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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Fiance no longer in regular contact with DD

302 replies

Nancylove12 · 17/01/2022 22:45

Hi all

I'm sure I will trigger many people with this post. And be dragged by many replies but I am wanting some tangible advice buy someone who maybe in a similar position.

My fiance has two kids age 8 and 6 he separated from the ex 5 years ago now. The split meant my fiance moved 190miles back home. He would see the kids every other weekend at first. But when he started dating again contact was removed. He would travel and the ex would purposely take the kids out and not reply to his messages. This was before I came on the scene. I have seen the messages he saved and his mum first told me the back story . I met my fiance 3.5 years ago. Contact went down to once a month. Then after he tried to get more information via school reports etc the ex changed numbers started playing games. In the last two years there has been hardly any contact at all he hasn't spoken to the ex in over a year any contact goes through his mum who plays both sides as she is scared she will be denied access to the kids. Last year he saw the kids twice. The fight has all gone and he said he's moved on. I always put suggestions as to what to do but he's not interested and prefers to talk about our future and move on from the past. He said he wants a baby with me once we are married. I can't get my head around my baby having siblings they don't really see. If I'm honest we had two years of DRAMA with the ex with boundary issues, insane shouting on the phone and access issues. The last year and a half have been blissful without it but I know the situation isn't right. However, I have stayed out it. I know many will say this man will do the same to you. He pays CMS and I do think if the kids weren't used to emotionally manipulate we wouldn't be in this situation. I'm just asking has anyone experienced something like this? And what would you suggest I do? My finance has emotionally disconnected no tears no depression he's moved on and regrets having children in that situation.

OP posts:
BigYellowHat · 22/01/2022 07:19

A guy I used to work with, left all his friends and family behind to move 200 miles when he and his ex split just so he could move to the same town as where his ex has chosen to live with their child. I was always so impressed with that but he said he’d miss his little girl so much that it was worth it. 190 miles is so far and beware of him doing it again.

TracyMosby · 22/01/2022 08:27

My partner set out a contact agreement
On his terms?

TheFormidableMrsC · 22/01/2022 12:54

@BigYellowHat

A guy I used to work with, left all his friends and family behind to move 200 miles when he and his ex split just so he could move to the same town as where his ex has chosen to live with their child. I was always so impressed with that but he said he’d miss his little girl so much that it was worth it. 190 miles is so far and beware of him doing it again.
My ex moved 700 miles away as according to OW, they needed to be that far away from us. She couldn't bear him having to have contact with me because our child was small so he cut us both off. I will never ever understand it for as long as I live.
Casper001 · 23/01/2022 10:31

@TheFormidableMrsC

They've done studies into men that remain in contact with the kids on a regular basis and those that don't.

The research showed that the men that don't keep in contact live the happier lives. In no way am I condoning this behaviour and it's not for me but at the same time I do think it's an interesting insight into why this happens.

AutumnOrange · 23/01/2022 10:36

Court orders cost approx £300 and you can represent yourself. If he hasn’t even tried that then no way would I be even considering a baby with this man.

TheFormidableMrsC · 23/01/2022 11:09

[quote Casper001]@TheFormidableMrsC

They've done studies into men that remain in contact with the kids on a regular basis and those that don't.

The research showed that the men that don't keep in contact live the happier lives. In no way am I condoning this behaviour and it's not for me but at the same time I do think it's an interesting insight into why this happens.[/quote]
That's really upsetting. My ex's father did the same thing to him and it damaged him for his entire life. He can't seem to see that repeating that pattern is doing the same to our son. I have had 2 years of my child being utterly traumatised. Endless counselling hasn't made much difference. The least my ex deserves is misery.

KurtWilde · 23/01/2022 11:30

The research showed that the men that don't keep in contact live the happier lives. In no way am I condoning this behaviour and it's not for me but at the same time I do think it's an interesting insight into why this happens.

I've never spoken about my first relationship on here, but my eldest 2 children's dad left when our DD was 2 and I was pregnant with DS. Out of the blue. Out of nowhere. Not arguments, no big break up, just left. Left me in a house I couldn't afford and I ended up having to move back to my parents or become homeless. I had a couple of phone calls from his mum in the weeks after he left, she wanted me to know he was ok and 'not to worry about him' because he'd met someone and gone to live with her. She wasn't fussed about us or the fact that her beloved son had deserted us. Which is what he did. He's never met DS as I was only 4 months pregnant when he left, and the last time he saw DD she was 2 and he didn't even have the guts to say goodbye. They're early 20s now.

I'm sure he's lived a very happy life pretending his children don't exist, but I'm damn sure I've lived a happier one.

rainbowraindrop · 23/01/2022 11:48

You're making excuses for him because you want to believe in your own happy ending.
But you're ignoring all the advice people are giving you as you don't want to hear it.
If you have a child with this man, you will grow to resent him and question his commitment to you and your child. Until you have children you cannot imagine the overwhelming feeling of love and need to protect them, when you realise the intensity of this you will wonder how he could possibly give up on his children, because he has given up on his children, with not much effort to fight for them.
A man who deserved to be a dad would not give up.

jimmyjammy001 · 23/01/2022 12:10

The question you need to ask yourself is, are you prepared to put up with all this drama for the rest of your life because believe you me, it will never change with the ex partner, as for the kids he's not bothered about seeing his own children, that speaks volumes and I would seriously contemplate starting a family with him, as other posters have said I would in your position be looking for someone who doesn't allready have children like your self, I get that you get along great and have things in common, but as a future relationship / marriage there are red flags there that will build up and potentially be the ending of your relationship, if your happy to have to be dealing with the ex partner dramas and fighting to see his children in your relationship, crack on, but please don't come back on here in a few years time asking for advice because your at breaking point like many others have done because they were blinded by love at the time and didn't want to listen to other people's advice who have been through that situation before, sorry to be so blunt, but sugar coating the situation won't help it unfortunately

SurfWaves · 23/01/2022 23:58

He sounds like he can't be assed which would be a deal breaker for me personally. If he wanted to be in their lives that badly he would go to court and get a child arrangement order to see them.

KnobJockey · 25/01/2022 12:50

I think you should only have children with him if you are willing to accept that if you split, the chances are that he would not be part of your child's life. And are willing to explain to your child that you knew this was a distinct possibility, but still did it.

You are trying very hard to make it sound as if he's blameless. He's really, really not. He lived where he did when he had them, and chose to move 190 miles away. How can he be an active parent 190 miles away? What happens when they are sick at nursery? Give me 4 hours, I'll be over to collect them? He's essentially told them they are not his priority, and he's happy to be a weekend dad. Do you honestly respect him as a father, knowing he chose to do this?

Mickarooni · 01/02/2022 08:07

[quote Casper001]@TheFormidableMrsC

They've done studies into men that remain in contact with the kids on a regular basis and those that don't.

The research showed that the men that don't keep in contact live the happier lives. In no way am I condoning this behaviour and it's not for me but at the same time I do think it's an interesting insight into why this happens.[/quote]
I will always put my children’s happiness before mine. Any decent parent should do the same.

Skeumorph · 01/02/2022 09:49

[quote Casper001]@TheFormidableMrsC

They've done studies into men that remain in contact with the kids on a regular basis and those that don't.

The research showed that the men that don't keep in contact live the happier lives. In no way am I condoning this behaviour and it's not for me but at the same time I do think it's an interesting insight into why this happens.[/quote]
Gosh is this still going!!

To answer above: I know not one, but two absolute steaming bellends who have ditched their kids and gone off to have lives which they describe as 'amazing' - travelling, living in vans (refitted themselves - natch!) having 'growth experiences', making 'sounds' and generally being completely 'in tune with themselves'.

They're both the biggest fucking nightmare narcissists you could possibly imagine.

Of course they describe their lives as happier - how can they not - their whole MO is based on telling themselves that fucking over the people who care about them, and the children they have a responsibility for, was the right thing to do and totally justified, I mean, just look how much better everything is now!

Both are gradually running out of options re money/'mates'/ places to 'crash - as of course there are only so many new people you can cultivate to mooch off, really.

What can you say!

FlowerArranger · 01/02/2022 10:13

@SurfWaves

He sounds like he can't be assed which would be a deal breaker for me personally. If he wanted to be in their lives that badly he would go to court and get a child arrangement order to see them.
THIS ^ and THIS:

I'm sure he's lived a very happy life pretending his children don't exist, but I'm damn sure I've lived a happier one.

I'm sure there are many fathers who are able to walk away from their children and lead a happy life.

Shallow people. People who can just walk away and give no second thoughts to the helpless human beings they created.

He has done it once and he can do it again. @Nancylove12 - why would you want to choose this man as your life partner?

kirinm · 01/02/2022 14:03

My ex disappeared from my DS's life when he was very small - moved to the top of the country from the South (I have no idea how many miles). I knew he'd not try and have contact and from my point of view, that was not bad thing for my DS as I consider him an extremely toxic individual. However, at the time I did appreciate that he was DS's dad and wouldn't actively stop him seeing him.

But he didn't try. At all. And 20+ years later, still hasn't. He has gone on and had several other kids though.

I honestly cannot imagine not caring about one of your kids and making no effort. I didn't think much of him at the time but I think considerably less of him now. And if my DP had a child and had "emotionally disconnected" from them, I would think the same about him as I do my ex and would not be with him. I cannot fathom this sort of attitude. Moving 190 miles away is evidence enough of how little he cares.

Original poster
Nancylove12 · 02/02/2022 20:15

He did try and no one was there to understand the whole picture. I've had quite a few private messages from those in similar position and that didn't mean their partner was a bad father to their child they went to have with their new partner. Infact they put the effort in to do things right. Thankyou for those messages as it shows this isn't a black and white issue.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 02/02/2022 22:31

He's a bad father, it is black and white. He's a shitty choice for your future child.

There is nothing quite like the pain of a parent walking away. It's a grief that revisits you at every milestone through life where that parent should be.

It's a shame you don't want better for your own children.

Pinkyxx · 03/02/2022 17:32

My personal view is that it is best not to have children if you are too selfish to put their needs before your own. This is a LIFE we are talking about, a life wholly dependent on it's parents, not a pair of shoes that pinch your toes so you chuck them away.

He's a bad Father, whatever you tell yourself to avoid this uncomfortable truth.

excelledyourself · 03/02/2022 17:47

@Nancylove12

He did try and no one was there to understand the whole picture. I've had quite a few private messages from those in similar position and that didn't mean their partner was a bad father to their child they went to have with their new partner. Infact they put the effort in to do things right. Thankyou for those messages as it shows this isn't a black and white issue.
The point is more about what kind of father he'll be when that next relationship ends. Not how he manages to function in a family, but as a separated parent. The situations are very different.
NowEvenBetter · 04/02/2022 12:40

It is absolutely a black and white issue, you choosing to delude yourself to keep a deadbeat in your life doesn’t mean it’s a ‘grey area’. Your boyfriend is unjustifiable and there’s no excuse for his actions.

Willyoujustbequiet · 05/02/2022 15:55

Its definitely a black and white issue.

He's a shitty father and a shitty human being to do that to a child.

Anyone who excuses it is clearly part of the same club.

Original poster
Nancylove12 · 06/02/2022 18:22

He hasn't abandoned his kids. He gets shut down at every opportunity to see and speak to them. Face time schedule wasn't allowed. EOW schedule started then wasn't allowed.
Communication blocked to the ex and his kids. The option is court but if history is what tells us about the future nothing will change but us being in extreme debt.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nancylove12 · 06/02/2022 18:24

It's absolutely not black and white at all. And nothing in life is. The main care giver has alot of control and if they are not playing ball it's incredibly hard to gain access to your kids.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 06/02/2022 18:44

You are kidding yourself. He moved away, he didn't go to court. He didn't fight for his children, he won't fight for yours.

At least you know what you are getting yourself and a potential child into. Great choice.

mommabear2386 · 06/02/2022 18:58

The sad face is when couple with children spilt if they are constantly fighting and access is being denied (rightly or wrongly) by mum and dad goes without the kids for long periods of time he will get used to this and to some degree start to be ok with the free time / extra money / less drama / more time with new partner

Is it great no but it is just life.
My DH had his kids dropped off to him every morning and he gave them breakfast and took them to school then he collected them and have them tea back home to mum for 6 every min- Friday, he worked nights.

When we met after about 4 months mum didn't want me around the kids etc so started to stop the morning and she changed her hours and took them to school, my DH never got a say. But you know what he soon started to enjoy going straight to bed when he finished work at 7am.

Then we moved into a house together after 1..5 years and we said we are happy to still have the kids after school for tea each night but could she collect them on her way home from work instead of him dropping off every night ( we didn't move far about 15 mins drive )

It was a no. Hard no. And she got pissed said she was going to make other arrangements after school so it all stopped. Again he had no say and suddenly he went from every day to just Thursday for tea only and EOW.

It was shit BUT again he began to adjust and enjoy being free for other things
About 6 months after she said he was going to have to have them mon-Friday again for tea due to her Family childcare failing through ( they got pregnant themselves ) she offered to pick up one night.

He said no we would have them three nights out of give for tea but she was to collect twice. She refused. So it stayed the same.

Is he the bad guy no. She assumed she held all the cards and power them actually snot herself in the foot when he didn't run right back to a crazy schedule that he had actually began to enjoy not having to do. Of course he misses the kids but he was always in contact