow, and try and shoot it all down as people being 'triggered', having their own emotional reaction. No. Everything that has been said is a response to clear cold hard facts - he chose to move too far away to be a parent, he made some half-hearted public effort to stay in touch then 'moved on'. You know at some level that that is just shit.

The split meant my fiance moved 190miles back home. - what a way to put it - like it was just something that obviously, unavoidably HAPPENED to him. No. No it didn't. He chose to do that. In fact, that's one of the only actual physical FACTS here - take away all the he said, she reacted or whatever and the one decisive thing that happened was his decision to move away from being able to be a day-to-day parent to his children. He wanted to do that and start a new life elsewhere more than he wanted to be a dad. And, 'home'? - really? As a father of two children, he saw his 'home' as being where HIS parents were? How? Why? Has he ever explained this to you? Would you ever ask? - you wouldn't like the answer, I suspect - that he simply didn't have that sense of responsibility, love and family to his own children. He could only see it in reference to himself and what would make his life easier. It's despicable. You know that.

The rest is fluff, isn't it? How would you feel about a man who did this to you, if you were the ex? I'm sure she's not behaved impeccably (presumably that would involve solo parenting 99% of the time then making two clean and fed children, one of which he LEFT when they were a year old so will hardly know, available for an afternoon's contact around the schedule of him, his new gf, his new work timetable?) I would LOVE to really hear her side of it (and I don't mean the carefully curated messages which have been kept to show you which back up his side of it).

You are uncomfortable deep down because you KNOW what he is. What would a good father - a real good father, a proper parent who loves his children - have done?

Not moved. Wouldn't have even been able to contemplate not seeing his tiny children every day and being local to them. Being in their lives.

Nothing he can say gets away from the one fact from which everything else cascades.

Don't do this. You feel uncomfortable now. When you have a baby and know how it feels, you will start to despise him.

He has given up on his children.

How can you respect a man like that?

Also, no fight for them....I am suspicious, why not?? Can't be bothered.....terrible man, no integrity. Or something else?

I couldn't be with someone who didn't bother with their kids. Completely baffles me that people can treat their children that way, you can't just 'move on' from them.
Don't be stupid enough to think he won't do the same to your child

He chose to move 190 miles away from his children
He chose not to pursue legal access

He sounds like a dream father

@Starseeking

Some men are only interested in the DC when they are in a relationship with the DM of those DC. As soon as the relationship ends, he goes pfff.

Don't let that be you and your future DC!

Yes.

Some men - a lot of men, really depressingly - don't love their children.

That's what it boils down to.

Oh they say they do, and they honestly think they do.

But it is not the same.

They 'love their kids' in the sense that they are happy to be part of the family that their children are in and play their part in that.

But if it breaks down and they stop getting stuff from it - they simply move on... as this guy has done. They just do.not.feel.the.same.way. as someone with the capacity to truly love their children. It's not unconditional. It's conditional on them having a soft nest, the partner to make it happen for them.

Golden rule: never never never touch a man who doesn't see his kids. With a bargepole.

He abandoned his own flesh and blood.

How can you trust him with your own well being?

@Viviennemary

You need to accept your partner's decision on this. His ex has made contzct almost impossible snd he has moved on.

Of course if you do this and have a baby with him don't be surprised when he decides to move on from your child as well.

Terrible advice. His ex made it difficult, she didn't make it impossible. He just couldn't be bothered to try that hard.

We were second family for my dad. He didn’t want anything to do with his first kids when he split up with their mother when the kids were approx 8 and 10. He never kept in touch with them but was happy enough to meet up with them now and then years later.

I was about 10 years younger than them and once I was older I could never understand how he could abandon his first kids but lavish attention and affection on his second family.

Its weird. I’d certainly be wary of someone who can abandon young children without looking back, but he wasn’t like that with us. He’s dead now and I have no idea where my half siblings are or even their surname.

I understand not going through court for access to children.

1 - cost a fucking fortune and not everyone has 20k+ in the bank to pay.
2 - even with a court order the mother could stop contact with no real consequences. Very little can be done to enforce this.
3 - the uncertainty of seeing dad one weekend then not knowing when they’ll see him again isn’t good for children.
4 - the negative impact the whole process has on dad could be too much.
5 - dad could begin the process when the children are slightly older and therefore harder for mum to deny access/ fob children off with lies.

People judging without being in his situation have no idea how hard it is for dads (and their family) who are denied access. The sweeping assumption that dads who don’t see their children are low life/ unemployed/ bams ignore the fact that mothers deny access to good dads as well. It happens all too often.

Mangomammy you can represent yourself there's no excuse and none moving so far from young children.

This man has a history of abandoning his children.

Run.

Poor children. Most people would move heaven and earth to see their children, he decided not to bother and instead has spent his efforts on date nights and hobbies with his girlfriend. Don't have children with him as it is clear he loves himself above all others.