Fiance no longer in regular contact with DD

[Nancylove12]

Hi all

I'm sure I will trigger many people with this post. And be dragged by many replies but I am wanting some tangible advice buy someone who maybe in a similar position.

My fiance has two kids age 8 and 6 he separated from the ex 5 years ago now. The split meant my fiance moved 190miles back home. He would see the kids every other weekend at first. But when he started dating again contact was removed. He would travel and the ex would purposely take the kids out and not reply to his messages. This was before I came on the scene. I have seen the messages he saved and his mum first told me the back story . I met my fiance 3.5 years ago. Contact went down to once a month. Then after he tried to get more information via school reports etc the ex changed numbers started playing games. In the last two years there has been hardly any contact at all he hasn't spoken to the ex in over a year any contact goes through his mum who plays both sides as she is scared she will be denied access to the kids. Last year he saw the kids twice. The fight has all gone and he said he's moved on. I always put suggestions as to what to do but he's not interested and prefers to talk about our future and move on from the past. He said he wants a baby with me once we are married. I can't get my head around my baby having siblings they don't really see. If I'm honest we had two years of DRAMA with the ex with boundary issues, insane shouting on the phone and access issues. The last year and a half have been blissful without it but I know the situation isn't right. However, I have stayed out it. I know many will say this man will do the same to you. He pays CMS and I do think if the kids weren't used to emotionally manipulate we wouldn't be in this situation. I'm just asking has anyone experienced something like this? And what would you suggest I do? My finance has emotionally disconnected no tears no depression he's moved on and regrets having children in that situation.

The legal route is too much for him??? Presumably he’s spending money on all these hobbies and your house?

Has he ever bought you a gift? Just looking at it would make me ill. He can’t find the money for his children but buys fun things for himself

Does he pay child maintenance?

@Nancylove12

I've read all comments and of course your not wrong at all. The legal route was discussed but ultimately its very costly we don't have thousands to spend. We don't even have the kids address now.

There are no excuses and sometimes I forget he has kids. As it can feel like a normal relationship. And that's the difficulty. We have been together a while now and it doesn't feel like it's right, there's lots of love and respect there we have been through alot and come out the other side and work well together . I have met the kids and had them had them our house. They know me but lately it's been a cut off from them he has given up. If I was to walk away it wouldn't just be easy. I'd be walking away from a loving relationship that works if that makes sense.

You say the legal route is very costly and you "don't have thousands to spend", but you also said:

He works in finance and we have brought a home together. We get on very well and spend every evening and weekend together mostly. We have date nights although when your childless it's not as big of a thing as its just normal. We have mutual hobbies and enjoy our life.

Something is not quite adding up. He has money for an enjoyable life, hobbies, going out on dates with you and buying a house. He works in finance, which is a good job, (at least) relatively well paid.

So he did have the money, he just wanted to spend his money on himself. On things that would make him happy, as if he was a young, single man who didn't have two tiny children living 190 miles away that he'd just buggered off and left as if they no longer existed.

Children have rights to see their parents. He is doing them a huge disservice. He should be showing his love for them and fighting fighting fighting.....not walking away.

He can self represent or hire a McKenzie friend if finances are an issue

When someone shows you who they are - pay attention. Imagine for one mini second you not seeing your child - would you spend less than every second fighting tooth and nail to see them ?. He has done untold damage to these children - are you prepared to do the same to your child.

My ex did it..he no longer sees our son and he also has another child that he does not see.
However none of that is his fault it is all us,the mother's at fault!
These men believe this and some can convince others of it too.
My son is old enough to decide and he wants nothing to do with his 'dad'
Your fiance isn't a good dad and he has not fought hard enough,his children are so young it just baffles me that men can and do walk away..they always find someone else to have children with!

I couldn't respect a man who could walk away from his own children.

Maybe one day you could get engaged and get a big ring of blood diamonds which he could have spent on seeing his children? Yay how lovely, congrats! It sparkles brighter than the tears of abandoned children!

Oh wow your house is lovely, and you own! Oh wow it’s great you can afford a FUCKING HOUSE, they’re famously cheap in comparison to court fees of a couple of hundred quid! So lovely to have a house with a child abandoner, shame he doesn’t have that 300 quid!

wow, OP. You really need to read between the lines with this one. It's not good. Know the saying when someone tells you who they are, listen? You really need to listen.

It's worth bearing in mind as well that there aren't many single mums of very young children who wouldn't bite your hand off for some child-free time while their kids were with a loving, responsible father. At 1 and 3, I would have pushed them out the door with a breezy "Have fun!" and a muttered "So long sucker". I'm not saying it never happens, but I'd treat the mum blocking access story with some caution. She may be so bitter that she's determined to cut him off from the kids (in which case he should go to court), but she may also just be fed up of being messed around.

It's definitely controversial on here but I don't think this does indicate he would do the same with any future children, all it proves is that he would likely do the same if contact was totally obstructed. I don't think that's the same thing and it wouldn't trouble me as much as a result.

I think until you've been there it's hard to understand ending up resigned to the situation when it comes to your kids, but I don't think it's quite as black and white as people say. My DP hasn't given up on contact with his son but he has certainly been on a slow process towards feeling somewhat detached from things he feels he initially thought he could affect with his DS and now feels he can't. He obviously started out with the idea that they would have a traditional father/son bond and he would have a big impact on the values with which he was raised, he'd end up coming more etc and view his dad on equal terms to how he views his mum. The realities of EOW parenting have made all that lukewarm at best so yes, I do have some first hand experience of a dad having to let go of what he imagined he would have with his oldest child. If he hadn't, he just wouldn't have coped mentally. It's a taboo but it is something that happens sometimes following a split, and the alternative is just being miserable but wouldn't actually make a difference practically.

I would have empathy. There's certainly more he could be doing in terms of court etc but I do understand why he has detached.

It doesn't feel right for you because it isn't.

I can give you an example of my ex who moved hundreds of miles away after we split, he would see the kids here and there every 6 months or more when it benefitted him for Facebook pictures of the 'doting Dad,' if he could actually be bothered to turn up that is, without creating some sort of drama.

Then he stopped seeing my kids completely for a couple of years he was extremely manipulative and amazing at playing the victim.
I was the 'awful ex' who made his life hell. Except I wasn't..

He met a new woman and was very much like your partner, in the total lack of care.
He even told me he had new kids now, he didn't want mine.
The new woman had two children with him in quick succession.
They split and he doesn't bother with their kids.
Except he's the victim and playing 'the man who's been stopped from seeing his kids card.'
He pretends he's stopped because it's easier than having to explain what a useless, uncaring, disgusting person he is.

You are with a man who can detach so easily from his kids with no emotion.
You have red flags in front of you take notice.

Stop ignoring the feelings you are having.
They are valid.
How you are feeling is completely normal because what he has done is immoral.

I wouldn't trust anyone who can detatch from their own offspring without putting up a fight.
I'd be in court fighting tooth and nail nothing would stop me being a parent to my children.

@Greenfields124

It doesn't feel right for you because it isn't.

I can give you an example of my ex who moved hundreds of miles away after we split, he would see the kids here and there every 6 months or more when it benefitted him for Facebook pictures of the 'doting Dad,' if he could actually be bothered to turn up that is, without creating some sort of drama.

Then he stopped seeing my kids completely for a couple of years he was extremely manipulative and amazing at playing the victim.
I was the 'awful ex' who made his life hell. Except I wasn't..

He met a new woman and was very much like your partner, in the total lack of care.
He even told me he had new kids now, he didn't want mine.
The new woman had two children with him in quick succession.
They split and he doesn't bother with their kids.
Except he's the victim and playing 'the man who's been stopped from seeing his kids card.'
He pretends he's stopped because it's easier than having to explain what a useless, uncaring, disgusting person he is.

You are with a man who can detach so easily from his kids with no emotion.
You have red flags in front of you take notice.

Stop ignoring the feelings you are having.
They are valid.
How you are feeling is completely normal because what he has done is immoral.

It's incredibly easy for men to blame mothers for lack of engagement with their DC, when society as a whole sets the bar so low for fathers.

I can see my EXDP going the same way as yours as we have young DC. In the past 8 months since we split he has seen the DC 7 times, and is currently in the midst of a 2 months and counting holiday to his country of origin.

No doubt he will be telling all and sundry that I won't let him see the DC, when the reality couldn't be further from the truth. What I object to with NRP fathers, and my DCs in particular is irregular visits, 2-3 hours notice for dropping in and instructions, rather than requests. EXDP seems to think he should collect the DC as and when he deigns, never mind the rest of their lives.

When EXDP is in the country, he consistently sticks to the EOW agreement that I helped him negotiate with his EXDW via the courts to see his DS, so it may be that he can't be arsed looking after 3 DC (one with additional needs).

He doesn’t know his kids address?

Crikey

He moved back home as he moved with ex to be closer to her family but relationship fell apart less than a year later and was rocky beforehand he moved AWAY from his children. They're his immediate family, not his Mom. Unless there's some massive drip feed about how he was broken and suicidal and needed taking care of, he CHOSE to leave his kids behind, now he just pretends they don't exist cos it didn't work out.

What will you tell your kids? You have siblings but Daddy doesn't want them any more. It's OK, he replaced them with you. As long as we're good, he'll love us forever?

What a disgrace of a man. He's abandoned his children. Utterly disgraceful. I could never be with such an awful man. His poor children.

@Nancylove12

I've read all comments and of course your not wrong at all. The legal route was discussed but ultimately its very costly we don't have thousands to spend. We don't even have the kids address now.

There are no excuses and sometimes I forget he has kids. As it can feel like a normal relationship. And that's the difficulty. We have been together a while now and it doesn't feel like it's right, there's lots of love and respect there we have been through alot and come out the other side and work well together . I have met the kids and had them had them our house. They know me but lately it's been a cut off from them he has given up. If I was to walk away it wouldn't just be easy. I'd be walking away from a loving relationship that works if that makes sense.

Well, no. It doesn't make sense.

you wouldn't be walking away from a loving relationship that works. You'd be walking away from one that you're trying very hard to make work but it isn't, because you know that actually a man who abandons his kids is a piece of shit.

It really is as simple as that.

It is just up to you. Of course it's hard when you've already invested but - sunk costs.

You have all the answers you've asked for, right here. And they are pretty much all the same.

Have your family with a better man, for your future childrens' sake.

Excuses, excuses.

It doesn't cost 1000s to self represent in family court. I know a 20 year old man, educated to GCSE level only, who did so successfully despite false allegations and prevention of any contact by the mum. If he can do it, so could your fiancé.

In any case, you do have plenty of money, it's just been spent on yourselves.

Neither of you is being honest to yourselves about the reasons. Drop the excuses. He simply didn't want contact. Up to you if you want to look past this or not. It says a lot about him though.

@BitcherOfBlakiven

Ffs.

He’s a piece of shit.

Abandoned them to move 190 miles away when there was no need.

Has enough to buy a house but cba with court.

Selfish, lazy, arsehole.

And of course pays CMS because he has no choice, they’d automatically deduct it from his wage if he didn’t.

Big fat this
Run

Sorry you are having a hard time in a similar position to what I was @Starseeking it's really hard to navigate when someone is being so unreasonable and uncaring.

I am quite a way down the line where my kids are teens now and they haven't seen him for over 10 years, it was the very best thing for them rather than the hopping in and out of their lives when he felt like it, it's so confusing for them when that is happening and can stir up some horrible feelings for children leaving them feeling abandoned.

I remember feeling so upset in disbelief at how someone could be so uncaring and unreasonable but I have made peace with that now and understand hes a rotten apple that will never change.

You are right about the low bar set for Father's.
It's dispicable.

The legal route was discussed, but ultimately its very costly and we don't have thousands to spend.

"Discussed" with who would be very telling. Has your DP actually downloaded the court forms himself, or is this just hearsay @Nancylove12? Has he received a quote from a solicitor outlining all the costs at each stage, or has he just shrugged his shoulders and said not my problem?

Thank you @Greenfields124. I'm sorry your DC have experienced that, and I can imagine the villain your ex makes you out to be to try and absolve his conscience. I honestly wonder how these men sleep at night, they must be emotionally dead inside.

I'm not sure I agree with everyone but thankyou to those giving me food for thought. We don't spend his money lavishly but we do need to live. When I met him he was seeing the kids twice a month. Then dwindled when boundaries were put in place. Ex only wanted him to see the kids in her house. When she got a BF she didn't want him around. We fought to have them come to our house and stayed in hotels. But it was a battle of wills every month. Its then become less and less it hasn't been just a cut off. Now ex has moved and my fiance is blocked on everything. Bought his kid a phone to contact and got taken away. When she needs money she goes through his mum to ask and he gives. It's very sad. I will talk again about court as an option so any experiences on how it works would be great.

I feel so sorry for god kids. They had to go through not only their parents relationship breakdown but then their dad moves nearly 200 miles away exactly when they need love and consistency from him the most??